LovingBDSM

The Loving BDSM Podcast

Category: Relationships (page 1 of 4)

6 Things That Still Happen in Solid D/s Relationships

Show of hands — who’s looked at a D/s relationship (or any other flavor of relationship) and thought, “Hashtag relationship goals!” I know I have.

It’s easy to imagine what life will be like once we find the “perfect” Dominant or submissive partner or when we fully transition from vanilla to kink. But reality has a way of catching up with that image we build in our mind.

We’ve talked about disagreements and arguments in the past, and they happen in every relationship. But there are other small things that happen. They don’t mean your relationship is failing, only that there’s no such thing as perfect.

Here are six things that happen even in the most solid and seemingly “perfect” D/s relationships.

You Forget to Communicate

It doesn’t matter how much you remind yourself that you need to communicate, it’s easy to fall back on old habits. John Brownstone and I both find ourselves not saying what’s on our mind when we should. Thankfully when it happens, we speak up as soon as we realize what’s going on. Or we “force” the other to talk. Sometimes apologies have to be made, and sometimes we need to reconnect.

You Hate Something About Them

I hate the sound of John Brownstone’s chewing if I’m not also eating. Yes, that’s really specific and no, I don’t know why either. He hates that I keep lights on in every room. Sometimes we laugh about them, and sometimes we don’t. Yes, we’ve gotten into arguments over a stupid little thing that doesn’t actually matter much. As long as these things are small and don’t send you into constant rages,  it’s probably fine.

One Of You Doesn’t Admit the Truth

I don’t like to call this a “lie” in the hurting, manipulative sense. These are usually lies of omission. You think you’re doing the right thing and not telling your partner something hurtful. Maybe you think it’s unimportant. You know you’ve done wrong when the truth comes out, and your Dom or sub isn’t happy with you. As long as it’s not a habit, not manipulative, and not harmful, you’re probably okay. As with all things, how you handle it and what you do after matters most.

You’ll Take Each Other For Granted

We don’t want to think it’ll happen, but eventually, you’ll probably take your partner for granted. They always do a thing for you, or they’re always there. Yes you love them and appreciate what they do, but you’ll forget for a moment. Maybe you don’t say “thank you” enough or you begin to make assumptions. Like communication, this is completely fixable once you realize what’s happening. Apologize, show gratitude, and ask what your partner needs from you.

You’ll Forget Something Important

If I didn’t repeat John Brownstone’s birthday to myself over and over again, I wouldn’t remember it. Saving it in my phone and adding a calendar reminder helps, too. Forgetting something once happens to all of us — an important appointment, an anniversary, whatever. It’s what you do later that matters most. Neither of you are the worst people in the world when you forget — you’re simply human. Take steps to remember next time, and you’ll likely be just fine.

Your Kinks Won’t Always Align

Will you be okay if you have zero kinks in common? Probably not. But do they have to match perfectly? Not at all. Compatibility matters but you don’t have to be an exact match in order to have a successful D/s relationship. You only need enough common interests to be satisfied in your relationship. While some people may decide to open their relationship to exploration with other partners, it’s not a requirement. There’s plenty to discover in even a single, shared kink.

If everything is awful all the time, and you never communicate or tell the truth, yes, there’s a serious problem in your D/s relationship. But if things are mostly good, and these are occasional blips, your relationship is likely solid. If you’re still worried, look at the patterns of your relationship — communication, trust, and happiness. That will tell you more than the occasional argument or lack of communication.

This week, in episode 135, we’re talking about how no relationship is perfect, even when two people are “perfect” for each other.

Now it’s your turn. What other normal things happen in any solid, healthy relationship? Talk to us in the comments below or on Twitter!

3 Conversations We’ve Had With Our Kids about Sex and Kink

We all have our own comfort level when it comes to how much we want our children to know about our personal (sexual and kink) lives and what we believe should stay private. As parents of a near-13 year old (OMG) and an eight year old, it’s something John Brownstone and I think a lot about, too.

