15 Things I Used to Believe about BDSM and D/s

We all come to new parts of our life with preconceived notions of what things mean, assuming we’ve been exposed to the idea at all. BDSM wasn’t really in my vocabulary at all until about 2012 when I started sex blogging at what is now KaylaLords.com.

To give you an idea of how clueless I was, I watched Secretary without realizing it was about BDSM. I loved it, but I didn’t get what was really happening or my very intense reaction to it.

I say all of that to let you know that we all start out with false ideas and believing things that later change as we grow and mature. Thanks to a question from one of our kinky patrons and a blog post I inadvertently inspired Molly Moore to write, old and new ways of thinking are kind of on my mind.

Look no further than this list for proof that we can grow and change our thinking. Also, if you feel a little silly for things you used to believe about BDSM and D/s, you’re not alone…

Pre-Sexual Awakening Beliefs

Before I found my clit and masturbated for the first time (one of the best days of my life, honestly), the idea of kink was only at the periphery of my mind. I was barely in touch with my own body and mind, let alone my sexual desires and needs. So I spent very little time thinking about BDSM, but what I did think was so, so wrong.

  • BDSM was whips, chains, and shiny catsuits. (I didn’t even know it was called latex, y’all.)
  • Only deviants were kinky, and it might mean something was wrong with them. (Yes, I know, wrong, wrong, wrong.)
  • I had zero thoughts about Dominance and submission because I didn’t know it was a thing that existed. I did believe (incorrectly) that no woman should ever be submissive to a man. Ever. Under any circumstances. (Oh…my…)
  • I had no idea what the letters B-D-S-M actually stood for, although I’d heard the term “sadomasochism.” My mind always conjured up dark dungeons, chains, and torches like something out of the Inquisition. (I can only partially blame this on my love of historical fiction.)

Early Submissive Days

Imagine my surprise at just how wrong I was once I began blogging about sex in 2012. Not only did my mind open to all the possibilities about my own pleasure, it opened up to how other people experience pleasure. And it was glorious!

I think I was primed and ready for this moment because I accepted this new information so easily. There was none of the discomfort we tend to have when our entire worldview is upended and proven to be wrong in someway. Frankly, when I realized I was submissive, I was just relieved to know there was a reason I am the way I am.

I had my first D/s relationship, a D/s break-up, and then met John Brownstone, and I didn’t realize that my education was only beginning. Here are things I used to think about BDSM and D/s that I no longer believe.

  • One day I would spend my entire time as a submissive naked and waiting on a Dominant’s whim. (Cue hysterical laughter. Where exactly did I think my children would be while I was naked?)
  • The “right” Dominant would just know what I want. They would be able to read my body language, face, and whatever else and give me what I needed, no talking required. (Snort.)
  • I wanted zero control over anything. My Dominant could tell me what they wanted, and I would do it without question! (Ha!)
  • Submissives have the “real” power because we can withdraw our consent at any point. (Both parties consent, y’all and you both have your own kind of power.)
  • I want whatever my Dom wants. (Not always. I have my own wants and needs, thank you very much.)
  • I don’t want to have to think about anything — just do what I’m told and submit to my Dominant’s whims. (As a thinker by nature, I find this both a little disturbing and a lot hilarious.)
  • D/s relationships are based on power, love, and sex. So much sex. (Yes, y’all, I quickly realized how wrong this was. In my slight defense, the only examples I’d seen at that point were blogs about sexual, long-term D/s relationships.)
  • I want [fill in any happy D/s couple I follow online]’s kind of relationship. Hashtag relationship goals! (Thank gawd I didn’t get my wish on this one.)
  • “Most” Dominants are men and “most” submissives are women. (Ugh, I am so so sorry for this. No excuses on this one. Very myopic thinking on my part, and I QUICKLY got over that one.) 
  • Munches are scary places. Everyone will probably be dressed in leather. (To be fair, this is a common belief until you actually go to your first munch.)
  • A D/s life has to be very separate from a vanilla life. They can never co-mingle. (Yes they can, if that’s what you want — and you can still maintain privacy.)

So, to be clear, the majority of these false beliefs are thanks to myths, stereotypes, too much erotica and porn, or just wrongheadedness. Anything that tries to quantify the type of person who does or doesn’t do something is always wrong. BDSM is a vast spectrum of people and activities, and there’s a place for everyone.

But I can see how some people might believe a few things in my list — whether from being new to it all or because of the experiences you’ve had.

If you’re still new to BDSM and D/s, this is proof that we should (and do) continue to grow and learn as we move forward. And if you’re no longer new, think back to your early days. What did you believe then that you don’t now? Maybe remember that new people aren’t “ruining BDSM” (a thing I’ve seen/heard) — they’re simply still learning…like you/we once did and still are.

Someone please tell me I’m not alone — share what you used to think about BDSM or D/s when you first learned it was a thing. Leave a comment below or talk to us on Twitter!

5 Responses

  1. Chrisy says:

    I had many of the same misconceptions. I blame myself for not doing research. I also blame porn! How many BDSM port videos are in some pretty dark and dingy places. :-). The first person I met that had any knowledge was not the best representation. Looking back now I see that. I had visions of being on my knees and naked all the time as well. Currently not being in a D/s relationship I am still trying to determine what my next D/s relationship will look like. What I have learned is that it can look how I/we want it to look and it doesn’t have to be identical to what I had before. It can be better.

    • Kayla Lords says:

      I think a lot of us jump into BDSM without a lot of research. I certainly thought I knew what it was about too until I learned differently. And yes, you’re absolutely right — your next relationship can be whatever you both want it to be, which is the best part.

  2. Cdc says:

    While our sex was good…I needed something more and when my D thought about it, so did he.

  1. February 8, 2019

    […] 15 Things I Used to Believe about BDSM and D/s (blog post) […]

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