3 Real Questions People Ask Google About Dominants, Submissives, and D/s

page of a Google homepage -- where people go to ask questions about D/s, BDSM, dominants, and submissives

I often comb through the search terms people use to find this website and my personal blog, KaylaLords.com. It’s always interesting, but some terms offer serious insight into people’s views on, concerns about, and potential experiences with BDSM.

Real questions asked about Dominants, submissives, and D/s:

Are Dominants nice to submissives?

Can a Dominant fall in love with their submissive?

What should I say to a Dominant to turn them on?

These questions are a bit heartbreaking because they imply that the person wonders whether the answer could be yes or no, in the first two or that there’s a formula for the second. Of course, this is my perspective and someone with a different worldview might see these questions in a different light. But (to me) the answers should be obvious, and if they’re not obvious, that indicates a real problem.

I feel compelled to answer these specific questions here for anyone looking for an answer.

Are Dominants nice to submissives?

Define “nice”? If you mean, “meeting needs and treating with respect” — the answer is that good Dominants are very nice. But unfortunately not every one calling themselves a Dominant is a good one.

It’s also possible to be into erotic humiliation or some form of degradation, pain, impact, and any of the riskier elements of BDSM. In that case, an outsider would view the behavior between Dominant and submissive as decidedly NOT nice. But if the submissive enjoys it and wants it, then the answer is, “Yes, that Dominant is being very VERY nice to their submissive.”

Nice is subjective.

Is the behavior consensual? Are boundaries being respected? Do both parties understand and accept the risks? Are needs and desires being fulfilled? Is either (or both) person happy with the activity and/or the outcome? (Pro tip: I might hate to be caned, but I consent to it because it makes John Brownstone happy AND leaves me with marks I love. That’s being happy with the outcome even if I’m not happy with the activity.)

You can’t know the inner-workings of a D/s relationship based on what you see. What looks mean or upsetting to you can and will be very nice to someone else. So when you ask whether a Dominance is nice to a submissive, the answer is based on how each person in the relationship defines nice.

Can a Dominant fall in love with their submissive?

Another subjective question. Some people don’t want love in their D/s. Others can’t imagine their D/s without it. Ultimately, Dominants are human beings so yes, they’re capable of falling in love with a submissive. But it’s not automatic, it can’t be demanded, and it’s unique to the individual.

A Dominant can set the boundary for themselves that a power exchange isn’t about a long-term romantic relationship. Or they can be surprised as fuck when they fall in love with a submissive partner. An entire section of the BDSM erotica market devotes itself to this exact scenario.

Love is not just the domain of vanilla relationships. It’s not antithetical to BDSM and D/s. Love grows and exists wherever it can between two or more people who form a bond and an attachment. So yes, a Dominant can fall in love with their submissive. But it’s not automatic, and just like vanilla partners, people can and do fall out of love, too.

What should I say to a Dominant to turn them on?

If I have a major pet peeve in life, it’s that people think there’s only one right or wrong way to do something. That if you have a checklist, and tick all the boxes, you’ll achieve the outcome you want. It almost never works that way.

The answer, as always, is that it depends on the Dominant — AND on you as the submissive, your strengths, weaknesses, abilities, and the words YOU choose.

Want to turn them on?

Get to know them. Find out what they enjoy and what they don’t. Ask them what turns them on.

No internet search result will tell you what turns a person on. Only the individual can.

And if you’re trying to have a D/s relationship with someone, you better get used to asking questions to learn what you want to know. Start with, “Hey, what turns you on?” if you’re so curious.

There is no magic formula of words that will ever work for all people or even most people.

If you want to find the right words to turn on anyone, get to know them. Learn their kinks. Pay attention to them. And then speak from the heart…not from some “erotic” script created by a search-engine compiled list of words designed by our AI overlords.

Rant over. If you know communication isn’t your strongest skill, check out my review for Tongue-Tied by Stella Harris — a fabulous book on communication in sex and kink.

These are just three questions from a long list, and the three that made me shake my head a little. I don’t judge the person looking for information. I’m frustrated that the fantasy of BDSM and D/s is such that most people don’t realize that, at its core, it’s a relationship between two people. You can negotiate whatever you want in your power exchange; there’s never a single right answer. At the most basic level, we’re all human beings with emotions and needs to have fulfilled, too.

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