LovingBDSM

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Tag: D/s relationships (page 1 of 10)

D/s Can’t Fix a Broken Relationship LB147

Fair warning…this week’s topic brings out all of the ranting. Can D/s be an amazing thing in an imperfect relationship where both people want to and can make it work? Absolutely! Will D/s be the magic potion that fixes everything that’s wrong? Nope. Let’s talk about it.

In this episode:

  • D/s can enhance a relationship. It can even make it stronger and more resilient.
  • But D/s cannot fix a relationship already beyond repair.
  • We don’t always see how bad things are at first until we get very honest with ourselves.
  • It’s normal to want to fix the relationship and make it last.
  • But if both sides won’t put in the work required and aren’t willing to get real with themselves about their own shortcomings, D/s can’t fix it.
  • D/s might be perfect for your relationship but make sure it’s the right kind of dynamic and power exchange that fits you both. If you’re trying to fulfill a stereotype of what you think D/s is, you’re setting yourself up for difficult challenges.

Links from the show:

4 Things D/s Won’t Magically Fix in Your Relationship (blog post)

Kink-Friendly Professionals

Professor Sex

Loving BDSM Resource Page

Subscribe on YouTube

Become a patron on Patreon

Support the show

Postcard Project

Kayla Lords on Fetlife

John Brownstone on Fetlife

Contact us!

Listen to the show:

iTunes

Google Play

Spotify

Your favorite podcast app!

4 Things D/s Won’t Magically Fix In Your Relationship

Dominance and submission (D/s) can enhance your relationship, take your desire and confidence to new levels, help you grow as an individual and in your relationship, and do a lot of things short of shooting glitter out of your butt. Basically, for some of us, D/s is fucking amazing.

But it’s not superglue, y’all. It can’t magically fix everything.

While many of us (myself included) can’t imagine a life without D/s, many people see it as a cure-all for struggling relationships. If your relationship is in trouble because you’re constantly trying to figure out who’s in charge, D/s might fix that. But if your current relationship struggles for any of these other reasons, D/s won’t cure it. It might make the problem more obvious or worse.

Communication Issues

D/s only works when both partners are willing to communicate openly and clearly. This isn’t a skill that many people have, so it’s got to be learned. Yes, of course, you can learn to communicate better as you explore D/s. In fact, most of us do. You don’t have to be perfect at it, you only have to be willing to try.

But if one or both of you refuses to communicate and refuses to learn, D/s will only magnify that problem by a thousand. Refusing to communicate looks different in everyone. Some people withdraw. Others deflect and want to talk about anything else. Even worse, some people lie — from small white lies to big whoppers.

When communication is lacking, your D/s relationship can’t grow and thrive. In the end, you may lose trust, feel resentful, and the relationship may be worse than when you started. Before you start your D/s journey together, both sides need to understand how important communication is, even if you’re not great at it yet.

Trust Issues

There is nothing in BDSM, including D/s, that doesn’t require trust from both sides. You have to trust each other to do what you say you’ll do. Trust that you respect the others boundaries, and trust that you’ll speak up in good times and in bad. Just like communication, trust can definitely deepen and grow as you explore D/s. It’s a beautiful thing when you learn that you can rely on each other in new ways.

But if you don’t trust your partner to follow through, do what they say they will, keep up their end of the bargain, or not lie to you, D/s is like pouring gasoline on the situation. If your partner isn’t worthy of trust, you may never know if they’ll listen to your safe word, check in with you, or be there when you need them. Real people get really hurt in these moments — physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Trust is too important a piece of the D/s puzzle to not have. But you can’t wave a wand, confer on yourselves the title of Dom or sub, and think all trust issues have been fixed. If trust is lacking, you both need to be honest with yourselves and each other about how to overcome it.

Problems with Follow Through

Both Dominant and submissive have responsibilities in your D/s relationship. Even if you’re in a relationship where one person only does what the other person says and/or the micromanagement is high, it only works when both of you do your part. Not everyone is as reliable as we’d like them to be, even when we love them a lot.

If either of you (or both of you) have problems following through with promises made or responsibilities, D/s is going to be a greater challenge. It doesn’t matter which side of the slash you’re on. Can you overcome it and work through it? Can you learn to be better? Of course! But deciding that you each have new roles and entering D/s doesn’t immediately fix this problem.

