The Loving BDSM Podcast

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How to Reconnect In Your D/s Relationship LB028

Kayla Lords hosts episode 28 and discusses the big and small ways you can reconnect in your D/s relationship whether you’ve been apart for a while or your routine has been thrown off for any reason.

In this episode:

  • Kayla is looking for kinky patrons!
  • You may need to reconnect with your kinky partner for a variety of reasons: being apart, recovering from illness, working different shifts, or just falling into a routine and rut.
  • There are small and big ways John Brownstone and Kayla Lords use to reconnect.
  • Getting back to assigned tasks and expectations
  • Get naked together – but not always in a sexual way
  • Mutual orgasms
  • A show of Dominance
  • Deep communication
  • Making time for kinky fuckery
  • Finding what helps you reconnect and stay connected isn’t something you do once and forget about. It’s a daily thing and will help keep a D/s relationship centered when life gets stressful.

Links from the show:

Support Kayla on Patreon

Follow Kayla on Twitter

Stalk John Brownstone

Getting Into a Rut…and Getting Out of It

Keeping It Kinky While We’re Apart

Using Our D/s Relationship to Get Through Stress

Contact John Brownstone

Contact Kayla Lords

Full Transcript:

You’re listening to Loving BDSM podcast: episode 28. Hey, everybody. Kayla Lords here. Today let’s talk about small and big ways to reconnect in your D/s relationship. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this is your first time listening, glad to have you! If you’re back for another week, welcome back! Loving BDSM is produced every Friday for your kinky pleasure and education and show notes are found at kaylalords.com. Come back often and feel free to add the podcast to your favorite RSS feed or iTunes. If you love what you hear, we’d love a good review on iTunes to help other kinksters find us! You can follow me on Twitter @KaylaLords or stalk John Brownstone at southernsirsplace.com. All links are in the show notes.

Don’t forget that I’m now on Patreon, looking for kinky patrons to help me keep the podcast and my writing going. Anyone who can and wants to show their love can make a monthly pledge for as little as $1 a month. Go a little higher and you get perks – including monthly videos of me talking about kink, sex, writing, you name it. Your support will help me upgrade the equipment I use, have more time to create more episodes, and even make the podcast ad-free. You can stop at any time, and no worries, if you just can’t afford to do it or it’s not your thing, I still love you for listening to me each week.

Okay, let’s get to the show.

If you listened to last week’s episode, you know that I traveled for a week – without John Brownstone. While we had different ways to stay connected while we were apart, we still needed to reconnect again when I came home. But really, reconnections are necessary for a bunch of different reasons:

You’ve been working opposite shifts and you finally have a day or two together.

One of you was sick and so nothing kinky was happening at all.

You’ve been apart for any reason and now you’re together again.

Hell, maybe you just got into a routine and a rut – something I’ve touched on before – and you want to get that kinky, loving feeling back.

Whatever your reasons, you need to reconnect. So I don’t have a magic cure for taking your relationship – or my own – from boring, vanilla, routine, haven’t been kinky in a while to getting your kink on. But I can tell you what John Brownstone and I do. It’s a combination of little things and big things.

When I came home from my trip, I was a wreck – the driving, the stress, the pure exhaustion from a week of helping my mom. Daddy tucked me into bed almost as soon as I came home, but the next night, I was ready to be back to our normal routines.

For me, that meant getting back to my tasks as quickly as possible. Making his coffee, getting his lunch ready, and at the end of the day, kneeling for him. If you have tasks that you haven’t been able to do or for whatever reason weren’t doing, get back to basics.

The next thing we do to reconnect is to get naked together as often as possible. Now, in case you wondered, it’s not always sexual. When we need to reconnect a little and just…BE…we take a shower together. We might get a little playful in there but knowing the kids are just a few rooms over keeps us on our best behavior. It’s a pretty intimate thing to wash another person’s back or lean into them while they’re standing in the water.

Of course, there’s nakedness due to sex. When your relationship is a loving, sexual one, mutual orgasms are always a good way to bring you closer together.

John Brownstone has his own methods to reconnect on a kinky level. Every morning before he leaves for work, he kisses me good bye. Sometimes those kisses are soft, sweet, and loving, and other times, he adds a bit of spice. He might pull my hair and hold my head back. He may pinch my nipples. He may reach down and play with my clit until I’m whimpering. Either way, when he leaves for work, I know exactly who’s in charge and how wanted I am.

Those are just some of the small things. Let’s get into the big stuff, and for us, there’s not much, but it definitely works.

We talk. Doesn’t sound like much, does it? We’re not talking about the weather. These are deep, meaningful conversations about life goals, where we’re headed together and as individuals, what we want to accomplish this week, this month, this year, and beyond. Some of it’s about kink, sure, but some of it’s just life. It’s easy for life to get in the way – whether you’re together or apart – and not have time to talk about your goals and dreams. Sometimes those conversations happen organically and sometimes you have to say, “Hey, want to go get a coffee and just talk?”

