The Loving BDSM Podcast

Page 21 of 40

5 Ways Insecurities Impact D/s Relationships

Being insecure about something isn’t necessarily a problem. If those feelings propel you to improve yourself, find contentment, or learn more about yourself, insecurities can actually help you grow. The problem for most of us happens when we get stuck in our insecurities.

How we view ourselves, our bodies, our partners, and our future color every part of our life, including the thing some of us want more than anything – a successful D/s relationship. When you get used to how you see yourself or your life, you start to think it’s normal. You might not even realize how problematic your insecurities can be.

Trusting Your Partner

You’ve negotiated your relationship. Everything is working well. You’ve never caught them in a lie. They seem to be everything they say they are. But you’re still not sure.

Insecurities come from a variety of places. Some are from past relationships (John Brownstone and I call them bad tapes). Even though your partner says and does the right things, you’re still not sure you can trust them. Your mind is constantly thinking, “What if?”

At some point, all you can do (assuming everything else is good) is close your eyes and leap into the unknown. There are no guarantees you won’t get hurt, of course. But if you never choose to trust your partner, the relationship can’t grow.

Trusting Yourself to Dominate Someone

Not every Dominant questions whether they should be “allowed” to dominate another person, but it does happen. You’ve got society telling you that controlling someone is wrong. If you’re a male Dominant with a female submissive, you may be thinking of every lesson you ever heard about “how to treat a lady.”

For those who enjoy sadism, where real physical harm may be done to your partner, fear or uncertainty may keep you from exploring the rougher elements of BDSM. It becomes even more difficult if you’ve had a bad experience in the past. How can you trust yourself not to hurt your partner this time?

There are no easy solutions but moving forward slowly helps. Start with one small act of Dominance and move forward as you gain confidence and learn what your partner likes and wants. Time and practice can help you overcome those insecurities.

Trusting Yourself to Submit to Someone

You might think that the real problem is trusting your partner in order to submit (and that is a real issue). But if you think there’s something wrong with you, that you’re somehow not good enough, your insecurities can stop you in your tracks.

You may do things to ruin the relationship. Or you might keep your Dominant at arm’s length, not allowing yourself to grow close enough so that you can submit. I’ve seen submissives close themselves off so much they struggle to meet people, fearful of even putting themselves out there enough to start a conversation.

I have no quick fixes for you. I wish I did. At some point you’ll meet the person who’s willing to work through those insecurities (John Brownstone did that for me). You may just get tired of being alone and decide you’re going to “do something about being alone.” All I can tell you is not to let loneliness or a need to be in a relationship let you overlook red flags and bad behavior. You really do deserve the best. We all do.

Trying New Things

“I’m stupid.”

“I always screw things up.”

“I can’t do [fill in the blank].”

First of all, these things aren’t true. But if you have a habit of questioning your own abilities, a willingness to try new things is often much harder. Add in a few bad experiences from the past, and it gets even more difficult.

This is where trust in your partner is necessary. When I’m scared to do something (kinky or not), knowing that I’ve got John Brownstone on my side helps me. Even if the whole thing (whatever it might be) gets fucked up, I know we’re together.

Moving Forward

I let John Brownstone wonder for months if we had a future. Insecurities about relationships, yourself, your future, or even your partner can stagnate your relationship. It makes sense, though. You know this part. It’s working well, and you have no guarantee it won’t be ruined later.

There are no guarantees in life, in general. Staying at the same level may seem safe, but it’s rarely satisfying. Relationships have to grow and change in order to thrive. You might not end up in some fairy tale happy ending (hell, that might not be what you want) but standing still usually leads to a bad outcome.

Some of our insecurities come from childhood traumas, past abuse, traumatic events, and just shitty life experiences. They can’t be waved away with a wand. A lot of hard work has to go into dealing with a lot of what life hands us. Even when we have insecurities from a faulty brain that lies to us (believe me, I know), overcoming the things we believe about ourselves still isn’t easy.

Knowing your insecurities is half the battle. The other is working to overcome them as best as you can so they don’t ruin good, positive relationships.

Have you found that your insecurities get in the way of your kink or D/s relationships in other ways? How have you overcome them? Have you? Feel free to share in the comments or on social media!

Listener Questions Part 2 LB088

This week, we answer more questions from listeners and ramble – because that’s what we do.

