LovingBDSM

The Loving BDSM Podcast

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A Conversation with Amy of Coffee and Kink LB123

While in London at Eroticon, we took advantage of the fact that we were on the same continent with Amy of Coffee and Kink to sit down for a chat with her. If we could have, we would have happily had conversations with several other people in London, as well, but for our first, we’re so glad to introduce you to Amy.

Small content warning: Mentions of abuse in BDSM (nothing too heavy, but take care of yourself, as always)

In this episode:

  • We’re recording with a cup of coffee, as we should be!
  • Amy discusses her relationships and kinks.
  • She’s a writer, too!
  • Read her work! Follow her! Amy is awesome!!

Links from the show:

Amy of Coffee and Kink – website

Follow Amy on Twitter

Read: Abuse, D/s, and the Art of Knowing the Difference by Amy of Coffee and Kink

Read: [Guest Post] Forget Perfection, Bring Me the Glory – Life as a Disabled Kinkster by Pippin Strange

Join the Loving BDSM Community

Support the show

Postcard Project

Kayla Lords on Fetlife

John Brownstone on Fetlife

Contact us!

Listen to the show:

iTunes

Google Play

Your favorite podcast app!

Porn Review: Andre Shakti and Domino Embers Enjoy a Sweet Hardcore Scene

Image via CrashPadSeries and used with their permission.

We were given access to watch this episode in exchange for an honest review. Affiliate links are also included in this review. If you use the link and make a purchase, you support Loving BDSM and help us maintain our coffee addiction. 

The first moments of porn always feel a little awkward to me. I’m still in my head and not quite in the moment. I kind of think that’s how this episode began, and we (the audience and Domino Embers – there for his first porn shoot) were taken on a tour of the facilities. By the time they got back to the bedroom, I think we were all more relaxed.

Why does that even matter? Because it continues to prove the point that CrashPadSeries is different. Their porn is some of the most inclusive and realistic porn I’ve ever watched.

Not all porn is for everyone, so we don’t watch everything they produce, but when I get an email saying there’s floggers, clamps, and “a very sweet hardcore scene,” I’m there.

Episode 258: Andre Shakti and Domino Embers

What you can expect to see: femme on femme, cis & trans/nonbinary, blindfolds, clamps and taser on the labia, floggers, and a very sweet hardcore scene. Toys: Magic Wand Vibrator, SwitchLeatherCo cuffs, and more!

I think what drew me to this episode (besides the promise of some kinky fun) was that Andre and Domino are real life partners. This was Domino’s first porn shoot, so I could imagine how nervous he might have been. But Andre spent all her time making sure he felt good.

It began with genital slapping which always gets my attention – impact play, some pain (although stinging isn’t my personal favorite), and the inherent power. But it was more than that.

With each new position, toy, or movement, Andre would say, “Please” or “Do you mind” or “Will you move here” and it was sweet and kind. John Brownstone and I might be more into commands and orders during our kinky fuckery but watching how effortless and sweet consent can be is wonderful to watch.

While Domino had his labia clamped, I cringed but I was also noticeably wet. When Andre flogged the clamps, John Brownstone made several appreciative noises. But what I noticed more was that when Domino said he couldn’t handle the clamp in one spot, Andre didn’t hesitate to remove it and keep going.

It’s always fascinating to me that I get turned on by witnessing kinky pain that I myself don’t want to try. Clamps on my clit? No thank you, but I’ll watch Domino enjoy it. A taser to the labia? Mmmm, no, but it’s fun watching someone else enjoy it.

In the end, of course, there’s sex, but (spoiler!) it’s not the sex we most associate with porn, and it’s another reason why CrashPadSeries is so damn refreshing to me. And hearing real squelching noises from a very turned on body is waaaaaay better than watching someone use spit as lube.

About CrashPadSeries

From the website: “Based on the Feminist Porn Award’s “Hottest Dyke Sex Scene” and queer sex cult classic The Crash PadCrashPadSeries.com continues the story of a secret apartment in San Francisco dedicated to hot, queer sex. Thanks to the voyeuristic supervision of the Keymaster — played by director Shine Louise Houston — the lube never runs out, the sheets are always clean (no matter how much you soaked them the night before), and your wildest fantasies can come true. The only rule? You need a Key to get in, and once you’ve used it seven times, you have to pass it on.”

CrashPadSeries features queer, trans, and extremely inclusive porn. It’s not an exclusively BDSM porn website but with more than 250 episodes to view, there’s SO much to choose from. And, if you’d like something a little more vanilla, they have that too.

