Q&A: How Do I Tell My Partner I Want a Daddy Dom/little Dynamic?
I often tell the story of how John Brownstone laughed his ass off the first time I asked him if he might be a Daddy Dom. Of course, we figured out that he was with some kinky sex and me yelling, “Fuck me Daddy” (or something like it). But many kinksters have preconceived notions of the Caregiver/little dynamic. So yes, even when you and your partner are already D/s, telling them you want to switch to transition might make you nervous.
How do I tell my partner I want a DD/lg (or any Caregiver/little) dynamic?
The first question I have when someone asks me this is, “Are you already D/s right now?” If not and you haven’t mentioned it, you might want to start with the basics of “I want a power exchange relationship and here’s what that means to me.” Which means you can start with a Caregiver/little dynamic, even if you never call it that.
If, however, you’re in a current D/s dynamic and want to switch to Caregiver/little, it might be easier than you imagine.
It all starts with communication. But in this case, very specific conversations beyond the basics of wanting a power exchange.
Explain what Caregiver/little means to you.
A lot of people have a very specific image that comes to mind when they imagine DD/lg or any other variation. And that picture usually involves things they’re not into: age play, specific labels, or examples they’ve seen in the broader BDSM community. When you tell your partner you want to make this switch or at least explore it, get specific about what that means to you. And yes, you might want something your partner isn’t into (at least based on their current understanding of it). If this is a healthy, long-term relationship, they may be more supportive than you realize once they learn what Caregiver/little means beyond their personal perspective.
Consider your partner’s personality and past reactions.
Think about how they’ve reacted in the past when you’ve told them something. If they’re usually very supportive, they likely will be now. Yes, even if they don’t fully understand what you’re talking about. However, if you know they have really strong objections to the dynamic, you may have to tread carefully and explain yourself fully. Think about who they are and what kind of response they might have and adjust accordingly.
One of my personal methods is to say, “Okay, you know that face you make when you don’t like something? I need you to not make it and hear me all the way out.” Thankfully, John Brownstone is self-aware enough to know exactly what expression I’m referring to. He also treats that as a code that this is something important to me, and I’m asking him to keep an open mind.
But sometimes you have to be extremely clear and say, “Please hear me out and keep an open mind. Let me say everything, and then ask any questions you have.” Admit that telling them is difficult for you. Share your fears that they might reject your idea or you. That may help them understand that you need them to listen with an open mind and not pre-judge what you’re saying.
Give them time to think.
As with any part of BDSM, kink, and D/s, you shouldn’t expect your partner to take in this new information and immediately know what they want to do. Sometimes they do, but most often, they need time to process what you’ve told them. This is especially true when you describe a Caregiver/little dynamic different from the stereotypes or cliches they might have imagined. Be patient with them and share the resources you trust so they can learn more.
Make the dynamic uniquely your own.
It’s not uncommon for kinksters to say they want a specific kind of dynamic, in this case Daddy Dom/little, and then try to force their relationship to fit into an idealized version. But if you’re already dealing with a partner who wasn’t quite sure what this dynamic is all about, that’s a recipe for disaster. Understand going in that you might not get the dynamic you envision, but working together with your partner, you can get the dynamic that fits you both best.
You might reject certain titles because your partner really doesn’t like them. Maybe the activities and power exchange is different than the examples you’ve seen online or in your local kink community. That’s okay! As long as your Caregiver/little dynamic fulfills your mutual needs and feels right to both of you, it doesn’t matter if it looks like anyone else’s relationship.
Ease in slowly.
We say this to anyone and everyone diving into any new kink or power exchange, so this isn’t new. But even established D/s relationships forget this one: take your time. If your partner balks at the idea of bedtimes, coloring books, or a new title, start with something they’re comfortable doing. Remember, this isn’t a race and there’s no specific destination you’re trying to reach. There’s no way to be “done” in BDSM — it’s all a process and a journey. So if your partner seems hesitant, offer to start really small and allow them to figure out what they’re comfortable with and what they aren’t.
Over time, they may find that they’re more comfortable with the dynamic than they thought they were. But even if they aren’t, at least you gave each time and space to explore together.
Want to know more? Check out these resources:
Effective Communication in Your D/s Relationship (podcast episode)
Why We Say Caregiver/little Instead of DD/lg (blog post)
Understanding the Caregiver/little dynamic (podcast episode)
What’s the Difference Between a Daddy and a Sir? (podcast episode)
Making the Switch to a Daddy Dom/little Dynamic (podcast episode)