The other big thing we do is make time for some major kinky fuckery. Yes, make time. I managed to bat my big brown eyes in the exact right way to convince Daddy not to go to work the other day. Thankfully he has vacation and sick time built up that he can use. He went to an appointment he’d already set for the day, came home, and spanked my ass until my skin was on fire – bruises are forming at this very moment, ate me out, made me suck his cock, and fucked me until we were both boneless. The added bit of kink? Our bedroom window was open, and our neighbors like to sit on their back porch – I couldn’t make a sound. Holy hell, it was hot. And for the rest of the day and even now, I’ve been loose, relaxed, and able to handle whatever is going on with my sense of humor in tact.

It might not sound like much but sometimes it’s the smallest things or even the most basic things that can help us reconnect and get back to our kinky center. Which is sort of the point. You have to be mindful of the ways you can connect with your partner, in good but boring times, and when life gets stressful. Doing so will help you both mindful of your relationship.

Okay, that’s it for me this week. I have a more indepth episode coming soon – thanks to a suggestion from a listener. If you’ve got questions or suggestions for episodes, feel free to contact me or John Brownstone directly.

Keep it kinky y’all, and we’ll see you next week.

Maintaining Your D/s Connection Even When Apart LB027

This week, Kayla Lords is separated from John Brownstone by 600+ miles, and for six days, it’s back to the way things were in the long distance days. In episode 27, Kayla discusses how they stay connected while apart – things you can do whether it’s a temporary distance or during your long distance D/s relationship.

In this episode:

  • John and Kayla are separated for a week, so they’re reverting back to their long distance days to stay connected.
  • Scheduled phone calls
  • Constant texting – and sexting.
  • Creating different routines or modifying the existing ones.
  • Asking permission for treats.
  • Special assigned tasks.

Links from the show:

Support Kayla on Patreon

Follow Kayla on Twitter

Stalk John Brownstone

Full Transcript:

You’re listening to Loving BDSM podcast: episode 27. Hey, everybody. Kayla Lords here. Today let’s talk about what you can do to feel connected when you’ve got miles between you. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this is your first time listening, glad to have you! If you’re back for another week, welcome back! Loving BDSM is produced every Friday for your kinky pleasure and education and show notes are found at kaylalords.com. Come back often and feel free to add the podcast to your favorite RSS feed or iTunes. If you love what you hear, we’d love a good review on iTunes to help other kinksters find us! You can follow me on Twitter @KaylaLords or stalk John Brownstone at southernsirsplace.com. All links are in the show notes.

Don’t forget that I’m now on Patreon, looking for kinky patrons to help me keep the podcast and my writing going. Anyone who can and wants to show their love can make a monthly pledge for as little as $1 a month. Go a little higher and you get perks – including monthly videos of me talking about kink, sex, writing, you name it. You can stop at any time, and no worries, if you just can’t afford to do it or it’s not your thing, I still love you for listening to me each week.

Now, on to the show.

I’m going to do my damnedest to keep this week’s show brief. I’m in the middle of traveling – without John Brownstone – and am spending the week with my mother who just had surgery. No worries, she’ll be fine, but as an only child who only has my mother left – my dad died when I was 22 – when my mother needs me, I come running. This was one of those moments.

It’s also the longest Daddy and I have been apart since we moved in together nearly two years ago. Weird.

So for anyone who’s in a long distance D/s relationship or unexpectedly finds themselves having to travel without their kinky partner, here’s a list of what we do to feel connected even when we’re apart:

He picks out my panties before I pack. He may or may not request a picture, but back in the day, he picked them out for me each morning (via text message), and I used to send him a picture every day so he could see me in the ones he chose.

We schedule times to talk, and those times are sacrosanct. Sure, real life may get in the way, but dead phones and car accidents are the only real excuses we accept. For us, it’s when he’s on his way to work, during his lunch break, and then right before bed.

Constant texting, and most of it is kinky and sexual. We play out entire fantasies from the keyboards on our phones.

We talk about the other to anyone who will listen. I’m sure for my family it gets old. I’m past the point of caring. When I talk about him, I’m also thinking about how much I love him, and that makes me happy.

He assigns special tasks. Go to the bathroom and masturbate. Send me a picture of your boobs. Wear pigtails in your hair just for me. Nothing that would get me arrested or make my family have me committed, but things that remind me who’s in charge.

I ask permission for special treats. Sure, going out of town means some of the rules relax a little. They sort of have to, but when I need to feel connected, I’ll send him a message asking if I can have a margarita with my friend, order the chocolate cake for dessert, or buy the book I really want. He often says yes, but sometimes he says no. All of it gives me a thrill.

Maintaining the rituals we can. When we’re apart, I can’t kneel on the bed and wait for him to spank me and then give me permission to come to bed. But I can call him and ask for permission to go to bed, instead. That will often lead to a masturbation session and a few good orgasms.

When you’re away from your kinky partner, whether you’re the Dominant or the submissive, it’s really hard. The rituals and methods to stay connected don’t replace warm hands, hot mouths, and hotter kinky moments, but they can help you feel little less adrift until you can be together again.

And for the record, we were in a long distance relationship for 18 months before we moved in together, and many of these things sustained us between visits. It’s not easy to be apart – temporarily or all the time – but with effort and love, it can be bearable.

