LovingBDSM

The Loving BDSM Podcast

Tag: D/s relationships (page 1 of 11)

Thinking of Your D/s Relationship as a Team

Pardon the missed episode last week and our fuzzy brains this week. It took us a while to find the words we wanted for this one, but the basic idea is this…D/s isn’t just about what you do for each other or what you get as a submissive or a Dominant. It’s also about what you do as a team or a single unit.

In this episode:

  • We were sick last week so there was no episode on November 9
  • Enter to win our giveaway with Lodbrock!
  • We’ll be at the Woodshed in Orlando on December 1 — if you’re local to the area, come see us!
  • We’ve had to rely on each other a lot in the last few weeks.
  • D/s isn’t just about what a submissive does for their Dom or what a Dom does to their submissive. It’s about what you create and build together.

Links from the show:

November 2018 Giveaway — Enter now!

Woodshed Shopping Extravaganza — details for December 1 event

Equality and Balance in D/s Relationships (podcast episode)

Kinky Fuckery Shop

Become a patron on Patreon

Support the show

Postcard Project

Subscribe on YouTube

Follow us on Instagram

Follow us Twitter

Message or friend us on Fetlife

Contact us!

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4 Ways to Get Into a Kinky Mindset

Vanilla life interferes with D/s and kink every chance it gets. Bills need to be paid. You have to go work. And let’s not even mention what parenting can do to your kinky life.

Finding the boundaries between the vanilla world and the D/s dynamic you crave isn’t always easy. Sometimes the rest of your life has to take precedence. Even those of us (like John Brownstone and I) who are 24/7 D/s have to put aside roles and dynamics from time to time to deal with whatever life throws our way. Although, our preference is to navigate every moment of life through our power exchange, but it’s not always an option.

So when you find yourself having to switch back and forth between vanilla and D/s headspaces, how do you make the transition into your Dominant or submissive role? There’s no single correct answer, and you’ll have to find what works best for you. But if you’re not sure where to begin, here are a few ideas.

End Your Work Day With a Ritual

We know plenty of submissives who walk in the door after work and do something to feel submissive.

  • They put on a specific outfit or their collar.
  • They kneel or practice certain positions.
  • Maybe they start a shower or draw a bath for their Dominant.

It doesn’t matter what the action is — it only needs to appeal to you. But once their work day (and kids count as work, y’all) is done, these submissive do very specific things that get them ready to be fully engaged with their power exchange. The act itself might be submissive or simply the act of doing the thing may help them shed the vanilla persona.

And Dominants, it works in reverse for you. When your submissive does their task or ritual, if possible, make it in direct service of you. This way, when that action takes place, you know that’s the time to get into a more Dominant headspace. Maybe your sub pours you a drink or presents you with some kinky fuckery toy. Again, it doesn’t matter what you do, only that it has meaning to you.

Complete Tasks

Slightly different from ending your day with a ritual, these are tasks you complete throughout the day. They’re meant to serve as reminders all day long about who you are as a submissive or Dominant. And yes, Dominants can have tasks. When we were long distance, John Brownstone started every day by choosing the panties I would wear and sending me a text message. That was a “task” he did as a Dominant that (I hope) helped him feel in control.

Whatever things you choose to do in your D/s relationship should be talked about and consented to first. They can serve a very specific purpose — service submission, Caregiver nurturing, etc. Or they can simply be something that appeals to you or that you want to do. My tasks are things that I’ve worked into my routine so well that I sometimes forget why I’m doing them.

This is what I do:

  • Make coffee for John Brownstone upon request — whenever he wants it
  • Turn down the bed at night.
  • Get the coffee pot ready for the next morning.
  • Make his lunch.

Not everyone is a service submissive or someone who craves routine like me. Other people find it’s better for them if they do or assign tasks as needed. Fun ones from our past include masturbating in the ladies room at work and sending him a picture when I was done. The moment I received the request, I was in a subby mindset.

In reverse, for a Dominant, submissives can send a message to their Dominant requesting permission for something. I used to do that when I really wanted something sweet to eat in the afternoon. It reminded us both of who was in charge…especially when he said no!

Plan Your Kinky Fuckery

We’ve got this on the brain right now because at the end of October, we’re going to our local BDSM club for kinky fuckery. And we’ve had it planned for nearly a month. Having this to look forward to has kept me in a more submissive mindset for weeks. Every time I think about what might happen, I go all ooey, gooey inside…until I imagine the impact play, and then my masochist side gets very excited.