Sex education around the world is pretty shitty, and most of us likely grew up with almost no real information. As someone who didn’t have an orgasm until age 32 and didn’t know what BDSM even was (beyond a vague idea of leather and chains) until a few months after that, I’m determined to do better by my own children.

But that doesn’t mean these conversations are easy.

If you’re struggling with the desire to inform your children and also the desire not to tell them too much or anything inappropriate for their age, we have a few ideas. These aren’t the only types of conversations or ways to approach them, but they’ve worked for us. Feel free to use them as much or as little as you’d like.

Consent

As adults we tend to think of consent in terms of sex. And yes, that’s an extremely important lesson our children need to learn. Enthusiastic and informed consent isn’t just a kink concept. Everyone needs to understand it. But the lessons can begin earlier than you realize, and you can teach it without ever saying the word “sex.”

When you teach your children to keep their hands to themselves, say something like, “We don’t touch people who don’t want to be touched” or “When someone says ‘No’ we do what they say.”

You can teach your children they don’t have to hug that random (and sometimes scary!) family member or family friend if they don’t want to.

We remind our kids they need permission before they take, touch, or get into someone’s space.

Will you repeat these lessons over and over again? Of course you will. They’re kids, after all, and they’re bound to forget some stuff. As they get older, you can begin the sexual consent conversation, and they’ll already understand the basic concept.

Your Kink Isn’t My Kink

I’m not actually suggesting you sit your 10 year old down and say, “Your kink isn’t my kink, but your kink is okay.” Unless that’s how you roll with your kids. But I had this conversation with my 12 year old and never once said “BDSM” or “kink” and he got the message.

We were talking about sex, and I said that people enjoy things that other people think are strange. I also mentioned that literally anything can be a turn on. (He understood the concept of “turn on” already.) He decided to be funny and say, “Even lamps?”

I assured him that somewhere in the world, someone got really excited by lamps. (Everything is a fetish, after all.) We finished the conversation with the understanding that anyone can enjoy anything by themselves or with a consenting partner. I also told him that he might be turned on by something that other people thought was weird. My advice? As long as you and/or a partner enjoy it, and it’s consensual, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. I also told him never to judge someone for the way they enjoyed sex.

Gender and Sexuality

Maybe I’m not progressive enough in my views, but I still want grandchildren (many years from now), and I hope my kids end up with at least one partner they love very much. That being said, since they were very little, I’ve always watched how we spoke about gender and sexuality.

“If you love a woman or a man…”

“I don’t care who you love as long they make you happy…”

“Whoever you date…”

“When you grow up you might decide to get married or not…”

“Bisexuality is when you like men and women.”

“Your partner…”
The oldest interrupts with “Why do you always say ‘partner’?”
Me: Because I don’t assume that you’ll get married.
Him: But I know I’m straight, so why not say wife or girlfriend?
Me: Because your partner might not identify as a woman. They may have a different gender identity.
By the way, this lead into a conversation about non-binary, queer, and a few other topics I really don’t feel qualified to discuss, so we fumbled our way through. Which is what we do as parents every other moment of the day.

Oh, and before anyone lectures me on not discussing pansexuality, transgender people, and other forms of gender and/or sexuality, we’re working on it. And the 12 year old is well aware that transgender people exist and that they should be able to use the bathroom of the gender they identify with. So I think we’re on the right track.

Why These Conversations Matter

We don’t have all the answers, and my face burns when we hit the really awkward questions. But I decided long ago to do better than my parents did, and part of that is being more open about sex.

The idea that my kids might ever fear I won’t love them because they love someone or they identify a certain way hurts my heart. And I never want them to think there’s something wrong with them if they discover kink or some other way of expressing love and desire that’s not mainstream.

So yeah, we’re talking about sex and kink (in age-appropriate terms) with our kids. It’s something we all need to do, especially if you know you went through hell when you realized you were into kink. Why put your kids through that?

If you can’t tell we’re revisiting the topic of kink and parenting in episode 134, but instead of discussing how to be kinky when you have kids, let’s talk about how to raise sex-positive kids who will have better sexual futures than we did at their age.

