LovingBDSM

The Loving BDSM Podcast

Category: Kinky Fuckery (page 1 of 7)

Kinky fuckery is our catchall term for all the kinky things we can do — together or as individuals. These include individual kinks, fetishes, BDSM scene ideas, safety practices, and advice on how to try a new kink.

There are so many ways to get kinky and find satisfaction, sexual or otherwise, that this area will never stop growing. If you can imagine doing it, someone has kinked it up.

How to Play in Public and Private BDSM Dungeons

BDSM Dungeon. Those words cause many a kinkster to shiver, some out of excitement and some out of fear. If you have never been to a dungeon, it can seem intimidating. You are probably picturing a place full of sin, wantonness, wickedness and more. You could have a flogging scene happening in one corner and someone screaming in pleasure in another corner. Someone could be walking around, leading their partner who is on a leash and collar.  While all of those things may be happening, you will also see people just standing around catching up with friends.

How should you act?  The answers may very well depend on if you are at a public dungeon or a private dungeon. There are definite etiquette rules that you should follow at any type of dungeon, but there are also subtle differences between public and private play spaces that you should be prepared to navigate.

Consent

Consent is the cornerstone of BDSM. It’s given before you touch, whether it’s a person or their toys. In a public play space, people are very careful about getting consent for everything. Imagine you are surrounded by strangers, you do not want them touching you or your things without your permission.

In a private dungeon, consent is still an important part of the BDSM lifestyle but it’s a lot more subtle. The parties I throw in my dungeon average 45 people, most of whom know each other well. They are friends and many have scened together. So you will see a lot of touching, even hitting, where no consent seems to have been given. You will see tops picking up toys belonging to other tops without asking permission. What you won’t see is anyone getting upset or angry, because these friends have blanket permission to touch.

Keep in mind that if you are new to the group, that the permission does not extend to you.

Talking During Scenes

In a public dungeon, etiquette demands that you watch scenes from a distance and do not talk to those involved in the scene. If you want to socialize there are areas in every club meant just for that. If you’re watching a scene but want to say something to your friend next to you – get in their ear and whisper. Keep the conversation to a minimum. In a private dungeon, you may still have couples participating in scenes who prefer to not chat, but you are just as likely to find a lot of discussion between scene participants and onlookers.

In a private dungeon, you are more likely to see interactions during scenes. The guests are all usually good friends and may banter with each other as scenes are going. The important thing to remember is that the bantering is happening because of the relationships that are already established. If you are new to the group or the private dungeon, this is not an invitation for you to automatically participate. Watch the interactions, see if the people in the scene are speaking to only a select few or are inviting other audience members to speak, then use your best judgment.

Dungeon Monitors 

A Dungeon Monitor (sometimes referred to as a DM) is a person charged with supervising a playspace (or “dungeon”). The primary responsibility of a Dungeon Monitor is to ensure the physical safety of all participants engaging in BDSM play.  These people may be of any sex and can identify as any role (dominant, submissive, or switch), but while on duty their authority is absolute. If a Dungeon Monitor orders a play scene to stop, it must be stopped immediately. They often wear a special uniform, hat or armband, so they are more easily identifiable.

In a private dungeon, more often than not, the host is the dungeon monitor though they may also assign a close friend to serve in that capacity. The responsibility of a dungeon monitor is the same whether in a public or private dungeon. However, because participants in a private dungeon know each other well, the DM’s may appear more lenient. The familiarity allows the DM’s to better understand participants skill levels and boundaries.

Entrance Fees

At a public dungeon, there is usually a fee for entry into an event. In addition, many dungeons require you to be a member before attending any events. Private dungeons may or may not charge an entrance fee. They may also ask that you bring food or beverages to share with other party guests.

And while membership of some type is typically not required at private playspaces, guests may need to go through a vetting process before they are allowed to attend an event.

Equipment 

Public dungeons usually have a wide variety of equipment and multiple items of the same piece while private dungeons to be more limited in options. Therefore, being considerate of your fellow guests is essential. Be aware of the amount of time you are spending on a particular piece of equipment because there are likely others who are waiting for their turn.

