LovingBDSM

The Loving BDSM Podcast

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3 Reasons Why Dom Drop Happens

We should probably get one thing out of the way. Subs aren’t the only kinksters who can drop after a scene, kinky fuckery, or just some intense D/s…stuff. Dom drop is very real. And FYI, it says absolutely nothing about what “kind” of Dominant you are (or what kind your partner may be) or whether you’re a good Dom or not.

Why a Dominant may drop depends on what’s going on in their head and around them. These are just three of the most common we’ve experienced, seen, or heard about. The reasons you drop may be different but they are just as valid.

What Goes Up Must Come Down

Subspace is a thing and so is Top or Dom space. While the sensations and experiences might be different, the impact is the same. Feel good endorphins, adrenaline, and any number of other biochemical responses are going on in the brain and the body. John Brownstone reports that he gets hyper-focused, as if there’s nothing but he and I in the whole world.

And what goes up, must come down. Whether or not you call your experience of top/dom space a “high” doesn’t matter. It’s about how the body and mind react. Yes, a Dom can feel low, anger, sadness, or just…off after coming down from top space.

What Kind of Monster Am I?

Depending on the  kind of kinky play you enjoy with a partner, it’s not uncommon to question yourself afterwards. Did I really just hit my partner? Am I the type of person who enjoys causing pain? Saying cruel things? Treating someone I care about that way?

What we do in BDSM is on the edge, and some of it is on the extreme edge. Don’t beat yourself up if once the fun is over you’re left wondering whether you’re a monster or not. FYI: You’re not. And talking to your sub/bottom about their experience of the moment may help you remember this was a consensual thing that you both enjoyed.

This Isn’t Right

Different from the low that can come from questioning your morality or humanity after kinky fuckery, we’re all subject to cultural or societal norms and expectations. Are you coming out of your role as a “gentleman” to be brutal to a partner even though you’ve been told all your life “real men” don’t do this? Have you been taught that it’s more ladylike to let the man lead and there you are, beating your partner’s ass, defying everything you’ve been told is “right” or “true?”

It might not even be as gender-normative as all of that. Maybe you’re discovering a different part of your sexuality or gender identity and none of it matches what you think you know. Can an intense scene (that felt pretty damn good during and so fucking right) leave you feeling low or uncertain a day or even a week later? Of course it can.

Dom Drop Happens

Dominance is just as mental for you as submission can be for your partner. We all tend to focus on the physical acts and our kinky fuckery and forget there’s a living, breathing person who has to deal with what we do. Dom drop is very real and shouldn’t be ignored. Your emotions, both the good and the bad, need to be reckoned with. Some self-reflection may help, as might some additional connection with your partner. Neither of that might work, and you might have to get creative to figure out the fix — or just ride it out.

We’ve discussed drop (both Dom and sub) in a previous episode (39 to be exact) because it happens to both sides of the slash. In episode 127, we’ll focus on Dom drop specifically. We shouldn’t pretend like it doesn’t exist or that Doms who experience it are weak or less Domly (neither are true). It’s a natural part of the kinky fuckery experience.

These aren’t the only reasons drop happens. Have you experienced Dom drop in the past? Why do you think it happened and how did you help yourself through it? Feel free to share with us in the comments below!

How D/s Helps My Depression and Mental State

We are so glad to welcome S.G. Bound, erotic author and budding blogger, as our contributor this month. She’s sharing her personal story of how finding D/s has helped her deal with her depression and improve her mental state.

In 2005 I suffered a mental breakdown.  MrH took 6 weeks off work to care for me and our two children.   When he returned to work, the medications had started to take effect.  It took five years and lots of counseling for me to feel recovered enough to return to work; but I am not the same.

I used to be described as outgoing, opinionated, loud, a go-getter, bossy, strong willed, and yes, quite dominant.  After?  Well I could put on an act, but I couldn’t maintain it for more than a few hours.  The unknown filled me with dread and I compensated by trying to control everything around me.

Throughout all this MrH and I remained strong, our relationship was very typically vanilla and very loving.  So, when in July last year I asked if he would be my Dominant, if we could explore bondage and discipline, he was a little surprised.  Especially as I am in constant pain from a back complaint.

The Beginning Wasn’t Easy

Ignoring for a moment the absolutely awesome sex that has become part of our D/s relationship, the benefits to my mental state have been unbelievable. 

In the beginning I had massive mood swings.  I was horny and needy.  I was clingy and dependent.  Handing control to him meant I lost my balance.  When he wasn’t there I felt lost, uncertain, like a small dependent child.  I was adrift.  Suddenly, I didn’t know how to ‘be’ without his input. I needed constant reassurance, and I became extremely emotional and cried a lot. 

