LovingBDSM

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The 5 Love Languages: Book Review

What language do you speak?

Well, mostly, whatever language you grew up with or a combination of multiple languages.

What love language do you speak?

We have all heard the term “the language of love” yet many of us don’t know how to speak it. Yes, there is a language of love, and we all have one even if we don’t know what it is.

Book Review of 5 Love Languages

Keep Your Well Full

That is where the book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts by John Chapman comes in.

If you have ever had the desire to speak a new language this is the most important language to learn. Not only to help you understand yourself better but to understand the other person in your life. While the book is a short read, it is packed with so much useful information on how to speak your partners language.

You’ve probably heard us refer to how Kayla and I fill each other’s well along with comments I’ve made about how as a submissive that serves they need to have their wells filled to be able to continue serving. If a submissive serves and gets nothing in return eventually their well runs dry and they may not be able to serve. They start running on empty. Resentment can build.

The same goes for big D’s, being in charge is not always easy and even we need to have our wells filled in order to keep leading. This book gives you the information needed to not only fill that well but keep it full.

The 5 Love Languages

Gary Chapman goes into great detail on each of the five primary love languages spoken by us all and how to determine which language we speak. Knowing what we need to give our partner and learning how to give it to them goes a long way in keeping any relationship fulfilled. So what are the five love languages?

  • Affirmation
  • Receiving Gifts
  • Physical Touch
  • Acts of Service
  • Quality Time

Sometimes simple is better, and that is what this book is. While reading it, I had a number of ah-ha moments as I looked back at what I had done wrong in past relationships.

Understanding each other in your relationship is paramount. Add in D/s where communication is crucial makes this understanding even more important. We need to take the time to talk about our likes and dislikes, what we want from a kink relationship, and how we are going to achieve what we want. But there is also another level to it, and this book can help get you there.

Lets be honest, the kink side of a relationship is wonderful and fun, which it should be, Kink isn’t the main thing all the time, though. This book is a good guide for those times.

Want a copy?

Get it on Amazon (affiliate link) ♥ Barnes & Noble ♥ From your local library or a favorite retailer!

Check out episode 86 of the podcast where we discuss how the five love languages can relate to your D/s relationship.

Setting a Kinky Scene LB085

This week, we’re answering a listener question with more details than they actually asked for. The original question was about how to set up a scene. In our opinion, a scene is whatever you make it, so it doesn’t have to be elaborate or high protocol. For us, we call most of our scenes “playtime.”

In this episode:

  • Our sponsor this week is Ecstatic Relaxation with Vin Charles. He’s got a special offer just for Loving BDSM listeners!
  • Kinky Book Club is a real live thing!
  • Is there a difference between a scene and “playtime?”
  • Scenes can be rigid, filled with protocol, and elaborate…or not.
  • Playtime, for us, is whatever we do that’s kinky – with or without sex.
  • Some scenes are roleplay.
  • Mind fucks can be a scene.
  • Scenes or playtime all require communication and negotiation.
  • Knowing your partner’s limits before you plan the scene is important.
  • Talking about the details doesn’t take away the hotness.
  • Scenes can be as basic or as detailed as you want.
  • It’s important to go with the flow. Not all scenes will go as you imagined.
  • Be flexible, communicate, use safewords, and watch your partner.

Links from the Show:

Show sponsor: Ecstatic Relaxation <===Click for a special offer!

Kinky Book Club

4 Different Types of Kinky Scenes

Become a patron on Patreon

Support the show

Postcard Project

Subscribe on YouTube

Follow us on Instagram

Follow us Twitter

Message or friend us on Fetlife

Contact us!

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Listen to the show:

iTunes

Google Play

Spotify

Your favorite podcast app!

4 Different Types of Kinky Scenes

Kinky scenes are like labels – they mean something different to everyone. For us, a scene is just how we get kinky together. It could be some kinky fuckery in the bedroom or using equipment in our local BDSM dungeon. But your kinky scene could be something completely different – more elaborate, more well-planned, just…more.

For anyone wondering what a kinky scene can be – or how to make one happen – here are four different types of kinky scenes.

Playtime

Most of our scenes are what we call “playtime.” For us, this means that we take anywhere from a few minutes to an hour or more and get kinky. The floggers and paddles might be brought out. Sometimes it’s a bare-handed spanking. Playtime may or may not lead to sex. Forced orgasms, double penetration with dildos and vibrators, edged orgasms – depending on John Brownstone’s mood (or mine), playtime can be pure sex.

