Show of hands — who’s looked at a D/s relationship (or any other flavor of relationship) and thought, “Hashtag relationship goals!” I know I have.
It’s easy to imagine what life will be like once we find the “perfect” Dominant or submissive partner or when we fully transition from vanilla to kink. But reality has a way of catching up with that image we build in our mind.
We’ve talked about disagreements and arguments in the past, and they happen in every relationship. But there are other small things that happen. They don’t mean your relationship is failing, only that there’s no such thing as perfect.
Here are six things that happen even in the most solid and seemingly “perfect” D/s relationships.
You Forget to Communicate
It doesn’t matter how much you remind yourself that you need to communicate, it’s easy to fall back on old habits. John Brownstone and I both find ourselves not saying what’s on our mind when we should. Thankfully when it happens, we speak up as soon as we realize what’s going on. Or we “force” the other to talk. Sometimes apologies have to be made, and sometimes we need to reconnect.
You Hate Something About Them
I hate the sound of John Brownstone’s chewing if I’m not also eating. Yes, that’s really specific and no, I don’t know why either. He hates that I keep lights on in every room. Sometimes we laugh about them, and sometimes we don’t. Yes, we’ve gotten into arguments over a stupid little thing that doesn’t actually matter much. As long as these things are small and don’t send you into constant rages, it’s probably fine.
One Of You Doesn’t Admit the Truth
I don’t like to call this a “lie” in the hurting, manipulative sense. These are usually lies of omission. You think you’re doing the right thing and not telling your partner something hurtful. Maybe you think it’s unimportant. You know you’ve done wrong when the truth comes out, and your Dom or sub isn’t happy with you. As long as it’s not a habit, not manipulative, and not harmful, you’re probably okay. As with all things, how you handle it and what you do after matters most.
You’ll Take Each Other For Granted
We don’t want to think it’ll happen, but eventually, you’ll probably take your partner for granted. They always do a thing for you, or they’re always there. Yes you love them and appreciate what they do, but you’ll forget for a moment. Maybe you don’t say “thank you” enough or you begin to make assumptions. Like communication, this is completely fixable once you realize what’s happening. Apologize, show gratitude, and ask what your partner needs from you.
You’ll Forget Something Important
If I didn’t repeat John Brownstone’s birthday to myself over and over again, I wouldn’t remember it. Saving it in my phone and adding a calendar reminder helps, too. Forgetting something once happens to all of us — an important appointment, an anniversary, whatever. It’s what you do later that matters most. Neither of you are the worst people in the world when you forget — you’re simply human. Take steps to remember next time, and you’ll likely be just fine.
Your Kinks Won’t Always Align
Will you be okay if you have zero kinks in common? Probably not. But do they have to match perfectly? Not at all. Compatibility matters but you don’t have to be an exact match in order to have a successful D/s relationship. You only need enough common interests to be satisfied in your relationship. While some people may decide to open their relationship to exploration with other partners, it’s not a requirement. There’s plenty to discover in even a single, shared kink.
If everything is awful all the time, and you never communicate or tell the truth, yes, there’s a serious problem in your D/s relationship. But if things are mostly good, and these are occasional blips, your relationship is likely solid. If you’re still worried, look at the patterns of your relationship — communication, trust, and happiness. That will tell you more than the occasional argument or lack of communication.
This week, in episode 135, we’re talking about how no relationship is perfect, even when two people are “perfect” for each other.
Now it’s your turn. What other normal things happen in any solid, healthy relationship? Talk to us in the comments below or on Twitter!