The Loving BDSM Podcast

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4 Ways to Get Into a Kinky Mindset

Vanilla life interferes with D/s and kink every chance it gets. Bills need to be paid. You have to go work. And let’s not even mention what parenting can do to your kinky life.

Finding the boundaries between the vanilla world and the D/s dynamic you crave isn’t always easy. Sometimes the rest of your life has to take precedence. Even those of us (like John Brownstone and I) who are 24/7 D/s have to put aside roles and dynamics from time to time to deal with whatever life throws our way. Although, our preference is to navigate every moment of life through our power exchange, but it’s not always an option.

So when you find yourself having to switch back and forth between vanilla and D/s headspaces, how do you make the transition into your Dominant or submissive role? There’s no single correct answer, and you’ll have to find what works best for you. But if you’re not sure where to begin, here are a few ideas.

End Your Work Day With a Ritual

We know plenty of submissives who walk in the door after work and do something to feel submissive.

  • They put on a specific outfit or their collar.
  • They kneel or practice certain positions.
  • Maybe they start a shower or draw a bath for their Dominant.

It doesn’t matter what the action is — it only needs to appeal to you. But once their work day (and kids count as work, y’all) is done, these submissive do very specific things that get them ready to be fully engaged with their power exchange. The act itself might be submissive or simply the act of doing the thing may help them shed the vanilla persona.

And Dominants, it works in reverse for you. When your submissive does their task or ritual, if possible, make it in direct service of you. This way, when that action takes place, you know that’s the time to get into a more Dominant headspace. Maybe your sub pours you a drink or presents you with some kinky fuckery toy. Again, it doesn’t matter what you do, only that it has meaning to you.

Complete Tasks

Slightly different from ending your day with a ritual, these are tasks you complete throughout the day. They’re meant to serve as reminders all day long about who you are as a submissive or Dominant. And yes, Dominants can have tasks. When we were long distance, John Brownstone started every day by choosing the panties I would wear and sending me a text message. That was a “task” he did as a Dominant that (I hope) helped him feel in control.

Whatever things you choose to do in your D/s relationship should be talked about and consented to first. They can serve a very specific purpose — service submission, Caregiver nurturing, etc. Or they can simply be something that appeals to you or that you want to do. My tasks are things that I’ve worked into my routine so well that I sometimes forget why I’m doing them.

This is what I do:

  • Make coffee for John Brownstone upon request — whenever he wants it
  • Turn down the bed at night.
  • Get the coffee pot ready for the next morning.
  • Make his lunch.

Not everyone is a service submissive or someone who craves routine like me. Other people find it’s better for them if they do or assign tasks as needed. Fun ones from our past include masturbating in the ladies room at work and sending him a picture when I was done. The moment I received the request, I was in a subby mindset.

In reverse, for a Dominant, submissives can send a message to their Dominant requesting permission for something. I used to do that when I really wanted something sweet to eat in the afternoon. It reminded us both of who was in charge…especially when he said no!

Plan Your Kinky Fuckery

We’ve got this on the brain right now because at the end of October, we’re going to our local BDSM club for kinky fuckery. And we’ve had it planned for nearly a month. Having this to look forward to has kept me in a more submissive mindset for weeks. Every time I think about what might happen, I go all ooey, gooey inside…until I imagine the impact play, and then my masochist side gets very excited.

You don’t always have to plan major events for this to work. Even small plans like getting together over the weekend or what you’ll do after the kids go to bed counts. The point is to place a priority on what it is that you enjoy doing together as Dominant and submissive — and then planning for it. Schedule it and treat it like the important appointment that it is.

Having the anticipation of the moment gives you something to think about. And I have found it’s great for staying in your kinky mindset.

Create Meaningful Protocols and Rituals

A ritual or protocol sounds like a very formal BDSM thing and the idea of it can intimidate some people. Basically these are things that you do that become habits. They’re done at set times or in specific ways and are rarely deviated from.