Okay, y’all, that’s it for me this week. Hopefully we’ll be hearing from John Brownstone soon. I know he’s got a few episode ideas and special shout out to the email we received with a topic idea for him to do.

Keep it kinky y’all, and we’ll see you next week!


Bad Behavior and Red Flags of Submissives LB026

Kayla Lords hosts episode 26 and instead of talking about how Dominants can get things very wrong, she takes on submissives and the red flags, poor behavior, and signs of misinformation that submissives can give off when trying to find a Dominant or have their own successful D/s relationship.

In this episode:

  • Kayla is looking for kinky patrons on Patreon!
  • Dominants aren’t the only ones who can get things very wrong in BDSM and D/s.
  • Submissives have their own share of red flags that stop a relationship from forming or ruin a potentially good one.
  • Having “no limits”
  • Submissives who claim they’ll “do anything”
  • Submitting to a stranger
  • Believing submissives have no responsibilities
  • Not following commands, completing tasks, or being obedient
  • Refusing to communicate or simply lying
  • Sometimes these aren’t red flags of a bad or uneducated submissive, they’re indications of problems. Communicate, communicate, communicate!

Links from the show:

Support Kayla on Patreon

Follow Kayla on Twitter

Stalk John Brownstone

Original post: 3 Things Submissives Do That Turn Off Dominants

Full Transcript:

You’re listening to Loving BDSM podcast: episode 26. Hey, everybody. Kayla Lords here. Today let’s discuss the things submissives get wrong when they’re looking for a Dominant or entering a relationship. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this is your first time listening, glad to have you! If you’re back for another week, welcome back! Loving BDSM is produced every Friday for your kinky pleasure and education and show notes are found at kaylalords.com. Come back often and feel free to add the podcast to your favorite RSS feed or iTunes. If you love what you hear, we’d love a good review on iTunes to help other kinksters find us! You can follow me on Twitter @KaylaLords or stalk John Brownstone at southernsirsplace.com. All links are in the show notes.

Quick reminder: I have a page on Patreon. Anyone who can and wants to support this podcast and show their love can make a monthly pledge for as little as $1 a month. Go a little higher and you get perks – including monthly videos of me talking about kink, sex, writing, you name it. You can stop at any time, and no worries, if you just can’t afford to do it or it’s not your thing, I still love you for listening to me each week.

Now, on to the show.

In episode 24, I talked about the signs and red flags of bad Dominants, and I promised to come back with something about what submissives get wrong. Well, here we are. I used a blog post I wrote in October 2015 and have added to it. Some of these things are things I’ve heard long-time, knowledgeable Dominants discuss. Others? Well, it’s observation and the belief that if something is wrong for a Dominant to do, than it’s wrong for a submissive to do, too.

So here goes. These are things that submissives do that send up red flags or can ruin a potential, new, or even established relationship.

Telling a Dominant You Have “No Limits”

Most Dominants I know are fairly sarcastic and willing to push your buttons. Their response to the “I have no limits” statement is wild laughter often followed by a dare. Will you let them shit on your face, pee down your throat, or cut you with a knife? For some people, that’s a kink, but for most of us, those are hard limits.

Telling a Dominant you have “no limits” is a red flag that you’re either too desperate for a relationship or you have a hell of a lot to learn. You don’t have to be full of bravado with a new Dominant. And it’s perfectly okay to say, “I don’t know” when asked about your limits. If that person is right for you, they’ll work to figure out your limits, stay within your current limits and only later, try to push your boundaries.

Promising a Dominant You’ll “Do Anything” For Them

I think most of us have said this to a Dominant at some point or another. I admit that I have – now, after years of knowing John Brownstone and understanding our mutual limits. When I say “anything,” he knows I mean anything within the confines of what we’re both okay with. But when you’ve just met someone, don’t say you’ll do anything. You have no idea what a Dominant might ask of you.

My Dominant friends usually ask (not seriously) if that particular submissive is willing to cut off their own finger for them. Be shocked, the answer is no. What you think “anything” means in terms of kink and D/s and what a Dominant thinks are probably two very different things. It’s another sign of desperation or a lack of education. Some Doms don’t mind teaching new submissives (many are willing, actually) but they’d like you to have a little common sense and a sense of self-preservation.

Submitting Too Soon

Some Dominants have a “test” for new-to-them submissives. They’ll command them to do something – pick up a napkin that fell on the floor, drop something, throw something, whatever. They’re usually looking for two things when they do this – the immediate urge to do what you’re told and the backbone to tell a new-to-you Dominant “No.”

Why should you refuse? Because this isn’t your Dominant, and they have zero right to command anything from you until it’s been discussed and agreed upon. Now, in fairness, this seems to happen in public or at the club when people first meet. If you’re on a date or you’re meeting someone in person for the first time, but you’ve already established a rapport or even a relationship online, this might not apply. But just because someone you met five minutes ago tries to order you around, doesn’t mean you’re required to do it.

Believing You Have No Responsibilities

However you choose to set up your D/s relationship is between y’all. It’s entirely possible that your Dominant wants nothing more than to cosset you and pamper you and never ask you to do anything outside of the kinky sex you both enjoy. That’s cool. You do you.

