I almost called John Brownstone a “poly Dom” but that sounded like a mathematical term, and I don’t do numbers. We’ve mentioned briefly (in past episodes) that we have the capacity to be poly, and we’re both open to it. While it doesn’t involve romantic love or sexual connections, we are polyamorous. Although not in the complete way we’d like to be, I think.
He has other submissive/bottom partners while I don’t have any other partners at all. Not because I don’t want them or because I’m not interested. It’s complicated and has to do, in part, with my trust issues and anxiety.
A lot of people say they can’t “share” or couldn’t be in a poly or open relationship because of insecurities and jealousy. And that is true for a lot of people. For a long time, I felt the same way.
But here’s what it’s like being his 24/7 submissive, his wife, the love of his life, but not the only person he Doms/tops.
How Our Poly Life Began
The idea of polyamory is still a relatively new concept to me. I’d never heard of it when I discovered my kink side, and even when I first learned the term, I resisted the idea. “I don’t share” is something I still say, but that’s not exactly true. Now it’s a joke.
If polyamory is new for you, I’ll give a quick and imperfect definition. Being poly is loving/caring for more than one person and having more than one relationship at a time. It’s not code for cheating, and it only works when all parties consent.
What being poly looks like for one relationship will be different from another. Just like the BDSM life, y’all. Communication and consent make it work, and we get to build what works best for us.
We didn’t discuss polyamory much, if ever, until after we moved in together in 2014. We had a kind of open relationship around that time because he had moments with people who aren’t me. (That’s a story for him to tell, but we never defined it as polyamory.)
The moment polyamory as an option became real for me is when we had our first threesome. It was also the first time I felt compersion (feeling love/positive feelings for the love/positive feelings of my partner). I watched John Brownstone kiss another woman and my heart swelled two sizes (a bit like the Grinch, actually).
In a perfect world, you begin with rules and boundaries. We fell into this mad, passionate thing over a weekend. And very quickly I learned what didn’t work for me.
They took a shower together and had some private time. I had a moment where I felt left out, but I hated it more that I didn’t know the shower was going to happen. I didn’t care what they did in there, but that feeling of surprise hit a nerve I didn’t expect. So, we came up with rules.
My Rules for This Poly Life
Maybe “rules” isn’t the right word. It seems a bit harsh and dictatorial. I have boundaries and things I need to receive in order to feel comfortable. As long as these things hold true, I’m okay with whoever he partners with.
No surprises. I’m an anxious person and hate surprises. If he’s talking to someone new, I want to know. I also want to get a sense of who this person is. I don’t need all their details, but I don’t want a new partnership sprung on me either.
Give me details about the relationship. Is it sexual, platonic, a power exchange only, romantic? So far it’s mostly been as a top/Dom to other women. But he’s explored other avenues — some with the idea that they might like both of us.
No one else calls you Daddy. I understand the urge, because (to me) he’s the epitome of a Daddy Dom. But they have to find another term. That title is mine. Sometimes he’s “Sir” and he also has another name that (clearly) means Daddy, but it’s different. I helped pick it out, actually.
They have to know I exist. Nothing about John Brownstone makes me think he wouldn’t tell someone about me. The way we live our life online, you can’t possibly know him and not know I exist. But having a 24/7 submissive who he’s married to needs to be in the discussion early on.
Do I need to meet them, talk to them, “decide” if they’re okay for him? Nope. He’s a grown man and can decide for himself.
I do ask probing questions about them. I want to know about their actions, how consistent they are, do they say things that aren’t true? Why? Because I have an intuition about people, and as a service submissive, I see my role as an advisory one. I will give him my opinion based on what I know and believe. He’s the Dom and The Decider™ so the decision is still his, but I get to say my peace.
What About Jealousy?
Someone recently asked how I can be part of this and “let” him have these other relationships. Aren’t I worried he’ll find someone better or leave me?
The truth is by letting him out of the house or talk to strangers on the internet that could happen. I don’t control him or his feelings. If someone came along and he thought he loved them more than me, well, that would be devastating. Knowing us the way I do, I know it’s highly unlikely, but nothing’s impossible.
If I hadn’t had that moment of compersion, I probably would have been resistant to the poly life. But realizing that I love when someone loves him or when he’s attracted to someone else opened my eyes. I was so happy for him, and I desperately wanted him to have those moments again.
I also recognize that I can’t fulfill all of his needs, just like he can’t fulfill all of mine. We’re compatible on a lot of levels, and we make each other very happy. But there are things we want and need that the other can’t always provide.
What makes it work and keeps me very comfortable with this poly life all boils down to a few things:
- Our constant open communication. I’m never afraid to tell him what I think or express my feelings. I might find it difficult, but I’m not fearful.
- My complete and total trust in him. He worked damn hard to earn it, and I have no doubt in him, his word, or his feelings about me.
- He respects my “rules” and boundaries, seeking to keep me comfortable.
- His willingness to help me work through feelings of insecurity and envy if they hit (thankfully that’s been very rare)
- I love seeing him happy .
- I love knowing that he’s getting needs fulfilled that I can’t do for him.
- It’s important to him so it’s important to me.
I think the real fear I could have and other submissives might understand is feeling neglected. Are my submissive needs not being met because he’s too busy with other people?
This is something we dealt with early on. He was still learning to juggle multiple connections, and he made small mistakes. Nothing that breaks a relationship and anything that can happen to a busy Dominant. The key was, as always, communication.
“I feel neglected.”
“I’m your submissive, too.”
Okay, maybe I got a bit snarky. I was adjusting, too. But when I pointed out that I’d been left waiting a few too many times, he fixed it. That also helped me feel more comfortable with the arrangement. I was still his top priority, and as the 24/7 submissive, wife, lover, partner, it’s what I needed.
And yes, I’ve waited while he consoled a partner, helped them worked through tough times, and even dished out a bit of discipline and stern words. I give him the space he needs to navigate his relationships. It’s only if I perceive a pattern or something very important gets forgotten or ignored that I would speak up.
Since that first time, though, it’s never been an issue.
So yeah, I’m a 24/7 submissive to my darling Daddy Dom, and he’s got other partners. We’re both open to the idea of me having other partners but the stars would have to align in a way not found in nature for that to happen, I think. And if I do meet that person, we’ll create new rules and boundaries and adjust again.
In episode 139, John Brownstone will discuss what it’s like to be a 24/7 Dominant and polyamorous. I promise to try and let him do most of the talking.
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