Playtime is rarely elaborate although it can be well-planned by a Dominant alone or together. When we play, it’s often based on a need one or both of us have (relieve tension, reconnect, etc.). It’s also something that we both find pleasurable that hits on one or more kinks – sadism and masochism, bondage, or orgasm control. It may or may not incorporate “dirty talk.”

Mind Fucks

The beauty of a mind fuck is that an entire “scene” can play out in the mind of a submissive with a just few words. The “scene” is what that submissive believes, makes themselves think, or how they react to the possibility of something that only entered their mind with a few words from a Dominant. Sometimes the mind fuck is what makes the scene seem real – “playing” with knives but no knife is present; believing you’ve been kidnapped when it’s really your partner.

I have had my mind fucked by John Brownstone while he cracked a belt next to my ear and stood over me (loomed is more like it) in a clothed male, naked female (CMNF) scene. He never touched me and said very little. The scene was my belief (and fear) that I was about to be spanked with a belt. By the time he was done, I was a quivering mess and very compliant with whatever he wanted. That night, all he wanted was me to remember who owned me and lots of cuddles.

Roleplay

I’m not a huge fan of roleplay. I didn’t like it in school when we had to do weird group work. I hated it in the corporate world where it was the favorite trick of trainers and consultants to make employees practice a new concept or technique. It’s just not for me, but it’s extremely popular for many kinksters. You and your partner take on a role that you find sexy or fun – teacher/student, cop/criminal, pirate/kidnapped wench, mermaid/sailor – and you act out a scene within those roles.

Like anything else we do in kink, it often features a power exchange of sorts, but it can easily be turned on its head. Maybe the criminal corrupts the good cop. Maybe the sailor ravishes the mermaid instead of falls into her trap. You just never know. For people who enjoy it, it can be a sexy way to play pretend. You can make it as elaborate as you want – some people have costumes, use accents, and behave completely different than their typical selves.

Consensual Non-consent

Consensual non-consent is a controversial topic in the world of kink. Can you really consent to give up consent? Should you? That’s a personal decision we have to make on our own. I’m not going to lecture anyone who wants to be “kidnapped and raped” as part of an elaborate scene. Submissives should, however, only do this kind of scene with someone you trust completely and who will stop if things go too far. This isn’t the first scene you should have with a new partner, m’kay?

The most important part of this scene is to negotiate it first. Will other people be involved in the scene? Will you have a safeword or signal? What will you allow in the scene and what isn’t okay? There should also be a serious conversation about triggers and past abuse or problems. This isn’t the time to hide something that, if triggered, could cause real mental and emotional damage. Don’t worry that these discussions will somehow ruin the effect. If the top/Dominant adds in a few good mind fucks, it will likely feel real enough.

It doesn’t matter what you call the moment you and your partner decide to get kinky. Call it a scene, call it playtime, or call it how you have sex. What does matter is that you negotiate what it will look like, talk about your limits, set up parameters, and stay safe.

Okay, so we know these aren’t the only types of scenes out there. Feel free to share what kind of scene you love! In episode 85 of the podcast, we talk about setting a kinky scene. Check it out for more info!

Navigating a Long Distance D/s Relationship Part 2 LB084

In episode 84, we’re talking about how to make a long distance D/s relationship actually work. What you can do, how you handle the distance, and all the rest that can make LDRs so difficult.

In this episode:

  • Simpatic.US is our sponsor this week! Save 25 percent off with code LovingBDSM10!
  • Announcements:
    • The website and forum should be up and running again. If you get error messages when you log in, let us know.
    • Loving BDSM merchandise is going to be a thing very soon.
    • The benefits of being a paying member are starting to come online so go ahead and sign up at a higher level to get access to exclusive video content.
    • Kinky Book Club is going to be a thing! As soon as we have details, we’ll let you know. All members will have access to participate.
    • Want to support the show and this thing we do – and help me not freak out about money? Buy us a virtual coffee!
  • You’ve found each other and decided this might be real. Now what?
  • Look for and set up rituals, tasks, and things that aren’t sexual for your relationship
  • Let’s talk kinky fuckery in your long distance relationship.
  • Be safe on the first meeting.
  • Making time and plans for visits is extremely important.
  • Set a routine for your communication and stick to it – yes, we said this last episode, but it’s important so we’re repeating it
  • How do you take it from a long distance thing to an in real life thing?

