LovingBDSM

The Loving BDSM Podcast

Tag: D/s relationships (page 1 of 9)

Service Submission LB137

In the first of what will surely be many conversations about submission, we’re discussing service submission. We give a (very) broad overview of what it means and then dive into our very personal experiences with it.

In this episode:

  • Join us on Patreon!
  • Kayla’s definition of service submission — as a service submissive.
  • Being told what to do vs setting expectations for what needs to be done
  • Yes, you can be just a service submissive or it can be part of your submission
  • Gratitude and appreciation are often necessary for many service submissives to want to keep serving.

Links from the show:

9 Different Types of Submission (blog post)

Having an Attitude of Gratitude in Your D/s Relationship (podcast)

Subscribe on YouTube

Become a patron on Patreon

Support the show

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Kayla Lords on Fetlife

John Brownstone on Fetlife

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Sex in a Minefield: Eating Disorders and Kink

Please help us welcome B. Mercy to the blog today. This is the first of two pieces she’s written about eating disorders and kink. Read the second part here.

Through tears, I told my then-boyfriend, “You shouldn’t even be with me!”

My unforgivable transgression?  Gaining 5 pounds. I believed that being fat was the worst thing that could ever happen to me. Fat was a sin and stain that ruined me and anyone romantically/sexually with me.

There’s being over dramatic, shallow, hard on yourself… But this was pathological. I had an eating disorder, and I was in crisis. But my partner and I didn’t recognize that at the time. Because after all, I did have issues with weight. Heavy people are pressured to be ‘attentive’ about their weight problems. The unfortunate realities about how our society treats body shape can insidiously mask the dangerous thoughts and behaviors of eating disorders.

What is an Eating Disorder (ED)?

Eating disorders are a set of diagnosable mental health disorders. But for everyday people, it can be hard to realize that there is a problem to diagnose. What a ‘disturbed eating behavior’ qualifies as can be a tricky question. It isn’t as easy to know when someone is ‘abusing’ food as it is to know when someone is abusing heroin.

A key sign is someone abusing themselves. Being overweight, even having associated health problems, doesn’t mean that someone is less of a person. It is never healthy to hate oneself or what one looks like. A person in ED crisis takes out their internal bad feelings on very controlled or anxious behaviors regarding food, exercise, or appearance. In the tragic worst cases, these thoughts and behaviors can spiral out of control. They cause permanent damage or even death. In short: this shit is serious.

If any of this sounds like you or your partner: take it seriously. You’re not going to fix this alone. Get yourself/your partner help.

Who Can Have an ED?

ED has been painted as a ‘thin white girl disease’. This isn’t true. Anyone can have the bad mix of negative thoughts and unhealthy behaviors that make up an ED. A top, bottom, sadist, masochist, slave, Master/Mistress, spanko, furry etc. can all have an ED. They can be muscular, curvaceous, skinny, obese, thin, average, whatever. What a person looks like has nothing to do with how they feel about their body or how those feelings influence unhealthy behaviors.

I have friends from all over the wonderful spectrum of sizes, genders, colors, identities, and kinks that are recovering from ED.  But those who don’t match the ‘classic’ ED image tend to feel like they don’t have an opening to discuss their struggles.

It’s Not About Weight

An ED won’t be ‘solved’ if a person achieves their supposed ‘ideal’ shape. To people with ED, fat isn’t ‘fat’.  It’s ‘failure’ and ‘unworthiness’.  To us, a body is a manifestation of insecurities. We believe that if we exert ‘enough’ control, punish that body ‘enough’, erase physical flaws, then we’ll erase the internal flaws we fear. Naturally, it doesn’t work that way. For all the terrible effort and stress we endure, we only become more unhealthy. The pain only worsens.

Mental wellness is as important as physical health. Body shape does not determine worth. Everyone and anyone is attractive, valuable, and worthy of love. We all deserve to feel safe and happy in our own skin.

Eating Disorders and Kink

Sex and eating disorders?

A minefield.

Someone with ED has a complex relationship with their body. Sharing it with someone else exponentially adds to those challenges.

Kink and eating disorders?

A Mad Max post-apocalypse landscape.

EDs are rooted in anxieties about our internal selves, expressed through unhealthy control over our bodies. BDSM is rooted in pleasurable control while engaging mindfully with our bodies and internal selves. There’s a lot of potential for kink to help people with EDs heal or for things to go disastrously. Those seeking to heal from ED and those seeking to help should be mindful about the risky areas and potential aids while having an awesome kinky time.

Scening and Sex

Someone with ED may not want their body seen during sex. They might not want to see their partner’s body either. They might feel uncomfortable performing scenes in dungeons. Blindfolds can help in these situations. The first time I was bound in a dungeon full of strangers with my (curvaceous) ass exposed, a blindfold helped me feel safe.