And no, I’m not talking about micromanaged Master/slave relationships where the Master makes every single solitary decision. That is a class all on it’s own, and not what I’m referring to. Although, I still believe even slaves have responsibilities – even if that responsibility is to always be available to their Master.

But for the vast majority of D/s relationships I’ve seen, submissives have a shit-ton of responsibilities. We do the tasks our Dominants specifically give us, we maintain our own life – whether that’s kids, work, taking care of other family members, you name it – and, by and large, we keep our Dominant’s needs firmly in our mind. A common trait among us is that we often want to take care of them before they ask – and no, I don’t mean just in household, domestic responsibilities, although there is a lot of that.

So what’s my point? Unless a Dominant knows they want someone who is there only to submit to their sexual desires but not serve in any other capacity or that they want to micromanage every detail of your life – including when to go to the bathroom, when to eat, what to eat, what to wear, when to speak, when to sleep…you get my point?, proclaiming that you – as a submissive – don’t want any responsibilities can be a big old red flag. Your relationship is about to tank or it’s never going to happen in the first place.

Not Doing as You’re Told

Okay, remember when I told you that it’s okay to push back when someone who isn’t your Dominant tries to order you around? Don’t ever forget that, but there’s another part of the equation – once you’re willing to play with a Dominant, go into a period of consideration with them, move your existing relationship into D/s, or commit to a Dominant – it’s time to do what you’re told.

Caveat! (Because there always is) I’m making the assumption that what you’re being told to do is something you talked about, discussed, and agreed to. Yes, you are allowed to withdraw your consent at any point, but if you haven’t stopped consenting, and you still want to be the submissive one in the relationship, it’s expected that you’re going to do what you’re told. And no, I don’t mean disobeying for funishment. Some Dominants like that and some Dominants don’t. John Brownstone might give me a playful and yet very painful swat on the ass for being a little too sassy but if I willfully disobey a direct order – and I still consent to his control – the punishment is going to suck. Corner time, removal of privileges, you name it.

If you’re being told to do something that truly bothers you or you reject on some level, you have a responsibility to discuss it with your Dominant. Simply deciding not to do something but consenting to the relationship without communication and re-negotiating the terms is a quick way to create problems in your relationship or end it.

Refusing to Communicate or Lying

If it’s bad for a Dominant to do it, it’s bad for a submissive to do it. Should you expect to be perfect all the time? Of course not. Is it hard to overcome years and years of never expressing your feelings, thoughts, or desires and start sharing them with your Dominant, especially if you fear disappointment? Absolutely. To me, it’s the most difficult thing about D/s in general, regardless of whether you’re a Dominant or submissive. But if you’re not at least willing to try, what are you doing in a D/s relationship?

Enjoying kinky sex is one thing. Committing to a power exchange relationship is another. It’s okay to only want the kinky sex and not want everything that goes with a D/s relationship outside of the bedroom. It’s also okay to think you want D/s and then realize you don’t (that goes for Dominants and submissives, by the way). It is not, however, okay to never speak up, say you want this relationship and then refuse to communicate, or worse, lie about what you’re doing, what you’re feeling, or anything else.

A lying submissive is one that will often get dropped fairly quickly by the more experienced Dominants. Just as you should expect honesty from your Dominant, they need to be able to expect it from you.

For anyone who finds communication difficult, my go-to solution is to write it down, instead. I know, some of y’all are thinking that’s easy for me to say since I write all the time. I’m not talking about something with good grammar, perfect spelling, and correct punctuation that you’re turning in for a grade. Just get the thoughts out on paper – or computer screen – and send them that way. I promise you, once you see your Dominant respond positively to your thoughts and feelings (even when those thoughts and feelings aren’t positive or good), it becomes easier to speak your mind.

Everyone is different, and maybe some of these red flags aren’t all that bad – or you did them, and it turned out fine. Good for you. But this isn’t the case for all submissives, and if you’re wondering where the decent Dominants are, keep these things in mind. Yeah, there are some really bad Dominants out there, but there are plenty of submissives who need to learn a few things, too.

Okay, that’s it for me this week! If you have any topic suggestions, ideas, questions, or whatever, feel free to reach out to either myself or John Brownstone. We really do respond to every email we receive. If we don’t respond, it’s because we didn’t get it or you sent a picture of your dick or tits or said something gross. Don’t say something gross, y’all.

Keep it kinky y’all, and we’ll see you next week!

Disagreements and Arguments in D/s Relationships LB025

Welcome to episode 25 of the Loving BDSM podcast. This week’s show is hosted by Kayla Lords, and she’s discussing disagreements and arguments in D/s relationships.

In this episode:

  • Arguments and disagreements are completely normal.
  • It doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed.
  • It doesn’t mean you’re not a good submissive or a good Dominant.
  • Kayla believes there are three “truths” to most arguments in a D/s relationship.
  • 24/7 D/s relationships will likely handle their arguments and disagreements much differently than bedroom only D/s and even Master/slave relationships.
  • Both submissives and Dominants will react differently to arguments and disagreements. The key is communication.
  • If something doesn’t work for you in your D/s relationship, you need to talk about it with each other.

