LovingBDSM

The Loving BDSM Podcast

Author: Kayla Lords (page 1 of 45)

My Body is Not Mine: Eating Disorders and Kink

Welcome back B. Mercy to the blog. Today is the second of her two-part blog series on eating disorders and kink. Read the first post here.

My body is not mine.

That’s what throbs through my body, subconsciously, when I kneel before a toilet bowl.

In a bulimia crisis moment, my body is not mine.  In this terrible moment, my body belongs to doubts, hate, lies, and bad pain. The urge to purge is so strangely seductive. Kinksters know how humiliating, painful, and taboo behaviors can have that dark allure.  Addicts and self harmers know that same pull.

In this moment I’m driven by layers of urges and none of them are good. I don’t want to look this way. I don’t want to weigh this way. I don’t want to curve and bulge and squeeze. My mirror and my mind clash hard. My insides twist and make me think I feel sick to my stomach. I want release in such a warped way. 

When you stick your fingers down your throat, when you make yourself purge your insides, there’s a mix of violent physical reactions and a flood of soothing endorphins. We’ve each had a moment where it just feels really good to toss our cookies. It eases pain, nausea, worry. You’ve had those moments when you can’t hold back—your body has its own ideas about what it needs to do. It’s gross but it somehow feels worth it.

But when you purge, you don’t throw up just the once. You’re manipulating your body’s reflexes.  When a wave really gets going, you stay over that bowl heaving and gagging until there really isn’t anything left. That sour unique taste of bile fills your tongue for a good while before your reflexes finally relax.  Your whole abdomen clenches hard, trying to force out anything left. It’s violent. It’s mutilation. And that’s what my disease, what my bad pain wants. 

And the exercise is useless because it isn’t exorcising any demons. It’s fucking up by body. My teeth, stomach, throat. It tastes horribly foul. It creates a mess in the bathroom with all the spatter of digested food and juices.  It only compounds all my deep dark terrible thoughts: I am disgusting. It’s like being imprisoned and locking yourself in a tighter, meaner cage because you’re so afraid of the cell you’re already in.

These are moments where you can be so wrapped up in the physical and mental sensations of mere seconds that everything else fades away. Kinksters know these moments well. So do those of us who have self harmed. There is symmetry in the places I’ve been in the midst of a bulimia crisis and in the midst of utter submission.

It’s appropriate. The battle against an eating disorder starts in the mirror. You have to divorce what is actually in the mirror vs what you think it means. In kink we tend to think of things as mirrored, interlocking parts—pleasure and pain, dominance and submission, control and agency.    

My body is not mine.

That’s what throbs through my soul, subconsciously, when I sit on a toilet before my Sir.

In this intimate moment, my body is not mine.  The urges are both mine and not: he’s the one who likes watching his submissives pee, and my desires are to increasingly (and safely) submit.  This used to be something I never thought I could ever do. There is so much shame attached. But that’s how we kinksters flip things. Shame can be seductive. Shame can be engaged with in a way that isn’t harmful but actually healthy.

I sit there, totally nude, on the porcelain seat. He cups my chin in his hand. There’s of course the need for natural physical release hanging in the air here. But there’s another sort of release that I’m just on the cusp on. Here is something that one is always supposed to do in private. It’s supposed to be disgusting. And letting yourself be seen in the midst of this every day natural bodily function is a societal sin of the highest kind. But if I break that taboo… If I submit to that level of exposure… There’s a freedom there that I’ve been coaxed into tasting.

Something clicks and I release. I pee. There’s a sigh that escapes my lips. We all have had that moment where we’ve had to ‘hold it’ and then finally get to ‘go’. But this goes beyond that. There’s the subspace tingle that settles over me. I’ve achieved a new level of submission to my Dominant. I overcame a challenge (and no minor one at that). I’ve pleased him. 

