LovingBDSM

The Loving BDSM Podcast

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Consent Is More Than Yes or No in BDSM LB030

John Brownstone joins Kayla Lords for episode 30 and this week’s topic is a big one: consent. Join them in a long and winding conversation about what consent means and look like in a D/s relationship.

In this episode:

  • Special shout-out to Tumblr follower, Ruth Kay, for inspiring the episode.
  • Kayla says one word that is a favorite of some listeners.
  • John Brownstone discusses consent when a submissive is drunk.
  • Consent is more than yes or no.
  • Informed consent means understanding what is will happen, communicating what won’t happen, and understanding how toys or implements will feel before they are used.
  • What does implied consent mean?
  • In a 24/7 power exchange relationship, Dominants may have permission to take what they want, but it doesn’t mean they always should.
  • Dominants have a responsibility to their submissives well-being and health – mental, emotional, and physical.
  • Submissives have a responsibility to communicate how they feel, if they’re upset or sick, and anything else that may affect a Dominant’s decision.
  • Consent requires a certain amount of trust.
  • Communication and consent go hand-in-hand.
  • Dominants are able to withdraw their consent by ending a scene or refusing to engage in certain activities.
  • Basically, there’s much more to consent than yes or no.

Links from the show:

Shout out Ruth Kay on Tumblr for inspiring this week’s episode!

Do You Understand Informed Consent?

Silent Safewords (DomGuide.com)

Subscribe to Kayla’s Newsletter

Support Kayla on Patreon

Follow Kayla on Twitter

Stalk John Brownstone

Contact Kayla Lords

Why Do Subs Have a Hard Time Accepting Help from Our Doms? LB029

This week, in episode 29, Kayla Lords hosts with a question: Why do subs have such a hard time accepting help from our Dominants? The question comes straight from a listener, and for once, Kayla doesn’t have a firm answer, but plenty of theories.

In this episode:

  • A listener asks: why is so hard to accept help and care from our Dominants when that’s what we say we want?
  • Kayla has experienced the same issue many times.
  • The first time was in the kitchen.
  • There are plenty of reasons it might happen.
  • Is it become submissives feel like a burden?
  • Is it because we don’t think we’re worthy of the help?
  • Is it leftover from years of being taught to be independent and not rely on anyone?
  • Is it something else?
  • To move past an unwillingness to accept help takes time and a willingness to let our Dominant lead.
  • Kayla asks for feedback and opinions of listeners about why they think submissives do this.

Links from the show:

Support Kayla on Patreon

Follow Kayla on Twitter

Stalk John Brownstone

Contact Kayla Lords

Full Transcript:

You’re listening to Loving BDSM podcast: episode 29. Hey, everybody. Kayla Lords here. Today’s topic comes straight from a listener and it’s a question that I think affects most submissives: why do we have such a hard time accepting help from our Dominants? Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this is your first time listening, glad to have you! If you’re back for another week, welcome back! Loving BDSM is produced every Friday for your kinky pleasure and education and show notes are found at kaylalords.com. Come back often and feel free to add the podcast to your favorite RSS feed or iTunes. If you love what you hear, we’d love a good review on iTunes to help other kinksters find us! You can follow me on Twitter @KaylaLords or stalk John Brownstone at southernsirsplace.com. All links are in the show notes.

Just a reminder that I’m on Patreon, looking for kinky patrons to help me keep the podcast and my writing going. Anyone who can and wants to show their love can make a monthly pledge for as little as $1 a month. Go a little higher and you get perks – including monthly videos of me talking about kink, sex, writing, you name it. Your support will help me upgrade the equipment I use, have more time to create more episodes, and even make the podcast ad-free. You can stop at any time, and no worries, if you just can’t afford to do it or it’s not your thing, I still love you for listening to me each week.

Okay, on to the show.

I have to thank a listener for sending me this week’s topic. I read her email and immediately thought, “Oh my God, I do that, too!” I don’t pretend to have all the answers about this, and maybe this is just the first of many discussions to come on the topic – as we all try to figure this one out – but she raised a really good question.

