You’ve got the perfect BDSM scene mapped out in your head. Negotiations are done, limits discussed, and expectations set. You know where you’ll be, what your partner will wear, and how this scene will play out. It’s all right there in your mind. Both of you are excited and ready to play.
How can anything possibly go wrong when you’ve done everything right? Believe us, it happens. Sometimes you can work around an unwanted surprise, and sometimes you can’t.
You can’t prevent every problem in a BDSM scene, but being aware of them can help take the sting out of any disappointment you might feel.
Muscle Spasms and Cramps
As someone who’s gotten a Charlie horse in the middle of wild, rough sex, believe me when I say this happens. Being tied up or holding a position for too long can contribute to cramps and spasms, too. But submissives aren’t the only one to watch out for. Dominants, you’re as active as your partner – moving them into position, swinging toys, and using your body in a variety of ways.
What can you do about it? Sometimes the cramp can be rubbed out and you move on. But sometimes it’s time to stop and get ice or at the very least adjust your position. You may want to keep playing but avoiding a major injury is more important. Take care of yourself today so you can play again tomorrow.
The emotional triggers you know about should be discussed long before you play – past abuse, bad memories, and other emotional and mental demons you’re fighting shouldn’t be hidden from your kinky partner when you decide to start scening and pushing boundaries. But also realize that some emotional triggers aren’t things you can predict until they happen.
I once had a panic attack when John Brownstone placed his full weight on my torso. Even now, he has to be careful about how he wraps his hand around my throat. I had no idea that having my airflow cut off in specific ways could lead to panic – until it did. When something triggers a negative emotion response, stop, comfort your partner, and talk about what happened. You may have to avoid that kind of play, or like John Brownstone, modify what you do to avoid that trigger.
Limits You Didn’t Know You Had
Like an emotional trigger, you can have limits that you didn’t realize until you tried something. In some cases, you may be willing to continue your kinky play and tell your partner later that you didn’t enjoy it. Other times, you may have a visceral reaction and need everything to stop immediately. Dominants, watch your partner for cues – change in body language, tone, and reaction. Submissives, don’t be afraid to speak up or use your safeword.
Assuming the entire scene isn’t a hard limit for you, after a few minutes to calm down, you can always get back to your kinky fuckery later. If the reaction is strong enough, you may need to stop and cuddle or talk instead. As important as a BDSM scene can feel in the moment, it’s more important to be flexible and deal with the reality of your situation.
You’re in a rhythm. Both of you are feeding off the energy of the other. You may both hit sub and top space with this scene. Fuck, everything feels so good. And then…
The doorbell rings. There’s a knock at the door. A kid gets sick or scared in their room. The guy watching you in the club decides to poke his nose in and ask a question.
Whatever happens, your scene has been interrupted. It’s understandable that you’re upset about it, maybe even angry. If it’s the doorbell, a phone call, or some other random circumstance, do your best to get back into the moment later. You might not hit that endorphin high again (sadly) but you can still enjoy the moment. If you’re at the BDSM club, and it’s some random person with zero manners (who clearly hasn’t learned not to stick their nose into a scene)? Say whatever you need to, and let a dungeon monitor know as soon as you can – before or after the scene.
It’s okay to crave the perfect BDSM scene where every moment goes according to some kinky divine plan. You know the one – you both get exactly what you need, end it feeling spent, and maybe even hit sub/top space together. But it’s also okay when real life intervenes and something takes your BDSM scene from good to weird, annoying, or even laughable. Some situations can be overcome, and others require an adjustment. It’s all part of the experience of BDSM. Enjoy your time with the other person and take these mishaps as opportunities to connect in a new way.
Okay, your turn! What weird thing has screwed up your BDSM scene or kinky fuckery? How did you handle it? Share in the comments below!