Maybe the end of your day isn’t the right type for a task or ritual. What about when you wake up? Is there some habit you can start that helps you feel your kinky self?

  • Wait to be told to get out of bed
  • Help your Dominant get dressed
  • Bring your Dominant their preferred morning beverage

And that’s just one possible morning ritual for a submissive. Like every other option we’ve mentioned, this can be literally anything. The best ritual is one that fulfills a need for both of you. Dominants, you receive something that makes you feel in control or reminds you that your submissive serves you. Submissives, you’re able to do something for (or to) your Dominant that feeds your preferred way to submit. And none of it has to be overtly kinky.

The whole point is that they’re done (basically) the same way most of the time, and they mean something to you. So that when you do them, you feel your kinky role and can, possibly, stay in that headspace for as long as possible.

In episode 152, we’re talking about creating those boundaries between your vanilla world and the D/s life you want — and most of it is a mental thing. While you can’t keep the vanilla world out forever, you can create moments of mindfulness that will help you feel your Dom or sub self more often.

Okay, now it’s your turn. What do you do to get into your kinky mindset? Are there tasks, rituals, protocols, or rules you’ve created? Share with us in the comments below or talk to us on Twitter!

How to Play in Public and Private BDSM Dungeons

BDSM Dungeon. Those words cause many a kinkster to shiver, some out of excitement and some out of fear. If you have never been to a dungeon, it can seem intimidating. You are probably picturing a place full of sin, wantonness, wickedness and more. You could have a flogging scene happening in one corner and someone screaming in pleasure in another corner. Someone could be walking around, leading their partner who is on a leash and collar.  While all of those things may be happening, you will also see people just standing around catching up with friends.

How should you act?  The answers may very well depend on if you are at a public dungeon or a private dungeon. There are definite etiquette rules that you should follow at any type of dungeon, but there are also subtle differences between public and private play spaces that you should be prepared to navigate.


Consent is the cornerstone of BDSM. It’s given before you touch, whether it’s a person or their toys. In a public play space, people are very careful about getting consent for everything. Imagine you are surrounded by strangers, you do not want them touching you or your things without your permission.

In a private dungeon, consent is still an important part of the BDSM lifestyle but it’s a lot more subtle. The parties I throw in my dungeon average 45 people, most of whom know each other well. They are friends and many have scened together. So you will see a lot of touching, even hitting, where no consent seems to have been given. You will see tops picking up toys belonging to other tops without asking permission. What you won’t see is anyone getting upset or angry, because these friends have blanket permission to touch.

Keep in mind that if you are new to the group, that the permission does not extend to you.

Talking During Scenes

In a public dungeon, etiquette demands that you watch scenes from a distance and do not talk to those involved in the scene. If you want to socialize there are areas in every club meant just for that. If you’re watching a scene but want to say something to your friend next to you – get in their ear and whisper. Keep the conversation to a minimum. In a private dungeon, you may still have couples participating in scenes who prefer to not chat, but you are just as likely to find a lot of discussion between scene participants and onlookers.

In a private dungeon, you are more likely to see interactions during scenes. The guests are all usually good friends and may banter with each other as scenes are going. The important thing to remember is that the bantering is happening because of the relationships that are already established. If you are new to the group or the private dungeon, this is not an invitation for you to automatically participate. Watch the interactions, see if the people in the scene are speaking to only a select few or are inviting other audience members to speak, then use your best judgment.

Dungeon Monitors 

A Dungeon Monitor (sometimes referred to as a DM) is a person charged with supervising a playspace (or “dungeon”). The primary responsibility of a Dungeon Monitor is to ensure the physical safety of all participants engaging in BDSM play.  These people may be of any sex and can identify as any role (dominant, submissive, or switch), but while on duty their authority is absolute. If a Dungeon Monitor orders a play scene to stop, it must be stopped immediately. They often wear a special uniform, hat or armband, so they are more easily identifiable.