Why is it, after finally admitting to ourselves that we want someone who can care for us, who we can lean on and depend on, and who we know will take care of us, that when they offer to help us, we try to reject that help? I mean, we’re submissives who love serving our Dominant but somehow don’t feel comfortable with being served by our Dominant, if that’s even the correct term.

Now I say “try to reject that help” because some Dominants, my own John Brownstone included, won’t always take no for an answer. He offers to help. I brush him off as if I don’t need it. I get the look – you know the one – and the tone – you know the one. The Dom Voice and the Dom Look together? Yeah, I’m not refusing anything after that.

But it wasn’t always like that for us. Let me give you an example of what it once looked like:

When we first moved in together, we had several weeks – and months, really – where we had to learn to adjust to being D/s on a full-time basis (tough enough) and living with another person again. There were plenty of things I was used to doing on my own. I’d done them on my own when I was married, then single, and so now, living with my Daddy Dom, I just kept doing what I’d always done.

Picture this:

Three pots on the stove, one about to boil over. The table needed to be set. The drinks to be poured. Salt, pepper, knives, forks, which kid doesn’t like this vegetable, and which kid doesn’t like the potatoes? Let’s plate up. And I was running in circles trying to get dinner on the table.

He asked if he could help.

Nope, I’m good. I got it. It’s fine.

Until I dropped a plate. The water boiled over on the stove. And I forgot the damn salt and pepper. It was nothing really, but when I feel out of control over the things I think I’m supposed to control, I get a little wound up. (Ironic, I know. A submissive who needs to be in control of things – it happens more than most people realize).

He said, “You don’t got it. Let me help.”

I pushed back. We fussed at one another. He tried to help anyway and all we did was bump into one another for 15 minutes.

It was a mess, y’all.

That night, he sat me down and we talked about it.

I had a new rule. When he offers to help, I need to one – let him help, and two – give him direction on what to do until we figure out how to work side by side in those moments. I was also under “orders” to ask for help if I need it. (I’m still working on that one. I prefer to try out for the part of Wonder Woman on at least a weekly basis.)

Now, nearly two years later, we’ve got a routine down. If he asks for help, I can accept it better, and tell him what I need him to do. Plus, he knows when to jump in without asking. We figured out our pattern for working together – in and out of the kitchen.

That’s a very small thing, and it’s really a new couple thing more than a D/s thing. But what is that about?

Prior to discovering D/s and meeting Daddy, I wanted nothing more than a partner who would be by my side, take care of me, and help me. Once I had exactly what I wanted – in a way I never could have imagined – I seemed to reject the help and care.

Sure, when it comes to obeying orders, it’s almost easy. Tell me what to do, and I’ll do it.

But offering to help me? I should be able to do it on my own. You shouldn’t have to worry about me. At least, that’s the thought process I go through.

And that, I think, is part of it. Part of serving and submitting is taking care of our Dominants. What if we’re worried that we’re a burden on them? What if it’s not that we can’t accept help but that we think we shouldn’t need their help?

Are we all telling ourselves that if we were somehow better, smarter, faster, more efficient, or whatever, they wouldn’t need to help us – with big or little things? Does accepting help feel like admitting failure and defeat?

Maybe. At least in some situations.

The person who emailed me gave her own example. Her Dominant offered to help her fix the air conditioning in her car. That’s definitely a situation where he’s providing for her, taking care of her needs, and it has little to do with his needs – unless you define having a happy, not sweltering or melting sub as being part of his needs, which I could totally see the argument for that.

But really, this is about doing for her, caring for her. And she finds it hard to accept that kind of help. Why is that?

Is it left over from all those years where we had to be completely independent? Were we all fed the same lessons about not accepting help from anyone – I know I was. Most of my life, I either said or was told that I shouldn’t need a man for anything (and while I nodded and said the right things, it never felt completely right. Guess we know why, huh?). Are these just old lessons that we haven’t forgotten?

Maybe it’s all of that and more.

Maybe we’re afraid of feeling like we’ve cost our Dominants something that’s precious to them – money, time, whatever.

Maybe we’re not sure we deserve that kind of help. I know I had a problem accepting anything from Daddy for a long time. Now, especially with my babygirl strong and out and about, I’m practically begging for treats and little things to make me happy. So when he hands me something, I’m happy, surprised, grateful, and a bit like a wiggly puppy. But that’s now. In the beginning, I found it very difficult even to receive gifts. Almost like I didn’t deserve them.