But this goes even further. I sometimes think that just my clothed body is disgusting. And my naked one even worse. And my body contorted in all sorts of ways for kink and sex, a total nightmare. But how could any of that be meaningfully true now? My partner requested for, observed, and smiled at me pissing. He is, assuredly, not getting caught up on how many stretch marks I have or how round I am. And if he isn’t, why should I?

I have found greater self confidence, better self healing, by being approved of in the eyes of another. My various Doms’ approval of my body has helped to cement my own approval of my body. Being told I’m sexy doesn’t sound like a lie or delusion anymore.  I can trust a Dominant to bind me, hurt me, humiliate me. So I can trust them and believe them when they say: I’m not disgusting. I’m beautiful inside and out. I don’t ever deserve to feel the way I do when I purge.

Hurt can be seductive. And that can fuck you up. But the beauty of kink is how we take twisted things and give them another twist. Pain doesn’t have to be some dead end road.  You can take the darkness and make it healthy, take the humiliating and make it desirable. The gross can be fun. The private can be open. Agony and shame can be healing.

About B. Mercy

Bittersweet Mercy is a bi and bold millennial who tries to save the world under one name by day and at night writes, performs stand up, and plays under aliases.  This summer she will be starting a new life in the DC area and looks forward to introducing new friends to her one-eyed tuxedo cat.

Service Submission LB137

In the first of what will surely be many conversations about submission, we’re discussing service submission. We give a (very) broad overview of what it means and then dive into our very personal experiences with it.

In this episode:

  • Join us on Patreon!
  • Kayla’s definition of service submission — as a service submissive.
  • Being told what to do vs setting expectations for what needs to be done
  • Yes, you can be just a service submissive or it can be part of your submission
  • Gratitude and appreciation are often necessary for many service submissives to want to keep serving.

Links from the show:

9 Different Types of Submission (blog post)

Having an Attitude of Gratitude in Your D/s Relationship (podcast)

Subscribe on YouTube

Become a patron on Patreon

Support the show

Postcard Project

Kayla Lords on Fetlife

John Brownstone on Fetlife

Contact us!

Listen to the show:

iTunes

Google Play

Your favorite podcast app!

9 Different Types of Submission

A quick note before we jump into this: This isn’t a comprehensive list of every form of submission. That would take a long time to create and longer to read. Our list also shows each type as it’s own separate identity. Most submissives are amalgamations of many types, based on what best fits their personality and preferences. 

A second note: Yes, sometimes labels suck because they seem to force people into narrow boxes. Take these labels and definitions in the context of their intended meaning — to educate and start a conversation. They’re not the gospel, and we’re not Jesus. 

For the record, you can be any kind of submissive you want to be. Mix a little of this, a lot of that, and none of the other, and you’ve found what works for you. I know from experience that the type of submission that suits me best changed over time. What works for me now as a submissive is different than the early days or when John Brownstone and I were in a long-distance relationship.

We’re all unique and there’s no single right way to be a submissive. But, all that said, let’s talk about the different types of submission.

Service Submission

Service submission is not (necessarily) sexual submission. It tends to refer to submissives who perform services for their Dominant. The most common form is domestic service — cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. But a service submissive may also do your taxes, mow your lawn, clean your pool, or fix your car. The act matters a lot less than the feeling behind it — being of service and making the Dominant’s life a little (or a lot) easier and more comfortable.

Sexual Submission

A lot of submissives fall into this category, myself included. When it’s time to get naked, I’m the bottom, you’re the top, and I need you (John Brownstone) to lead. Sexual submission might be taking orders and being of use. But it could also be more primal with some amount  of resistance and making your Dominant work for your submission. And, as always, it could be somewhere in between the two.

Forced Submission

I haven’t found a good term for this type of submission and make no mistake, it’s consensual. But this isn’t a SAM, although more on them in a moment. Some submissives don’t want their submission coerced or seduced from them. They want it taken, sometimes with brute force. Sometimes it’s primal, but not always. They’re the “Make me” kind of submissive. Based on conversations I’ve had with a few people like this, I’ve been told it’s about the Dominant proving they’re stronger and worthy of submission.

