LovingBDSM

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Sex in a Minefield: Eating Disorders and Kink

Please help us welcome B. Mercy to the blog today. This is the first of two pieces she’s written about eating disorders and kink. Read the second part here.

Through tears, I told my then-boyfriend, “You shouldn’t even be with me!”

My unforgivable transgression?  Gaining 5 pounds. I believed that being fat was the worst thing that could ever happen to me. Fat was a sin and stain that ruined me and anyone romantically/sexually with me.

There’s being over dramatic, shallow, hard on yourself… But this was pathological. I had an eating disorder, and I was in crisis. But my partner and I didn’t recognize that at the time. Because after all, I did have issues with weight. Heavy people are pressured to be ‘attentive’ about their weight problems. The unfortunate realities about how our society treats body shape can insidiously mask the dangerous thoughts and behaviors of eating disorders.

What is an Eating Disorder (ED)?

Eating disorders are a set of diagnosable mental health disorders. But for everyday people, it can be hard to realize that there is a problem to diagnose. What a ‘disturbed eating behavior’ qualifies as can be a tricky question. It isn’t as easy to know when someone is ‘abusing’ food as it is to know when someone is abusing heroin.

A key sign is someone abusing themselves. Being overweight, even having associated health problems, doesn’t mean that someone is less of a person. It is never healthy to hate oneself or what one looks like. A person in ED crisis takes out their internal bad feelings on very controlled or anxious behaviors regarding food, exercise, or appearance. In the tragic worst cases, these thoughts and behaviors can spiral out of control. They cause permanent damage or even death. In short: this shit is serious.

If any of this sounds like you or your partner: take it seriously. You’re not going to fix this alone. Get yourself/your partner help.

Who Can Have an ED?

ED has been painted as a ‘thin white girl disease’. This isn’t true. Anyone can have the bad mix of negative thoughts and unhealthy behaviors that make up an ED. A top, bottom, sadist, masochist, slave, Master/Mistress, spanko, furry etc. can all have an ED. They can be muscular, curvaceous, skinny, obese, thin, average, whatever. What a person looks like has nothing to do with how they feel about their body or how those feelings influence unhealthy behaviors.

I have friends from all over the wonderful spectrum of sizes, genders, colors, identities, and kinks that are recovering from ED.  But those who don’t match the ‘classic’ ED image tend to feel like they don’t have an opening to discuss their struggles.

It’s Not About Weight

An ED won’t be ‘solved’ if a person achieves their supposed ‘ideal’ shape. To people with ED, fat isn’t ‘fat’.  It’s ‘failure’ and ‘unworthiness’.  To us, a body is a manifestation of insecurities. We believe that if we exert ‘enough’ control, punish that body ‘enough’, erase physical flaws, then we’ll erase the internal flaws we fear. Naturally, it doesn’t work that way. For all the terrible effort and stress we endure, we only become more unhealthy. The pain only worsens.

Mental wellness is as important as physical health. Body shape does not determine worth. Everyone and anyone is attractive, valuable, and worthy of love. We all deserve to feel safe and happy in our own skin.

Eating Disorders and Kink

Sex and eating disorders?

A minefield.

Someone with ED has a complex relationship with their body. Sharing it with someone else exponentially adds to those challenges.

Kink and eating disorders?

A Mad Max post-apocalypse landscape.

EDs are rooted in anxieties about our internal selves, expressed through unhealthy control over our bodies. BDSM is rooted in pleasurable control while engaging mindfully with our bodies and internal selves. There’s a lot of potential for kink to help people with EDs heal or for things to go disastrously. Those seeking to heal from ED and those seeking to help should be mindful about the risky areas and potential aids while having an awesome kinky time.

Scening and Sex

Someone with ED may not want their body seen during sex. They might not want to see their partner’s body either. They might feel uncomfortable performing scenes in dungeons. Blindfolds can help in these situations. The first time I was bound in a dungeon full of strangers with my (curvaceous) ass exposed, a blindfold helped me feel safe.

For those with a history of binging, things involving the mouth can be problematic. Our gag reflexes are overly sensitive. I can’t do gags or give oral sex. It sucks. I love gags. I love to serve my Dominant with my mouth.  But this doesn’t have to be a ‘never’ limit. It may take time, patience, and support to slowly overcome this issue. I’ve worked my way up to licking hard cock. Next step, light sucking. All while my Dominant is patient, (damn) grateful for, and very proud of my efforts. After knowing everything I’ve been through, it means so much more to him when I give his cock little kisses.

Many issues can arise when someone with an ED becomes physically or emotionally intimate. To those with ED: be honest with yourself and your partner about limits and triggers. To partners: if you have concerns about your partner, tell them.

From there, support and honesty matter most. If you are a partner, aim to compliment your partner for who they are or how they make you feel, not their appearance per se. Tell them how much their submission or dominance means to you. How wet or hard they make you. How they drive you wild. How goddamn drop-dead sexilicious they are. How smart, witty, charming they are.