I don’t have all the answers for why we act this way. And truly, if you have any thoughts about why we do this, I’d love to hear them.

I would guess that, for those of us who have a problem accepting help from our Dominants, in whatever form it may come in, we probably have old thoughts, feelings, and memories to overcome. And once we do – in a mindful way (meaning we think about it and work to overcome our own thought processes) and by letting our Dominants take the lead – we’ll find it easier to accept the help, support, and care that we desperately wanted in the first place.

At least that’s my theory anyway.

No really, if you have thoughts on the topic about why submissives may find it difficult to accept any help from a Dominant, I really want to know. If I get enough responses, maybe I can do a follow-up episode.

That’s it for me this week. I’m going to bat my big brown eyes at Daddy and see if we can do next week’s episode together since he won’t be at work all next week. We shall see.

Keep it kinky, y’all, and we’ll see you next week.

How to Reconnect In Your D/s Relationship LB028

Kayla Lords hosts episode 28 and discusses the big and small ways you can reconnect in your D/s relationship whether you’ve been apart for a while or your routine has been thrown off for any reason.

In this episode:

  • Kayla is looking for kinky patrons!
  • You may need to reconnect with your kinky partner for a variety of reasons: being apart, recovering from illness, working different shifts, or just falling into a routine and rut.
  • There are small and big ways John Brownstone and Kayla Lords use to reconnect.
  • Getting back to assigned tasks and expectations
  • Get naked together – but not always in a sexual way
  • Mutual orgasms
  • A show of Dominance
  • Deep communication
  • Making time for kinky fuckery
  • Finding what helps you reconnect and stay connected isn’t something you do once and forget about. It’s a daily thing and will help keep a D/s relationship centered when life gets stressful.

Links from the show:

Support Kayla on Patreon

Follow Kayla on Twitter

Stalk John Brownstone

Getting Into a Rut…and Getting Out of It

Keeping It Kinky While We’re Apart

Using Our D/s Relationship to Get Through Stress

Contact John Brownstone

Contact Kayla Lords

Full Transcript:

You’re listening to Loving BDSM podcast: episode 28. Hey, everybody. Kayla Lords here. Today let’s talk about small and big ways to reconnect in your D/s relationship. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this is your first time listening, glad to have you! If you’re back for another week, welcome back! Loving BDSM is produced every Friday for your kinky pleasure and education and show notes are found at kaylalords.com. Come back often and feel free to add the podcast to your favorite RSS feed or iTunes. If you love what you hear, we’d love a good review on iTunes to help other kinksters find us! You can follow me on Twitter @KaylaLords or stalk John Brownstone at southernsirsplace.com. All links are in the show notes.

Don’t forget that I’m now on Patreon, looking for kinky patrons to help me keep the podcast and my writing going. Anyone who can and wants to show their love can make a monthly pledge for as little as $1 a month. Go a little higher and you get perks – including monthly videos of me talking about kink, sex, writing, you name it. Your support will help me upgrade the equipment I use, have more time to create more episodes, and even make the podcast ad-free. You can stop at any time, and no worries, if you just can’t afford to do it or it’s not your thing, I still love you for listening to me each week.

Okay, let’s get to the show.

If you listened to last week’s episode, you know that I traveled for a week – without John Brownstone. While we had different ways to stay connected while we were apart, we still needed to reconnect again when I came home. But really, reconnections are necessary for a bunch of different reasons:

You’ve been working opposite shifts and you finally have a day or two together.

One of you was sick and so nothing kinky was happening at all.

You’ve been apart for any reason and now you’re together again.

Hell, maybe you just got into a routine and a rut – something I’ve touched on before – and you want to get that kinky, loving feeling back.

Whatever your reasons, you need to reconnect. So I don’t have a magic cure for taking your relationship – or my own – from boring, vanilla, routine, haven’t been kinky in a while to getting your kink on. But I can tell you what John Brownstone and I do. It’s a combination of little things and big things.