Also because private dungeons are typically smaller than public spaces, you may want to limit the amount of toys you bring to play with. Don’t plan on bringing your entire arsenal. Instead, plan out your scene in advance so that you bring only the implements you believe you will use that night.

Ultimately whether you are at a public or private dungeon, you need to be respectful of house and playspace rules, especially in a private dungeon which is often someone’s home. If you have questions as to what those rules are, don’t hesitate to ask the host. This way everyone will have a fun and enjoyable time.

About Rara

Rara is a kink party and event planner in the Washington, DC area. She has her own personal dungeon where she holds BDSM play parties.  She also hosts munches, facilitates a discussion group on Poly and Power Exchange Relationships and organizes educational classes. Rara is an active member of her local BDSM community enjoying life as a poly masochistic bottom. Her kinks include impact, rope suspension, needles and more.

Want to learn more about Rara?

Follow her on FetLife or Twitter or Tumblr.

If you liked this post by Rara, check out her post: The Do’s and Don’ts of Going to a Munch or When a Kinky Scene Goes Bad.

Feel free to share your thoughts or questions about private and public BDSM dungeons in the comments below or talk to us on Twitter!

6 Reactions You Might Experience in a BDSM Scene

Let’s start off with a few points of clarification on this one.

One: Not everyone has a big reaction (emotional or otherwise) during their BDSM scene or kinky fuckery. And that’s okay. You can still have a great time and not emote all over the place.

Two: Some emotional reactions happen later and in private. That’s okay, too.

Three: Having or not having a specific reaction is not an indicator of the quality, intensity, or pleasure of your BDSM scene.

That being said at times some people will and do have different kinds of big reactions during their kinky fuckery. Some are about your personality and how you tend to react to stimuli. Others may be about what’s on your mind or your emotional state before or during your scene. And still other reactions may seem completely random in the moment and are new to you.

Basically, what I’m saying is that’s it complicated, it varies from person to person and scene to scene, and as always, your mileage may vary.

All that being said, here are some emotional reactions that can happen when you get kinky.

Crying

This may be the most well-known, but playing in an intense way with any kind of kinky fuckery like  orgasm control, spankings, or anything else can produce tears. Everyone will have a different reason (if they even know why they’re crying). For me, it’s often a huge emotional release. Whatever tension I’ve been carrying around in my body comes out through the force of impact and pain.

Often it’s because I have to focus on the moment, the sensations, and what I feel in that second — instead of all the crap in my head. A few moments of mindfulness, pleasure, and feeling connected to John Brownstone, and I might be a puddle of tears. But it doesn’t just because I want it to happen. I’ve asked to be spanked until I cried and while I felt better, not a tear was shed.

Laughter

Some people react with laughter when they have an intense moment or feel overwhelming pleasure. I’ve heard it before in someone else’s scene, and it sounds like pure joy bubbling up to the surface from a deep well. Even if it’s a little jarring to hear in a BDSM club filled with implements of “torture,” it’s also amazing to witness. Laughter is just as valid as tears, and can be a similar release of emotion and tension.

Some kinksters enjoy tickle play for exactly this reason. Yes, there’s power and control, but there’s also laughter. And that can be an amazing emotional release.

Defiance

I can’t fully explain this one (I’ll leave that to the psychological experts out there) but I have absolutely felt defiant in the middle of a scene. I wanted what we were doing, and I fully consented to the moment. And yes, I loved the sensations. But instead of melting into pleasure or crying out my stress, I pushed back.

  • “Is that all you’ve got?”
  • “I can take it.”
  • Refusing to say “red” or even “yellow” when I was starting to fade.

I’ve never entered a scene planning to “take it all” but somewhere between the first smack and probably the third, it’s all I can think about. This feeling of, “I’ll win this round.” John Brownstone has reared back like a baseball player with a paddle, and I’ve smirked and said, “Green” like it was some sort of challenge. Thankfully, he’s smarter and more cautious than I am and stops sooner rather than later.

