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Crying Good Tears After Your Kinky Fuckery or Scene LB145

Thank you ChintzCurtain for requesting this week’s topic. The specific request was to discuss a Dominant’s perspective on making a submissive cry “good” tears. Good is based on perspective, but this is about the emotional release that some people might feel after a big scene, kinky fuckery they enjoy, or even an orgasm. We discussed the topic in a broader context than just the Dom’s point of view.

In this episode:

  • This week’s episode is sponsored by the Ersties Podcast.
  • Topic requested by ChintzCurtain who asked us to discuss a Dom’s perspective about the so-called “good tears” and being the cause of them.
  • It’s really a bigger topic than that.
  • Where do those tears come from?
  • What happens if you don’t get that emotional release?
  • How does a Dominant feel knowing they’ve made their submissive cry?
  • Does everyone cry?

Links from the show:

6 Reactions You Might Experience in a BDSM Scene (blog post)

Ersties PodcastErsties on Twitter

Subscribe on YouTube

Become a patron on Patreon

Support the show

Postcard Project

Kayla Lords on Fetlife

John Brownstone on Fetlife

Contact us!

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Your favorite podcast app!

6 Reactions You Might Experience in a BDSM Scene

Let’s start off with a few points of clarification on this one.

One: Not everyone has a big reaction (emotional or otherwise) during their BDSM scene or kinky fuckery. And that’s okay. You can still have a great time and not emote all over the place.

Two: Some emotional reactions happen later and in private. That’s okay, too.

Three: Having or not having a specific reaction is not an indicator of the quality, intensity, or pleasure of your BDSM scene.

That being said at times some people will and do have different kinds of big reactions during their kinky fuckery. Some are about your personality and how you tend to react to stimuli. Others may be about what’s on your mind or your emotional state before or during your scene. And still other reactions may seem completely random in the moment and are new to you.

Basically, what I’m saying is that’s it complicated, it varies from person to person and scene to scene, and as always, your mileage may vary.

All that being said, here are some emotional reactions that can happen when you get kinky.

Crying

This may be the most well-known, but playing in an intense way with any kind of kinky fuckery like  orgasm control, spankings, or anything else can produce tears. Everyone will have a different reason (if they even know why they’re crying). For me, it’s often a huge emotional release. Whatever tension I’ve been carrying around in my body comes out through the force of impact and pain.

Often it’s because I have to focus on the moment, the sensations, and what I feel in that second — instead of all the crap in my head. A few moments of mindfulness, pleasure, and feeling connected to John Brownstone, and I might be a puddle of tears. But it doesn’t just because I want it to happen. I’ve asked to be spanked until I cried and while I felt better, not a tear was shed.

Laughter

Some people react with laughter when they have an intense moment or feel overwhelming pleasure. I’ve heard it before in someone else’s scene, and it sounds like pure joy bubbling up to the surface from a deep well. Even if it’s a little jarring to hear in a BDSM club filled with implements of “torture,” it’s also amazing to witness. Laughter is just as valid as tears, and can be a similar release of emotion and tension.

Some kinksters enjoy tickle play for exactly this reason. Yes, there’s power and control, but there’s also laughter. And that can be an amazing emotional release.

Defiance

I can’t fully explain this one (I’ll leave that to the psychological experts out there) but I have absolutely felt defiant in the middle of a scene. I wanted what we were doing, and I fully consented to the moment. And yes, I loved the sensations. But instead of melting into pleasure or crying out my stress, I pushed back.

  • “Is that all you’ve got?”
  • “I can take it.”
  • Refusing to say “red” or even “yellow” when I was starting to fade.

I’ve never entered a scene planning to “take it all” but somewhere between the first smack and probably the third, it’s all I can think about. This feeling of, “I’ll win this round.” John Brownstone has reared back like a baseball player with a paddle, and I’ve smirked and said, “Green” like it was some sort of challenge. Thankfully, he’s smarter and more cautious than I am and stops sooner rather than later.

Subspace

No conversation about emotional reactions in a BDSM scene is complete without subspace. Not everyone experiences it, and those of us who have don’t feel it every time. The stars, your body chemistry, and the moment have to align just right. What I do know is that the more you stress and worry over it, the less likely it is to happen.

Scening to get into subspace can be a recipe for disaster. The point is to do something that feels good, makes you want more, or gives you something that you need. Subspace is an extra layer of icing on an already delicious kinky cake. And while a good portion of the response is physical — endorphins, dopamine, and all that — for some, there’s definitely an emotional component.