When I came home from my trip, I was a wreck – the driving, the stress, the pure exhaustion from a week of helping my mom. Daddy tucked me into bed almost as soon as I came home, but the next night, I was ready to be back to our normal routines.

For me, that meant getting back to my tasks as quickly as possible. Making his coffee, getting his lunch ready, and at the end of the day, kneeling for him. If you have tasks that you haven’t been able to do or for whatever reason weren’t doing, get back to basics.

The next thing we do to reconnect is to get naked together as often as possible. Now, in case you wondered, it’s not always sexual. When we need to reconnect a little and just…BE…we take a shower together. We might get a little playful in there but knowing the kids are just a few rooms over keeps us on our best behavior. It’s a pretty intimate thing to wash another person’s back or lean into them while they’re standing in the water.

Of course, there’s nakedness due to sex. When your relationship is a loving, sexual one, mutual orgasms are always a good way to bring you closer together.

John Brownstone has his own methods to reconnect on a kinky level. Every morning before he leaves for work, he kisses me good bye. Sometimes those kisses are soft, sweet, and loving, and other times, he adds a bit of spice. He might pull my hair and hold my head back. He may pinch my nipples. He may reach down and play with my clit until I’m whimpering. Either way, when he leaves for work, I know exactly who’s in charge and how wanted I am.

Those are just some of the small things. Let’s get into the big stuff, and for us, there’s not much, but it definitely works.

We talk. Doesn’t sound like much, does it? We’re not talking about the weather. These are deep, meaningful conversations about life goals, where we’re headed together and as individuals, what we want to accomplish this week, this month, this year, and beyond. Some of it’s about kink, sure, but some of it’s just life. It’s easy for life to get in the way – whether you’re together or apart – and not have time to talk about your goals and dreams. Sometimes those conversations happen organically and sometimes you have to say, “Hey, want to go get a coffee and just talk?”

The other big thing we do is make time for some major kinky fuckery. Yes, make time. I managed to bat my big brown eyes in the exact right way to convince Daddy not to go to work the other day. Thankfully he has vacation and sick time built up that he can use. He went to an appointment he’d already set for the day, came home, and spanked my ass until my skin was on fire – bruises are forming at this very moment, ate me out, made me suck his cock, and fucked me until we were both boneless. The added bit of kink? Our bedroom window was open, and our neighbors like to sit on their back porch – I couldn’t make a sound. Holy hell, it was hot. And for the rest of the day and even now, I’ve been loose, relaxed, and able to handle whatever is going on with my sense of humor in tact.

It might not sound like much but sometimes it’s the smallest things or even the most basic things that can help us reconnect and get back to our kinky center. Which is sort of the point. You have to be mindful of the ways you can connect with your partner, in good but boring times, and when life gets stressful. Doing so will help you both mindful of your relationship.

Okay, that’s it for me this week. I have a more indepth episode coming soon – thanks to a suggestion from a listener. If you’ve got questions or suggestions for episodes, feel free to contact me or John Brownstone directly.

Keep it kinky y’all, and we’ll see you next week.

Maintaining Your D/s Connection Even When Apart LB027

This week, Kayla Lords is separated from John Brownstone by 600+ miles, and for six days, it’s back to the way things were in the long distance days. In episode 27, Kayla discusses how they stay connected while apart – things you can do whether it’s a temporary distance or during your long distance D/s relationship.

In this episode:

  • John and Kayla are separated for a week, so they’re reverting back to their long distance days to stay connected.
  • Scheduled phone calls
  • Constant texting – and sexting.
  • Creating different routines or modifying the existing ones.
  • Asking permission for treats.
  • Special assigned tasks.

Links from the show:

Support Kayla on Patreon

Follow Kayla on Twitter

Stalk John Brownstone

Full Transcript:

You’re listening to Loving BDSM podcast: episode 27. Hey, everybody. Kayla Lords here. Today let’s talk about what you can do to feel connected when you’ve got miles between you. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this is your first time listening, glad to have you! If you’re back for another week, welcome back! Loving BDSM is produced every Friday for your kinky pleasure and education and show notes are found at kaylalords.com. Come back often and feel free to add the podcast to your favorite RSS feed or iTunes. If you love what you hear, we’d love a good review on iTunes to help other kinksters find us! You can follow me on Twitter @KaylaLords or stalk John Brownstone at southernsirsplace.com. All links are in the show notes.