Subspace

No conversation about emotional reactions in a BDSM scene is complete without subspace. Not everyone experiences it, and those of us who have don’t feel it every time. The stars, your body chemistry, and the moment have to align just right. What I do know is that the more you stress and worry over it, the less likely it is to happen.

Scening to get into subspace can be a recipe for disaster. The point is to do something that feels good, makes you want more, or gives you something that you need. Subspace is an extra layer of icing on an already delicious kinky cake. And while a good portion of the response is physical — endorphins, dopamine, and all that — for some, there’s definitely an emotional component.

Dom or Top Space

Not to leave out Dominants, Dom space (or Top space) is also a legitimate thing. Like subspace, it shouldn’t be the goal or the point, and you can’t predict it. John Brownstone describes it has a hyperawareness and absolute focus on the moment, me, and what he’s doing. More so than normal.

Like subspace, it’s caused by a chemical reaction in the body and brain. When it happens, John Brownstone is wired for the rest of the night and crashes the next day, absolutely exhausted. Why? Because what goes up must come down.

Panic or Fear

Not all BDSM scenes go as planned, and we don’t always have the reaction we think we will — Dom or sub. It’s not unusual to start a scene, do something, and safeword, panic, or feel like you can’t handle it. The most important part of this moment is that your partner stops all play. (Yes, it can happen to a Dominant too, and yes, a submissive needs to respect the needs of their partner.)

Why it happens depends on so many factors. Did you hit a boundary or hard limit you didn’t know you had? Do you have anxiety or suffer from panic attacks? Was it a bad tape or a trigger from another time? You don’t even have to know why it happened. It’s still a valid response and no, you’re not broken or wrong.

Are these every single reaction someone could have in a scene or during kinky fuckery? Of course not. Will you experience all or any of them in your own scene? Not necessarily. But it’s also important to know that it can happen so when it does, you don’t think there’s something wrong with you.

In episode 145 of the Loving BDSM podcast, we’re going to discuss a “common” reaction that people seek out or talk about most: the “good” kind of tears as an emotional release.

Have you had different emotional reactions in a scene before? Do you do certain things to help yourself or your partner through these reactions? Share your thoughts with us in the comments below or talk to us on Twitter!

4 Risks We’ve Taken in BDSM — Before and After We Knew Better

For some people, risky sex is hot as hell. It turns them on, makes the sex better, and makes them feel alive. For people like me (who live in a near constant state of anxiety), the idea of a risk is enough to make me hyperventilate. At best, it stresses me out, and I worst, I run and hide from it, even if it’s a relatively “safe” risk. But that doesn’t mean  neither I nor John Brownstone haven’t engaged in risky behavior in the past.

We didn’t do it for the rush or because it turned us on. Depending on when it happened, we either didn’t know any better or (and this is a big one), we knew the risks and let our intuition guide us.

Meeting a New Dominant in Your Home

The first time John Brownstone came to see me, we met in my home. Sure, I knew the safety measure of meeting in a public place and letting someone know where I was going. This was a time when I ignored that rule because my instinct said everything was okay. This doesn’t mean that my instincts couldn’t have been wrong, but after months of speaking, multiple phone calls, pictures, and never being lied to, I felt safe.

It helped that he offered to meet anywhere else. He was fine not knowing where I lived until later. We both hoped everything would work out, but he was willing to back down if it didn’t feel comfortable. Knowing all of that — and seeing how consistent he’d been for the past five months — I felt safe. I know myself, so I know that without all of that reassurance, I wouldn’t have felt the same way. But if I didn’t feel safe, I wouldn’t have wanted him to come visit me, either.

And always the Daddy Dom, he lectured me about it during the planning and later.

Not Having Your Own Place To Go

In long distance D/s relationships, the only time you can be together is when one (or both) of you travels some distance away from home. This means you need a hotel room or to stay at their place (or in a mutual hotel room). When you’re new to each other, the least risky option is to have your own place. That way, if you get a bad vibe or the chemistry isn’t there, you have your own space to retreat to.