For those with a history of binging, things involving the mouth can be problematic. Our gag reflexes are overly sensitive. I can’t do gags or give oral sex. It sucks. I love gags. I love to serve my Dominant with my mouth.  But this doesn’t have to be a ‘never’ limit. It may take time, patience, and support to slowly overcome this issue. I’ve worked my way up to licking hard cock. Next step, light sucking. All while my Dominant is patient, (damn) grateful for, and very proud of my efforts. After knowing everything I’ve been through, it means so much more to him when I give his cock little kisses.

Many issues can arise when someone with an ED becomes physically or emotionally intimate. To those with ED: be honest with yourself and your partner about limits and triggers. To partners: if you have concerns about your partner, tell them.

From there, support and honesty matter most. If you are a partner, aim to compliment your partner for who they are or how they make you feel, not their appearance per se. Tell them how much their submission or dominance means to you. How wet or hard they make you. How they drive you wild. How goddamn drop-dead sexilicious they are. How smart, witty, charming they are.

You Can Get There

Patience with oneself, support from partners, and a strong dose of orgasms and play can heal much. The more I’ve immersed in my kinks, the better Dominants I’ve had, the better I have felt about myself and my body. I weigh more than ever, but I feel sexy and strong. I’m no longer afraid or in pain—except under extremely kinky and consensual circumstances.

About B. Mercy

Bittersweet Mercy is a bi and bold millennial who tries to save the world under one name by day and at night writes, performs stand up, and plays under aliases.  This summer she will be starting a new life in the DC area and looks forward to introducing new friends to her one-eyed tuxedo cat.

6 Things That Still Happen in Solid D/s Relationships

Show of hands — who’s looked at a D/s relationship (or any other flavor of relationship) and thought, “Hashtag relationship goals!” I know I have.

It’s easy to imagine what life will be like once we find the “perfect” Dominant or submissive partner or when we fully transition from vanilla to kink. But reality has a way of catching up with that image we build in our mind.

We’ve talked about disagreements and arguments in the past, and they happen in every relationship. But there are other small things that happen. They don’t mean your relationship is failing, only that there’s no such thing as perfect.

Here are six things that happen even in the most solid and seemingly “perfect” D/s relationships.

You Forget to Communicate

It doesn’t matter how much you remind yourself that you need to communicate, it’s easy to fall back on old habits. John Brownstone and I both find ourselves not saying what’s on our mind when we should. Thankfully when it happens, we speak up as soon as we realize what’s going on. Or we “force” the other to talk. Sometimes apologies have to be made, and sometimes we need to reconnect.

You Hate Something About Them

I hate the sound of John Brownstone’s chewing if I’m not also eating. Yes, that’s really specific and no, I don’t know why either. He hates that I keep lights on in every room. Sometimes we laugh about them, and sometimes we don’t. Yes, we’ve gotten into arguments over a stupid little thing that doesn’t actually matter much. As long as these things are small and don’t send you into constant rages,  it’s probably fine.

One Of You Doesn’t Admit the Truth

I don’t like to call this a “lie” in the hurting, manipulative sense. These are usually lies of omission. You think you’re doing the right thing and not telling your partner something hurtful. Maybe you think it’s unimportant. You know you’ve done wrong when the truth comes out, and your Dom or sub isn’t happy with you. As long as it’s not a habit, not manipulative, and not harmful, you’re probably okay. As with all things, how you handle it and what you do after matters most.

You’ll Take Each Other For Granted

We don’t want to think it’ll happen, but eventually, you’ll probably take your partner for granted. They always do a thing for you, or they’re always there. Yes you love them and appreciate what they do, but you’ll forget for a moment. Maybe you don’t say “thank you” enough or you begin to make assumptions. Like communication, this is completely fixable once you realize what’s happening. Apologize, show gratitude, and ask what your partner needs from you.

You’ll Forget Something Important

If I didn’t repeat John Brownstone’s birthday to myself over and over again, I wouldn’t remember it. Saving it in my phone and adding a calendar reminder helps, too. Forgetting something once happens to all of us — an important appointment, an anniversary, whatever. It’s what you do later that matters most. Neither of you are the worst people in the world when you forget — you’re simply human. Take steps to remember next time, and you’ll likely be just fine.

Your Kinks Won’t Always Align

Will you be okay if you have zero kinks in common? Probably not. But do they have to match perfectly? Not at all. Compatibility matters but you don’t have to be an exact match in order to have a successful D/s relationship. You only need enough common interests to be satisfied in your relationship. While some people may decide to open their relationship to exploration with other partners, it’s not a requirement. There’s plenty to discover in even a single, shared kink.

If everything is awful all the time, and you never communicate or tell the truth, yes, there’s a serious problem in your D/s relationship. But if things are mostly good, and these are occasional blips, your relationship is likely solid. If you’re still worried, look at the patterns of your relationship — communication, trust, and happiness. That will tell you more than the occasional argument or lack of communication.

This week, in episode 135, we’re talking about how no relationship is perfect, even when two people are “perfect” for each other.

Now it’s your turn. What other normal things happen in any solid, healthy relationship? Talk to us in the comments below or on Twitter!