In a private dungeon, more often than not, the host is the dungeon monitor though they may also assign a close friend to serve in that capacity. The responsibility of a dungeon monitor is the same whether in a public or private dungeon. However, because participants in a private dungeon know each other well, the DM’s may appear more lenient. The familiarity allows the DM’s to better understand participants skill levels and boundaries.

Entrance Fees

At a public dungeon, there is usually a fee for entry into an event. In addition, many dungeons require you to be a member before attending any events. Private dungeons may or may not charge an entrance fee. They may also ask that you bring food or beverages to share with other party guests.

And while membership of some type is typically not required at private playspaces, guests may need to go through a vetting process before they are allowed to attend an event.


Public dungeons usually have a wide variety of equipment and multiple items of the same piece while private dungeons to be more limited in options. Therefore, being considerate of your fellow guests is essential. Be aware of the amount of time you are spending on a particular piece of equipment because there are likely others who are waiting for their turn.

Also because private dungeons are typically smaller than public spaces, you may want to limit the amount of toys you bring to play with. Don’t plan on bringing your entire arsenal. Instead, plan out your scene in advance so that you bring only the implements you believe you will use that night.

Ultimately whether you are at a public or private dungeon, you need to be respectful of house and playspace rules, especially in a private dungeon which is often someone’s home. If you have questions as to what those rules are, don’t hesitate to ask the host. This way everyone will have a fun and enjoyable time.

About Rara

Rara is a kink party and event planner in the Washington, DC area. She has her own personal dungeon where she holds BDSM play parties.  She also hosts munches, facilitates a discussion group on Poly and Power Exchange Relationships and organizes educational classes. Rara is an active member of her local BDSM community enjoying life as a poly masochistic bottom. Her kinks include impact, rope suspension, needles and more.

Want to learn more about Rara?

Follow her on FetLife or Twitter or Tumblr.

If you liked this post by Rara, check out her post: The Do’s and Don’ts of Going to a Munch or When a Kinky Scene Goes Bad.

Feel free to share your thoughts or questions about private and public BDSM dungeons in the comments below or talk to us on Twitter!

Why Dominants Need to Be Consistent LB151

In episode 151, we talk about a topic near and dear to John Brownstone’s heart — if you want to lead the relationship (as a Dominant), you need to be consistent.

In this episode:

  • If you want to give a kinky fuckery gift this upcoming holiday season, check out our Kinky Fuckery Shop!
  • This week’s blog post talks about what happens when you’re consistent in your D/s relationship.
  • Why does consistency matter?
  • How can Dominants be more consistent?
  • What can submissives do if they’re not getting the consistency they need?
  • Why submissives also need to be consistent.
  • Consistency does not mean perfection. Life will get in the way. But it’s something to strive for.

Links from the show:

6 Reasons Why Being Consistent Matters in Your D/s Relationship (blog post)

Kinky Fuckery Shop

Become a patron on Patreon

Support the show

Postcard Project

Subscribe on YouTube

Follow us on Instagram

Follow us Twitter

Message or friend us on Fetlife

Contact us!

Sign up for our newsletter

Listen to the show:


Google Play


Your favorite podcast app!

Watch on YouTube

6 Reasons Why Being Consistent Matters in Your D/s Relationship

If you’ve listened to a few podcast episodes, you’ve heard John Brownstone mention one word a few times — consistency. It’s one of his core beliefs as a Dominant and an indicator of how well your D/s relationship is going. (It’s not the only thing, but it’s an important one.)

So why the focus on consistency, especially as a Dominant? Because whether you are or aren’t, it has a direct impact on your submissive and your D/s relationship.

Creates Stability

When both of you know what to expect, it’s easier to stay in your D/s headspace and have an idea of what to expect. Inconsistently giving consequences or praise can make your submissive feel off-balance. They may not know where they stand with you or what to expect. Some Dominants might think this is a good thing, but we disagree. If one of your goals as a Dominant is to help your submissive succeed and be the best submissive they can be, they need to have an idea of what to expect and feel like the ground is solid and stable under their feet.