Old habits die hard. If you’re the type who starts off enthusiastic and then gets bored or worried “it doesn’t really matter” (for any reason), this is going to bite you in the ass at some point. Your partner will be left disappointed because you didn’t do your part. They might wonder if you really want to be D/s at all. Now you’ve both got hurt feelings and mistrust to deal with.

Mental Health Issues

First, let me say that if you have mental illnesses of any kind – anxiety, depression, personality disorder, you name it – you can absolutely have a healthy D/s relationship. Speaking from personal experience, a solid D/s relationship may even help you (or be the reason you) work through your mental health issues. This happens in a variety of ways because it’s unique to everyone. For me, I wanted to get control of my anxiety and bipolar disorder so I could be a better submissive,  and I learned to talk about it so John Brownstone would know what was going on with me.

But D/s, on its own, can not cure depression, anxiety, or any other mental health issue. It may help you feel more yourself. In some cases, it may help you clear your mind. But in some cases, if you’re not getting the medical care, support, or help you need, it might exacerbate things. Plenty of really wonderful submissives and Dominants struggle with mental illness.

Dominants and submissives put a lot of pressure on ourselves, and even the healthiest among us can feel guilty when we fall short of our own expectations. Keep the lines of communication open. Be willing to seek help where you can find it. Don’t think that you’re weak or believe you’re a bad Dom or sub because of your mental health issues. You’re not. You’re human and you deserve a happy, healthy D/s relationship too.

D/s is an amazing thing in a lot of relationships. We’ve heard from many couples who say it saved their marriage. Discovering my submissive self and being in a healthy relationship has done a lot for me, too. I’m more confident, know I’m loved, and understand my place in the world a little bit better.

But D/s isn’t magic, y’all. You can have any of the issues we named above and still have a healthy D/s relationship but, like anything else, it requires hard work and effort from both of you.

Guess what we’re talking about this week on the podcast! Episode 147 will be about using D/s to “fix” relationships — both the good and the bad. For those who love them, there will likely be plenty of rants from me. Can you think of other situations some people use D/s to “fix”? Share in the comments below or talk to us on Twitter!

 

Supporting Dominants Through Tough Moments LB144

Everyone (on either side of the slash) goes through tough moments. In a power exchange, it can be difficult to know how to help or what to do when you’re a submissive. This doesn’t mean Dominants shouldn’t or can’t support their submissives. Support should happen from both sides. A stereotype persists about how strong or stoic Doms are supposed to be,  which means submissives might not realize their Dom needs help, and Dominants might not easily accept help.

In this episode:

  • Check out our sponsor: Delirium Toys
  • Enter our 3rd anniversary giveaway!
  • Buy some kinky fuckery at our shop and save!
  • Doms have a responsibility to “take care” of their submissives. That can be overt like in a Caregiver/little dynamic or something more subtle as in satisfying needs.
  • We’ve talked in the past about both sides having responsibilities to each other — as a healthy relationship and in D/s.
  • This is about when Doms (who often think they’re supposed to project an air of toughness) go through their own tough times and what it’s like to be the submissive helping them through it.

Links from the show:

Adding a Tough Love Clause to Your D/s Relationship (episode 9)

Enter the Loving BDSM Giveaway

The Kinky Fuckery Shop – Use code NEWSHOP to save 10 percent (August 2018 only)

Delirium Toys – Use code LOVEBDSM2018 to save 30 percent (August 2018 only)

The Wood Dom – Use code NEWSHOP to save 10 percent (August 2018 only)

Subscribe on YouTube

Become a patron on Patreon

Support the show

Postcard Project

Kayla Lords on Fetlife

John Brownstone on Fetlife

Contact us!

Listen to the show:

iTunes

Google Play

Spotify

Your favorite podcast app!

Assumptions and Communication in D/s Relationships LB143

This week’s topic isn’t exactly new, but we received enough messages with a common theme that we decided to talk about it again. It’s normal to make assumptions in life — even in D/s. What we need to do more often is challenge those assumptions. In our relationships, it’s often a communication issue. But in the BDSM lifestyle, it’s usually about what we consider “typical” even though there’s no such thing.