I would be so relieved when he arrived home I would cry some more.  And I worried that he would decide that D/s was no good for me if I was affected in this way, so I tried to conceal it.  It never worked.  He would see through it and, by trying to hide my feelings I felt dishonest

We learned that being given a list of simple tasks to complete when he was at work reduced the effect.  Knowing what I was expected to do gave me purpose. My submissive heart looked forward to receiving my instructions.  I could keep busy without having to decide what to do, I just had to do as I was told.  I began an online blog, and this too helped pass the time.

Finding What Works

As things progressed MrH increased his expectations of me.  I am expected to keep my body prepared in the way he likes it, and so I shave daily. As I complete this daily personal maintenance I feel my brain calm, as I feel my submissive mind set settle over me.   Each evening after my shower, I run his bath.  As I agitate the water to create bubbles I feel content to be able to do something nice for him. 

I prepare supper for us at the appropriate time and serve it to him in bed.  He always thanks me for this and it makes me smile.  When he arrives home from work I am sometimes instructed to help him out of his work clothes and into his lounge wear.  I like serving him in this way. 

Every new command that MrH issued made me calmer.  Every rule he put in place increased my inner peace.  But it was when I received my first punishment that I realized how much this new lifestyle had changed me. 

Rules and Punishment

I had developed a bad habit of waking up at about 2am and eating a snack before going back to sleep.  I needed to break this habit, so I asked MrH to help me.  He issued my first rule that would have a punishment attached should I fail.  I was not allowed downstairs for food at night without waking him up and asking permission. 

For the first few weeks this worked well.  I desperately didn’t want to disturb his sleep when he had work the next day.  My need to be obedient overruled my need to eat.  Then I broke the rule.  I had been awake for several hours.  Unable to sleep.  Hungry.  I talked myself into NOT waking him up, deciding that it was more important for him to sleep, and headed downstairs for a snack.  He won’t punish me I reasoned; he will understand.

He understood alright; he understood that I didn’t think he would follow through on the punishment.  And he told me I should have woken him up.  My punishment was issued.  100 lines.  I have not broken this rule since.  This was a turning point for me.  I realized he was truly in charge, he had taken on the role I asked him to. 

Growing and Changing

The new year brought new rules as MrH flexed his Dominant muscles further.  One of them has been removed by him since because it caused an increase in my pain, but the other four remain.  The rules are about my health and appearance, (eating healthily, wearing matching underwear), controlling my spending habits (no eBay or Amazon purchases without permission), and one for MrH personal delight (I’m not allowed to wear panties on a Friday).  Nothing too onerous I’m sure you will agree but they showed me he was invested in his role.

This realization has allowed me to fully relax my guard.  Knowing he is in charge allows me to let go of the need to control.  Every day that passed my anxiety lessened.  The more I felt his dominance the more I relaxed.  The more I relaxed, the calmer I felt.

It hasn’t all been plain sailing, but when I am in a calm submissive state I can honestly say I have never felt more ‘me.’

About S.G. Bound

A 40 something happily married submissive in a monogamous relationship with my Dominant husband.  We’re new to the life (less than 1 year in) but loving the intimacy and renewed connection that D/s has brought.

Want to read more from S.G. Bound?

Follow her personal blog at Sweet Girl’s Journal

Check out her erotic author website

The Mystery Episode…It’s a Mystery to Us, Too LB126

For the record, this episode was a complete mystery to us. We turned on the mic and just started talking. No notes, no plan, and no topic. It’s been that kind of week.

Links from the show:

Support the show

Postcard Project

Kayla Lords on Fetlife

John Brownstone on Fetlife

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Sex and D/s Relationships LB125

Not every D/s relationship includes sex, but for those that do, we’re talking about it in a free-wheeling, no notes or plan kind of way for episode 125.

In this episode:

Much love to our sponsor VRPorn.com!

Sex, sex, and sex.

Links from the show:

VRPorn.com

D/s isn’t About Sex, It’s About Power

Support the show

Postcard Project

Kayla Lords on Fetlife

John Brownstone on Fetlife

Contact us!

Listen to the show:

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Your favorite podcast app!

When Communication Isn’t Enough LB124

In episode 124, we take on the tricky topic of what to do when you’ve communicated and communicated and communicated…and it changes nothing in your D/s relationship.

In this episode:

  • Much love to this week’s sponsor VRPorn.com — the number one virtual reality porn site in the world!
  • We received a question on Twitter about what to do when you’ve talked as much as you can. You’ve said everything and had the conversations.
  • You’re being ignored.
  • Promised changes aren’t happening.
  • What do you do?
  • You make difficult decisions. And there’s no one right answer.
  • Maybe it’s that the D/s dynamic isn’t right with this partner. Or maybe the specific D/s dynamic you’re pursuing isn’t the right one.
  • Maybe they don’t need to be your partner anymore — a harsh reality that has to be faced by some people at some point.

Links from the show:

VRPorn.com

Join the Loving BDSM Community

Support the show

Postcard Project

Kayla Lords on Fetlife

John Brownstone on Fetlife

Contact us!

Listen to the show:

iTunes

Google Play

Your favorite podcast app!

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