Sets Expectations

If you want your submissive to succeed and feel good about their submission, they need to know what to expect. When you’re consistent in your expectations and what happens when those expectations are met or not, your submissive can rise to meet the challenge. But if you’re constantly changing things up or randomly deciding something no longer matters, your submissive can’t meet your expectations because they don’t know what they are.

Reduces Problems, Hurt Feelings, and Angst

If you never know whether you’re doing something right or not or if your partner will be there when you need them, how would you feel? Pretty crappy, right? Well, to the inconsistent Dominant, that’s what you (potentially) create for your submissive when you inconsistently speak to them, follow the rules or routines of your D/s relationship, or do whatever your Domly thing might be. Many submissives will internalize the inconsistency and think it’s their fault. Others will just be pissed off at you. Either way, it’s a storm of negative emotions and unhappiness in your D/s relationship.

Builds Trust

One of the most important things about establishing trust as a Dominant (beyond communication and consent) is following through and doing what you say you’ll do. If you’re inconsistent, your submissive may learn very quickly they can’t trust you. You won’t call when you say you will, be Dominant when it’s been agreed to, or be reliable in the relationship. And remember, consistency is important throughout a relationship — not just in the early stages of building trust.

Helps a Relationship Grow

When you’re inconsistent in your D/s relationship, it’s almost impossible for the relationship to grow and become more than it is at the beginning. You get stuck in a cycle. Trust doesn’t develop. Communication falters. Feelings get hurt. Moving onto new and better stages of your relationship are almost impossible in these circumstances. But when you follow through, follow up, and show up for your D/s relationship — consistently — you’re both able to build something together. Why? Because you’ve earned your submissive’s trust, and they know they can depend on you.

Shows Your Commitment to the Relationship

We focus on the things that matter to us. We make them a priority. And when we can’t, we’re upset and work to make it right. Being consistent as a Dominant shows that you’re committed to your submissive and the D/s relationship you’re building together. It might not always be perfect, and you might fuck up from time to time (hey, it happens). But showing up makes a big difference. You don’t have to get it right all the time, but you do need to be committed enough to your submissive to do what you say you’ll do.

It probably seems like we’re picking on Dominants here. Maybe so, but it’s because you shoulder a lot of responsibility in your D/s relationship. Yes, your submissive has to do their part, but this is what being the leader and in control is about. If you can do what you say you’ll do, be there for your submissive, and follow through on your D/s agreement (whatever it may be), you help your relationship succeed. Which is, hopefully, the entire point.

In episode 151 we dive deeper into the conversation about consistency in D/s relationships and why it’s so important for Dominant and submissive. Check it out!

Got thoughts and opinions on consistency from Dominants in D/s relationships? Share with us in the comments below or talk to us on Twitter!

Feeling Confident as a Dominant LB150

Thanks to a listener suggestion, we’re talking about confidence for Dominants — how normal it is to not be fully confident and how to become more confident. And also, ranting about why we need to stop expecting immediate confidence from Doms at all times and in all situations.

In this episode:

  • If you want to give a kinky fuckery gift this upcoming holiday season, check out our Kinky Fuckery Shop!
  • This episode was suggested by Chintz Curtain on Twitter — thank you for the idea!
  • The blog post that goes with this episode is about things that new Dominants need to know — and one of those things revolves around confidence — getting it, maintaining it, and dealing with the lack of.
  • It’s normal not to feel confident — new or experienced.
  • Times when John Brownstone doesn’t feel confident.
  • How he overcomes it.
  • Time and experience helps anyone build confidence.
  • It’s okay to admit when you’re nervous.

Links from the show:

13 Things New Dominants Need to Know (blog post)

Kinky Fuckery Shop

Become a patron on Patreon

Support the show

Postcard Project

Subscribe on YouTube

Follow us on Instagram

Follow us Twitter

Message or friend us on Fetlife

Contact us!

Sign up for our newsletter

Listen to the show:


Google Play


Your favorite podcast app!

Watch on YouTube

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