5 Reasons Why Your Kinky Community is So Important

John Brownstone and I have been reminded recently just how important our kinky and sex blogging community are to us. We’ve been made to feel outcast, forgotten, unloved, and misunderstood by a vanilla world that doesn’t want to see or understand us. But it’s our community of friends who have lifted us up and supported us.

We know we’re constantly harping on everyone to find or build a kinky community — either online or in-person or both! But there’s a reason for it, and this is one of those reasons.

When things get tough, and you’re made to feel bad about who you are, here’s how a loving, supportive kinky community can help.

group of hands meeting in the center to show support for the kinky community

Your community reminds you that you’re not alone.

It’s easy to feel like you’re the only one who’s kinky or into a thing — until you have a community of people who are into something similar. It’s easy to feel isolated or under attack when one part of your life rejects you or tells you what you enjoy is wrong. Your community will remind you that you’re not wrong at all — even when you’re all doing it a little differently, you’re still in it together.

The community normalizes what others don’t understand.

I’ve never expected the entire world to understand my kinks or why I share my sex life online. I’m not sure I actually care if they do. But when someone comes after you for being a “dirty freak” or “a deviant who’s harming children,” it’s easy to doubt yourself. Your community will remind you that, actually, no you’re none of those awful things. In fact, by the standards of your community, you’re just like everyone else — in your own unique way. 😉

Friends lift you up when you’re down.

Real friends and a good supportive kinky community can (sometimes) drown out all the negative bullshit someone else is trying to make you believe about yourself. Let your friends say nice things and remind you that you’re wonderful. Yes, even if it’s difficult to believe them in the moment. You’d do it for them, so let them do it for you.

You have a safe place to be yourself.

Whether online or in-person, your community of friends should be a place where you can be yourself. We all know what it’s like to have to put our “vanilla side” on and function outside of kink. When someone attacks us for our kinks or sexuality, we need that soft landing and group to feel safe in again. Your community should be a place where you can be your kinky self.

The community reminds you that you’re not the problem in this situation.

Being rejected for being who you are might make you want to internalize those feelings and believe there’s something wrong with you. My community was the first to remind me that, actually no, I wasn’t the problem here. The other person was because of their shitty attitudes and closed mind. We all deserve that kind of fierce defense.

Being kinky, talking about your sex life, being open about who you are — especially your sexuality — brings out some of the worst from close-minded people. Too many people have lost jobs, homes, and kids just for being outed as kinky. That’s not to mention what the LGBTQ+ community has gone and continues to go through, too — which I can’t even begin to fully comprehend.

But after my small taste of it (which we’re still dealing with and it will definitely be the topic of the next podcast (listen to episode 168)), I now understand why community matters so much. We’ve always talked about it in terms of education and safety, but never underestimate the power of friendship and solidarity, too.

It make take time to find your people and form those bonds, but it will be worth the effort.

9 Responses

  1. Chrisy says:

    So many of us would probably not be here if it weren’t for the support we receive from those that were already here. I have come to consider it my safe place and it is something have become to need more than want. Always grateful to you guys for being there for me – and showing how great this community is!

  2. Shyla says:

    I’m grateful to be able to read so much helpful info before I open up. I’m just finding my way and am truly a shy woman.
    How did you find your way around the communities?

    • Kayla Lords says:

      I’m not great at talking to people I don’t know (sometimes it’s social anxiety and sometimes it’s being an introvert — not sure I could ever call myself shy) but I’ve found that sometimes you have to swallow the fear and go for it.

      Online this means commenting on what other people post (like this). Sometimes it’s just liking, sharing, and paying attention. But to really be a part of the community, you have to join in or no one will know you’re there.

      In person it can feel much more difficult, but munches and local community events (found on Fetlife, primarily) are often the way to go — if you have them available in your area. Bring a friend or partner who’s kink-accepting or reach out to the organizers before you go and let them know you’re new and shy. Most organizers want to help new people, and good ones will help you through that first visit until you find someone to talk to and connect with.

      It’s not a fast process — especially if you find it difficult to talk to people. But the more you show up and make even small attempts to talk to people, the more you begin to make friends and feel like you’re part of a larger community.

  3. Shyla Lamb says:

    Introvert is a perfect word. And I have no friends nearby into the lifestyle. I like the idea of going to a munch but again, finding my spine and actually going….ill get there.

  4. Broduil_Conri says:

    I wish that we had a better local community.. I’m just thankful that for the most part the virtual community is alway there for us. without it I wouldn’t be growing.

  1. March 29, 2019

    […] 5 Reasons Why Your Kinky Community is So Important (blog post) […]

  2. April 8, 2019

    […] The idea behind the email program itself is to help you think about these topics in more detail. You can use the page of bloggers as another way to think about them, too. Check out the page (link below) and read through some of the bloggers sites. This may help you see these topics in a new light, and it may even help you grow your kinky community. […]

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