LovingBDSM

The Loving BDSM Podcast

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From Daddy’s Desk: Silence as Punishment

In the second installment of From Daddy’s Desk, I’m talking about form of punishment, usually in long distance relationships, of silence. Yes, I’ve used it in the past – before I knew better – and no, I don’t think it’s effective. There are better ways to instill discipline and change behaviors.

Silence as Punishment Takeaways

  • Cutting off communication can cause a submissive harm.
  • Harms self-esteem.
  • Erodes trust.
  • Your submissive needs to know they can count on you, just as much as you need to be able to count on them.
  • Breaking off communication can make it more difficult to form a healthy relationship.
  • Look for other forms of punishment that can be impactful that still keeps the lines of communication open.
  • I’ve used silence as punishment, and it wasn’t productive or healthy for either of us.
  • Do not punish in anger.
  • Give yourself time to think about the punishment so that you can administer it in a rational way. It’s okay to tell your submissive, “I need time to think about this…”
  • Silence isn’t always good for you as a Dominant, either.

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“Tests” in D/s Relationships LB103

We’re a little bit ranty this week, but it’s all for a good cause. A new-to-us red flag appears to be submissives being “tested” on their D/s relationship without knowing it, without consenting to it, and without cause. Are there ways to prove yourself to each other in a D/s relationship? Definitely but not the way it’s been described by confused, upset, and/or angry submissives.

In this episode:

  • Our giveaway winner for the 100th episode is….LewdVulpine! Find her on Fetlife or in the Loving BDSM community!
  • We know there have been problems with the website. We’re working on it with great help, and hope to have it better as soon as possible.
  • Tests aren’t required in D/s.
  • You can have challenges or tests in your dynamic but only if it’s negotiated and agreed to by both of you.
  • “Testing” a partner without their consent and then punishing them if they fail is wrong, lacks consent, and manipulative.
  • The real “tests” aren’t tests at all.

Links from the show:

 

5 Real Ways to Prove Yourself in D/s Relationships

From Daddy’s Desk: Silence as Punishment (YouTube video)

Join the Loving BDSM Community

Support the show

Postcard Project

Kayla Lords on Fetlife

John Brownstone on Fetlife

Contact us!

Listen to the show:

iTunes

Google Play

Your favorite podcast app!

5 Real Ways to Prove Yourself in D/s Relationships

Are you a Dominant who believes your submissive has to “prove” their devotion through special tests you set? Or are you a submissive who has been asked to prove yourself with “tests” that make you uncomfortable, hit hard limits, or just don’t seem right? Yeah, you’re not alone.

Here’s the thing about D/s and BDSM…ready for it? There are no fucking tests. Not a single decent Dominant will require you to jump through specific abusive or manipulative tests to prove your submission. And, while we’re on the topic, you both have to prove yourself to each other to make a relationship work.

So when someone starts talking about “tests” that make your skin crawl, your hackles raise, and your intuition scream at you, here are the only things you both actually have to prove to each other. There may or may not be a test on it later – and definitely when you’re least expecting it.

You’re Willing to Communicate

John Brownstone and I believe there are only two real rules to BDSM, and one of them is communication (consent being the second). Without that, you’ve got nothing. You can’t even consent if you can’t communicate. Dom or sub, it doesn’t matter, you both have to be willing to say the hard things as well as the good things.

Yes, it’s fun to talk about the kinky fuckery and the things you want to try. Can you also share that you’ve experienced violence and therefore can be triggered in a scene? Are you willing to say you had a bad experience in a relationship and now you want to take it slow? Whatever it is, you must say it. You’re allowed be bad at communication (at first), but you can’t be unwilling.

You Respect Boundaries

Everyone gets to have boundaries and limits. To the Dominant who thinks a submissive should just “trust” that you know best for them, get over yourself. Your main responsibility is to take care of your submissive whether it’s for a lifetime as a partner or for an hour in a scene. Yes, you’re supposed to get what you want, but so is your submissive. Subs, you need to remember that, too. Just because you want a thing to happen doesn’t mean your Dominant has to give in – especially if it’s a limit for them.

