LovingBDSM

The Loving BDSM Podcast

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Why You Need to Say the Thing You’re Dreading

That thing you want to say but don’t think you should say? You know…the one that might hurt your partner’s feelings or dredge up bad tapes? Hell, maybe it’s going to make them angry.

Those things have to be said. Maybe not immediately, but at some point, you’ve got to have that conversation.

We’ve talked about the difficult conversations you need to have in your D/s relationship before. Everyone goes through them and has to face some version of it.

But there’s more to it than “because we said so.” (That’s almost never a good reason for anything, unless you’re a sadistic D who likes to watch your submissive squirm, of course.)

Let’s talk about all the reasons why you need to have those conversations.

You Learn How to Manage Conflict

Maybe you deal with conflict at work or with your kids. You’re probably thinking you know all about it. Well…probably not. Most of us (myself included) don’t deal well with conflict. In a D/s relationship, where there’s a clear power exchange it should (in theory) be easy, but it’s not.

  • A submissive doesn’t want to be seen as topping from the bottom.
  • Dominants (some not all) don’t want to be viewed as coddling, spoiling, or giving in. Conversely, they might not want to be seen as an asshole.
  • Saying what you need to say might cause an argument and things are so damn good right now.

Sound familiar? Yeah, we know.

When you say the hard thing, you learn how to talk to each other outside of the good times. You have to speak and listen in order to find common ground. Even better, you discover (over time, after many of these conversations) how the other typically reacts to things they don’t want to hear. These things help you communicate better and more clearly.

You Grow Together

Let’s face it. In the beginning of a D/s relationship, things can feel almost perfect. You’re getting the kinky fuckery you’ve been dreaming about. You get to be the person you’ve always felt you were — Dominant or submissive or both. Maybe you’re discovering new things about yourself and your partner.

It feels fucking good, doesn’t it?

Avoiding the difficult topics and things on your mind might feel like a way to keep everything good, but it’s just the opposite.

Part of how we learn and grow as individuals and in a relationship is by going through harder times. Sometimes it’s a trial by fire and the absolute worst gets thrown our way, but most of the time, it’s learning how to navigate the smaller conflicts.

Avoid that, and you miss out on opportunities to grow closer, learn more about each other, and find out how strong you can be together.

Not Communicating Breeds Resentment

We’ve all had that boss, teacher, or authority figure that we wanted to give a piece of our mind to. Maybe we wanted to say, “Fuck you, motherfucker!” Or maybe we just wanted to tell them how wrong they were. Whatever it was, we weren’t in a position to say something.

Once you’ve got something to say and don’t (or can’t) but you have to witness the same behavior over and over again, something happens. You begin to resent the hell out of them.

It might be a low level resentment, and you don’t show as much respect as you once did. Or it’s a deep resentment, and you hate being around them, can’t stand the sight of them, and think only the worst about them.

That kind of resentment grows in relationships, too. Think about past vanilla relationships that didn’t end well. Somewhere in there is probably a moment you really needed to say something and didn’t. How did that go for you? Not good, right?

This week, in episode 129, we’ll talk more about the how and why of having the tough conversations and why you can’t avoid them forever.

The Basics of Tail Butt Plugs

It’s Kink of the Week time again, and we’re (finally!) participating again. The prompt this go-round is “tails.” John Brownstone loves the look of them, but I’ve never worn one — mostly because we don’t have one. *Insert pouty face here* And if you’re thinking “tails” as in a tuxedo, I’m gonna need you to put your mind in the gutter with the rest of us.

If you’ve only ever seen tail butt plugs while perving your porn of choice or you only use a very specific type for your very specific kink, you might not know what they are or what all your options are. Consider this a very basic primer on wearing a tail butt plug. We encourage anyone with more experience to add a comment below or talk to us on Twitter!

A Tail is a Type of Butt Plug

To be very clear, a tail is simply a butt plug with a tail attached. Once the plug is in your body, all that can be seen is your protruding, dangling, fluffy, or swooshy tail. Whatever reason you decide to wear a tail (more on that in a minute), it’s first and foremost a butt plug, so you’ve got to consider that as well as the style of tail you choose.