You don’t always have to plan major events for this to work. Even small plans like getting together over the weekend or what you’ll do after the kids go to bed counts. The point is to place a priority on what it is that you enjoy doing together as Dominant and submissive — and then planning for it. Schedule it and treat it like the important appointment that it is.

Having the anticipation of the moment gives you something to think about. And I have found it’s great for staying in your kinky mindset.

Create Meaningful Protocols and Rituals

A ritual or protocol sounds like a very formal BDSM thing and the idea of it can intimidate some people. Basically these are things that you do that become habits. They’re done at set times or in specific ways and are rarely deviated from.

Maybe the end of your day isn’t the right type for a task or ritual. What about when you wake up? Is there some habit you can start that helps you feel your kinky self?

  • Wait to be told to get out of bed
  • Help your Dominant get dressed
  • Bring your Dominant their preferred morning beverage

And that’s just one possible morning ritual for a submissive. Like every other option we’ve mentioned, this can be literally anything. The best ritual is one that fulfills a need for both of you. Dominants, you receive something that makes you feel in control or reminds you that your submissive serves you. Submissives, you’re able to do something for (or to) your Dominant that feeds your preferred way to submit. And none of it has to be overtly kinky.

The whole point is that they’re done (basically) the same way most of the time, and they mean something to you. So that when you do them, you feel your kinky role and can, possibly, stay in that headspace for as long as possible.

In episode 152, we’re talking about creating those boundaries between your vanilla world and the D/s life you want — and most of it is a mental thing. While you can’t keep the vanilla world out forever, you can create moments of mindfulness that will help you feel your Dom or sub self more often.

Okay, now it’s your turn. What do you do to get into your kinky mindset? Are there tasks, rituals, protocols, or rules you’ve created? Share with us in the comments below or talk to us on Twitter!

13 Things New Dominants Need to Know

If we tried to write a totally comprehensive list of everything a new Dominant needs to know, we’d be here for a while. So consider this a “top 13” kind of list. Getting these things right will set you up for success in your D/s relationships. The rest can be learned as you go.

The biggest thing a new Dominant really needs to know, remember, and believe is that your D/s relationship is about you and your submissive. You’re in this together (for as long as you want to be), and what one of you does or doesn’t do impacts both of you.

Communication is Everything

There are only two real “rules” in BDSM or D/s, and one of them is communication. Not only do you need to listen to your submissive, you also need to talk to them, too. No, they should never be expected to “just know” anything. Your submissive won’t know what you don’t tell them — including your expectations, your rules, and your feelings.

You might not be comfortable with communication at first, but this is a learning opportunity. It’s okay that you don’t always know the right words to say. Being willing to sit down, listen to your submissive, and then speak from the heart does more good than saying what you think you’re supposed to say. Be real. Be honest. And speak up.

Always Get Consent

The second “rule” of BDSM is consent. It’s something you should actively seek throughout your relationship. Consent doesn’t stop once your partner agrees to be your submissive. It’s an ongoing, living, breathing, moving thing, and you need to get used to it. Sometimes you’ll hear about “seducing consent” from your submissive. That’s a fun way to do it, for sure. But sometimes you simply have to speak plainly and ask for what you want.

When you do something new, talk about it with your submissive first (remember, communication is everything). If you’re trying a new kinky thing, let your submissive know what to expect — so they can give informed consent. Unless it’s been negotiated earlier, do not “surprise” your partner with something they don’t know about.

Trust Must Be Earned…and Kept

Trust is a funny thing…difficult to earn (for some of us) and easy to lose. The quickest way to lose trust is to lie, disregard consent, and treat your partner like a non-entity. The best way to earn trust is to be honest, communicate openly, and be consistent. You’re asking for control over another human being. Make sure you’re worthy of the trust they’ll be placing in you.

On the other side, you need to be able to trust your submissive, too. This goes beyond not lying to you. You need to know you can rely on them to tell you when things are good and bad. (They should also feel safe to do so, and if they don’t feel safe, it’s important to find out why.)

Check In Regularly

While checking in with your submissive can (and should!) be an everyday thing, I’m specifically thinking about any kinky play. Never rely solely on a safeword or safe gesture (when they’re unable to speak). Yes, have those in place, but don’t wait for them to be used. Especially if either of you are new to each other or the kink you’re trying.