Role Play vs. D/s Relationships

If you’ve listened to the podcast, you’ve probably heard me say (a lot!) that I’m no fan of role play, while John Brownstone’s got some seriously steamy fantasies that he wishes I’d try with him. Role play is a legitimate way to explore sexual desires, try new things, and have more kinky fuckery together. It’s just not my thing.

Have you ever had someone throw your D/s dynamic back in your face as “some weird role play shit?” I have. (Damn those internet trolls.)

So let’s talk about the differences between role play and D/s.

Note: You can play with D/s as part of your role play, and you can absolutely incorporate role play into your D/s. The two aren’t mutually exclusive. But they’re also not the same thing, either.

Role Play

In role play, the definition is in the name — you and your partner play a role, a part. You pretend to be someone you’re not. Typically this is part of some fantasy you have or as a way to express a desire. The vast majority of role play is sexual, even if it doesn’t end in sex. I won’t say that all role play is sexual, because as soon as I do, someone will have an example saying otherwise. But when someone slips on their nurse’s outfit and hands a stethoscope to their partner, the end goal is often sex.

And like a role in a play, it’s something you can start and end at any given moment. Just like the costume that you may or may not wear comes off at the end, so does the part you played. You’re not the naughty schoolboy with the sexy head mistress all the time…are you?

Role play gives you the chance to try out different desires, to play pretend in a sexy way, and to explore new things in what can feel like a safer environment. It’s not you who begged to be ravished by multiple cocks on the deck of this pirate ship. Your character wanted it! (Wink, wink, nudge, nudge).

For the record, I might be distinctly turned off by role play, but I can see its benefits, too. And for the people who enjoy it, I know they have a lot of fun.

D/s Relationships

While outsiders may call the power exchange between a Dominant and a submissive “role play,” it’s not. I get why people might think it, of course. When we scene, we sometimes wear costumes and pull out props. Our props of choice are weapons of ass destruction while yours may be something different. We speak to each other in ways that don’t fit into everyday vanilla conversations. And yes, we talk about our “role” in the relationship.

More than anything, the difference between role play and D/s is the intent.

  • My “role” within the relationship is no different than my “role” as a parent. It’s not something I turn off and turn on. It’s a part of who I am, even when I’m not actively in that role.
  • The clothes and props may enhance a scene, but they’re not needed for me to know who’s in charge and who isn’t.
  • A scene can have elements of role play in it, but it’s (for us, at least) an expression of our D/s relationship. It’s typically a combination of the physical, mental, and emotional.

So yes, from the outside looking in, from the perspective of someone who doesn’t know any different, D/s might look like role play. But we know who and what we are, and that’s all that matters.

Some might argue that bedroom only D/s might be a form of role play. Maybe it is for some people, but I doubt that’s true for the majority. They’re still Dominant and submissive the rest of the time. They only express it in a specific place.

Transitioning From Role Play Into D/s

I’ve always thought that all role play had some element of a power exchange, even if only lightly. Think of the stereotypical scenes: student/teacher, cop/robber, nurse/doctor, patient/doctor, even plumber and hot wife. Who gets the power between you is up to you and your imagination, but most of the time someone has it.

So when people have asked me how they can try out D/s or see if their partner enjoys it, I’ve suggested trying role play. Not as a substitute for communication or consent, but to keep the moment light and easy. To take the pressure off both people and make it something playful. After you play, it’s time to talk. Did you like it? Does it feel good? Would you like more of it? What if it wasn’t just role play?

That’s not a good option for everyone. But if the sexy aspect of D/s is more appealing than the serious responsibility of power exchange, it’s one way to try it out and use it as a starting point.

You can also use role play as a way to try different kink identities or types of play in your power exchange.

When people decide  something is a part of their kink identity, they tend to place a lot of weight and expectations on what they do next. (It immediately becomes Very Serious.) But exploring a desire shouldn’t have to always be so serious. If role play takes the pressure off, try out a new thing that way first before making it part of your power exchange.

Bottomline: Role play and D/s aren’t the same thing. They’re two separate things to enjoy and explore. Can they be incorporated together? Of course they can! Do both have a place in a D/s relationship? Of course they do! But how you explore and what you do is between you and your partner.

What is Your BDSM Safety Philosophy? LB128

This week we’re talking about staying safe in BDSM, thanks to a topic suggestion from Little Rara. She asked us to discuss SSC, RACK, and PRICK. Earlier this week, we discussed the basics of those three concepts. Now we’re talking about the topic of safety and BDSM.

In this episode:

  • This week’s episode is a suggestion from Little Rara from Twitter
  • SSC, RACK, and PRICK
  • Your safety philosophy might change over time.
  • It’s one way to communicate safety with a potential partner. But believing in the same method isn’t the end of the conversation.
  • You can also believe in alternate safety philosophies from a partner and still find common ground.
  • SSC, RACK, and PRICK get people riled up, but they don’t have to be.

Links from the show:

Safety in BDSM: Understanding SSC, RACK, and PRICK (blog post)

Support the show

Postcard Project

Kayla Lords on Fetlife

John Brownstone on Fetlife

Contact us!

Listen to the show:

iTunes

Google Play

Your favorite podcast app!

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