The Loving BDSM Podcast

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How We Enjoyed Phone Sex When We Were LDR

When John Brownstone and I were in a long distance relationship, our cell phones were everything. We texted, emailed, and talked multiple times a day. The few times we had to skip scheduled calls were the worst. It’s bad enough to miss someone because they can’t be with you. Having to wait longer for a phone call or email made it that much harder.

Of all the times we talked on the phone, phone sex was where we connected on a physical level. He is always the Dominant and I am always his submissive, but during those steamy, erotic phone calls is where the kinky fuckery magic happened.

Morning Masturbation

Every weekday morning, on his way to work, he called me. Our time zones were different by an hour, so he was my wake-up call. That was better than any alarm, I promise.

“Good morning, babygirl.”

If you’ve heard him on the podcast, you know what he sounds like. Now imagine that voice taking on a seductive, growly tone intent on sensual sadism. Unf. Even now it’s enough to make me wet and wanton.

He has always claimed to enjoy my sleepy, gruff-sounding “Good morning, Daddy.”  Before I was fully awake, he was ready for me.

“Get your hand on that cunt, girl.”

“Touch your clit.”

“Let’s see how many times you’ll come this morning.”

Because we enjoy orgasm control, sometimes he forced my orgasms and sometimes he edged me until I begged. And when I say “he,” I mean he told me what to do and my hand did the work. This is how we had sex for 18 months between visits. For a long time after we moved in together, I couldn’t masturbate without his voice telling me what to do.

Evening Kinky Fuckery

We never were the type to Skype or FaceTime. If we weren’t writing our thoughts (by email, text, or blog comment), we were speaking them. But the only time we saw each other was face-to-face. I’m not really sure why that is. It was likely an internet/data limit/too many people around thing.

At night, when we both had more time and a little privacy, it was time to play again. I often kept the lights on (knowing I’d have to get up and clean myself up) and lay on top of the sheets and a towel, ready and waiting. Sometimes he gave me instructions before the evening call and sometimes he surprised me when I answered the phone.

Butt plugs, glass dildos, vibrators, nipple clamps. Whatever I had at the time (it was a much smaller sex toy collection than today), we used it. Every action directed by his voice, telling me to imagine him there, and what he would do the next time he visited.

I’ve smacked my pussy, pinched my nipples, squirted into my sheets, and choked back screams of pleasure because of phone sex. Thankfully, he didn’t expect me to say much back beyond, “Yes, Daddy” and “Please can I come?” Most of the time, anything I would say only came out as squeaks and whimpers. I’m fairly certain he lived for the moments when all my words jumbled together as I struggled to ask permission to come or beg for mercy before I exploded.

It’s not something I’m interested in now, even when we’re apart for a night or two, but for a long time, phone sex allowed us to express our sexual D/s connection when we were apart. That we were addicted to each other made it easier for me to get over my shyness. (Phone sex is right on the edge of role play for me — and we know how I feel about that).

Want to know what other people think about phone sex? Check out the latest Kink of the Week! Got your own thoughts about it? Share in the comments below or talk to us on Twitter.

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Transitioning from Long Distance D/s to In Person D/s

A listener reminded us that we’d promise to discuss how to make the transition from a long distance relationship to an in-person one. We leaned heavily on our own experiences, but also shared tips even if your situation is completely different.

In this episode:

  • Join us on Patreon!
  • Visit John Brownstone’s updated website!
  • The shop for weapons of ass destruction is temporarily down, but we’re aware of it, and it’s on purpose.
  • As much as you can, try to plan before the move and transition.
  • You both need to adjust once you move — new rules, anxiety, dealing with the differences
  • You may feel something like new relationship energy from the excitement.
  • Real life will set in at some point. It can be a shock to the system.
  • Take the time you need to adjust.
  • Lean on supportive family and friends before the move.
  • Communicate, communicate, communicate.