Links from the show:

Support Kayla on Patreon

Follow Kayla on Twitter

Stalk John Brownstone

Full Transcript:

You’re listening to Loving BDSM podcast: episode 25. Hey, everybody. Kayla Lords here. Today let’s discuss arguments in a D/s relationship. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this is your first time listening, glad to have you! If you’re back for another week, welcome back! Loving BDSM is produced every Friday for your kinky pleasure and education and show notes are found at kaylalords.com. Come back often and feel free to add the podcast to your favorite RSS feed or iTunes. If you love what you hear, we’d love a good review on iTunes to help other kinksters find us! You can follow me on Twitter @KaylaLords or stalk John Brownstone at southernsirsplace.com. All links are in the show notes.

Quick announcement: I’ve set up a page on Patreon to allow anyone who can and wants to to help support this podcast and my kinky writings. You can pay as little as one dollar a month to help keep this thing John Brownstone and I are doing here going. Ultimately I want to keep all of my content available for free and even become ad-free. Your support will help me do that. The link is in this show notes or go to www dot patreon dot com slash Kayla Lords. I even added a video of me begging for your help. If nothing else, go check me out on video and get proof that I’m a real live person.

Now, on to the show.

The other day John Brownstone and I got into a heated discussion that bordered on an argument. He shut me down with a word or two, and while my babygirl feelings were a little hurt – don’t worry, we talked it out later – I also realized it’s nothing that happens very often or that is talked about much.

Arguments in a D/s relationship are perfectly normal. I know in some relationships they’re rare – like my own – but they definitely happen.

So let’s get that out of the way – yes, you can get into an argument with one another even if you’re D/s. No, it doesn’t automatically mean your relationship is doomed or that you’re failing at D/s.

Submissives aren’t robots. We have thoughts, emotions, and opinions. And sometimes they aren’t going to line up perfectly with our Dominant’s thoughts, emotions, and opinions.

For the submissive’s out there, no you’re not a freak if you get into a fight with your Dom. For the Dominants, yes it’s normal and it doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve lost control or your submissive isn’t a quote real submissive.

It takes much more than the occasional argument to spell trouble for any relationship and that’s a different conversation for another day (ohhh, topic idea!). Today, I’m referring to everyday normal old arguments.

What I do think is unique – or can be unique – to a D/s relationship is how arguments are handled. I have to imagine that if you do D/s as bedroom only that this won’t necessarily ring true, but God knows I could be wrong. From my perspective, 24/7 lends itself to certain truths about arguments:

One – arguments can and will occur, even if they don’t sound like what you’re used to.

Two – when a Dominant says, “Stop” or “This is over” how a submissive reacts comes down to trust and possibly obedience.

Three – when everyone is calm, a submissive’s viewpoint should be allowed to be heard, even if the outcome of the discussion doesn’t change.

Okay, so what do those quote truths looks like?

John Brownstone and I had our first fight over money. Ugh, the money fight – it’s definitely not unique to anyone flavor of relationship. We were both saying the same thing – let’s save our money, plan for the things we want, and move slowly. But we were saying it differently. I was willing to do all of that but I wanted assurances that, if possible, we wouldn’t have to be so strict about it. He was concerned that my need for an easing of the restrictions meant I was going to go nuts with the money and send us both to the poorhouse.

Basically, we weren’t communicating very well with one another – which in all honesty is at the root of most of the arguments any of us have in any relationship. By the end, I was crying and on the verge of yelling, and he was losing patience.

He went into full Dom mode (light on the Daddy part) and in a firm (my babygirl self would say mean) voice told me to stop talking and that the discussion was over.

We had worked ourselves up and stressed ourselves out with no real solution – in that case, there wasn’t one because we essentially agreed on the outcome just not on the process of dealing with our money. But it could have been about anything – where to eat, what to buy, who’s family to visit at Christmas.

Because of the nature of our relationship, because I’m willing to submit to him in all facets of our personal life, when he said to stop talking and to give him a moment to himself, if I’d done anything different, I wouldn’t have been honoring my agreement and obedience as his submissive.

I won’t lie to you. It wasn’t easy. It still isn’t when it happens. I’m wired to want to keep hammering away at my point until I wear the other person down. In more vanilla encounters, they’ll either walk away or agree with me to get me to shut up.

It doesn’t work that way in D/s. The Dominant is The Decider. If the conversation is over, it’s over. My trust in him is what allows me to stay obedient. I have consented to his control and sometimes that control comes in the form of “No” and “stop” and “I don’t like what you’re doing.”

That kind of control isn’t for everyone, and that’s okay, too. When we think of D/s – especially 24/7 – most people think of all the kinky sex and the titles and maybe even collars. It’s supposed to be about kneeling and desire and physical release. And it is all of that.

But there are also differing opinions, disagreements, and raised voices. It’s just the nature of people interacting with one another. We aren’t always going to agree. I have enough faith in him to know that the decisions he makes are done with the best intentions and that he’s not going to do anything to purposefully harm me, so not getting my way in an argument isn’t going to be the end of the world and, in the long run, will probably work out for the best.