Dom or Top Space

Not to leave out Dominants, Dom space (or Top space) is also a legitimate thing. Like subspace, it shouldn’t be the goal or the point, and you can’t predict it. John Brownstone describes it has a hyperawareness and absolute focus on the moment, me, and what he’s doing. More so than normal.

Like subspace, it’s caused by a chemical reaction in the body and brain. When it happens, John Brownstone is wired for the rest of the night and crashes the next day, absolutely exhausted. Why? Because what goes up must come down.

Panic or Fear

Not all BDSM scenes go as planned, and we don’t always have the reaction we think we will — Dom or sub. It’s not unusual to start a scene, do something, and safeword, panic, or feel like you can’t handle it. The most important part of this moment is that your partner stops all play. (Yes, it can happen to a Dominant too, and yes, a submissive needs to respect the needs of their partner.)

Why it happens depends on so many factors. Did you hit a boundary or hard limit you didn’t know you had? Do you have anxiety or suffer from panic attacks? Was it a bad tape or a trigger from another time? You don’t even have to know why it happened. It’s still a valid response and no, you’re not broken or wrong.

Are these every single reaction someone could have in a scene or during kinky fuckery? Of course not. Will you experience all or any of them in your own scene? Not necessarily. But it’s also important to know that it can happen so when it does, you don’t think there’s something wrong with you.

In episode 145 of the Loving BDSM podcast, we’re going to discuss a “common” reaction that people seek out or talk about most: the “good” kind of tears as an emotional release.

Have you had different emotional reactions in a scene before? Do you do certain things to help yourself or your partner through these reactions? Share your thoughts with us in the comments below or talk to us on Twitter!

4 Risks We’ve Taken in BDSM — Before and After We Knew Better

For some people, risky sex is hot as hell. It turns them on, makes the sex better, and makes them feel alive. For people like me (who live in a near constant state of anxiety), the idea of a risk is enough to make me hyperventilate. At best, it stresses me out, and I worst, I run and hide from it, even if it’s a relatively “safe” risk. But that doesn’t mean  neither I nor John Brownstone haven’t engaged in risky behavior in the past.

We didn’t do it for the rush or because it turned us on. Depending on when it happened, we either didn’t know any better or (and this is a big one), we knew the risks and let our intuition guide us.

Meeting a New Dominant in Your Home

The first time John Brownstone came to see me, we met in my home. Sure, I knew the safety measure of meeting in a public place and letting someone know where I was going. This was a time when I ignored that rule because my instinct said everything was okay. This doesn’t mean that my instincts couldn’t have been wrong, but after months of speaking, multiple phone calls, pictures, and never being lied to, I felt safe.

It helped that he offered to meet anywhere else. He was fine not knowing where I lived until later. We both hoped everything would work out, but he was willing to back down if it didn’t feel comfortable. Knowing all of that — and seeing how consistent he’d been for the past five months — I felt safe. I know myself, so I know that without all of that reassurance, I wouldn’t have felt the same way. But if I didn’t feel safe, I wouldn’t have wanted him to come visit me, either.

And always the Daddy Dom, he lectured me about it during the planning and later.

Not Having Your Own Place To Go

In long distance D/s relationships, the only time you can be together is when one (or both) of you travels some distance away from home. This means you need a hotel room or to stay at their place (or in a mutual hotel room). When you’re new to each other, the least risky option is to have your own place. That way, if you get a bad vibe or the chemistry isn’t there, you have your own space to retreat to.

Both with my first Dominant and John Brownstone I broke this rule. I’m not advocating for anyone to do this. I can look back on it now, with my first Dom, and see why it was a HORRIBLE idea. We meshed well, but what if it we hadn’t? Where would I have gone? It literally never occurred to me as I got in the car and drove to see him for that first weekend. Assuming I could have gotten out safely, I guess I would have driven the seven hours back home. But I honestly don’t know.

Scening During Your First Meeting

In a BDSM club, people meet, negotiate, and play sometimes upon first meeting. But from what I’ve seen that’s rare unless your club is known as a hook-up scene. My local scene isn’t like that. People don’t usually play with people they just meet. They chat at munches, get to know each other, and (usually) ask around first.

In relationships (especially those that start online), it really should be the same way. Sure, you’ve talked online or over the phone, but you don’t know how a person acts in public until you’re there with them. It’s not uncommon to get a weird or bad vibe from someone who seemed perfectly fine over the phone.

Aaaand yes, I completely ignored that rule, too. In my first D/s relationship, it was pure subfrenzy that did it. I’d never submitted before, and I was more than eager to do whatever. Thankfully, he started slowly. With John Brownstone, we were so eager for each other that we jumped right into it, and it’s still one of the very few times I used my safeword. He truly spanked me too hard, and I didn’t like it.

