LovingBDSM

The Loving BDSM Podcast

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Spankings LB059

Kayla Lords and John Brownstone discuss spankings in episode 59. There’s much more to it than a hand and an ass.

In this episode:

  • Become our kinky patron at the $5 and up level, and you can watch John Brownstone spank my ass!
  • There are different types of spankings: fun, funishment, punishment, and therapeutic.
  • Spankings are typically ass and hand, but they can also be toys and other parts of your body: tits, pussy, cock, and even face (which is really a smack instead of a spank).
  • You don’t have to be a sadist and a masochist to get something from spankings or to use them in your D/s relationship. It’s also okay and “normal” if you don’t enjoy spankings and don’t make them part of your dynamic. There’s no rule that says you have to be into spankings.
  • Therapy spankings are my personal favorite because they release tension from my body between the impact and the pain.
  • Be mindful of whether the therapy spanking works (it won’t always). You may have deeper issues to deal with than a spanking can cure – I know I did.
  • Funishment is the playful teasing of “being bad” and getting the spanking you both want.
  • Punishment (as discussed in episode 58) is awful and painful, and that’s the point.
  • Submissives can ask for a spanking (within the confines of their particular dynamic) but be prepared to be denied or be surprised by what you get. We don’t always get what we’re asking for.
  • For Dominants who enjoy them, spankings can be good for you, too. Spankings can be your own way to release tension or feed off the energy of your submissive.
  • Always play safely and practice if you’re new to an activity. Yes, even if that means you spank a pillow to get the feel of it before you spank your partner.
  • Toys can be used in spanking: floggers, paddles, canes, crops, belts, wooden spoons, brushes, you name it.
  • Be mindful of red marks, bruises, and broken skin. Discuss what’s acceptable to you both before you add spanking. Some people are okay with welts and bruises but not cuts and blood.

Links from the show:

Kayla Lords on Patreon – $5 and up gets you access to monthly spanking videos!

Smack! Three Thrilling Types of Spankings – Kinkly.com

More Than One Way to Spank an Ass – Fetish.com

Discipline, Punishment, and Consequences (podcast #58)

Paddles by John Brownstone

Follow Kayla on Twitter

Stalk John Brownstone

Kayla Lords on Fetlife

John Brownstone on Fetlife

Contact Kayla Lords

Contact John Brownstone

Discipline, Punishment, and Consequences in D/s LB058

Hosted by Kayla Lords and John Brownstone, episode 58 of the Loving BDSM podcast focuses on discipline, punishment, and consequences for submissives in D/s relationships.

In this episode:

  • Buy my books and help send me to Eroticon!
  • Two sides of discipline: the discipline to do what you’re told as a submissive and being disciplined when you don’t do what you’re told.
  • Funishment is a playful type of “punishment.” Use it or don’t, but don’t let it take the place of simply asking for what you want.
  • Punishments are meant to suck for the submissive. It should be something that deters future bad behavior.
  • As a submissive, the first real test of your submission is the first time you’re told No.
  • Punishments should be negotiated during the beginning of a relationship. They should not be sprung on a submissive as a surprise. 
  • Submissives must consent to a punishment. If you feel the need to withdraw your consent prior to punishment, there may underlying issues that need to be dealt with.
  • Punishment and consequence aren’t quite the same thing. Punishment is the act. Consequence is the outcome, and isn’t always an act of punishment.
  • After a punishment, the incident is over. Ongoing punishment or anger is not okay or healthy for a relationship. Deal with the issue and your feelings around the incident and move on.
  • Punishment should not be given in anger. Dominants need to admit their feelings and then wait until you’re calm enough to punish.
  • Dominants have to follow through. If you say that there will be a punishment for certain behaviors, you must follow through.

Links from the show:

Buy Kayla’s Books!

The Responsibilities of a Dominant and a Submissive (podcast episode)

Training a Submissive in a D/s Relationship (podcast episode)

Follow Kayla on Twitter

Stalk John Brownstone

Kayla Lords on Fetlife

John Brownstone on Fetlife

Contact Kayla Lords

Contact John Brownstone

How to Hold Your Dominant Accountable

Kayla Lords and John Brownstone host episode 57 and tackle a topic that doesn’t get much attention – how exactly does a submissive hold their Dominant accountable for their bad behavior?