He’s humble and honest enough to admit when his way didn’t work and to try something different, even if he didn’t completely agree with me in our original discussion. Knowing he can and will do this makes it easier to submit when he abruptly ends an argument or makes a decision I don’t agree with.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m going to want to talk about it later – when we’re both calm and have a bit of perspective on the situation. If my feelings were hurt, I need to let him know. Not that I expect apologies, but I need to know I shared my feelings and didn’t let them fester. Sometimes, he does apologize – for making me feel bad, not for his decision. Sometimes, like the most recent argument, he points out where I was wrong, and I apologize.

We’re all different. So some submissives aren’t going to acquiesce easily. And others will. Some will be afraid to speak up when they disagree and others won’t. Some don’t share their opinions easily and others will let you know what they think about any and every situation.

I’m not even going to try and tell you how to handle your arguments. The big stuff may be too big to allow your dynamic to lead, and in other cases, it may be your dynamic that gets you through the worst fights. We all have to find our own path and our method.

What I will say is that arguments are normal, and if you have the kind of relationship where the Dominant gets the final say, be prepared to have that tested. It’s not going to be easy, and sometimes a Dominant has to come back and admit they were wrong. To me, that builds trust. Admitting when you were wrong means you don’t think you’re perfect. It also lets me know you might listen to me the next time a similar argument comes up.

No matter how well you prepare – through negotiation and communication – for how you’ll handle disagreements, the first one is going to throw you off. Tears (from me) and slammed doors (from him) are what I remember most about our first argument.

But I also remember talking it out, me learning to accept his decision because I’d consented to that level of power exchange, and then, of course, making up is the best part.

If you start out with the dynamic of the Dominant having full control over everything and find that it’s too difficult or one or both of you are uncomfortable in those roles, you should talk it out and renegotiate something that works best for both of you. But don’t let one disagreement or fight scare you off, either. Every part of D/s – good and bad – require time to find the right fit and what works for everyone involved.

Keep it kinky y’all and we’ll see you next week.

Signs and Red Flags of a Bad Dominant LB024

Kayla Lords hosts this week’s episode and discusses the common signs and red flags of a bad Dominant, when it’s abuse and not D/s, and what you can do if you find yourself in a bad D/s relationship.

In this episode:

  • Kayla’s back in good health and ready to rant. This week is based on a question she answered for Submissive Guide where every line was a red flag of a bad Dominant.
  • This week’s episode is based off a popular post written in 2015 along the same lines.
  • Not trying to bash all Dominants and a similar episode about red flags and submissives is coming soon.
  • This list geared towards male Dominants but if bad female Dominants have their own red flags or do any of these things, Kayla wants to know.
  • What are those red flags?
  • Demanding a title not earned.
  • Introducing himself with a dick pic or orders to be obeyed.
  • Sending unsolicited instructions.
  • Ignoring hard limits.
  • Ignoring safewords.
  • Lying.
  • Thinking only of his own pleasure, never yours.
  • Making you feel bad about yourself.
  • Isolating you from friends and family.
  • Telling you you’re not a real submissive because you have your own opinions, don’t agree, etc.
  • Requiring that you research and learn how to be a “true” submissive on your own.
  • Some red flags are clear signs of abuse and even rape.
  • Ignore the idiots online, report online harassment, and unfriend and block anyone you don’t want to deal with.
  • In person, get out of a bad relationship. Get help if you need it (links to domestic violence information in the reference link section).
  • It’s better to be alone than in a bad relationship – regardless of flavor.

Links from the show:

Are Dominants Supposed to Act This Way – Submissive Guide

Top 10 Signs He’s an Asshole, Not a Dominant

Porn Star Stoya Accuses Her Ex-Boyfriend James Dean of Rape – Jezebel

National Domestic Violence Hotline (U.S)

National Domestic Violence Hotline (UK)

Sub Frenzy – Submissive Guide

Follow Kayla on Twitter

Stalk John Brownstone

Contact Kayla

Full Transcript:

You’re listening to Loving BDSM podcast: episode 24. Hey, everybody. Kayla Lords here. Today let’s discuss the red flags of a bad Dominant and what to do about them. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this is your first time listening, glad to have you! If you’re back for another week, welcome back! Loving BDSM is produced every Friday for your kinky pleasure and education and show notes are found at kaylalords.com. Come back often and feel free to add the podcast to your favorite RSS feed or iTunes. If you love what you hear, we’d love a good review on iTunes to help other kinksters find us! You can follow me on Twitter @KaylaLords or stalk John Brownstone at southernsirsplace.com. All links are in the show notes.

Does your business cater to the kinky – with toys, videos, products, or services? You should sponsor the Loving BDSM podcast. Contact me, Kayla Lords, to learn more. Now on with the show.

For everyone who follows the show regularly (hi! You can’t see it but I’m waving at you!! Because I’m a goofball!) you may have noticed that last week there was nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Actual radio silence.