Both with my first Dominant and John Brownstone I broke this rule. I’m not advocating for anyone to do this. I can look back on it now, with my first Dom, and see why it was a HORRIBLE idea. We meshed well, but what if it we hadn’t? Where would I have gone? It literally never occurred to me as I got in the car and drove to see him for that first weekend. Assuming I could have gotten out safely, I guess I would have driven the seven hours back home. But I honestly don’t know.

Scening During Your First Meeting

In a BDSM club, people meet, negotiate, and play sometimes upon first meeting. But from what I’ve seen that’s rare unless your club is known as a hook-up scene. My local scene isn’t like that. People don’t usually play with people they just meet. They chat at munches, get to know each other, and (usually) ask around first.

In relationships (especially those that start online), it really should be the same way. Sure, you’ve talked online or over the phone, but you don’t know how a person acts in public until you’re there with them. It’s not uncommon to get a weird or bad vibe from someone who seemed perfectly fine over the phone.

Aaaand yes, I completely ignored that rule, too. In my first D/s relationship, it was pure subfrenzy that did it. I’d never submitted before, and I was more than eager to do whatever. Thankfully, he started slowly. With John Brownstone, we were so eager for each other that we jumped right into it, and it’s still one of the very few times I used my safeword. He truly spanked me too hard, and I didn’t like it.

But what if he’d been the kind of person to ignore a safeword? What if my first Dominant had insisted we start hard and heavy? Knowing what I know how, I don’t play with anyone until I’ve seen them in action, hung around with them, and done a lot of talking.

Not Knowing the Risks of Kinky Sex Toys

Kinky toys are fun and good and can make you feel all kinds of good things, but they’re only fun as long as you use them properly. We talk all the time about practicing your flogging and paddling on a pillow or yourself before hitting another person. Anyone who hit the too-high setting on a vibrator knows how intense that can be, especially if it’s an unpleasant sensation.

Even the most benign sex toy can feel bad if not used properly or just in a way you don’t like. Before you try something new, test it out. Every thing John Brownstone hits me with goes across his arm or thigh and then my arm or thigh, before ever coming in contact with my ass. With bondage, he constantly checks to make sure it fits, isn’t too tight, or that my extremities aren’t cold or tingling. Because your toys become a lot less fun when they don’t feel good.

Back in the day, when John Brownstone was still learning, he tried nipple clamps right out of the package without doing his homework. Clamps are fun, but you can’t leave them on forever (no matter what porn says). Cutting off circulation to any part of the body for too long is extremely risky and can turn pleasant pain into something unbearable. Thankfully, he learned that lesson before he met me.

Only You Can Decide What Feels Too Risky

As long as you’re a consenting and legal adult, you get to decide what risks you’ll take or not. While we caution everyone to play safe, this is your life, and only you can decide what you will and won’t do. The important thing, I think, is to make a fully-informed decision. Understand the risks first, and then break the “rules” because you’ve got all the information.

If John Brownstone (and my first Dom) had triggered my spidey-senses and not earned my trust, I wouldn’t have met them in the first place. But not everyone trusts their instincts that way. Some people are so eager to play and get kinky, they ignore their own intuition.

So the first rule of doing risky things is to be the type of person who listens to your gut. That will often tell you whether you’re taking too big of a risk.

If you know you usually end up in bad situations, the best thing to do is play it safe. Realize what the risks are and avoid them. No, we can’t avoid all risks in life. But we don’t have to put ourselves in front of an oncoming train, either.

Yes, go out and have kinky adventures! But also, be smart and safe about it. Don’t say yes to first person who offers kinky fun unless you understand the risks involved and feel comfortable with the person and the risks. It’s okay to decline and walk away. I promise you, this isn’t the only person who will ever make the offer to get kinky with you.

Okay, it’s your turn. What risks have you taken, now or when you first learned about BDSM? And would you do them again? Share in the comments below or talk to us on Twitter!

Kink of the Week logo

5 Things to Know About Face Slapping

Thank you, Kink of the Week, for giving us an excuse to talk about one of our favorite kinks — face slapping! We’ve discussed it as part of my (Kayla) humiliation fetish, but not necessarily how to do it. As always, this is from our perspective, and we’d love to hear from other people who play with face smacks and slaps, too.