In this episode:

  • This week’s sponsor is Ecstatic Relaxation by Vin Charles
  • This week’s question is from a listener who’s wife wants him to be dominant but can’t or won’t tell him what she wants or likes.
  • We love getting questions from our listeners and readers. Hopefully we help!
  • Feel free to email, reach out on social media, or send us a message on Fetlife.
  • We got a postcard!

Links from the show:

Check out Ecstatic Relaxation!

Join the Loving BDSM Community

4 Questions to Ask When You’re Struggling in Your D/s Relationship

Kinky Book Club

Support the show

Postcard Project

Kayla Lords on Fetlife

John Brownstone on Fetlife

Contact us!

Listen to the show:


Google Play

Your favorite podcast app!

4 Questions to Ask When You’re Struggling In Your D/s Relationship

Dear Kinkster-I-Respect,

My partner doesn’t like this/loves this/wishes for that. I think he’s right/wrong/weird. How do I make him like what I like? What do I do if he hates my kinks? Will I die alone?


Frazzled Kinkster

If you’ve ever been on the sending or receiving end of a message like this, you probably want divine intervention to fix the problem. As a long-time “fixer,” it’s certainly my instinct. How many times have we thought (about anything in our lives) that if someone would just do this One Thing, they’d be fine?

It’s easy to think that way, but rarely is it the right answer. What works for me won’t work for you. There are too many other variables – personality, economics, relationship status, life, work, kinks, kids, you name it.

John Brownstone and I receive a lot of questions from kinksters, new and established. We don’t think we have all the answers (who does?!) but we try to help. Most of the time, our “answers” aren’t concrete solutions. Our answer is to ask questions or to make suggestions. The “fix” is to answer those questions and decide what you’re willing to do with those answers.

So if you’re looking at a problem in your D/s relationship and you’re wondering how to fix it, here are our most common “solutions.” These are based on the initial question you might be asking yourself about your kinks, your partner, or your (future) relationships. Of course, once you start digging below the surface, the questions become more complex.

Have You Talked to Your Partner?

You’d be amazed at how many people have a thought about what they want their partner to do for/to them but forgot to mention it to their partner. In reality, they didn’t forget, they’re usually terrified. That’s understandable, especially if you’ve never mentioned your submissive/Dominant/switch needs.

The unknown is terrifying for some people. What your partner might say and how they might react are often huge sources of worry, no matter what your concern is. I wish there was a magic wand to make that part easier, but the only magic wand I have gives me orgasms, not solutions. The first step in solving your problem, dealing with your concern, or getting the kink you want in your life is to talk to your partner.

You’ve got to go out there and say the hard thing. Maybe write it down if squeezing the words past your throat is too difficult. But you can’t move forward until you tell your partner and deal with their reaction, good or bad.

Have You Listened to Your Partner?

Okay sure, you had a conversation and told your partner everything you want out of BDSM, D/s, and a kinky life. You feel great, especially now that it’s off your chest. They didn’t run screaming out of the room or call you a deviant. Good job.

Did you pay attention to their reaction or listen to their comments? I’ve received emails from plenty of kinksters who had the conversation and said what they needed and wanted but were shocked when their partner still wasn’t on board. Just because someone listened to you and didn’t cringe at every word doesn’t mean they’re ready to jump into kink with you. Listen to your partner. Watch their reaction. They may need more time to figure out how they feel about something.

If you notice or sense hesitation, let them know that this is a slow process (note to impatient kinksters: this is a slow process). Offer to show them books you’ve read, articles you’ve saved, and (ahem) podcasts you listen to you. Offer reassurance that you’re not looking for a change right this second.

Are You Sharing What You Know?

This one is for any kinkster but it seems most common when the person leading the transition to D/s or wanting something new is a submissive. Many of you are afraid of topping from the bottom or being too pushy. If your partner seems interested in D/s and specifically in being a Dominant, but they don’t know anything about it, you’ve got to share what you know.

Being a submissive who points your Dominant in the direction of good information isn’t being controlling. It’s serving your partner. You’re making sure they get the education they need so you both find happiness and fulfillment in your kink. And a big responsibility of submission (and Dominance, too) is to let your partner know what you need and want. The conversations you have about how you’d like D/s to work is your chance to share what you know and what you need.

On another note, beware the Dominant who expects a submissive to learn everything on your own. We all get better at kink and BDSM when we share our knowledge. It’s even more important when you’re establishing a relationship.

What Will You Do Next?