Links from the show:

Long Distance Relationships Part 1: In the Beginning (episode 83)

Navigating a Long Distance Relationship Part 2 (episode 84)

6 Types of Transitions in a Long Distance Relationship (blog post)

8 Non-Sexual Things You Can Do in a Long Distance D/s Relationships (blog post)

The Wood Dom

Subscribe on YouTube

Become a patron on Patreon

Support the show

Postcard Project

Kayla Lords on Fetlife

John Brownstone on Fetlife

Contact us!

Listen to the show:


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What is Fit for Kink? | New Fit for Kink Video Series

What does it mean to be fit for kink? I can tell you what it doesn’t mean.

It doesn’t mean that you have to be a specific size, weight, or body type. Being fit for kink means that you want to get fitter and healthier so you can enjoy the kinky fuckery you want to have.

What does this look like in practice?

I have limited flexibility and (sometimes) my current size makes some bondage positions difficult. So I’ve decided to become more physically fit in order to get into bondage ties I really enjoy or try new ones.

But let’s be real. Sometimes we just want to lose weight, and that’s a battle I’ve faced my whole life. So yes, full disclosure, I’m trying to lose weight, too.

What is Fit for Kink?

What’s all of this mean? It means I want to get fit for my kink and lose a bit of weight in the process, and I want anyone else who has the same goal to join me. We can encourage each other and learn from each other. Passing on tips is encouraged as is being each other’s cheerleaders.

First “Fit for Kink” was a now-defunct Google Plus group. Then it was  a forum on the Loving BDSM community (temporarily defunct). And now, it’s a video series on YouTube.

Subscribe to our YouTube channel to see videos as they go live on Saturday (once a week is the plan) or watch here on the blog (subscribe to get notifications of new blog posts). But either way, if you want to be fitter for your kink — with or without weight loss — you’re welcome to watch!

I don’t pretend to know it all, but I’ll share what I’ve learned, a few things I think, and maybe help you feel better about your own fitness journey and experience.

Watch the Video

The first video explains what I mean by “fit for kink” and what I’m doing to get there. I’ve got a long list of topics to cover, but questions and suggestions are always welcome!

I’m no expert and this isn’t medical advice. It’s just a community of kinksters supporting the hell out of each other.

My Body is Not Mine: Eating Disorders and Kink

Welcome back B. Mercy to the blog. Today is the second of her two-part blog series on eating disorders and kink. Read the first post here.

My body is not mine.

That’s what throbs through my body, subconsciously, when I kneel before a toilet bowl.

In a bulimia crisis moment, my body is not mine.  In this terrible moment, my body belongs to doubts, hate, lies, and bad pain. The urge to purge is so strangely seductive. Kinksters know how humiliating, painful, and taboo behaviors can have that dark allure.  Addicts and self harmers know that same pull.

In this moment I’m driven by layers of urges and none of them are good. I don’t want to look this way. I don’t want to weigh this way. I don’t want to curve and bulge and squeeze. My mirror and my mind clash hard. My insides twist and make me think I feel sick to my stomach. I want release in such a warped way. 

When you stick your fingers down your throat, when you make yourself purge your insides, there’s a mix of violent physical reactions and a flood of soothing endorphins. We’ve each had a moment where it just feels really good to toss our cookies. It eases pain, nausea, worry. You’ve had those moments when you can’t hold back—your body has its own ideas about what it needs to do. It’s gross but it somehow feels worth it.

But when you purge, you don’t throw up just the once. You’re manipulating your body’s reflexes.  When a wave really gets going, you stay over that bowl heaving and gagging until there really isn’t anything left. That sour unique taste of bile fills your tongue for a good while before your reflexes finally relax.  Your whole abdomen clenches hard, trying to force out anything left. It’s violent. It’s mutilation. And that’s what my disease, what my bad pain wants. 

And the exercise is useless because it isn’t exorcising any demons. It’s fucking up by body. My teeth, stomach, throat. It tastes horribly foul. It creates a mess in the bathroom with all the spatter of digested food and juices.  It only compounds all my deep dark terrible thoughts: I am disgusting. It’s like being imprisoned and locking yourself in a tighter, meaner cage because you’re so afraid of the cell you’re already in.