Only Smack the Cheek

Watch where your hand and fingers are before you smack. A couple of times, John Brownstone has aimed wrong and hit me in the ear. Thankfully he wasn’t slapping me all that hard at the time, but it still made my ears ring.

For submissives: If your partner aims badly and hits you in a way you don’t like, speak up! You’re not ruining the scene when you do. Pain you don’t want ruins the scene.

Give a Warning

You can give a verbal warning or a sign to let your partner know their face is about to be slapped. John Brownstone rubs my cheek in a really soothing way. I relax and lean in for what I know is coming.

For submissives: When you get the signal, relax your jaw. A clenched jaw can make face slapping more painful and jarring. Of course, if you like that, try it out, but be careful.

Try It During Sex

Sometimes I get my face smacked because I’m being a bit snarky and too sassy. For kinksters who like to use it to show power and control, it’s fucking hot. But during sex, a smack to the cheek can add a whole new dimension. My body responds by clenching around whatever is in my vagina, which is usually his cock. During a blowjob, I moan around him, which he also loves.

For submissives: Even if penetrative sex with a penis or blowjobs aren’t your thing, your body may respond in all kinds of ways. I tend to go into a light layer of subspace and feel all floaty, too.

Use It Sparingly

I like to think of some kinky things we do like seasoning on food. Use too much, and it ruins the moment. Like any kinky thing we do, you can potentially build up a tolerance to face slapping. Meaning that to make it feel good, you have to hit harder and harder. That’s problematic when you’re smacking someone’s face.

For submissives: A red bloom on your cheek is one thing; a big bruise is something entirely different, something you don’t want to have to explain later.  Part of what I love about being smacked in the face is the element of surprise which is another reason not to do it all the time.

Speak Up

Not comfortable hitting your partner? Thought you’d like it but it’s giving you feelings you don’t want? Whether you’re the D or the s, you need to speak up and say something. Just because “everyone” is into a kinky thing doesn’t mean you have to be, too. Feel free to try face slapping if it interests you, but only keep doing it if you really enjoy it.

Face slapping is my jam, ya’ll. I love it so fucking much, but I know it’s best in moderation and only when the mood is right. We’ve used it during BDSM scenes, during sex, and when my mouth overruns my good sense. Because it’s my kink, hits a few fetishes, and I trust John Brownstone, it makes me go all gooey on the inside, no matter what reason he uses for doing it.

Got thoughts on face slapping? Any tricks or ways you’ve used it that we didn’t mention? Share with us in the comments below or talk to us on Twitter!

Celebrating Three Years with a Kinky Fuckery Giveaway!

It’s happening. It’s really, really happening!

Loving BDSM turns three on August 27, 2018, so we’re celebrating all month long!!

How?

Well, we’ve got a sale going on our newly remodeled Kinky Fuckery Shop — canes, paddles, butt plugs, oh my!

Use code NEWSHOP to save 10 percent. Shop the Kinky Fuckery Shop

But wait….there’s more!

We’re also giving away kinky fuckery to one lucky winner!

  • A spreader bar set
  • One pair of nipple clamps
  • And…a cane OR paddle of your choosing from the shop!

Yes, that’s right, the lucky winner gets to pick one of John Brownstone’s weapons of ass destruction as their prize.

We might add a few goodies for fun, but those are the main prizes. Use them together or separately, and you’re guaranteed something kinky.

The giveaway is open for the entire month of August (2018). A winner will be selected by random drawing in the first week of September. Entries are open to anyone in the United States, Canada, or the UK. You must be 21 or older to enter.

Enter for a chance to win everyday!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

For the record, we’re freaking out (in a good way) that we’re three years into the podcast. What started as a whim — one of my many ideas — has become a thing that connects so many of us to each other. But we’re not just about the advice, the rants, the rambles, or the reminders to communicate. We also love some kinky fuckery, and we’re happy to share that with you, too!

A big thanks to Kink Crate for the spreader bar and nipple clamp for this giveaway. If new prizes are added, we’ll let you know!

 

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