With anything that goes in your butt, size definitely matters. Complete newbies need a small plug and plenty of patience because it could take a while before you can comfortably wear your tail. If you’ve had some experience with anal — a finger, anal toys, dildos, cocks, etc — go with a size that doesn’t scare the hell out of you. You’re also going to need plenty of lube. This isn’t an option if you want your tail to be even remotely comfortable.

You may need to be careful in the application of your lube to avoid getting it in your tail, though. But don’t skimp on this step. The rule about lube and anal is that more is always better.

Picking Your Tail

Like everything else we do in kink, there is no right answer to the type of tail you choose. Think about what turns you on, what you like, and what you want to accomplish with your tail.

Do you have a specific pet play kink you want to explore? Look for a tail that fits your kinks.

Are you using a certain pet-like name/label/title? Bunny, Foxy, Puppy, Kitten, something?  You don’t have to identify with the animal side of pet play to enjoy a tail.

Do you want to feel a swish when you crawl or play? You’re going to want to look for a fox, pony, unicorn, or some other long, furry tail for the swish. And if you don’t want to feel the swish, a bunny or even dog tail may be what you need.

Got a favorite color? Many tails come in decidedly “natural” colors, but many tails are available in a rainbow of colors.

Looking for a fun way to incorporate anal play? Choose whatever looks like it might be fun.

It’s easy to feel a lot of pressure to pick the “perfect” sex toy — tails or otherwise. Look for sales and deals so you don’t feel like you’re wasting your money. But also don’t let it feel like The Most Important Thing Ever, either. What looks good to you? Buy that.

But if you’re really clueless on choosing sex toys, avoid plugs made of jelly, rubber,  and TPR/TPE. Look for glass, metal, and silicone. There are other materials out there, but those three are the most common and safest.

Types of Tails

This list isn’t exhaustive, and you may find a specialty shop (online or in person) that offers something else, but for the absolute basics, here are your tail options:

  • Bunny
  • Pony
  • Unicorn (typically just a pony tail marketed as a unicorn tail, but it makes me happy so I’m including it)
  • Wolf
  • Fox
  • Cat
  • Dog
  • Raccoon
  • Pig
  • Devil (not an animal, but both cool and hilarious)

Whether it’s because you’ve got a kink for it or because you want to make your butt wiggle look even better than it already does, a tail can be a fun toy to try. I’ve worn plenty of butt plugs, and it’s a take it or leave it thing for me. But the pastel purple unicorn/pony tails make my babygirl heart sit up and take notice soooo…yeah, I’d totally wear one.

What is Your BDSM Safety Philosophy? LB128

This week we’re talking about staying safe in BDSM, thanks to a topic suggestion from Little Rara. She asked us to discuss SSC, RACK, and PRICK. Earlier this week, we discussed the basics of those three concepts. Now we’re talking about the topic of safety and BDSM.

In this episode:

  • This week’s episode is a suggestion from Little Rara from Twitter
  • SSC, RACK, and PRICK
  • Your safety philosophy might change over time.
  • It’s one way to communicate safety with a potential partner. But believing in the same method isn’t the end of the conversation.
  • You can also believe in alternate safety philosophies from a partner and still find common ground.
  • SSC, RACK, and PRICK get people riled up, but they don’t have to be.

Links from the show:

Safety in BDSM: Understanding SSC, RACK, and PRICK (blog post)

Support the show

Postcard Project

Kayla Lords on Fetlife

John Brownstone on Fetlife

Contact us!

Listen to the show:

iTunes

Google Play

Your favorite podcast app!

Safety in BDSM: Understanding SSC, RACK, and PRICK

As much fun as BDSM can be — in or out of a D/s relationship — it’s also inherently risky. We fuck with each other’s minds and bodies in ways that take us to the edge of our limits and our physical and mental comfort. Thinking about safety as a kinkster is extremely important.