Queer Porn for “Vanilla” Lovers: Soft, Sweet, and Sensual

Joining/Watching Crash Pad Series

Every few weeks, we’re offered the chance to watch a new episode, and I don’t always say yes. Why? Because I want to watch porn that appeals to me and not all of it does. That’s just how porn is. But when I do, I’m never disappointed.

Should you join and watch Crash Pad Series? If you want ethical, diverse, interesting, and good porn, yes.

Yes, you have to pay for your porn. That’s the right thing to do. Porn isn’t actually meant to be free, y’all. The best deal is a yearly membership. You have to pay up front but it works out to $9.99 per month (as of the date of publication). You can pay a month at a time (currently $25 per month) or buy a three-month membership.

Is it worth the price? I think so.

If you’re not used to seeing anything other than white, male Doms in three piece suits and white, female subs who beg to be covered in come, get ready. This is a whole new world of porn to explore. What someone looks like on the screen doesn’t matter as much as how they make you feel.  How their experience with sex and kink speaks to you. What it does to your body and your mind. To be honest it is very refreshing to see people who look like you or people you know fucking their brains out.

Check out episode 258 here

 

 

Complacency in D/s Relationships LB122

In episode 122, we let a rant from John Brownstone and a question from a listener inspire us. People get complacent when they get comfortable or when life gets in the way. It happens in D/s and vanilla relationships. The important thing isn’t that it’ll happen. It’s what you’ll do about it.

In this episode:

  • Reminder: We’re on hiatus until March 30 (just two weeks).
  • For Kinky Fuckery members, the March submissive meeting is Saturday, March 10 at 8pm EST.
  • John Brownstone is leading this month’s Kinky Book Club discussion in the forum.
  • Finally, a show idea from a John Brownstone rant!
  • The listener question got us thinking about complacency – something that can and does happen in any relationship.
  • The only real fix is communication. You’ve got to talk about it.

Links from the show:

They Were Both Subs by Julie Knispel

Write for Loving BDSM

Join the Loving BDSM Community

Support the show

Postcard Project

Kayla Lords on Fetlife

John Brownstone on Fetlife

Contact us!

Listen to the show:

iTunes

Google Play

Your favorite podcast app!

They Both Were Subs: D/s in the Trans Community

Please help us welcome our first blog contributor to Loving BDSM, Julie Knispel. She brilliantly writes on the topic of trans women in the BDSM community and in D/s relationships. She takes on stereotypes that people in and out of the trans community have about Dominance and submission and shares her personal perspective.

Note: an affiliate link is included in this piece. If you click the link and make a purchase, we maintain our coffee addiction a little longer. 

There is, I think, an image that comes to mind when many people consider trans people involved in BDSM. It’s forged from mainstream porn, and consists of the imperious Domme standing over a sub, breaking them down until they finally submit to sex with said Domme.

It’s a lovely image to be sure…the image that launched a thousand fantasies.

It is also woefully incomplete.

To paraphrase Jane Austen, ‘It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single trans girl in possession of her subby nature, must be in want of a Domme.’

Domme Trans Women

D/s in the trans community is a nuanced, multifaceted creature. It’s bound by the fact that subs outnumber dommes by many factors. One could try and find deeper psychological or sociological reasons for this, but in the end, I doubt even that would be able to get to the core of the experience. The simple fact is that the imperious Domme exists, she’s the exception to the norm, and the fantasy is much less complex than the reality.

What’s more…if one is a switch, one finds that they end up being considered a Domme by default. The moment a switch says ‘You know, I’m feeling rather toppy today’ two dozen subs of all gender identities come flocking in looking for a spot.

Combine this with the seemingly mystical way in which relationships in the trans community seem to almost inevitably shift towards polycules rather than couples, and you end up with a Domme (who is likely more a switch) and a coterie of subs all vying for attention. You end up with one very exhausted Domme. And for a power exchange dynamic in which top drop and burnout can happen, they happen with unerring regularity.

Submissive Trans Women

There are many reasons I think a lot of trans women end up subs. I can only speak for myself, but for me, it really hinges on two things:

1) In the absence of ‘degradation,’ i.e., dirty talk, it gives us a dynamic in which we’re cared for by and allowed to care for our Domme. It creates an environment in which we are affirmed, needed, wanted, desired…things we rarely get in non play life. Aftercare becomes more than a needed thing in the power exchange. It becomes a rare example of being told we’re good, we matter, we’re important. For me, when Miss calls me a good girl, tells me she’s proud of me? It’s something I never got growing up. It’s everything my life has missed, and it makes me want to serve more.