Well, for once, it wasn’t me who was sick, it was John Brownstone – the man who gives you intro and outro (yes that’s a term) music and reduces as many awkward pauses and strange noises as possible in every episode. When I say sick, I mean, he was in the bed for 48 hours unable to breathe through his nose, talk, or stand up without staggering. My job was to keep him hydrated and medicated. Asking him to prop himself up to edit an episode just seemed wrong somehow.

So if you noticed we were gone for a week, never fear, we’re back. Or at least I am. And if this episode has the music, then you know John Brownstone is back too. Which reminds me, I really need to pin him down and bat my eyelashes until he records another episode of his own. If you have suggestions for what you’d like this my Daddy Dom to discuss in an episode, send them my way! I’ll make sure he sees them.

Anyway, as always, this week’s podcast was inspired by other things. Actually, it was inspired over a month ago but I never could pull it together.

A few weeks before this episode, I wrote a bit of advice for Submissive Guide’s “Ask Anything” column, and I knew I had to share with all of you. This person sent in a letter to the site in which nearly every line of her message about her Dominant was a big, gigantic, awful red flag. If you’ve followed me for any amount of time, you know I rarely give concrete answers on how to do the D/s thing. There’s almost always a caveat about personal experience and preferences. Personally (and professionally), I always try to find a shade of gray (pardon the pun) and I don’t like to give black and white answers. In my view there’s almost always an exception to a rule. Except consent, of course.

My reply (and yes, I’ll link to it in the show notes for you) was for her to run as far and as fast as she could.

This isn’t the first time red flags and bad Dominants have caught my attention. I wrote a blog post for it in 2015 and it’s still one of my most popular pieces. Why? Because it happens all the time.

Because this is such a huge issue, I want to address it here on the podcast. For two reasons: so you know the red flags if you’re a submissive and can (hopefully) avoid them. And if you’re a Dominant (or you want to be one) and you recognize your own actions in this list you can become more educated and stop that crap right now.

Oh, and if it makes you feel any better, I’m going to do an episode on the red flags submissives give out to Dominants in the next couple of weeks. So no, this isn’t a Dom-bashing thing. Really, if you think about it, it’s a moment to bash assholes, wannabes, posers, and anyone who can’t bring themselves to become educated about what it means to be a Dom.

You’ll notice my list is directed at submissives with male Dominants. When anyone mentions the bad acts of a wannabe Dominant, they are exclusively men. It’s not that I think female Dominants can’t be bad, it’s just that I’ve never heard of women doing these specific things. If they do or if there are other traits, actions, and characteristics of bad female Dominants, please share with me in the comments on the show notes page or by contacting me. The more information we share, the better we are as a kinky community. And if female Dominants are out there acting as predators, I want to know about it so I can help people who come across them.

He demands that you call him Sir or Master or some other title from the moment you meet. First of all, you’re a submissive, not his submissive. I advocate being respectful until he gives you a reason not to be, but anyone who demands a title before it’s earned needs to be ignored. This guy isn’t your anything, Sir or otherwise, until you decide that he is.

He starts out an introduction online with a dick pic or an order to please him. No good Dominant is going to send you this without some sort of agreement between the two of you. It’s just not going to happen. This is a question of consent, and if this is how he’s introducing himself, he’s clearly not worried about your consent.

He sends you unsolicited instructions of how to please him or orders to obey. Did you talk about this list? Was there communication and consent? If not, this is just another poser. And no, you aren’t required to follow this list just because you think his avatar online is hot or you really want a Dominant partner. You really can tell this guy to fuck off. It’s okay. It doesn’t make you less submissive.

He ignores your hard limits. Don’t just walk away from this loser, fucking run. Ignoring your clearly identified and communicated limits is the sign of an abuser. A Dominant will push your limits, sure, but not without first talking to you to gain your fully informed consent.

He disregards your safe word. Yes, some Dominants out there claim not to play with a safe word. I find that dicey but I try not to be to judgy about it. If you use a safe word, though, it should be respected no matter what, just like a hard limit. Ignoring this is just more abuse. And frankly, what happens next after your safeword is ignored, especially during sex, amounts to rape.

He lies. I know some people will say that everyone lies. White lies to save face or feelings. Most Dominants I know are honest to a fault. Meaning they will tell you things you don’t even want to hear sometimes. Think about it. How can you communicate openly and honestly if you’ll lie about things – big or small? He can’t earn your trust if he’s lying to you. How can you trust him with your mental, physical, or emotional health in the middle of kinky play if you can’t trust the things he tells you? Guess what. You can’t!

He thinks more about his pleasure than your own. Caveat: if you’ve negotiated a relationship where this is acceptable to both of you (yes, that’s possible), that’s okay. Not my kink, but okay. I’m referring to the jerk who gets off and then ignores you or doesn’t listen when you tell him your preferences. Or tells you that you’re required to be at his sexual beck and call but he can’t have all the partners he wants, and you’re not allowed to question him. Okay, again, if this is a kink of yours or the way you want to set up your relationship – maybe it’s an open relationship – that’s okay as you long as you both agree and you are both comfortable with it. However, when you’re told this is how it’s going to be, that’s not okay. That’s not good Dominance. That’s selfish assholery.