But what if he’d been the kind of person to ignore a safeword? What if my first Dominant had insisted we start hard and heavy? Knowing what I know how, I don’t play with anyone until I’ve seen them in action, hung around with them, and done a lot of talking.

Not Knowing the Risks of Kinky Sex Toys

Kinky toys are fun and good and can make you feel all kinds of good things, but they’re only fun as long as you use them properly. We talk all the time about practicing your flogging and paddling on a pillow or yourself before hitting another person. Anyone who hit the too-high setting on a vibrator knows how intense that can be, especially if it’s an unpleasant sensation.

Even the most benign sex toy can feel bad if not used properly or just in a way you don’t like. Before you try something new, test it out. Every thing John Brownstone hits me with goes across his arm or thigh and then my arm or thigh, before ever coming in contact with my ass. With bondage, he constantly checks to make sure it fits, isn’t too tight, or that my extremities aren’t cold or tingling. Because your toys become a lot less fun when they don’t feel good.

Back in the day, when John Brownstone was still learning, he tried nipple clamps right out of the package without doing his homework. Clamps are fun, but you can’t leave them on forever (no matter what porn says). Cutting off circulation to any part of the body for too long is extremely risky and can turn pleasant pain into something unbearable. Thankfully, he learned that lesson before he met me.

Only You Can Decide What Feels Too Risky

As long as you’re a consenting and legal adult, you get to decide what risks you’ll take or not. While we caution everyone to play safe, this is your life, and only you can decide what you will and won’t do. The important thing, I think, is to make a fully-informed decision. Understand the risks first, and then break the “rules” because you’ve got all the information.

If John Brownstone (and my first Dom) had triggered my spidey-senses and not earned my trust, I wouldn’t have met them in the first place. But not everyone trusts their instincts that way. Some people are so eager to play and get kinky, they ignore their own intuition.

So the first rule of doing risky things is to be the type of person who listens to your gut. That will often tell you whether you’re taking too big of a risk.

If you know you usually end up in bad situations, the best thing to do is play it safe. Realize what the risks are and avoid them. No, we can’t avoid all risks in life. But we don’t have to put ourselves in front of an oncoming train, either.

Yes, go out and have kinky adventures! But also, be smart and safe about it. Don’t say yes to first person who offers kinky fun unless you understand the risks involved and feel comfortable with the person and the risks. It’s okay to decline and walk away. I promise you, this isn’t the only person who will ever make the offer to get kinky with you.

Okay, it’s your turn. What risks have you taken, now or when you first learned about BDSM? And would you do them again? Share in the comments below or talk to us on Twitter!

Kink of the Week logo

Supporting Dominants Through Tough Moments LB144

Everyone (on either side of the slash) goes through tough moments. In a power exchange, it can be difficult to know how to help or what to do when you’re a submissive. This doesn’t mean Dominants shouldn’t or can’t support their submissives. Support should happen from both sides. A stereotype persists about how strong or stoic Doms are supposed to be,  which means submissives might not realize their Dom needs help, and Dominants might not easily accept help.

In this episode:

  • Check out our sponsor: Delirium Toys
  • Enter our 3rd anniversary giveaway!
  • Buy some kinky fuckery at our shop and save!
  • Doms have a responsibility to “take care” of their submissives. That can be overt like in a Caregiver/little dynamic or something more subtle as in satisfying needs.
  • We’ve talked in the past about both sides having responsibilities to each other — as a healthy relationship and in D/s.
  • This is about when Doms (who often think they’re supposed to project an air of toughness) go through their own tough times and what it’s like to be the submissive helping them through it.

Links from the show:

Adding a Tough Love Clause to Your D/s Relationship (episode 9)

Enter the Loving BDSM Giveaway

The Kinky Fuckery Shop – Use code NEWSHOP to save 10 percent (August 2018 only)

Delirium Toys – Use code LOVEBDSM2018 to save 30 percent (August 2018 only)

The Wood Dom – Use code NEWSHOP to save 10 percent (August 2018 only)

Subscribe on YouTube

Become a patron on Patreon

Support the show

Postcard Project

Kayla Lords on Fetlife

John Brownstone on Fetlife

Contact us!

Listen to the show:

iTunes

Google Play

Spotify

Your favorite podcast app!