These are moments where you can be so wrapped up in the physical and mental sensations of mere seconds that everything else fades away. Kinksters know these moments well. So do those of us who have self harmed. There is symmetry in the places I’ve been in the midst of a bulimia crisis and in the midst of utter submission.

It’s appropriate. The battle against an eating disorder starts in the mirror. You have to divorce what is actually in the mirror vs what you think it means. In kink we tend to think of things as mirrored, interlocking parts—pleasure and pain, dominance and submission, control and agency.    

My body is not mine.

That’s what throbs through my soul, subconsciously, when I sit on a toilet before my Sir.

In this intimate moment, my body is not mine.  The urges are both mine and not: he’s the one who likes watching his submissives pee, and my desires are to increasingly (and safely) submit.  This used to be something I never thought I could ever do. There is so much shame attached. But that’s how we kinksters flip things. Shame can be seductive. Shame can be engaged with in a way that isn’t harmful but actually healthy.

I sit there, totally nude, on the porcelain seat. He cups my chin in his hand. There’s of course the need for natural physical release hanging in the air here. But there’s another sort of release that I’m just on the cusp on. Here is something that one is always supposed to do in private. It’s supposed to be disgusting. And letting yourself be seen in the midst of this every day natural bodily function is a societal sin of the highest kind. But if I break that taboo… If I submit to that level of exposure… There’s a freedom there that I’ve been coaxed into tasting.

Something clicks and I release. I pee. There’s a sigh that escapes my lips. We all have had that moment where we’ve had to ‘hold it’ and then finally get to ‘go’. But this goes beyond that. There’s the subspace tingle that settles over me. I’ve achieved a new level of submission to my Dominant. I overcame a challenge (and no minor one at that). I’ve pleased him. 

But this goes even further. I sometimes think that just my clothed body is disgusting. And my naked one even worse. And my body contorted in all sorts of ways for kink and sex, a total nightmare. But how could any of that be meaningfully true now? My partner requested for, observed, and smiled at me pissing. He is, assuredly, not getting caught up on how many stretch marks I have or how round I am. And if he isn’t, why should I?

I have found greater self confidence, better self healing, by being approved of in the eyes of another. My various Doms’ approval of my body has helped to cement my own approval of my body. Being told I’m sexy doesn’t sound like a lie or delusion anymore.  I can trust a Dominant to bind me, hurt me, humiliate me. So I can trust them and believe them when they say: I’m not disgusting. I’m beautiful inside and out. I don’t ever deserve to feel the way I do when I purge.

Hurt can be seductive. And that can fuck you up. But the beauty of kink is how we take twisted things and give them another twist. Pain doesn’t have to be some dead end road.  You can take the darkness and make it healthy, take the humiliating and make it desirable. The gross can be fun. The private can be open. Agony and shame can be healing.

About B. Mercy

Bittersweet Mercy is a bi and bold millennial who tries to save the world under one name by day and at night writes, performs stand up, and plays under aliases.  This summer she will be starting a new life in the DC area and looks forward to introducing new friends to her one-eyed tuxedo cat.

Service Submission LB137

In the first of what will surely be many conversations about submission, we’re discussing service submission. We give a (very) broad overview of what it means and then dive into our very personal experiences with it.

In this episode:

  • Join us on Patreon!
  • Kayla’s definition of service submission — as a service submissive.
  • Being told what to do vs setting expectations for what needs to be done
  • Yes, you can be just a service submissive or it can be part of your submission
  • Gratitude and appreciation are often necessary for many service submissives to want to keep serving.

Links from the show:

9 Different Types of Submission (blog post)

Having an Attitude of Gratitude in Your D/s Relationship (podcast)

Subscribe on YouTube

Become a patron on Patreon

Support the show

Postcard Project

Kayla Lords on Fetlife

John Brownstone on Fetlife

Contact us!

Listen to the show:


Google Play

Your favorite podcast app!

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