There are three common safety philosophies in BDSM: SSC, RACK, and PRICK. Like everything else we do in kink, the one you follow is up to you. Plenty of people (John Brownstone and myself included) stay with the old school “safe, sane, and consensual” but it’s definitely not the only method. Whatever you choose to follow, you need to understand what it means and how it relates to you and your (potential) partners. Ultimately, you need to choose whatever speaks to your style and philosophy about safety.

Safe, Sane, and Consensual or SSC

SSC, most commonly known as safe, sane, and consensual is the original in terms of keeping your kinky fuckery on the right path. For those of us who follow SSC, we ask ourselves three questions:

Is our kinky thing safe to do?

Is it a sane thing to do?

Do we consent to it?

In order for SSC to work, both partners have to agree on what’s safe and what’s sane. This works wonderfully when you and your partner are on the same page, feel the same way about things, and have a similar worldview on kink. When you don’t, it can lead to confusion (which is where good communication comes in). But if SSC doesn’t work for you or feels too vague, you’ve got other options.

Risk-Aware Consensual Kink or RACK

RACK or Risk-Aware Consensual Kink was created as a response to those who felt that SSC was too damn vague and confusing. Who’s version of “safe” or “sane” are we talking about? What if I think something is insane but you think it’s perfectly rational? Who wins that argument?

Enter RACK which lays things out more specifically.

Risk-aware: Simply put you’re “aware of the risk” but I’d say it should go further than that. You should be able to name said risks and know how to prevent them.

Consensual: Everyone is on board with what you’re about to do or what you’re currently doing.

Kink: The thing, activity, power exchange, scene, or moment — your kinky fuckery

If you’re new to RACK but you like it, use this like a checklist. Can you name the risks? Are you both able to affirm your consent to each other? Do you understand exactly what event/activity is about to take place?

Personal Responsibility, Informed, Consensual Kink or PRICK

You’re not a prick if you follow PRICK. (‘Cause I’m sure no one has ever heard that joke before, amirite?) PRICK is the next evolution beyond RACK. It stands for Personal Responsibility, Informed, Consensual Kink and was developed as a response to make it clear that all kinksters should take personal responsibility for their kink. Informed means (or implies) that you understand what is about to happen — risks and all. Consensual kink is what we’re all looking for. The idea being that if you take personal responsibility for yourself and you’re informed, now you can have some consensual kink.

We’re not going to tell you which one is the “right one” to follow. Many kinksters feel very strongly about their safety protocols, whether it’s SSC, RACK, or PRICK, which leads to some heated debates. Talking about the merits (and the shortcomings) of each philosophy are fine (preferred even) but we should all be free to choose what works best for us.

Thanks to Little Rara for this week’s topic suggestion. You can hear more about SSC, RACK, and PRICK and what we think in episode 128.

Dom Drop and Aftercare LB127

We sent out a request for topic ideas specific to Dominants and Twitter delivered. Thanks to DomSigns (our friend and tech savior) for giving us the idea to discuss Dom drop and aftercare for Dominants. It’s a topic we’ve touched on before but not in a way that focuses on a Dominant’s needs.

In this episode:

  • This week’s episode is a suggestion from DomSigns (one of our favorite human beings) from Twitter – thanks to a request for ideas on Twitter for Dom-focused episodes, we’ve got several to consider and add to our topic list.
  • Dom drop is real.
  • Doms need aftercare, too — even if it’s different from what a submissive needs.
  • Drop doesn’t make you any less Dominant.
  • Drop happens for multiple reasons — we wrote a blog post listing three but there are plenty more reasons.

Links from the show:

3 Reasons Why Dom Drop Happens

Dealing with Drop for Subs and Doms (episode 39)

Dom Drop (by John Brownstone)

Support the show

Postcard Project

Kayla Lords on Fetlife

John Brownstone on Fetlife

Contact us!

Listen to the show:

iTunes

Google Play

Your favorite podcast app!

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