Got thoughts on this topic? Share in the comments below or talk to us on Twitter!

5 Secrets You Might Have in a D/s Relationship

Of course every D/s relationship is different, as is every communication style, power dynamic, and the things that make it work between you and another person. So if you read the title and thought, “I don’t have secrets!” well, okay. Maybe you do, maybe you don’t.

This isn’t a judgement call, but it is a recognition that for better or worse, secrets happen. It’s up to you and your partner to decide if they’re good or bad for your relationship. Here are a few types of secrets you may encounter in your D/s relationship — and they’re not all bad.

Surprises

Surprises are a type of secret. Hopefully, they’re positive in your relationship and at worst, benign. Surprises in D/s can be difficult, especially if you’re the submissive trying to surprise your Dominant. Some people (regardless of D or s) don’t like surprises — I’m one of the them. But in a power exchange, you’ve also got to navigate your dynamic.

When I want to surprise John Brownstone, I say, “I have a surprise for you. Would you like to know now or be surprised?” Ultimately the decision is his. Of course, when he has a surprise for me, he teases and torments me with it because he knows I’m desperate to know.

If you genuinely hate surprises (think hard limit levels of hatred), it’s okay to insist that you don’t want to be surprised…ever.

Things You Aren’t Ready to Say (Yet)

When I hear “secrets” in a long-term relationship, it automatically conjures up a negative feeling, as if you’re hiding something. But sometimes you haven’t learned to trust your partner enough to tell them certain things. That’s your prerogative, and if they want to be someone you feel you can tell anything to, they have to earn your trust.

A good way to handle these topics is to say it plainly. “I’m not comfortable talking about that yet” or “I’m not ready to tell you that, yet.” Yes, it might bother your partner, but you get to assert your own boundaries. If they become someone you feel safe or comfortable enough with, you may decide to tell them. That’s up to you.

Things You’ve Forgotten

While open and constant communication is ideal (and necessary) to healthy D/s relationships, we can’t do a brain dump on command, either. People forget things all the time. I know I do. Even being asked a direct question might not be enough to trigger a memory.

I’ve been told (and said), “But I asked you about that! Why didn’t you tell me?!” It’s not always deceptive. Sometimes we need another event to remind of us of something that happened. And if your partner is telling you now that they remember it, can it really be considered deception? They didn’t keep it from you; they simply didn’t remember.

Things You Don’t Want Anyone to Know

I’m a big advocate for baring your soul to a long-term D/s partner. Maybe not a play partner and definitely not in the early days of a relationship, but eventually, soul-baring should be a thing for you. That being said, you are still entitled to your boundaries. If you experienced some kind of trauma (physical, mental, or emotional) that you’re not ready to talk about, you get to make that choice.

What I will say is that your partner can’t make educated and reasoned decisions about your D/s dynamic if they don’t have all the facts. It’s also easier to, unintentionally, trigger a negative reaction from you out of pure ignorance. If something you don’t want to discuss might be impacted by your power exchange or kinky fuckery, you’ll need to share a little. At least let your partner know what they can and can’t do if you know it’ll mess with your head.

Pure Deception

Okay, so now we’re at the evil kind of secrets. These are the lies, deceptions, and dishonest moments that your partner really doesn’t want you to know about. They involve sneaking around and pretending. If you’re the liar-liar-pants-on-fire, it’s definitely not a good look and could destroy your relationship.

I’m not the type who can overlook deception like this. Once my trust is broken (and this is one way it can happen), I’m done. But other people are different and may be willing to resolve the issue and stay together. It’s not an easy choice to make. What I will say is that if you catch your partner in a lie, the D/s may need to be placed on hold until you trust them again.

Are there other kinds of secrets we forgot to mention? Share with us in the comments below or on Twitter. This week’s episode (131) will focus on secrets in your D/s relationship. Thanks to Chloe Dare for the topic suggestion!