Respecting boundaries and limits, whether in your kinky fuckery or in the lines you’ve drawn to separate your kink from other aspects of your life, is a requirement for a healthy D/s relationship. Doing anything less shows a lack of consent, erodes trust, creates a toxic environment, and means you’re flunking BDSM 101.

You Earn Trust

Can I tell you how tired I am of “Dominants” (aka airquote Dominants) demanding trust from a submissive from the first contact? Fuck. That. Shit. Trust is earned, and if you aren’t willing to put in the time, commitment, honesty, and communication to build it, you’re not looking for a D/s relationship. You want an easy fuck and a naive or desperate submissive to stroke your fucking ego.

(This is where John Brownstone would tell me to breathe. So I am.) There is no timetable for earning trust. And it must absolutely be earned. You’ve got to be who you say you are, show up when you say you will, and give as much (if not more) than you receive. And yes, submissives do too. To the dear, sweet subs out there, when you manipulate a situation to get what you want (genuinely topping from the bottom) you’re hurting the trust between you. Remember that.

You Must Be Honest

You earn trust by being honest. Not everyone, on either side of the slash, seems capable of honesty. People say what they think the other person wants to hear. They say what’s easiest and keeps the conflict down. A real test of any D/s relationship is this: being able to say the hard thing to your partner because it’s also the truest thing in that moment. Being honest doesn’t mean you have to be an ass about it. You can be honest and still be kind.

In case you wondered, that means saying, “This isn’t working out” instead of ghosting on someone. It also means saying, “I didn’t really like that thing we just did. Please don’t do it again.” Of course, there’s also, “You made me angry” or “You hurt me badly.” When you can say those things and listen when they’re said to you, you can pass almost any other “test” out there.

You Earn Respect

A certain amount of respect should be given because we’re all human beings. But beyond that very basic amount, the rest is earned. When you communicate and respect boundaries, you earn respect. When you show that you’re honest and trustworthy, you earn respect. But beating your chest and demanding it because you gave yourself the title of “Dominant?” Puh-lease. I don’t think so.

Submissives, you deserve respect, too. And yes, it means you have to be honest and trustworthy, communicate fully, and honor boundaries and limits to achieve it. The rules aren’t different for you, either. Being a playful brat or a sassy submissive is good and fun if your dynamic works that way, but beneath that exterior, respect is required for the way you play to be safe and meaningful. How hurtful could it be for a Dominant to be told bratty things when they’re not sure their partner respects them? And are you willing to accept punishment, discipline, or control from someone you don’t respect?

Certain Things Should be Required…

When you’ve been hurt in the past, it’s normal to want proof it won’t happen again. Silly tests and unnecessary trials don’t really give you the confidence you need in your potential kinky partner. Trust, communication, honesty, respect – these prove that you’re dealing with someone who wants to be a good partner and is willing to try. Frankly, all you can ever ask of someone is that they try. Passing these tests doesn’t mean you’ll stay together forever. But failing them means you’ve got a red-flag-carrying bad situation on your hands.

I know there might be other things I can list. But to me, these are the big ones. If you get these right and prove yourself to each other this way, the rest usually falls into place. But what do you think should be on this list? Feel free to share in the comments below!

Want to be part of a safe, friendly group of kinksters where you can ask your questions about handjobs and any other kinky fuckery you’re curious about? Join the Loving BDSM Community today!

Can a Handjob Be Kinky?

Depending on your relationship with penises and handjobs, it might not be something you’ve given a lot of thought to. And if you think of them at all, you might not immediately think of BDSM or kink. I guess the simplest answer to this question is that anything can be kinky, including a handjob.

Okay, so I could leave it at that and yes, sure, they’re kinky. But you know me, of course, I want to talk about how to make handjobs part of your kinky fuckery.

What Counts as a Handjob?

Real quick, in case it’s not something you’ve ever done or you worry there are multiple definitions for it, let’s define what we mean when we say handjob. It’s simply the act of stimulating another person’s penis with your hand until they orgasm – or throw you down and perform another sex act because you’re driving them crazy. Personally I prefer that second part. And yes I emphasized “another person’s penis” because one, if you’re doing it to your own penis, it’s not a handjob (it’s just wanking, jacking off, masturbation, pick your favorite term), and two, not all people with penises identify as men.