Don’t forget that I’m now on Patreon, looking for kinky patrons to help me keep the podcast and my writing going. Anyone who can and wants to show their love can make a monthly pledge for as little as $1 a month. Go a little higher and you get perks – including monthly videos of me talking about kink, sex, writing, you name it. You can stop at any time, and no worries, if you just can’t afford to do it or it’s not your thing, I still love you for listening to me each week.

Now, on to the show.

I’m going to do my damnedest to keep this week’s show brief. I’m in the middle of traveling – without John Brownstone – and am spending the week with my mother who just had surgery. No worries, she’ll be fine, but as an only child who only has my mother left – my dad died when I was 22 – when my mother needs me, I come running. This was one of those moments.

It’s also the longest Daddy and I have been apart since we moved in together nearly two years ago. Weird.

So for anyone who’s in a long distance D/s relationship or unexpectedly finds themselves having to travel without their kinky partner, here’s a list of what we do to feel connected even when we’re apart:

He picks out my panties before I pack. He may or may not request a picture, but back in the day, he picked them out for me each morning (via text message), and I used to send him a picture every day so he could see me in the ones he chose.

We schedule times to talk, and those times are sacrosanct. Sure, real life may get in the way, but dead phones and car accidents are the only real excuses we accept. For us, it’s when he’s on his way to work, during his lunch break, and then right before bed.

Constant texting, and most of it is kinky and sexual. We play out entire fantasies from the keyboards on our phones.

We talk about the other to anyone who will listen. I’m sure for my family it gets old. I’m past the point of caring. When I talk about him, I’m also thinking about how much I love him, and that makes me happy.

He assigns special tasks. Go to the bathroom and masturbate. Send me a picture of your boobs. Wear pigtails in your hair just for me. Nothing that would get me arrested or make my family have me committed, but things that remind me who’s in charge.

I ask permission for special treats. Sure, going out of town means some of the rules relax a little. They sort of have to, but when I need to feel connected, I’ll send him a message asking if I can have a margarita with my friend, order the chocolate cake for dessert, or buy the book I really want. He often says yes, but sometimes he says no. All of it gives me a thrill.

Maintaining the rituals we can. When we’re apart, I can’t kneel on the bed and wait for him to spank me and then give me permission to come to bed. But I can call him and ask for permission to go to bed, instead. That will often lead to a masturbation session and a few good orgasms.

When you’re away from your kinky partner, whether you’re the Dominant or the submissive, it’s really hard. The rituals and methods to stay connected don’t replace warm hands, hot mouths, and hotter kinky moments, but they can help you feel little less adrift until you can be together again.

And for the record, we were in a long distance relationship for 18 months before we moved in together, and many of these things sustained us between visits. It’s not easy to be apart – temporarily or all the time – but with effort and love, it can be bearable.

Okay, y’all, that’s it for me this week. Hopefully we’ll be hearing from John Brownstone soon. I know he’s got a few episode ideas and special shout out to the email we received with a topic idea for him to do.

Keep it kinky y’all, and we’ll see you next week!

 

Bad Behavior and Red Flags of Submissives LB026

Kayla Lords hosts episode 26 and instead of talking about how Dominants can get things very wrong, she takes on submissives and the red flags, poor behavior, and signs of misinformation that submissives can give off when trying to find a Dominant or have their own successful D/s relationship.

In this episode:

  • Kayla is looking for kinky patrons on Patreon!
  • Dominants aren’t the only ones who can get things very wrong in BDSM and D/s.
  • Submissives have their own share of red flags that stop a relationship from forming or ruin a potentially good one.
  • Having “no limits”
  • Submissives who claim they’ll “do anything”
  • Submitting to a stranger
  • Believing submissives have no responsibilities
  • Not following commands, completing tasks, or being obedient
  • Refusing to communicate or simply lying
  • Sometimes these aren’t red flags of a bad or uneducated submissive, they’re indications of problems. Communicate, communicate, communicate!

