The Loving BDSM Podcast

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Are Cheat Days Okay? | Fit for Kink

For the record, to avoid confusion, I’m talking about “cheating” on your diet or fitness program — not your partner. Just before we went out of town, I recorded a video for our Fit for Kink series to discuss the idea of cheating or, at least, letting up on your program when you go on vacation, visit family, or are in situations where you don’t always control your food.

Oh, and at the top I refer to it as a “quick” video, and 13 minutes is quick for me, so it’s still an accurate statement.

In the video:

  • Let’s not call them “cheat” days because that implies we’re doing something wrong.
  • Better to consider these moments “indulgences” instead.
  • Some people can’t handle an entire day of cheating or going off their plan. Maybe allow yourself a small indulgence.
  • Few programs work if you have to be super-strict every moment of the day.
  • Yes, on a ketogenic diet you can indulge. I tend to drink more diet sodas and have more coffee with more heavy cream. Note: After this past weekend, I also realized that I wasn’t as strict on my calorie counting, although I still ate according to my plan.
  • Fitness might go out the window, but that’s okay, too. “Cheat” days aren’t just for food (for some people).
  • The whole point of getting fit for kink is to change your lifestyle to match your lifestyle — or the lifestyle you want to have. If you’re on a plan that never allows you to loosen up a little, it’s going to be hard to stick to.
  • If you do go a little wild with your cheats and indulgences, start again the next day. Try not to dwell on what’s happened. Move forward. Beating yourself up over it isn’t productive.

Now it’s your turn. How do you handle “cheat” days? Do you even call them that? What are your indulgences or do you find it’s easier just to stick to your plan? Share in the comments below or talk to us on Twitter!


Do You Have to Take a BDSM Test to Figure Out Your Kinks?

When you’re new to anything it’s easy to worry about whether you’re doing things “right” or not. Am I using the right label? Will I say the right thing? Is there a right way to be a submissive or Dominant?

The questions we ask ourselves are normal, as is the worry or fear that we’re doing something wrong. The bottomline is that there is no single right or “normal” way to be Dominant, submissive, or switch. Our BDSM life is what we make of it.

But that doesn’t stop us from wondering, does it?

Enter BDSM tests — from Buzzfeed quizzes to the popular BDSMTest.org. Some of us take these tests out of curiosity and some take them because we want to know who we are, and we hope a test will help.

So let’s get back to the original question. Do you have to take a BDSM test?

Of course not, but that doesn’t mean they’re not useful…but also not always great. Basically, it’s complicated.

How BDSM Tests are Useful

BDSM tests will never be perfect, but they definitely have their uses.

Language: BDSM tests, labels, and anything that gives you the language for kink that you don’t already have is a good thing. When you’re first learning about BDSM you don’t always know where to start. A list of activities, characteristics, and titles can be a jumping off point. Take the test by answering the questions honestly, and then check the answers to see what categories it places you in. Now you have the words to start having conversations.

Education: I can’t imagine finding BDSM before the internet. Clearly people did it, and they managed just fine, but I like knowing the answer to something is a Google search away. Once you’ve got your BDSM test results, it’s time to use your results to educate yourself. Don’t know what something is? Look it up online! Not sure you want to try it? Talk to your partner!

A Starting Point: No single test or quiz about BDSM will ever encompass the entirety of the kink community or all of who you are. The results are simply a starting point for you to figure out what you like and where you want to go from here. When you take it with a partner, you can use it try things you’re both interested in. When you’re single, it helps you start to identify yourself as a kinkster.

Why a BDSM Test Can Be Problematic

Remember when I said nothing, including our beloved BDSM tests, are perfect? Yeah, about that…

They might be inaccurate. If you don’t fully understand what something is like or means, can you really answer the question honestly? If you dislike something because of what you’ve heard (but not experienced), are you able to give a full answer? In the end, the results might not be an accurate picture of who you are as a kinkster or who you will become.

It’s easy to get stuck on labels. I like labels because they help us talk about what we have in common and how we identify, but labels sometimes suck, too. We all have our own definition of what it means to be Dominant, submissive, Master, slave, Caregiver, little, kitten, puppy, you name it. If we see a label we don’t like in our results, we might wonder if we know ourselves. When we don’t see a label we enjoy, we might question our kinky selves. You get to be who you want to be and use (or reject) any label. A test doesn’t determine that for you.

They shouldn’t be used to match, rank, or otherwise “count” your BDSM authenticity. If I’m 55 percent submissive does that mean I’m less submissive than someone else? What if I’m only 33 percent babygirl but I love it? Am I supposed to give it up because it’s not high on my results? Of course not, but that doesn’t stop people from using these test results to make those kinds of decisions.

BDSM Test Options

As with all things, BDSM tests are tools. They don’t tell us everything, and we shouldn’t treat them as if they’re sacred. At most, they might help you learn more about your kinky self. At the very least, they should be fun. If seeing the results of a BDSM test stresses you out, toss them out and ignore it all together. You do not have to be (and shouldn’t be) defined by your test results.