2) In the presence of the previously mentioned dirty talk, it allows us a safe environment in which to find pride in our sexuality and our bodies. It allows us to reclaim ourselves from all the negativity that comes from living while trans. We live in a world in which women who claim ownership and agency of their sexuality are shamed for it. Where trans women not only deal with that but the weight that comes from being told that they are abominations. The opportunity to feel desired and cherished is one that is embraced with gusto.

Domme Perspectives

Playing around in Domme/top space is a thing I am not at all comfortable with. I can speak from experience as I have tried in the interest of wanting to know if I had any switchy capability in me. While the tools are of course amazingly familiar to me, and I can use them with skill, the rest of the language is unknown and unknowable to me.

I can’t at all settle in and feel comfortable. It’s like tottering on a pair of stilts for the first time. You know you’re going to fall; it’s just a question of how soon and how spectacularly. Considering the involvement of another person in a scene, vs. being on stilts…well, tis best not. So I can’t personally talk about the experience with any knowledge.

In Their Own Words

That’s why I asked a friend of mine about her experiences as a trans woman who Dommes all the time. Here’s what she had to say:

“I spent a lot of years fighting Blanchard-ism before coming out.

So I spent a lot of time with that whole “I need to be into men to be Really Trans” thing and so I spent a lot of time joylessly attempting to be a subby bottom (though I really only ever accomplished faux-switch.

A lot of my issues getting stronger and more skilled is that I have to fight empathy, which got a lot stronger for me on E.

Like, “Sub X is having a bad day and I’d rather cuddle than tie her up and make her cry” stuff, even though tying her up and making her cry might actually help *her* more than the cuddles, but I’m fighting that vanilla-brain stuff.”

I also woke my Miss up out of a sound sleep this morning for Her input, which I already know I’ll end up feeling the repercussions from. She also happens to be a switch, and She raised a really valid point to me.

“I will say that being envious of one’s own sub is surreal, to say the least.”

And I can certainly see that, as She certainly deserves opportunities to explore and really dive into a submissive role, yet finds a lot of her time in Domme/top space. It’s a balancing act, She says, and one She has to be very careful with lest it exhaust Her.

Things Change…Slowly

Fortunately, in many ways the tide is changing as far as visibility of non-stereotypical portrayals of trans and non binary people in BDSM media. As more independent studios and collectives spring up, the widely diverse landscape of experiences are able to be shown. What’s more, many of these independents are focused on presenting more complete looks at fetish and dominance/submission in the trans community.

One need only look at Crash Pad, as one example of a larger collective. It does an amazing job showcasing far more than the ‘vanilla’ Domme trans woman topping a subby guy. Creator and performer led companies are doing the same by taking control of an image that was in many ways given them by companies sure they knew what a mostly cisgender and heterosexual audience wanted. The fact that these groups are not only surviving, but thriving, shows that there is a need for content showcasing the wide variety of experiences that D/s provides in the trans community.

You know, just like everywhere else.

About Julie Knispel

Julie has spent her life on the east coast, most frequently New Jersey, where she writes, plays bass, and advocates for the trans community, all whilst shitposting on Twitter. She’s also a very happily owned submissive. You can find her online at:

@XYcyberjulie on Twitter

Julies Den of Antiquity

Want to share your perspective of Dominance and submission or BDSM on Loving BDSM? Write for us!

Humiliation as a Kink LB121

Humiliation as a kink isn’t something everybody wants or likes. Even people who aren’t into it, though, sometimes wish they understood it. In loving D/s relationships, how you someone let themselves be treated so harshly? “Because it gets us off” is (usually) the answer. We enjoy humiliation play and consider it one of our kinks, and we’re happy to share our enjoyment of it with you in this episode.

In this episode:

  • We’ve got new Loving BDSM merchandise available for purchase!
  • Our first contributor-written piece goes live on Monday, March 5!
  • We’re serious about wanting to hire a virtual assistant, and we’ve talked to a couple of people. If you’re interested, let us know.
  • A reminder that we’ll be on hiatus for two weeks in March (March 16 and March 23)
  • Humiliation play isn’t for everyone. We love it.
  • It exists on a wide spectrum.
  • Humiliation is a form of edge play and shouldn’t be done lightly.
  • Our favorite forms are face-slapping and name-calling.
  • We must be in the right mental space to play.
  • Be careful when playing with humiliation due to known and unknown triggers.
  • Consent and communication are absolutely critical.

Links from the show:

Loving BDSM Keychains

What is Humiliation Play?

Write for Loving BDSM

Join the Loving BDSM Community

Support the show

Postcard Project

Kayla Lords on Fetlife

John Brownstone on Fetlife

Contact us!

Listen to the show:

iTunes

Google Play

Your favorite podcast app!

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