Smart-Assed Masochist (SAM)

I don’t think all SAMs are masochists, but they’re kind of the brat of the bunch. They’re definitely trying to provoke their Dominant. As an accidental SAM, I can tell you it’s not always on purpose. I have SAM tendencies but don’t embrace the label because it’s not intentional when I do it. Some SAMs are driven by the punishment, others by the pain. When I’m in SAM mode, John Brownstone knows the worst (and also best) punishment for me is something that doesn’t cause physical pain. (And that’s why he’s the sadist.) I would say that the label of “brat” might be a SAM or it may be the person who wants their submission forced, or a combination of the two.

Littles

In the little category, you’ll find a huge range of types: babygirls/gurls, babyboys/bois, age players, middles, etc. However it manifests, one trait remains fairly constant: we tend to have younger than our natural age behaviors, traits, and/or mindset. Their Dominant is a Caregiver, even if they don’t take a Mommy or Daddy title. A little wants or needs to be nurtured, taken care of, and, sometimes, be completely free of responsibility for a period of time.

Slaves

Like any other form of submission, there’s a spectrum in being a slave. Some want to be and are extremely micromanaged. Details like when to eat, what to eat, when to use the bathroom, and when to speak are decided by their Master. Other slaves have fewer of the outward acts but may have a slave heart. I would imagine most if not all slaves have a slave heart, and I’ll let them define that for themselves. Slaves tend to give up even more control to their Dominant partner than other types of submissives do.

Furries

Furries may be primal and enjoy primal play (based more on who’s stronger and Alpha, and it’s more animalistic play) or they may, like littles, take on characteristics of specific animals. No, this isn’t about bestiality, just as Caregiver/little isn’t about pedophilia. But animals can’t speak and can only do what their Master/Dom/Caretaker let them do. Or not, as the case may be. Animals have minds of their own, and so do furries. Not all are docile and quick to obey. Kittens and puppies are most common in furries but definitely not the only options. See our post on butt plug tails for an idea of what kind of furry options are out there.

Pro Submissive

I will not pretend to know a lot about this, and yes, this is probably very rare. Pro Doms and Dommes are much more common, comparatively. But I know a professional submissive (she’s a fellow sex blogger), so I felt like it should be included here. She has clients who want the experience of Dominating someone but don’t have a steady partner. Or they need a second partner for a  scene with their submissive or bottom. There is negotiation and consent before anything begins. From what I can tell, some form of aftercare is provided even if it’s not what we might be familiar with in D/s relationships.

Internet Submission

This one is not included as a knock at people who haven’t experienced submission in the “real” world. For some, this is all they want, and for others, they haven’t had the opportunity to do more than this. But if the feeling is real for you, then so is your submission. As someone who has done what someone online told me to do, even though I could never prove I’d done it, I think it’s real. Do I believe that physical, in person experiences are more powerful and meaningful? To me, yes. But is online submission real and powerful? For those who embrace it, yes.

Even in making this list, I can come up with a few other options. But for the basics, this is a good start. If you recognize traits of yourself or your submissive in multiple types, that doesn’t surprise me. Personally, I’m a sexual and service submissive, a babygirl (little) with primal tendencies, who is sometimes a SAM and has fantasies of being forced to submit. Basically, we’re all complex, and that’s okay.

In episode 137 this week, we’re talking specifically about service submission, but don’t worry we’ll get to other types of submission in upcoming episodes. Got thoughts on submission? Share in the comment section or talk to us on Twitter!

His Two Favorite Penis Masturbators

Consider this a tale of two penis masturbators. Proof-positive that you can enjoy multiple types of stimulation — which is why (when you can afford it) having multiple sex toys can be really fun.

We’re joining in for Kink of the Week to talk about John Brownstone’s two favorite masturbators.

Tenga Egg

picture of wavy tenga eggWhile in London at my first Eroticon, shopping at a sex toy store (as you do) I picked up a Tenga egg for John Brownstone, on a whim. I didn’t even really know what it did. But I wanted him to know I was thinking of him while we were apart.