You Can Get There

Patience with oneself, support from partners, and a strong dose of orgasms and play can heal much. The more I’ve immersed in my kinks, the better Dominants I’ve had, the better I have felt about myself and my body. I weigh more than ever, but I feel sexy and strong. I’m no longer afraid or in pain—except under extremely kinky and consensual circumstances.

About B. Mercy

Bittersweet Mercy is a bi and bold millennial who tries to save the world under one name by day and at night writes, performs stand up, and plays under aliases.  This summer she will be starting a new life in the DC area and looks forward to introducing new friends to her one-eyed tuxedo cat.

There’s No Such Thing as Perfect LB135

We’re back from vacation and glad to be back on the podcast! The time away is good, but we always miss this. This week, we’re talking about the lack of perfection in any relationship, D/s or otherwise. Most of us know this on a certain level. The problem is that the fantasy of our “perfect” D/s life can never live up to the reality. And the reality can be so much better once we stop worrying about perfection.

In this episode:

  • Join us on Patreon for as little as $1 per month.
  • Even the best relationships have their moments where things are far from perfect
  • We have quirks that annoy each other.
  • Everyone gets into arguments and disagreements.
  • Basing what you want in a D/s relationship on what other people have sets you up for disappointment. Be careful with “#relationshipgoals” hopes for your own D/s.
  • Kink slows down, so does sex, depending on what’s going on in your life.
  • It’s easy to think the whole relationship is doomed because of a single mistake, problem, or imperfection.
  • Expecting perfection out of yourself or your partner sets you up for major disappointment. Mistakes will happen. It’s up to you how you handle those mistakes. It’s not much different than putting your partner up on a pedestal.
  • No relationship is perfect, but you can be perfect for each other.

Links from the show:

6 Things That Still Happen in Solid D/s Relationships

Disagreements in D/s Relationships (podcast episode)

Become a patron on Patreon

Support the show

Postcard Project

Kayla Lords on Fetlife

John Brownstone on Fetlife

Contact us!

Listen to the show:

iTunes

Google Play

Your favorite podcast app!

6 Things That Still Happen in Solid D/s Relationships

Show of hands — who’s looked at a D/s relationship (or any other flavor of relationship) and thought, “Hashtag relationship goals!” I know I have.

It’s easy to imagine what life will be like once we find the “perfect” Dominant or submissive partner or when we fully transition from vanilla to kink. But reality has a way of catching up with that image we build in our mind.

We’ve talked about disagreements and arguments in the past, and they happen in every relationship. But there are other small things that happen. They don’t mean your relationship is failing, only that there’s no such thing as perfect.

Here are six things that happen even in the most solid and seemingly “perfect” D/s relationships.

You Forget to Communicate

It doesn’t matter how much you remind yourself that you need to communicate, it’s easy to fall back on old habits. John Brownstone and I both find ourselves not saying what’s on our mind when we should. Thankfully when it happens, we speak up as soon as we realize what’s going on. Or we “force” the other to talk. Sometimes apologies have to be made, and sometimes we need to reconnect.

You Hate Something About Them

I hate the sound of John Brownstone’s chewing if I’m not also eating. Yes, that’s really specific and no, I don’t know why either. He hates that I keep lights on in every room. Sometimes we laugh about them, and sometimes we don’t. Yes, we’ve gotten into arguments over a stupid little thing that doesn’t actually matter much. As long as these things are small and don’t send you into constant rages,  it’s probably fine.

One Of You Doesn’t Admit the Truth

I don’t like to call this a “lie” in the hurting, manipulative sense. These are usually lies of omission. You think you’re doing the right thing and not telling your partner something hurtful. Maybe you think it’s unimportant. You know you’ve done wrong when the truth comes out, and your Dom or sub isn’t happy with you. As long as it’s not a habit, not manipulative, and not harmful, you’re probably okay. As with all things, how you handle it and what you do after matters most.

You’ll Take Each Other For Granted

We don’t want to think it’ll happen, but eventually, you’ll probably take your partner for granted. They always do a thing for you, or they’re always there. Yes you love them and appreciate what they do, but you’ll forget for a moment. Maybe you don’t say “thank you” enough or you begin to make assumptions. Like communication, this is completely fixable once you realize what’s happening. Apologize, show gratitude, and ask what your partner needs from you.

You’ll Forget Something Important

If I didn’t repeat John Brownstone’s birthday to myself over and over again, I wouldn’t remember it. Saving it in my phone and adding a calendar reminder helps, too. Forgetting something once happens to all of us — an important appointment, an anniversary, whatever. It’s what you do later that matters most. Neither of you are the worst people in the world when you forget — you’re simply human. Take steps to remember next time, and you’ll likely be just fine.

Your Kinks Won’t Always Align

Will you be okay if you have zero kinks in common? Probably not. But do they have to match perfectly? Not at all. Compatibility matters but you don’t have to be an exact match in order to have a successful D/s relationship. You only need enough common interests to be satisfied in your relationship. While some people may decide to open their relationship to exploration with other partners, it’s not a requirement. There’s plenty to discover in even a single, shared kink.