Handjobs as Power Exchange

While some people think of very specific acts as part of their power exchange – kneeling, wearing a collar, using honorifics (like “Sir” or “Mistress”) – you can kink up anything. It’s all in how you view the act itself and how you treat it.

Ordering your submissive to give you a handjob might bring you both pleasure, but you’re in control. Tell your partner how fast, slow, hard, soft, when to stop, when to make it a blowjob. You get the point, right? You don’t have to touch yourself or anyone else to be in control of your own handjob and pleasure. Because it’s all about your pleasure, your submissive may get into a good headspace too – handjobs as a way to serve.

Giving your submissive a handjob can definitely be infused with power. You’re in direct control of the stimulation of your partner’s penis. Whether you say a word or not, you decide how fast or slow your hand moves, what kind of pressure to apply, and when you stop. Do you allow your submissive to orgasm? Do you edge them until they’re begging for release? That’s up to you and the consent you have from your partner over orgasm control.

Accepting a Handjob as a Submissive

Dominants and submissives alike sometimes worry that when a submissive receives pleasure, their Dominant is no longer in control. Oral sex is usually the center of the angst over this, but handjobs are no different. Depending on how you view the act, it can be completely about the pleasure of the recipient. Of course, it can also be part of orgasm control – edging, forced orgasm, orgasm denial (see the section above).

But submissives (and their Dominants) should understand that whether the end result is an orgasm or not, receiving pleasure for the sake of it, doesn’t put you in control. Not unless that’s how you and your partner want to play. D/s and BDSM is supposed to feel good and be about pleasure in some way. I know that some submissives feel guilty when they “get something” and their partner doesn’t. You’re assuming your Dominant isn’t receiving pleasure from the act of giving you pleasure. Of course they are – why else would they do it? And yes, doing it just to make you happy is a legitimate reason for your Dominant.

Find What Works For You

Handjobs for us (like blowjobs) are a precursor to whatever other kinky fuckery we’re doing. John Brownstone allows me to grab his cock whenever I want (and whenever it’s appropriate). I enjoy stroking him until he’s hard, seeing how his body reacts to my touch. It’s a turn on. We don’t take it all the way to climax, though. When he orgasms, it’s inside my body because that’s what we like, but no matter how short or long the handjob lasts, I never doubt who’s ultimately in control.

It’s another Kink of the Week by the fabulous Molly Moore, and if you can’t tell, the topic is about the handjob. We don’t have all the answers, and we know there are a million and one ways to get kinky. To see what other people have to say about the topic, click the lips.

Kink of the Week

Are handsjobs part of your kink? Do they factor into your power exchange? Share with us in the comments below!

Want to be part of a safe, friendly group of kinksters where you can ask your questions about handjobs and any other kinky fuckery you’re curious about? Join the Loving BDSM Community today!

Equality and Balance in D/s Relationships LB102

In episode 102, we’re talking about the idea of equality in a D/s relationship. We each come at this in different, but not opposite ways. Are the people in a D/s relationship equal or should they have balance? Or should it be a combination of both? We don’t claim to have all the answers but we do have plenty of thoughts.

In this episode:

  • The 100th episode giveaway has ended. The winner will be announced (with their permission) next week.
  • Kayla’s random lube giveaway is still going on!
  • Are D/s relationships equal?
  • Should we call it equality or balance?
  • Why balance matters (according to Kayla)
  • What equal or balanced looks like in your D/s relationship is unique to you
  • Both D and s should get something positive from the exchange – call it balance or equality or whatever you’d like
  • When a relationship is no longer equal or balanced, you have to talk about it. A small change might be enough or it may be time for something more drastic.

Links from the show:

Random Lube Giveaway

5 Signs of an Unhealthy Imbalance in Your D/s Relationship

Financial Control in Our D/s Relationship (Episode 13)

Join the Loving BDSM Community

Support the show

Postcard Project

Kayla Lords on Fetlife

John Brownstone on Fetlife

Contact us!

Listen to the show:

iTunes

Google Play

Your favorite podcast app!

 

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