Does anything else say, “I’m thinking of you” like sex toys?

The Tenga egg is a masturbator that fits over your penis. You stroke it up and down so that textured material stimulates your penis instead of just your hand. Straight out of the package, it’s ready to go because it’s already lubed up.

He looooooves his Tenga egg. I didn’t realize it was supposed to be a one-time use toy until he confessed that he had to be very careful when he cleaned it.

“We can buy more Tenga eggs!!!”

I was a bit appalled. We’re not rolling in money, but like the eggs in the refrigerator, I can buy more if he really wants some. It seems fair. He lets me buy the expensive cage-free eggs to eat, and I’m happy for him to have these eggs to play with.

He doesn’t have to keep re-using it, but he loves it. (But also, I really need to buy him new ones.)

Hot Octopuss Pulse III Duo

Hot Octopuss Pulse III DuoFull disclosure: we received the Pulse III Duo back in 2016 in exchange for an honest review. And we were happy to do it. It’s not a cheap masturbator, though, and without the review, we might not own one now.

But from that moment, Hot Octopuss has been one of our favorite sex toy companies. We’ve tried their other penis toys — a smaller version of the Pulse (aka the Pocket Pulse) and the Atom cock ring (the standard and the Plus). When I say “we,” I mostly mean him. He uses, I watch, and we both get off in our own way.

But time and time again, he comes back to the Pulse III Duo (affiliate link). Probably for the same reason I consistently use the same vibrators. It makes him feel something that other toys just don’t.

When I went to Eroticon in 2017, that same trip where I bought the never-to-be-thrown-away Tenga egg, he told me to tell Aly and Adam from HO one thing:

“I used it until the battery died, and now I have to wait to recharge it so I can use it again.”

It was a strange first introduction, but it sums up our relationship with Hot Octopuss. Frankly, once you’ve told a complete stranger your partner loves a sex toy so much they wore the battery down, you form a bond that’s not easily broken.

Also, if you’re wondering if he had a good time without me, I think we know the answer to that, too.

The Pulse III (Duo or Solo) is designed for people with penises who also have physical disabilities, but it can be used by anyone with a penis. You can be soft or rock hard when you put your penis in it. You don’t even have to stroke yourself with it. The oscillations (instead of vibrations) do the work for you.

Which One is His Absolute Favorite?

So how does he pick which he loves better? I think that’s like picking your favorite child. But he doesn’t need a favorite. It’s not about loving one masturbator over another. Like people who love their collection of dildos or vibrators, he likes different sex toys for different reasons. Because they make him feel good in their own way.

By embracing different sensations, he can pick and choose what to play with when the mood strikes. And the next time he refers to me as a “greedy girl” (which I am), I’m going to remind him about the times when he uses both. Not at the same time, but certainly in the same evening. Stroking himself with one, then switching to the other. I think that’s why they’re called toys, y’all. Because you get to play.

Since we’re always looking for more ways to play, what are your favorite penis masturbators? Share in the comments below or talk to us on Twitter!

Intimacy in D/s Relationships LB136

We’ve spent the past several days focusing on creating space for the small, intimate moments in our relationship. That intimacy has helped us reconnect, made us feel closer, and been positive for both of us — as individuals and a D/s couple. So let’s talk about why intimacy is so important and how to experience it for yourself.

In this episode:

  • Join us on Patreon to help us do this thing we do.
  • Intimacy might be sexual or romantic, or it might not. It’s about the moments that create a connection between partners.
  • When the kink or sex slow down, small intimacies can be very important.
  • A million different ways to be intimate — no one right way or method.
  • Can reconnect you when you feel a distance — physical or emotional.

Links from the show:

Sleeping and waking, recreated (blog post by Molly Moore)

Become a patron on Patreon

Support the show

Postcard Project

Kayla Lords on Fetlife

John Brownstone on Fetlife

Contact us!

Listen to the show:

iTunes

Google Play

Your favorite podcast app!

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