How D/s Helps My Depression and Mental State

We are so glad to welcome S.G. Bound, erotic author and budding blogger, as our contributor this month. She’s sharing her personal story of how finding D/s has helped her deal with her depression and improve her mental state.

In 2005 I suffered a mental breakdown.  MrH took 6 weeks off work to care for me and our two children.   When he returned to work, the medications had started to take effect.  It took five years and lots of counseling for me to feel recovered enough to return to work; but I am not the same.

I used to be described as outgoing, opinionated, loud, a go-getter, bossy, strong willed, and yes, quite dominant.  After?  Well I could put on an act, but I couldn’t maintain it for more than a few hours.  The unknown filled me with dread and I compensated by trying to control everything around me.

Throughout all this MrH and I remained strong, our relationship was very typically vanilla and very loving.  So, when in July last year I asked if he would be my Dominant, if we could explore bondage and discipline, he was a little surprised.  Especially as I am in constant pain from a back complaint.

The Beginning Wasn’t Easy

Ignoring for a moment the absolutely awesome sex that has become part of our D/s relationship, the benefits to my mental state have been unbelievable. 

In the beginning I had massive mood swings.  I was horny and needy.  I was clingy and dependent.  Handing control to him meant I lost my balance.  When he wasn’t there I felt lost, uncertain, like a small dependent child.  I was adrift.  Suddenly, I didn’t know how to ‘be’ without his input. I needed constant reassurance, and I became extremely emotional and cried a lot. 

I would be so relieved when he arrived home I would cry some more.  And I worried that he would decide that D/s was no good for me if I was affected in this way, so I tried to conceal it.  It never worked.  He would see through it and, by trying to hide my feelings I felt dishonest

We learned that being given a list of simple tasks to complete when he was at work reduced the effect.  Knowing what I was expected to do gave me purpose. My submissive heart looked forward to receiving my instructions.  I could keep busy without having to decide what to do, I just had to do as I was told.  I began an online blog, and this too helped pass the time.

Finding What Works

As things progressed MrH increased his expectations of me.  I am expected to keep my body prepared in the way he likes it, and so I shave daily. As I complete this daily personal maintenance I feel my brain calm, as I feel my submissive mind set settle over me.   Each evening after my shower, I run his bath.  As I agitate the water to create bubbles I feel content to be able to do something nice for him. 

I prepare supper for us at the appropriate time and serve it to him in bed.  He always thanks me for this and it makes me smile.  When he arrives home from work I am sometimes instructed to help him out of his work clothes and into his lounge wear.  I like serving him in this way. 

Every new command that MrH issued made me calmer.  Every rule he put in place increased my inner peace.  But it was when I received my first punishment that I realized how much this new lifestyle had changed me. 

Rules and Punishment

I had developed a bad habit of waking up at about 2am and eating a snack before going back to sleep.  I needed to break this habit, so I asked MrH to help me.  He issued my first rule that would have a punishment attached should I fail.  I was not allowed downstairs for food at night without waking him up and asking permission. 

For the first few weeks this worked well.  I desperately didn’t want to disturb his sleep when he had work the next day.  My need to be obedient overruled my need to eat.  Then I broke the rule.  I had been awake for several hours.  Unable to sleep.  Hungry.  I talked myself into NOT waking him up, deciding that it was more important for him to sleep, and headed downstairs for a snack.  He won’t punish me I reasoned; he will understand.

He understood alright; he understood that I didn’t think he would follow through on the punishment.  And he told me I should have woken him up.  My punishment was issued.  100 lines.  I have not broken this rule since.  This was a turning point for me.  I realized he was truly in charge, he had taken on the role I asked him to. 

Growing and Changing

The new year brought new rules as MrH flexed his Dominant muscles further.  One of them has been removed by him since because it caused an increase in my pain, but the other four remain.  The rules are about my health and appearance, (eating healthily, wearing matching underwear), controlling my spending habits (no eBay or Amazon purchases without permission), and one for MrH personal delight (I’m not allowed to wear panties on a Friday).  Nothing too onerous I’m sure you will agree but they showed me he was invested in his role.

