How I Deal With No Libido as a Sexual Submissive

I don’t know if “libido” is the correct word (a thing I saw from a sex educator recently indicated it might not be) but I think it’s a term most of us recognize and understand. My sexual desire is at zero. My thoughts on sex…also zero. It’s not on my radar at all. So…no libido.

As a sexual submissive, that’s…awkward, at best. As a submissive who wants to please John Brownstone, it can induce quite a bit of guilt, if I’m not careful.

What’s causing the lack of libido and sexual desire are slight mysteries. Is it perimenopause? The hot flashes have convinced me it probably is. (And yes, 40 is a little young for this, but as someone who started her period at 9, I’d love to be an early bloomer on this one, too). Is it an overabundance of work and stress? Likely so.

But I don’t want to talk about the why. Instead, I’d rather share how I deal with it.

We Schedule Sex

John Brownstone and I joke about our sex schedule, but it’s also a lifesaver. We always know when we’re going to have sex. Early morning Sunday — after the sun rises, in case you wondered. There’s no guilt that we didn’t “fit it in” or that we don’t have time for it. It might be a familiar quickie and not all that kinky, but it’s a routine that’s easy to stick with and gives us the sexual contact he craves. I’m saying “he” because right now I could go weeks without it and be okay(ish).

I’m Sexually Available

Part of our D/s relationship is an agreement that I’m sexually available to him most of the time. It requires ongoing consent which means he has to pay attention to both my verbal and nonverbal cues AND I have to speak up when I’m not feeling well. But it also means that when he reaches for me on a Sunday morning, even though I’m not really in the mood for sex, I won’t stop it either. It’s actually comforting to know I can provide this for him even when I don’t care about sex.

We Talk About It

John Brownstone isn’t a stupid man. He knows when I respond to his touch with desire and when I don’t. He also knows when I’m down to fuck and when I’m not. But that doesn’t mean I keep quiet about how I feel. It’s better to open up and say, “I have no idea where my libido has gone” than to act like everything is normal. This way I don’t feel like I’m hiding anything, and he doesn’t feel like he’s tip-toeing around the subject. Talking about it lets us joke about it, and that helps, too.

I Encourage His Other Sexual Outlets

Since figuring out I’m kinky and starting a sex blog (waaaay back in 2012), I haven’t cared if my partner masturbated, used sex toys without me, or watched porn. I wasn’t quite so open-minded in my vanilla days, but I was also sexually repressed, too. These days, I not only don’t mind, I actively encourage it. John Brownstone has a nightstand filled with sex toys and is always enjoying some kind of porn. Good for him! He shouldn’t go without just because I’m not in the mood.

We Connect in Kinky Ways

While many of our shared kinks usually turn me on and have a sexual component, sex isn’t a requirement for us to get kinky. Yes, I’d prefer to become aroused because he spanked me or pulled my hair. But even when that doesn’t happen, I enjoy the kinky fuckery for what it is — an expression of our kinks and a moment to be close in other ways. Would this work if our kinks were only part of our sex life? Maybe not. But since I love a good smack on the ass in general, this helps us stay connected in other ways.

Should I look into the lack of desire and libido? Possibly. Do I have the energy for that right now? Not really. Which possibly explains the problem. I’m not looking for a “fix” though. My entire adult life my sexual desire has ebbed and flowed like this. While I might wish I was the sexed up submissive I’ve been in the past, I mostly want John Brownstone to be happy and satisfied. My libido will come back in time — it always has before. And when it does, we’ll both be ready for it.

I’m curious — how do you handle low libido and lack of sexual desire? As a submissive OR a Dominant partner?

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