Okay, so all of that being said, there are two BDSM tests that you might be interested in. The first is free, easy, and one of the most well known — BDSMTest.org. I took it recently, and here are my top 10 results:

  • 87% Submissive
  • 84% Masochist
  • 72% Slave
  • 67% Degradee
  • 65% Primal (Prey)
  • 63% Boy/Girl
  • 54% Rope bunny
  • 51% Brat
  • 48% Voyeur
  • 48% Exhibitionist

None of it surprised me. The one you can’t see is 43 percent non-monogamist, and that seems fairly accurate given our poly life, too.

The other option is a paid option, and it’s designed specifically for couples who are figuring out their kinks together. Simpatic.Us is less a test and more a survey to figure out what you and your partner enjoy. You each answer the questions separately, and then receive a report of your compatible results. It’s designed to give you a place of common ground to discuss BDSM and kink. We tried it back in 2017 if you want to read my review. If it’s something that interests you, check out Simpatic.Us and use code LovingBDSM10 to save 25 percent off ($10) your survey and report (affiliate offer).

So now it’s your turn. How do you feel about BDSM tests and the labels that come with it? Fun? Stressful? Not important to you? Helpful? Let us know in the comments below or talk to us on Twitter!

What It’s Like to Be Poly and a 24/7 Dominant LB139

Thanks to our amazing friend, Professor Sex, for suggesting this week’s topic: a Dom’s take on navigating non-monogamy while maintaining a 24/7 D/s relationship. We identify as poly, and just as with everything else, it exists on a spectrum. This is our perspective.

In this episode:

  • Join us on Patreon!
  • Visit John Brownstone’s vanilla shop.
  • This topic was requested by our friend Professor Sex. She asked us to discuss a Dom’s take on navigating non-monogamy while maintaining a 24/7 D/s relationship.
  • What does non-monogamy mean? It’s an umbrella term that includes polyamory but also other relationship types like swinging and open relationships.
  • We consider ourselves poly even if it’s only happening on one side — for right now — because of our emotional connection to everyone. Even if Kayla’s not strictly involved, she cares about JB’s partners and wants their needs fulfilled, too.
  • Kayla wrote about her perspective of what it’s like to be a 24/7 submissive with a polyamorous Dominant.
  • Challenges and things to adjust to:
    • Juggling multiple needs
    • Making sure no one feels neglected
    • Not being stretched too thin
  • Each relationship is different and fulfills different needs.

Links from the show:

On Being a 24/7 Submissive with a Polyamorous Dominant (blog post)

The Wood Dom

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On Being a 24/7 Submissive with a Polyamorous Dominant

I almost called John Brownstone a “poly Dom” but that sounded like a mathematical term, and I don’t do numbers. We’ve mentioned briefly (in past episodes) that we have the capacity to be poly, and we’re both open to it. While it doesn’t involve romantic love or sexual connections, we are polyamorous. Although not in the complete way we’d like to be, I think.

He has other submissive/bottom partners while I don’t have any other partners at all. Not because I don’t want them or because I’m not interested. It’s complicated and has to do, in part, with my trust issues and anxiety.

A lot of people say they can’t “share” or couldn’t be in a poly or open relationship because of insecurities and jealousy. And that is true for a lot of people. For a long time, I felt the same way.

But here’s what it’s like being his 24/7 submissive, his wife, the love of his life, but not the only person he Doms/tops.

How Our Poly Life Began

The idea of polyamory is still a relatively new concept to me. I’d never heard of it when I discovered my kink side, and even when I first learned the term, I resisted the idea. “I don’t share” is something I still say, but that’s not exactly true. Now it’s a joke.

If polyamory is new for you, I’ll give a quick and imperfect definition. Being poly is loving/caring for more than one person and having more than one relationship at a time. It’s not code for cheating, and it only works when all parties consent.

What being poly looks like for one relationship will be different from another. Just like the BDSM life, y’all. Communication and consent make it work, and we get to build what works best for us.

We didn’t discuss polyamory much, if ever, until after we moved in together in 2014. We had a kind of open relationship around that time because he had moments with people who aren’t me. (That’s a story for him to tell, but we never defined it as polyamory.)

The moment polyamory as an option became real for me is when we had our first threesome. It was also the first time I felt compersion (feeling love/positive feelings for the love/positive feelings of my partner). I watched John Brownstone kiss another woman and my heart swelled two sizes (a bit like the Grinch, actually).

In a perfect world, you begin with rules and boundaries. We fell into this mad, passionate thing over a weekend. And very quickly I learned what didn’t work for me.

They took a shower together and had some private time. I had a moment where I felt left out, but I hated it more that I didn’t know the shower was going to happen. I didn’t care what they did in there, but that feeling of surprise hit a nerve I didn’t expect. So, we came up with rules.