Links from the Show:

8 Non-Sexual Things You Can Do In Your Long Distance D/s Relationship

Review of Simpatic

Show sponsor: Simpatic.US (use code LovingBDSM10 for 25% off!)

Become a patron on Patreon

Support the show

Postcard Project

Subscribe on YouTube

Follow us on Instagram

Follow us Twitter

Message or friend us on Fetlife

Contact us!

Sign up for our newsletter

Listen to the show:

iTunes

Google Play

Spotify

Your favorite podcast app!

8 Non-Sexual Things You Can Do in Your Long Distance D/s Relationship

When you think of how you connect to your partner from across a distance, are you thinking of the sexy stuff like masturbating together or begging for permission to orgasm? Yeah, that stuff is fun – and definitely helps keep your long distance D/s relationship going, but it’s not all you can do.

To connect with each other outside of the sexy fun stuff, it helps to find ways to feel your Dominant or submissive self in the mundane, vanilla parts of life, too. We’ve got a few ideas of things to try, tasks to assign, and rituals to create to help you feel closer to each other – and none of them are sexual.

Send Good Morning/Night Messages

Part of making a D/s LDR work is creating and sticking to a routine. Messaging each other first thing in the morning and last thing at night is a good way to let the other know you’re thinking about them. It also lets you connect even if your schedule is hectic and you can’t talk. An email, a private message on social, or a text message can be read at any point. What matters is when you send it.

Set a Mantra

Mantras are good for changing how you feel about things – yourself, life, you name it. Your mantra is something you say at a specific time each day (when you wake up, when you look in the mirror, before bed, etc.) that has meaning to you. It can be something that helps with self esteem (I am beautiful. I am loved. I am worthy of love. – That was mine for a long time). Maybe it’s something to help you remember who you belong to (I belong to my Dominant. I am their good girl/boy.)

Choose Clothes

When we were long distance, John Brownstone picked my panties every day. Okay, so the picture I sent of him might have been a little sexual, but not necessarily. Him picking my panties became part of our routine and I felt closer to him all day because of it. Find what works for you. Does your Dominant have say over what shoes you’ll wear? Whether you wear pants or shorts? What new clothing you can buy for yourself?

Health and Fitness

In LDRs, most of what you do is based on the trust you’ve placed in each other. If you agree that your Dominant is in charge of whether you get to have dessert or when you go to the gym, it only works if those rules are followed. I used to text whenever I got to the gym and then left, sometimes sending a picture. I asked if I could have dessert, especially if it was decadent.

Ask to Go to Bed

This works best if you’ve got a pretty established routine and your schedules match up – maybe not the hours but when you’re available to talk to each other. Part of your nightly ritual can be permission to lay down in bed. Clearly, you’re going to bed no matter what, but having to ask can help you get into a submissive mindset.

Read a Bedtime Story Together

Okay, maybe this is our Daddy Dom/babygirl showing, but you can read together over the phone. Your Dominant can read something to you as part of your nightly routine. Or, if they really love your voice (rawr!), maybe they’ll ask you to read to them. John Brownstone almost always listens in when I read bedtime stories to the kids, and it’s not just because the book is good.

Research Kinks

You’re thinking this is kind of sexual because hello, it’s a kink, right? Not quite. When we first got together there was a lot I didn’t know about kinks and fetishes. From time to time, I would be assigned a “research project” where I had to look up a kink or a toy that I was interested in, and then share what I’d learned with John Brownstone. Sometimes it was educational for him, too.

Set Reminders for Each Other

This is another one that only works if your schedules match up well and you can be in near-constant contact. Remind your Dominant when they need to take medicine (something not too serious, like your vitamins, maybe not your blood pressure medicine). Get a reminder to call the vet or your dentist to set an appointment. Help each other remember the small important details.

These are just some ideas, y’all. Some of this will work, some of it won’t. All we want to do is spark your imagination a little and help you think outside of the box. Sure, most of what we do in D/s does seem pretty kinky and sexual, but if you can find joy and purpose in the non-sexual, you’ll build a much stronger relationship together.

Want more information about long distance D/s relationships? Check out these three podcast episodes:

Navigating Long Distance D/s Relationships Part 1

Navigating Long Distance D/s Relationships Part 2

Transitioning from Long Distance D/s to In Person D/s

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