In this episode:

  • Spanking and educational kinky videos coming soon to Patreon. Become a kinky patron now!
  • My harsh feelings, “If your Dom won’t do what they say they will, you may need to walk away.” Yes, that’s much easier said than done.
  • Submissives have to communicate with their Doms in to hold them accountable.
  • A Dominant should be willing to listen and take in what their submissive tells them.
  • The Dominant who refuses to listen, change, or care is a problem and a potential danger to their submissive.
  • Beware of a Dominant with a strong sense of entitlement with little sense of responsibility
  • There is a difference between pushing boundaries and being out of control
  • Accountability comes down to communication and integrity
  • If you need help communicating and accountability, a counselor or mediator may help.
  • A good Dominant holds themselves more accountable than anyone else. They are very hard on themselves, especially when they make mistakes.
  • Mistakes happen. A Dominant who accepts that and works to correct the problems is behaving the way they should. The Dominant who refuses to admit to their mistakes isn’t holding themselves accountable.
  • Bonus section! John Brownstone semi-rants but definitely speaks from the heart. I, however, tell weird factoids about our sex life you never wants to know.

Links from the show:

Kink-Aware Professionals 

Kayla Lords on Patreon

Send Kayla to Eroticon in London!

Follow Kayla on Twitter

Stalk John Brownstone

Kayla Lords on Fetlife

John Brownstone on Fetlife

Contact Kayla Lords

Contact John Brownstone

Using Labels to Figure Out Your Kink LB056

Kayla Lords hosts episode 56 and talks about labels, how they can help you figure yourself out, using them to find a community, and rejecting labels for different reasons.

In this episode:

  • You can buy wooden paddles aka weapons of ass destruction made by John Brownstone!
  • A listener asked about labels and how to figure out what kind of kinkster she might be.
  • I’ve written about labels before for Kinkly, and people definitely have their own opinions about them.
  • You can take a (not-at-all scientific) online test to learn more about your kinky desires.
  • I’ve taken it and it seemed accurate. Don’t take the results as absolute fact, but use them to explore parts of your kinky nature you might not have been aware of.
  • Labels are good for learning about kink and finding like-minded people, but everyone has their own definition of what a “type” of kinkster is: Master vs Dominant, slave vs submissive, littles, kittens, etc.
  • Feel free to use as many labels as you want to describe yourself. I’m a submissive, babygirl, masochist, and whatever the hell else I want to be later.
  • While using specific labels to find like-minded kinksters is one way to find your community, don’t reject other types of kinksters because they don’t fall into your category or group. We all have something to learn from one another, no matter how we experience D/s.
  • Some people are very rigid about what a label means or how people who classify themselves should act. Watch out for that.
  • You can reject a label or the use of labels if that feels right for you.
  • I even ramble for a few minutes in the bonus section.

Links from the show:

Wooden Paddles by John Brownstone

BDSM Test

What Kind of Submissive are You? – Article discussing labels

Kinkly’s Sex Dictionary – good for looking up what labels mean

Watts the Safeword – YouTube Channel

My Kink Relationship – Great video by Watts the Safeword

Send Kayla to Eroticon in London!

Follow Kayla on Twitter

Stalk John Brownstone

Kayla Lords on Fetlife

John Brownstone on Fetlife

Contact Kayla Lords

Contact John Brownstone

When Your Kinky Wants and Needs Change LB055

Kayla Lords and John Brownstone host episode 55 and talk about how expectations, wants, and needs in your D/s relationship can change over time – and what to do when that happens. And they clear up what all that “edging” was about at the end of episode 54.

In this episode:

  • Save 72{41b2ccad9c9615e377be815ad205595d71b5b6a7a02ca926ea5182d1112aa551} off the Double Entendre Box from Unbounce (September 2016 only)
  • I asked for a change in something John Brownstone said was a “must have” of us, and he agreed to consider it.
  • Over time, what you want, need, and expect in your D/s relationship can and will change.
  • Changes happen for a lot of reasons. We change because the reality vs. the fantasy is never the same. We change because we mature. We change because of health issues.
  • The important thing is to communicate your desire or need for that change with your partner.
  • If your partner asks for something you’re not comfortable doing, you can look for options outside of your relationship.
  • If your partner says “No” to the change you’re asking for, you’ll have to decide if it’s something you can live without or not. There are no easy answers.
  • Communication is always the starting point. Understanding, compromise, and sometimes trust are needed to deal with the changes.
  • Bonus section: An idea occurred to me during this portion, and I reeeeeeeeally need your feedback.

Links from the show:

Unbound (affiliate link)

Send Kayla to Eroticon in London!

Follow Kayla on Twitter

Stalk John Brownstone

Kayla Lords on Fetlife

John Brownstone on Fetlife

Contact Kayla Lords

Contact John Brownstone

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