Vanilla life interferes with D/s and kink every chance it gets. Bills need to be paid. You have to go work. And let’s not even mention what parenting can do to your kinky life.
Finding the boundaries between the vanilla world and the D/s dynamic you crave isn’t always easy. Sometimes the rest of your life has to take precedence. Even those of us (like John Brownstone and I) who are 24/7 D/s have to put aside roles and dynamics from time to time to deal with whatever life throws our way. Although, our preference is to navigate every moment of life through our power exchange, but it’s not always an option.
So when you find yourself having to switch back and forth between vanilla and D/s headspaces, how do you make the transition into your Dominant or submissive role? There’s no single correct answer, and you’ll have to find what works best for you. But if you’re not sure where to begin, here are a few ideas.
End Your Work Day With a Ritual
We know plenty of submissives who walk in the door after work and do something to feel submissive.
- They put on a specific outfit or their collar.
- They kneel or practice certain positions.
- Maybe they start a shower or draw a bath for their Dominant.
It doesn’t matter what the action is — it only needs to appeal to you. But once their work day (and kids count as work, y’all) is done, these submissive do very specific things that get them ready to be fully engaged with their power exchange. The act itself might be submissive or simply the act of doing the thing may help them shed the vanilla persona.
And Dominants, it works in reverse for you. When your submissive does their task or ritual, if possible, make it in direct service of you. This way, when that action takes place, you know that’s the time to get into a more Dominant headspace. Maybe your sub pours you a drink or presents you with some kinky fuckery toy. Again, it doesn’t matter what you do, only that it has meaning to you.
Slightly different from ending your day with a ritual, these are tasks you complete throughout the day. They’re meant to serve as reminders all day long about who you are as a submissive or Dominant. And yes, Dominants can have tasks. When we were long distance, John Brownstone started every day by choosing the panties I would wear and sending me a text message. That was a “task” he did as a Dominant that (I hope) helped him feel in control.
Whatever things you choose to do in your D/s relationship should be talked about and consented to first. They can serve a very specific purpose — service submission, Caregiver nurturing, etc. Or they can simply be something that appeals to you or that you want to do. My tasks are things that I’ve worked into my routine so well that I sometimes forget why I’m doing them.
This is what I do:
- Make coffee for John Brownstone upon request — whenever he wants it
- Turn down the bed at night.
- Get the coffee pot ready for the next morning.
- Make his lunch.
Not everyone is a service submissive or someone who craves routine like me. Other people find it’s better for them if they do or assign tasks as needed. Fun ones from our past include masturbating in the ladies room at work and sending him a picture when I was done. The moment I received the request, I was in a subby mindset.
In reverse, for a Dominant, submissives can send a message to their Dominant requesting permission for something. I used to do that when I really wanted something sweet to eat in the afternoon. It reminded us both of who was in charge…especially when he said no!
Plan Your Kinky Fuckery
We’ve got this on the brain right now because at the end of October, we’re going to our local BDSM club for kinky fuckery. And we’ve had it planned for nearly a month. Having this to look forward to has kept me in a more submissive mindset for weeks. Every time I think about what might happen, I go all ooey, gooey inside…until I imagine the impact play, and then my masochist side gets very excited.
You don’t always have to plan major events for this to work. Even small plans like getting together over the weekend or what you’ll do after the kids go to bed counts. The point is to place a priority on what it is that you enjoy doing together as Dominant and submissive — and then planning for it. Schedule it and treat it like the important appointment that it is.
Having the anticipation of the moment gives you something to think about. And I have found it’s great for staying in your kinky mindset.
Create Meaningful Protocols and Rituals
A ritual or protocol sounds like a very formal BDSM thing and the idea of it can intimidate some people. Basically these are things that you do that become habits. They’re done at set times or in specific ways and are rarely deviated from.
Maybe the end of your day isn’t the right type for a task or ritual. What about when you wake up? Is there some habit you can start that helps you feel your kinky self?
- Wait to be told to get out of bed
- Help your Dominant get dressed
- Bring your Dominant their preferred morning beverage
And that’s just one possible morning ritual for a submissive. Like every other option we’ve mentioned, this can be literally anything. The best ritual is one that fulfills a need for both of you. Dominants, you receive something that makes you feel in control or reminds you that your submissive serves you. Submissives, you’re able to do something for (or to) your Dominant that feeds your preferred way to submit. And none of it has to be overtly kinky.
The whole point is that they’re done (basically) the same way most of the time, and they mean something to you. So that when you do them, you feel your kinky role and can, possibly, stay in that headspace for as long as possible.
In episode 152, we’re talking about creating those boundaries between your vanilla world and the D/s life you want — and most of it is a mental thing. While you can’t keep the vanilla world out forever, you can create moments of mindfulness that will help you feel your Dom or sub self more often.
Okay, now it’s your turn. What do you do to get into your kinky mindset? Are there tasks, rituals, protocols, or rules you’ve created? Share with us in the comments below or talk to us on Twitter!