If everything is awful all the time, and you never communicate or tell the truth, yes, there’s a serious problem in your D/s relationship. But if things are mostly good, and these are occasional blips, your relationship is likely solid. If you’re still worried, look at the patterns of your relationship — communication, trust, and happiness. That will tell you more than the occasional argument or lack of communication.

This week, in episode 135, we’re talking about how no relationship is perfect, even when two people are “perfect” for each other.

Now it’s your turn. What other normal things happen in any solid, healthy relationship? Talk to us in the comments below or on Twitter!

On Shaving and Hair Removal

Shaving, the current Kink of the Week topic, has so many connotations.

Maybe you see the word and you think of shaving your pubic hair. Or you think of beards. When I see the word, I immediately think of my legs. That’s probably because I’ve been shaving them for 30-plus years.

John Brownstone and I have a dichotomous relationship with this method of removing hair.

Pubic Hair Removal

I refuse to shave my vulva, because I hate stubble. Neither of us is opposed to hair removal, though. So I wax. It’s an important enough thing to us that we worked the cost into our household budget. Yes, technically it’s a luxury, but we treat it like a necessity.

Keeping your pubes (or not) brings up strong feelings for some people. I’ve heard and read all the comments about wanting people with vulvas to look more child-like or feeling “dirty” with pubic hair. And I’ve heard and read about how awful that is and down with the patriarchy, and all of that.

The fact is that I have really coarse hair (all over the damn place), and I never, ever liked my pubes. Right after my divorce, I got my first Brazilian, and I’ve never looked back. I was single (and NOT looking to mingle) at the time. It’s a practice I’ve continued because I love how it feels.

But, keep your cold razor away from my vulva. I know what happens to my legs after a day or two of not shaving, and there’s no way I’m doing that to my pussy.

Growing a Beard

So you’d think that by having a beard, John Brownstone doesn’t want to shave either. Actually, he takes shaving very seriously. How serious?

He made his own shaving brush and razor (the handle, not the blade). He uses very specific shaving creams and soaps. His “shaving kit” travels with us. It gets its own place of honor in our suitcase.

Yep, shaving is serious business around here.

And it makes sense. He may have a beard, but he wants it to look a certain way. While he may not shave his entire face, he wants to keep the lines clean. He hates looking “bushy” or like a wild man.

He uses a safety razor that knicks and slices too easily. He tells me he has to be very careful and needs more practice. I know that when I walk in on him shaving, I have to be quiet and not startle him. But he loves it and won’t use anything else.

Manscaping

For the record, he also (from time to time) shaves his pubes. He doesn’t use the good razor for that — mostly because such a sharp blade has no business near his junk. A multi-blade disposable gets the job done.

So my lack of pubes isn’t some grotesque desire to make me seem younger or whatever. And he’s the type who thinks if it’s good enough for me, it’s good enough for him. We’ve got an equal-opportunity pube-removal thing going on over here.

While he doesn’t do it as consistently as I do, we both love it when he shaves. He’s much more sensitive, and I spend less time spitting hair out of my mouth after a blowjob.

Shaving Each Other

Since no blade is allowed near my junk, the kink of being shaved by him isn’t an option. And I prefer to shave my own legs, thank you very much.

He’s teased and said maybe he should have me shave him. But I know how badly I can knick my leg — after 30 years of experience!! The idea of controlling the blade makes me more than a little nervous.

Plenty of people love the intimacy of shaving their partner or being shaved by them. For us, it just doesn’t work. But we both love the end results.

Now we’re curious. Do you have strong feelings about shaving? Is it a kink of yours? Feel free to share in comments below or talk to us on Twitter!

Raising Sex Positive, Kink Friendly Kids LB134

This week, we’re going back to a topic we’ve touched on in the past — parenting and BDSM. Instead of talking about how to get your kink on when you’ve got kids, let’s talk about how to raise kids to accept the sexuality, kinks, and genders of themselves and others.

In this episode:

  • We’re on hiatus for a week for a much-needed vacation.
  • Kayla went on a calm but firm Twitter rant/thread about talking to kids about sex.
  • The conversations might be hard to do, and you’ll likely stumble through them, but they need to be had.
  • Too many kids learn about sex from porn. Porn is fun and great (most of the time), but that’s not the best place to learn — especially not the free tube sites.
  • You can talk about these things at any age and keep it age-appropriate. We’ve had conversations where we talked about concepts like consent and kink without every saying BDSM or sex.
  • Think about how you felt (assuming it was negative) when you discovered your kinky nature. Is that how you want your children to feel when they discover something sexual about themselves?

Links from the show:

3 Conversations We’ve Had With Our Kids About Sex and Kink (blog post)

Being a Parent in a D/s Relationship (episode 46)

Become a patron on Patreon

Support the show

Postcard Project

Kayla Lords on Fetlife

John Brownstone on Fetlife

Contact us!

Listen to the show:

iTunes

Google Play

Your favorite podcast app!

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