Links from the show:

Support Kayla on Patreon

Follow Kayla on Twitter

Stalk John Brownstone

Original post: 3 Things Submissives Do That Turn Off Dominants

Full Transcript:

You’re listening to Loving BDSM podcast: episode 26. Hey, everybody. Kayla Lords here. Today let’s discuss the things submissives get wrong when they’re looking for a Dominant or entering a relationship. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this is your first time listening, glad to have you! If you’re back for another week, welcome back! Loving BDSM is produced every Friday for your kinky pleasure and education and show notes are found at kaylalords.com. Come back often and feel free to add the podcast to your favorite RSS feed or iTunes. If you love what you hear, we’d love a good review on iTunes to help other kinksters find us! You can follow me on Twitter @KaylaLords or stalk John Brownstone at southernsirsplace.com. All links are in the show notes.

Quick reminder: I have a page on Patreon. Anyone who can and wants to support this podcast and show their love can make a monthly pledge for as little as $1 a month. Go a little higher and you get perks – including monthly videos of me talking about kink, sex, writing, you name it. You can stop at any time, and no worries, if you just can’t afford to do it or it’s not your thing, I still love you for listening to me each week.

Now, on to the show.

In episode 24, I talked about the signs and red flags of bad Dominants, and I promised to come back with something about what submissives get wrong. Well, here we are. I used a blog post I wrote in October 2015 and have added to it. Some of these things are things I’ve heard long-time, knowledgeable Dominants discuss. Others? Well, it’s observation and the belief that if something is wrong for a Dominant to do, than it’s wrong for a submissive to do, too.

So here goes. These are things that submissives do that send up red flags or can ruin a potential, new, or even established relationship.

Telling a Dominant You Have “No Limits”

Most Dominants I know are fairly sarcastic and willing to push your buttons. Their response to the “I have no limits” statement is wild laughter often followed by a dare. Will you let them shit on your face, pee down your throat, or cut you with a knife? For some people, that’s a kink, but for most of us, those are hard limits.

Telling a Dominant you have “no limits” is a red flag that you’re either too desperate for a relationship or you have a hell of a lot to learn. You don’t have to be full of bravado with a new Dominant. And it’s perfectly okay to say, “I don’t know” when asked about your limits. If that person is right for you, they’ll work to figure out your limits, stay within your current limits and only later, try to push your boundaries.

Promising a Dominant You’ll “Do Anything” For Them

I think most of us have said this to a Dominant at some point or another. I admit that I have – now, after years of knowing John Brownstone and understanding our mutual limits. When I say “anything,” he knows I mean anything within the confines of what we’re both okay with. But when you’ve just met someone, don’t say you’ll do anything. You have no idea what a Dominant might ask of you.

My Dominant friends usually ask (not seriously) if that particular submissive is willing to cut off their own finger for them. Be shocked, the answer is no. What you think “anything” means in terms of kink and D/s and what a Dominant thinks are probably two very different things. It’s another sign of desperation or a lack of education. Some Doms don’t mind teaching new submissives (many are willing, actually) but they’d like you to have a little common sense and a sense of self-preservation.

Submitting Too Soon

Some Dominants have a “test” for new-to-them submissives. They’ll command them to do something – pick up a napkin that fell on the floor, drop something, throw something, whatever. They’re usually looking for two things when they do this – the immediate urge to do what you’re told and the backbone to tell a new-to-you Dominant “No.”

Why should you refuse? Because this isn’t your Dominant, and they have zero right to command anything from you until it’s been discussed and agreed upon. Now, in fairness, this seems to happen in public or at the club when people first meet. If you’re on a date or you’re meeting someone in person for the first time, but you’ve already established a rapport or even a relationship online, this might not apply. But just because someone you met five minutes ago tries to order you around, doesn’t mean you’re required to do it.

Believing You Have No Responsibilities

However you choose to set up your D/s relationship is between y’all. It’s entirely possible that your Dominant wants nothing more than to cosset you and pamper you and never ask you to do anything outside of the kinky sex you both enjoy. That’s cool. You do you.

And no, I’m not talking about micromanaged Master/slave relationships where the Master makes every single solitary decision. That is a class all on it’s own, and not what I’m referring to. Although, I still believe even slaves have responsibilities – even if that responsibility is to always be available to their Master.