In this episode:

  • Check out our sponsor: Delirium Toys
  • Enter our 3rd anniversary giveaway!
  • Buy some kinky fuckery at our shop and save!
  • You know what you get when you assume.
  • Most of the questions we get from people are based on assumptions they’re making — how their partner feels, how they think they should feel, or what they think is supposed to happen.
  • Never assume. Always ask.
  • Even after years together, you can still be wrong about what the other person wants, thinks, or needs.
  • When you find yourself thinking, “I’m sure they think/feel…” stop and talk to your partner.
  • The assumptions we make about what D/s is supposed to be like are just as bad. Sometimes those assumptions lead us down a path that’s not right for us.
  • There is no single right way for anything. There’s only what’s right for you and your relationship right now.

Links from the show:

Enter the Loving BDSM Giveaway

The Kinky Fuckery Shop – Use code NEWSHOP to save 10 percent (August 2018 only)

Delirium Toys – Use code LOVEBDSM2018 to save 30 percent (August 2018 only)

The Wood Dom – Use code NEWSHOP to save 10 percent (August 2018 only)

Subscribe on YouTube

Become a patron on Patreon

Support the show

Postcard Project

Kayla Lords on Fetlife

John Brownstone on Fetlife

Contact us!

Listen to the show:

iTunes

Google Play

Spotify

Your favorite podcast app!

How We Enjoyed Phone Sex When We Were LDR

When John Brownstone and I were in a long distance relationship, our cell phones were everything. We texted, emailed, and talked multiple times a day. The few times we had to skip scheduled calls were the worst. It’s bad enough to miss someone because they can’t be with you. Having to wait longer for a phone call or email made it that much harder.

Of all the times we talked on the phone, phone sex was where we connected on a physical level. He is always the Dominant and I am always his submissive, but during those steamy, erotic phone calls is where the kinky fuckery magic happened.

Morning Masturbation

Every weekday morning, on his way to work, he called me. Our time zones were different by an hour, so he was my wake-up call. That was better than any alarm, I promise.

“Good morning, babygirl.”

If you’ve heard him on the podcast, you know what he sounds like. Now imagine that voice taking on a seductive, growly tone intent on sensual sadism. Unf. Even now it’s enough to make me wet and wanton.

He has always claimed to enjoy my sleepy, gruff-sounding “Good morning, Daddy.”  Before I was fully awake, he was ready for me.

“Get your hand on that cunt, girl.”

“Touch your clit.”

“Let’s see how many times you’ll come this morning.”

Because we enjoy orgasm control, sometimes he forced my orgasms and sometimes he edged me until I begged. And when I say “he,” I mean he told me what to do and my hand did the work. This is how we had sex for 18 months between visits. For a long time after we moved in together, I couldn’t masturbate without his voice telling me what to do.

Evening Kinky Fuckery

We never were the type to Skype or FaceTime. If we weren’t writing our thoughts (by email, text, or blog comment), we were speaking them. But the only time we saw each other was face-to-face. I’m not really sure why that is. It was likely an internet/data limit/too many people around thing.

At night, when we both had more time and a little privacy, it was time to play again. I often kept the lights on (knowing I’d have to get up and clean myself up) and lay on top of the sheets and a towel, ready and waiting. Sometimes he gave me instructions before the evening call and sometimes he surprised me when I answered the phone.

Butt plugs, glass dildos, vibrators, nipple clamps. Whatever I had at the time (it was a much smaller sex toy collection than today), we used it. Every action directed by his voice, telling me to imagine him there, and what he would do the next time he visited.

I’ve smacked my pussy, pinched my nipples, squirted into my sheets, and choked back screams of pleasure because of phone sex. Thankfully, he didn’t expect me to say much back beyond, “Yes, Daddy” and “Please can I come?” Most of the time, anything I would say only came out as squeaks and whimpers. I’m fairly certain he lived for the moments when all my words jumbled together as I struggled to ask permission to come or beg for mercy before I exploded.

It’s not something I’m interested in now, even when we’re apart for a night or two, but for a long time, phone sex allowed us to express our sexual D/s connection when we were apart. That we were addicted to each other made it easier for me to get over my shyness. (Phone sex is right on the edge of role play for me — and we know how I feel about that).

Want to know what other people think about phone sex? Check out the latest Kink of the Week! Got your own thoughts about it? Share in the comments below or talk to us on Twitter.

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