He makes you feel bad about yourself. I’m not talking about a humiliation fetish in the middle of a scene or even as part of an on-going relationship. Again, that’s something different and has to be negotiated, communicated, and discussed thoroughly. As a side note, humiliation play needs to be dealt with very carefully because you never know what may be triggered. But no, I’m talking about the soul-sucking, self-esteem shattering bullshit that makes you feel less than human and unworthy of love and affection. D/s is supposed to build you up, not tear you down. This is about helping you fulfill certain needs or desires or being the person you’re meant to be. If after a conversation, a scene, or just a random moment with this person, you feel awful about yourself because of what he’s saying to you, that’s a problem. A big one.

He separates you from family and friends. Okay, let’s be honest here. Some people are just bad for us. They make us feel bad about ourselves and doubt our self worth. I don’t mean those supposed friends and family members. A good Dominant will probably encourage you to eliminate those negative people from your life or help you deal with them in healthier ways. No, I’m talking about a Dominant that tries to isolate you and is jealous of  your relationships with your friends and family. This is more than a case of an uneducated or bad Dominant, this is the mark of an abuser.

He tells you that you’re not a “real” submissive because you have your own opinions. In a D/s relationship, how you express those opinions will vary based on your consensual, negotiated agreement but you should always have your own opinions. The other flavor of this one is that you’re not a real submissive because you’re too independent, aggressive, or (best of all) not willing to do what you’re told by someone you just met who claims to be a Dominant. (Insert big, fat eyeroll.)

He tells you to research and learn on your own what it means to be a “true” submissive and that if you can’t figure it out, he can’t be with you. Wait, what in the actual fuck? You know what that tells me? That says he doesn’t know jack shit about this, and he’s expecting you to figure it out and let him know. Look, D/s is a learning experience for everyone involved, no matter how experienced you are. You learn what each other likes. You learn dislikes. You learn patterns, behaviors, temperament. And there is no such thing as a quote true submissive. There’s no mold that we’re all supposed to fit into or some sort of litmus test we’re all supposed to pass before we get to label ourselves submissive! I didn’t take a test, answer some questions, or ran an obstacle course to earn my submissive badge. You know what I did? I gave my partner control over portions of our relationship (okay in my case all of our relationship). That’s it and then ta-da like magic, I was a submissive. Hell, even using a title like “Daddy” or “Sir” is optional.

You will learn something about D/s every single day – either about yourself, your partner, the lifestyle, what you like, what you don’t like, how the other person reacts, how you react, you name it, and it there’s to be learned. So even before I knew a damn thing about how I exchange power with a partner, I could call myself a submissive. Why? Because I’d made the decision to submit and so therefore I was submissive. So yeah, that whole “true” submissive thing is bullshit and learning on your own as a requirement is total crap.

Whew, okay, I need to calm down before I pop a vein. Okay, so what do you do about these so-called Dominants?

Assuming you’re online when these things occur (and they usually do), I also think you can be proactive in dealing with these men. First of all, you are under no obligation to reply to a message that includes anything you find offensive. If you tell them to stop or to leave you alone, you can and should ignore them. You don’t have to continue following or being “friends” with these people online. The unfollow, unfriend, and block features are all there for a reason. Use them. If it crosses over to harassment, you should absolutely report them to whichever site you’re on.

Once you’re in a relationship, you must remember that you’re free to end it. You are allowed to withdraw your consent. If he doesn’t listen, he’s no longer acting as a Dominant. Now he’s an abuser. And he should be treated as such – even if that means getting the law involved. Your physical, emotional, and mental well-being truly are that important. Don’t think you’re stuck in a bad relationship because you consented to the power exchange. The relationship only exists as long as everyone involved consents to it.

Now I’m not saying leaving would be simple. Hell no. It’ll probably be hard as hell, and if he’s a creepy, crazy guy, you may need legal action, big burly people to help you, and whatever you need to do to protect yourself. But first you have to realize that your right to be safe and healthy don’t end because you call someone your Dominant. They’re only your Dominant as long as you’re willing to submit to them.  

If you find yourself in a D/s relationship where you’re dealing with some of these red flags or you feel like something isn’t right, you need to speak up and take action, even if that means walking away. I know you may feel that overwhelming need to submit – especially if you’re new to BDSM and have just discovered your submissive self. That need, known as sub frenzy, is very real and very powerful. Don’t let it overpower your common sense. If you wouldn’t stay in a vanilla relationship with someone who behaved this way, there’s no need to stay in a D/s relationship either.

And yes, whether you believe it or not, it’s better to be alone than stuck in a bad relationship – no matter what flavor it is.

Okay, I’m done ranting..for today. To all my Dominant listeners, you know I love you – assuming you’re not a poser, wannabe, abusive asshole. And no, I don’t enjoy Dom-bashing. But if we as submissives aren’t educated about the bad Doms, we won’t recognize the good ones when we find them. But have no fear, your turn is coming because there are some things submissive get wrong too, and I’ll definitely talk about that in an upcoming episode.

Keep it kinky, y’all, and we’ll see you next week!

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