My Rules for This Poly Life

Maybe “rules” isn’t the right word. It seems a bit harsh and dictatorial. I have boundaries and things I need to receive in order to feel comfortable. As long as these things hold true, I’m okay with whoever he partners with.

No surprises. I’m an anxious person and hate surprises. If he’s talking to someone new, I want to know. I also want to get a sense of who this person is. I don’t need all their details, but I don’t want a new partnership sprung on me either.

Give me details about the relationship. Is it sexual, platonic, a power exchange only, romantic? So far it’s mostly been as a top/Dom to other women. But he’s explored other avenues — some with the idea that they might like both of us.

No one else calls you Daddy. I understand the urge, because (to me) he’s the epitome of a Daddy Dom. But they have to find another term. That title is mine. Sometimes he’s “Sir” and he also has another name that (clearly) means Daddy, but it’s different. I helped pick it out, actually.

They have to know I exist. Nothing about John Brownstone makes me think he wouldn’t tell someone about me. The way we live our life online, you can’t possibly know him and not know I exist. But having a 24/7 submissive who he’s married to needs to be in the discussion early on.

Do I need to meet them, talk to them, “decide” if they’re okay for him? Nope. He’s a grown man and can decide for himself.

I do ask probing questions about them. I want to know about their actions, how consistent they are, do they say things that aren’t true? Why? Because I have an intuition about people, and as a service submissive, I see my role as an advisory one. I will give him my opinion based on what I know and believe. He’s the Dom and The Decider™ so the decision is still his, but I get to say my peace.

What About Jealousy?

Someone recently asked how I can be part of this and “let” him have these other relationships. Aren’t I worried he’ll find someone better or leave me?

The truth is by letting him out of the house or talk to strangers on the internet that could happen. I don’t control him or his feelings. If someone came along and he thought he loved them more than me, well, that would be devastating. Knowing us the way I do, I know it’s highly unlikely, but nothing’s impossible.

If I hadn’t had that moment of compersion, I probably would have been resistant to the poly life. But realizing that I love when someone loves him or when he’s attracted to someone else opened my eyes. I was so happy for him, and I desperately wanted him to have those moments again.

I also recognize that I can’t fulfill all of his needs, just like he can’t fulfill all of mine. We’re compatible on a lot of levels, and we make each other very happy. But there are things we want and need that the other can’t always provide.

What makes it work and keeps me very comfortable with this poly life all boils down to a few things:

  • Our constant open communication. I’m never afraid to tell him what I think or express my feelings. I might find it difficult, but I’m not fearful.
  • My complete and total trust in him. He worked damn hard to earn it, and I have no doubt in him, his word, or his feelings about me.
  • He respects my “rules” and boundaries, seeking to keep me comfortable.
  • His willingness to help me work through feelings of insecurity and envy if they hit (thankfully that’s been very rare)
  • I love seeing him happy .
  • I love knowing that he’s getting needs fulfilled that I can’t do for him.
  • It’s important to him so it’s important to me.

Feeling Neglected

I think the real fear I could have and other submissives might understand is feeling neglected. Are my submissive needs not being met because he’s too busy with other people?

This is something we dealt with early on. He was still learning to juggle multiple connections, and he made small mistakes. Nothing that breaks a relationship and anything that can happen to a busy Dominant. The key was, as always, communication.

“I feel neglected.”

“I’m your submissive, too.”

Okay, maybe I got a bit snarky. I was adjusting, too. But when I pointed out that I’d been left waiting a few too many times, he fixed it. That also helped me feel more comfortable with the arrangement. I was still his top priority, and as the 24/7 submissive, wife, lover, partner, it’s what I needed.

And yes, I’ve waited while he consoled a partner, helped them worked through tough times, and even dished out a bit of discipline and stern words. I give him the space he needs to navigate his relationships. It’s only if I perceive a pattern or something very important gets forgotten or ignored that I would speak up.

Since that first time, though, it’s never been an issue.

So yeah, I’m a 24/7 submissive to my darling Daddy Dom, and he’s got other partners. We’re both open to the idea of me having other partners but the stars would have to align in a way not found in nature for that to happen, I think. And if I do meet that person, we’ll create new rules and boundaries and adjust again.

In episode 139, John Brownstone will discuss what it’s like to be a 24/7 Dominant and polyamorous. I promise to try and let him do most of the talking.

Got thoughts about this post? Comment below or talk to us on Twitter!

Small Goals and Slow Progress | Fit for Kink

In the second video of the Fit for Kink series on YouTube, I discuss why small goals and slow progress count. In fact, in some ways, they’re much better than trying to focus on the end result you’re trying to achieve.


To me, small goals are more manageable and easier to change, especially if something doesn’t work. Instead of trying to do All the Things at once, start with a single change you want to make and track your progress for month. Create new habits instead of forcing yourself to become an entirely new person.

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