6 Ways Submissives Can Support Their Dominants in Tough Situations

In the BDSM world, at least our corner of it, we spend a lot of time talking about what Dominants can and should do for their submissives. That makes sense. Many submissives have consensual rules, protocols, and/or tasks to follow so they know exactly what they need to do for their Dominant.

This isn’t that conversation.

This is what you can do for your Dominant when they’re low energy, going through something tough, or just not feeling quite themselves. The default for many of us (*raises hand*) is to panic, worry, and think the worst.

There are better and more practical ways to support your Dominant.

As always, your experiences will vary and some Dominants may or may not find these things helpful.

Acknowledge Their Struggle

Sometimes what we want most is to be seen, to know our partner recognizes that we’re in a bad place and not ourselves. “You seem down” or “Are you feeling okay?” can mean more than we realize sometimes. Try not to make assumptions about what’s wrong, and when in doubt, just ask.

I’ve heard plenty of “I’m fine” or “It’s nothing.” If my instinct is screaming at me that something isn’t right, I push back a little. Dominants tend to believe (falsely) that they have to be strong every moment of the day. What we need more than strength is honesty.

Ask What You Can Do

It’s easy to think we know exactly what our partner needs. Sometimes we do because this is an old problem rearing it’s ugly head. Ask how you can help. Maybe they know, maybe they don’t. But sometimes asking that question can open up the discussion. It also allows your Dominant space to be vulnerable.

“I don’t know” isn’t an answer I want from John Brownstone, but it’s also one that allows me to offer solutions if he’s willing to hear them. Sometimes that little bit of back and forth works as a brainstorming session and we come up with an idea together.

Try Not to Assume the Worst

I’ve found myself (too recently) imagining that the problem is me, that he doesn’t want to be my Dominant anymore, and that somehow I’ve wrecked things. It’s all crap of course, but that doesn’t keep my anxious brain from spinning out of control. Sometimes our Dominants aren’t ready to talk. Maybe they don’t even know what’s bothering them or why they’re stressed. A lot of the times, they know exactly what’s wrong but don’t think talking will help.

Until and unless your Dominant tells you that you’re the problem, try not to go down this path. You aren’t an effective helper when you do, and you create extra friction and worry for almost no reason. As long as your D/s relationship is mostly good, solid, and healthy, it’s not all your fault — even if your relationship is what they don’t want to talk about.

Respect Their Boundaries

Maybe it’s because I’m a babygirl or maybe it’s because I have the fixer personality (I want to fix every problem), but I tend to trample on John Brownstone’s boundaries when I’m worried about him. No, this isn’t okay. Yes, I need to do better. But I do it because I’m worried about him and need reassurance.

When he says he’s not ready to talk through a problem or that he doesn’t really want to think about it, I have to respect that. This is a moment to be patient, give your partner some time, and calm down. Pushing and pushing because you “need to know” or you’re sure you know what the problem is only makes things worse. Ask me how I know.

Know Some Problems are Unsolvable

I want every stress, problem, or worry to have a fix. But that just doesn’t happen. Sometimes it’s their health — mental or physical. Other times it’s money, work, bills, kids, or something else. I believe that talking about problems can help (just ask my therapist). But not everyone does, and not everyone wants to talk when you’re ready to listen.

So yes, sometimes your Dominant has to go through something tough. They have to be stressed, sick, hurt, or unhappy. And you have to let them work through it in their own time and their own way. That this is difficult has less to do with you being a submissive and more to do with caring about your Dom. But sometimes all you can do is be there as a comforting presence, let them know you care about them, and wait.

Do What You’re Supposed To Do

This one is completely situational, but in my experience, it helps both you and your Dominant. Do your tasks. Follow your rules. Keep things going as much as you can. If the situation is too chaotic or your entire relationship has been overtaken by whatever is going on, this might not be possible. But when your Dom is the one out of commission, and you’re still mostly normal, be the submissive they depend on. As much as you can be.

It’s easy to think that your Dom doesn’t care because they’re not checking in or they’re not acknowledging what you’re doing. But sometimes seeing you go about your submissive life reminds them of what life can be like. They may be in a dark place where they think nothing matters and the D/s isn’t important to anyone. And there you are, following your tasks, keeping your protocols, and being your best submissive self.

It won’t always be the right solution, but even if it doesn’t solve everything (and sometimes nothing will), it might help you feel better, too.

From experience I know that every situation will need different solutions — from me and from John Brownstone. But the majority of these options don’t fail, and they tend to keep the lines of communication open. The hardest lesson to learn here is patience because sometimes the only thing that helps is time.

How have you supported your Dominant through tough times in the past? Share in the comments below or talk to us on Twitter!

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