But for the vast majority of D/s relationships I’ve seen, submissives have a shit-ton of responsibilities. We do the tasks our Dominants specifically give us, we maintain our own life – whether that’s kids, work, taking care of other family members, you name it – and, by and large, we keep our Dominant’s needs firmly in our mind. A common trait among us is that we often want to take care of them before they ask – and no, I don’t mean just in household, domestic responsibilities, although there is a lot of that.

So what’s my point? Unless a Dominant knows they want someone who is there only to submit to their sexual desires but not serve in any other capacity or that they want to micromanage every detail of your life – including when to go to the bathroom, when to eat, what to eat, what to wear, when to speak, when to sleep…you get my point?, proclaiming that you – as a submissive – don’t want any responsibilities can be a big old red flag. Your relationship is about to tank or it’s never going to happen in the first place.

Not Doing as You’re Told

Okay, remember when I told you that it’s okay to push back when someone who isn’t your Dominant tries to order you around? Don’t ever forget that, but there’s another part of the equation – once you’re willing to play with a Dominant, go into a period of consideration with them, move your existing relationship into D/s, or commit to a Dominant – it’s time to do what you’re told.

Caveat! (Because there always is) I’m making the assumption that what you’re being told to do is something you talked about, discussed, and agreed to. Yes, you are allowed to withdraw your consent at any point, but if you haven’t stopped consenting, and you still want to be the submissive one in the relationship, it’s expected that you’re going to do what you’re told. And no, I don’t mean disobeying for funishment. Some Dominants like that and some Dominants don’t. John Brownstone might give me a playful and yet very painful swat on the ass for being a little too sassy but if I willfully disobey a direct order – and I still consent to his control – the punishment is going to suck. Corner time, removal of privileges, you name it.

If you’re being told to do something that truly bothers you or you reject on some level, you have a responsibility to discuss it with your Dominant. Simply deciding not to do something but consenting to the relationship without communication and re-negotiating the terms is a quick way to create problems in your relationship or end it.

Refusing to Communicate or Lying

If it’s bad for a Dominant to do it, it’s bad for a submissive to do it. Should you expect to be perfect all the time? Of course not. Is it hard to overcome years and years of never expressing your feelings, thoughts, or desires and start sharing them with your Dominant, especially if you fear disappointment? Absolutely. To me, it’s the most difficult thing about D/s in general, regardless of whether you’re a Dominant or submissive. But if you’re not at least willing to try, what are you doing in a D/s relationship?

Enjoying kinky sex is one thing. Committing to a power exchange relationship is another. It’s okay to only want the kinky sex and not want everything that goes with a D/s relationship outside of the bedroom. It’s also okay to think you want D/s and then realize you don’t (that goes for Dominants and submissives, by the way). It is not, however, okay to never speak up, say you want this relationship and then refuse to communicate, or worse, lie about what you’re doing, what you’re feeling, or anything else.

A lying submissive is one that will often get dropped fairly quickly by the more experienced Dominants. Just as you should expect honesty from your Dominant, they need to be able to expect it from you.

For anyone who finds communication difficult, my go-to solution is to write it down, instead. I know, some of y’all are thinking that’s easy for me to say since I write all the time. I’m not talking about something with good grammar, perfect spelling, and correct punctuation that you’re turning in for a grade. Just get the thoughts out on paper – or computer screen – and send them that way. I promise you, once you see your Dominant respond positively to your thoughts and feelings (even when those thoughts and feelings aren’t positive or good), it becomes easier to speak your mind.

Everyone is different, and maybe some of these red flags aren’t all that bad – or you did them, and it turned out fine. Good for you. But this isn’t the case for all submissives, and if you’re wondering where the decent Dominants are, keep these things in mind. Yeah, there are some really bad Dominants out there, but there are plenty of submissives who need to learn a few things, too.

Okay, that’s it for me this week! If you have any topic suggestions, ideas, questions, or whatever, feel free to reach out to either myself or John Brownstone. We really do respond to every email we receive. If we don’t respond, it’s because we didn’t get it or you sent a picture of your dick or tits or said something gross. Don’t say something gross, y’all.

Keep it kinky y’all, and we’ll see you next week!

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