Checking in doesn’t ruin the mood or make you look inadequate or even nervous. It shows that you care about your submissive’s well-being and needs — and that you know the importance of continued consent. You can ask for a color: red means stop, green means keep going, and yellow means slow down. Or you can say, “Is this okay?” or “Should I keep going?”

It’s Okay if You Don’t Feel Confident

As a new Dominant, you aren’t expected to know everything about BDSM or being a Dominant. (No one knows everything about it. We’re all still learning.) Some of the things you’re being asked to do — like take charge of another human being — will be new to you. Feeling unsure of yourself or worrying that you might hurt your partner are normal feelings. They’re actually a great indication that you care about your submissive’s well-being.

Time and experience will grow your confidence more than anything else.

  • Start small and slow in your D/s relationship.
  • Don’t implement too many rules all at once or you’ll overwhelm yourself and your submissive.
  • Ease into new kinky fuckery. Practice first!
  • Talk to your submissive about how you’re feeling.

Don’t Hide Your Emotions

There’s this awful stereotype that Dominants are supposed to be the strong, silent type who never get nervous, scared, or anxious. They never feel any emotion other than confident and in control. Blech. I hate this stereotype.

You’re human. Of course you have emotions! And they don’t have to be hidden from your submissive. In fact, if you’re trying to build trust, get better at communication, and deepen your D/s relationship, they shouldn’t be hidden. So open up. Admit the things that are on your mind. You never know how your submissive may be able to help…or simply be supportive.

You Don’t Have to Wear All Black

(Or leather, latex, or anything you don’t want to wear.)

If you want to wear head-to-toe black when you’re in your Dom gear, go for it. But you don’t have to. If you prefer to wear jeans and a t-shirt, you’re still Dominant. John Brownstone has spanked my ass and helped me remember who I belong to, while wearing his pajamas.

The clothes don’t make the Dom. It’s about what you do and what you say — and how you make your submissive feel, that matters most.

But if leather, latex, or all black help you get into the Dom headspace, go for it. The point is that there are no rules to this, no matter what porn, Tumblr, and others want you to believe.

Remember Your Submissive’s Needs

If your first thought about being a Dominant is that it’s all about you, you’re in for a rude awakening and a lot of broken D/s relationships. Yes, of course, as individuals we want our needs met. But this isn’t all about you. Your D/s relationship is also about your submissive.

It takes both of you to make a D/s relationship work. When you focus on each other’s needs, you have a better chance of success. And yes, it’s sexy for some submissives to focus only on our Dominant’s needs. But that only works long-term if we know our needs are being taken care of too.

Your Title is Earned, Not Demanded

An immediate red flag of a fake “Dominant” is the demand to be addressed by a title. If you’re telling a submissive you just met to call you “Master” or “Sir” or “Mistress” or whatever…you’re doing it wrong. So. Fucking. Wrong.

And, in reality, when you do find a submissive you want to be with, you might decide together to use a different title. Why? Because who you think you are as a Dominant may be completely different as you get to know a submissive. You may find other facets of your kinky personality you didn’t know existed. You also might not care what your submissive calls you…as long as they call you.

Educate Yourself

All kinksters have more success with D/s and BDSM when they educate themselves. Learning together with a partner is fun, but the learning doesn’t stop when you’re single, either. In fact, that’s when you should ramp things up and learn as much as you can — about yourself, about things you want to try, and about the kinky community.

A better informed kinkster is a safer and (sometimes) happier kinkster.

If you’re a new Dominant in a D/s relationship, and your submissive offers resources to you, don’t immediately ignore them. A lot will be learned through doing, but there’s also a lot to learn before, during, and after, too. If you’re a reader, look for books and blogs. For the listeners, there are plenty of podcasts (ahem) out there. And if you prefer to watch, there are YouTube channels devoted to BDSM.  Check out our list of resources to get you started.

Reach Out to the Kink Community

The lone wolf thing we think about some Dominants might seem sexy in erotica, but it can be downright lonely and isolating in real life. If you have access to a local kink community, find an event to attend. Fetlife is great for this with most local groups putting their munches and other events online. This lets you meet other kinksters and realize you’re not alone. It’s also a great way to talk to other new and experienced Doms and educate yourself.

But if all you can do is talk to people online, do that. Avoid those who speak in cliche and stereotype about D/s, though. The people who are most likely living it and may offer real insight don’t do that. They’ll tell you how they do it but that there’s no one right way to be a Dominant or submissive. Most importantly, they feel like real people. And that’s who and what we are…not caricatures in a story, but real people who navigate D/s in our own way.