Some of the questions John Brownstone and I receive are from people who’ve done everything they can:

  • They talked to their partner multiple times.
  • They’ve listened to their partner and tried to accommodate their needs.
  • Everything they know has been shared, their expectations have adjusted, and they’ve tried to live with what little kink or the type of kink they can get.

After all that, they’re not getting what they need and are miserable, but they’re unsure of what to do. I can’t tell anyone what they’re supposed to do, and I won’t, because I don’t have to live with the outcome of those decisions. But I usually ask some variation of a few questions… Are you happy? Is this relationship meaningful enough to you without kink? Do you feel incomplete without the kink? Will your partner open up the relationship so you can explore what you need on your own?

If your answers, ultimately, are that you’re miserable, you see no path forward, and your kinks are more than just sex that you enjoy but who you are, I ask one more thing: what are you going to do next? Will you stay in the relationship and take what you can get? Will you end the relationship? What will you do?

Y’all, I can’t answer that for you. I know what I would do, but I live a different life. My point to this part of the “advice” we give is that you have a few options: live with it, stop complaining about it and do something, or keep complaining but do nothing (that last one isn’t productive but it is, unfortunately, common). What I want for people is to do the hard, scary things that lead to a more fulfilled life and relationship. But that’s a decision you have to make for yourself.

A D/s relationship can be fulfilling and loving, life-altering and life-affirming. Or it can be a slog through every insecurity you’ve ever had with a partner who doesn’t get it, isn’t enjoying it, or isn’t a good fit. The solution to our problems are unique to every individual, but the basics of trying to find a solution are universal. You have to talk, listen, share, and then decide where to go from there. There’s no timeline or right answer for any of it. Do what works for your life, your relationship, and your situation.

For anyone who’s gone through this (and that’s probably most of us), is there anything else you’ve asked yourself that helped you through it? Share with us!

Listener Questions Part 1 LB087

In episode 87, we lie about how short the episode will be and how many listener questions we can answer. Hint: we only finish answering one question.

There are no real show notes, but we do have links for you if you need them.

Links from the show:

BDSM: The Naked Truth by Dr. Charley Ferrer

Kink-E Magazine

Kinky Book Club

Buy us a virtual coffee

Postcard Project

Kayla Lords on Fetlife

John Brownstone on Fetlife

Contact us!

Listen to the show:


Google Play

Your favorite podcast app!

The 5 Love Languages and Your D/s Relationship LB086

This week, in episode 86, we’re talking about the concept of the five love languages, as found in the book The 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman, and how to apply them to your D/s relationship.

In this episode:

  • Our sponsor this week is Ecstatic Relaxation with Vin Charles. He’s got a special offer just for Loving BDSM listeners
  • John Brownstone aka The Wood Dom has a Father’s Day giveaway running through June 13, 2017.
  • New relationship energy or “in-love” obsession makes you act in ways you won’t once you come out of it. Dr. Chapman says it can take about two years.
  • We all have love tanks. When they’re on empty, resentment and anger build.
  • We each need to feel love in a different way, and it’s often not the way our partner needs to feel it.
  • You likely will have different primary love languages.
  • The five love languages are: Physical Touch, Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts.
  • If you’re not sure of your love language, think about how you prefer to express your love to your partner. That’s a big clue.
  • Most people have one primary love language, although it’s possible to have a second.
  • The act of loving someone is a choice, as is deciding to love someone according to their love language.
  • It requires work and you may have to learn new habits.
  • Using what someone needs to feel love to manipulate them is wrong.
  • Purposefully withholding your act of love is wrong.
  • Loving someone according to their specific language only works if it’s done because you want to and out of love.

Links from the show:

Show sponsor: Ecstatic Relaxation <===Click for a special offer!

Father’s Day Giveaway by John Brownstone

The 5 Love Languages: Book Review

5 Love Languages Profile

Remote Bullet Vibrator – use code XZUP8GOG to save 40{41b2ccad9c9615e377be815ad205595d71b5b6a7a02ca926ea5182d1112aa551} thru 9/30/17

Soft Bondage Rope – use code MFKLD42W to save 30{41b2ccad9c9615e377be815ad205595d71b5b6a7a02ca926ea5182d1112aa551} thru 8/31/17

Postcard Shout-outs: PandaDaddy and PandaKitten (Twitter), Mr. J and LaylaDoodle (Fetlife), and Ginny!

Kinky Book Club

Buy us a virtual coffee

Postcard Project

Kayla Lords on Fetlife

John Brownstone on Fetlife

Contact us!

Listen to the show:


Google Play

Your favorite podcast app!

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