This realization has allowed me to fully relax my guard.  Knowing he is in charge allows me to let go of the need to control.  Every day that passed my anxiety lessened.  The more I felt his dominance the more I relaxed.  The more I relaxed, the calmer I felt.

It hasn’t all been plain sailing, but when I am in a calm submissive state I can honestly say I have never felt more ‘me.’

About S.G. Bound

A 40 something happily married submissive in a monogamous relationship with my Dominant husband.  We’re new to the life (less than 1 year in) but loving the intimacy and renewed connection that D/s has brought.

Want to read more from S.G. Bound?

Follow her personal blog at Sweet Girl’s Journal

Check out her erotic author website

What You Should Expect from D/s Relationships

In an interesting (and busy) Twitter conversation recently that asked about expectations and negotiations, it was the expectations part that stuck out to me the most. What can we expect from a future or current partner? Should we expect certain things? How do we deal with our expectations?

Every power exchange dynamic – D/s or some other form – is unique. And frankly, going in with expectations of what you think is supposed to happen can lead to bad outcomes. You can’t expect the other person to have your same limits or need the things you do. If it happens, great. But you’re an individual first, and we all want different things.

That being said, in nearly every D/s interaction, there are some universal behaviors that you should expect from each other.

Honesty

You’re talking about your power exchange dynamic here. Absolutely, both of you need to be honest. No matter what happens between the two of you and where it goes, if you can’t be honest, you’re doomed from the start. How can you consent to any of your kinky fuckery if the other person lies? You can’t! Not in a safe way. You may have to demand honesty, but you shouldn’t need to.

Acceptance

There’s no guarantee your kinky partner will love everything you love, but they should accept, without judgement, that this is who you are. Poly? Bisexual? Into weird freaky things (both “weird” and “freaky” are completely subjective)? They don’t have to be into it too to accept that it’s your thing.

The Freedom to Speak

I get antsy when I feel like I’m not being heard. That I can’t say what I need to say. In the conversations you have to start or build upon a D/s relationship, you need to feel safe to say what you think. Yes, you should expect that your (potential) partner will hear you out. And yes, you can set the parameters of what that freedom looks like (a set time, place, etc.) but it should always be there.

The Time to Think

Beware the person who demands fast answers and refuses to give you time to think. In negotiations, you’re talking about big changes in both your lives. One of you will be in charge. The other will submit. It’s a lot to take in, and yes, you should expect to have time to think it over. Even in established D/s dynamics, you have the right to take your time and make sure you’re comfortable with your decisions and choices.

Respect

It doesn’t matter which side of the D/s slash you’re on, respect – in and out of negotiations – is an absolute must. How can you believe this person will stick to the rules of your relationship if they can’t respect your feelings, beliefs, and thoughts? You earn the other’s respect, of course, and keep it by being worthy of it but even basic respect should be automatic.

Safety

You won’t always get the safety thing right. Over the years, John Brownstone missed my safeword once or twice. He always corrected the situation later, and it was fine. Mistakes happen. But habitual safety problems – ignoring safewords, not checking in, pushing hard limits – lead to bad outcomes.

That You’re In This Together

What “this” means in terms of your D/s relationship is unique to you and your partner. Romantic, platonic, sexual, playtime – whatever you have, it’s a mutual exchange of power. You’re both giving something to it and getting something in return. Yes, you can (and should!) expect some kind of mutually beneficial arrangement from your D/s dynamic.

Very little is universal in kink and D/s. We’re all too unique for that. What works for John Brownstone and myself won’t work for you. Going into a conversation with expectations can be a dangerous thing – for you or your partner. But some expectations are universal – or should be. You’re not wrong, broken, or a bad kinkster if you expect anything on this list from a partner. And a partner who refuses to (or won’t try) to give you these things is waving a whole lot of big red flags. Don’t ignore them.

Okay, now it’s your turn. Are there any other “universal” expectations you think kinksters should have with each other? Share in the comments below!

Older posts

© 2018 LovingBDSM

Theme by Anders NorenUp ↑