Remember Your Submissive is Your Partner

As a Dominant, you might have the power and be in control, but your D/s relationship is a partnership. How much so depends on the type of relationship you have. When you’re together, work together. Talk about what’s on your mind. Admit when you’re unsure. Seek their feedback.

Whatever you do as a Dominant and in your D/s relationship is supposed to be good for both of you. But you’re not a mindreader and you shouldn’t make assumptions about what your submissive wants or needs. Yes, you need to get very good at listening and paying attention. You can learn a lot about your submissive that way. But the success of your kinky relationship depends on both of you, so treat your submissive like the partner they are.

Don’t Forget Aftercare

Aftercare is most associated with big BDSM scenes involving lots of heavy play (like impact play). But it’s useful after seriously kinky sexy or a mindfuck scene that involved no nudity or even touching. When you play, always check in with your submissive afterwards. Providing aftercare is unique to the person. Some people want cuddles, hugs, and food. Others want to be left alone with their thoughts. But always talk about it and check in.

Aftercare isn’t just for submissives, either. Don’t be surprised if you feel a little overwhelmed after a scene or good sex. Depending on your play, you may have just physically exerted yourself in new ways. You’ve definitely given your mind a workout. When your submissive checks in and wants to help you later, don’t immediately discount the request. Getting reassurance and other feel good moments may help you remember that you’ve done a good thing that your submissive really wanted.

To the experienced kinksters, what else would you add to this list and why? For new Dominants, are there questions or concerns you have that we didn’t address in this post? Share in the comments below or talk to us on Twitter!

In episode 150, we’re going to focus specifically on confidence in Dominance. Check it out!

Jealousy in D/s Relationships LB148

Most of us use the term “jealousy” as a catch-all for worry, envy, insecurity and other negative feelings in a relationship. So let’s talk about what we mean when we say we’re feeling “jealous” and how we can deal with it in a D/s relationship.

In this episode:

  • This episode was suggested by Precious who specifically asked about how Doms deal with jealous submissives, but it’s such a big topic, we didn’t want to focus on just that.
  • Jealousy impacts both sides of the D/s slash.
  • It’s a catch-all word we use, but there are two parts to it: envy and insecurity.
  • Envy isn’t just what you feel when you’re single and want a partner and everyone else has their perfect D or s. It happens in relationships too.
  • If you don’t talk about envy, it can fester and breed resentment — hurting your relationship.
  • Insecurity is much more common and tends to come from fear and bad tapes.
  • It can lead to dangerous, abusive situations though.

Links from the show:

5 Signs of Unhealthy Insecurities in D/s Relationships (blog post)

Understanding Bad Tapes in Your D/s Relationship (podcast)

Professor Sex

Loving BDSM Resource Page

Become a patron on Patreon

Support the show

Postcard Project

Subscribe on YouTube

Follow us on Instagram

Follow us Twitter

Message or friend us on Fetlife

Contact us!

Listen to the show:

iTunes

Google Play

Spotify

Your favorite podcast app!

Watch on YouTube

D/s Can’t Fix a Broken Relationship LB147

Fair warning…this week’s topic brings out all of the ranting. Can D/s be an amazing thing in an imperfect relationship where both people want to and can make it work? Absolutely! Will D/s be the magic potion that fixes everything that’s wrong? Nope. Let’s talk about it.

In this episode:

  • D/s can enhance a relationship. It can even make it stronger and more resilient.
  • But D/s cannot fix a relationship already beyond repair.
  • We don’t always see how bad things are at first until we get very honest with ourselves.
  • It’s normal to want to fix the relationship and make it last.
  • But if both sides won’t put in the work required and aren’t willing to get real with themselves about their own shortcomings, D/s can’t fix it.
  • D/s might be perfect for your relationship but make sure it’s the right kind of dynamic and power exchange that fits you both. If you’re trying to fulfill a stereotype of what you think D/s is, you’re setting yourself up for difficult challenges.

Links from the show:

4 Things D/s Won’t Magically Fix in Your Relationship (blog post)

Kink-Friendly Professionals

Professor Sex

Loving BDSM Resource Page

Become a patron on Patreon

Support the show

Postcard Project

Subscribe on YouTube

Follow us on Instagram

Follow us Twitter

Message or friend us on Fetlife

Contact us!

Sign up for our newsletter

Listen to the show:

iTunes

Google Play

Spotify

Your favorite podcast app!

Watch on YouTube

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