Why Patience is Important in D/s

Patience. It’s a word often associated with a certain stereotype of Dominant (the patient “wolf”). Patience is also the one thing that a certain stereotype of submissive lacks (or so we’re all told).

But really we’re all different and unique. Some people are wired to be more patient than others, regardless of their role. More of us are impatient than others — we might just be better at hiding it. Society and culture have taught us to want instant gratification and to get the things we want in 21 days or less and in 10 steps or less.

The need for patience often hits people like a brick wall. When things don’t move quickly enough, we assume we’re doing it wrong or the whole kinky experiment is doomed. We give up or get anxious about the state of our relationship.

As someone who has been and continues to be notoriously impatient, I confess that patience is often what makes D/s relationships and kinky fuckery even better.

(Also, yes, I can hear the Domly chuckle of a certain John Brownstone as I extoll the virtues of patience in D/s. The irony is not lost on me.)

This isn’t a Race

From submissives in subfrenzy to kinksters who are beyond ready to express their long-hidden desires, the vast majority of us are impatient to get our kinky journey started.  I get it. And yes “journey” is a cliche, but as someone who has already changed and morphed in a few short years, that’s what this is. A journey — with no clear destination.

You’re on a path and, no matter what you tell yourself today, you really don’t know where you’ll end up. The more you explore your kinks and desires, the more you learn about yourself. Partners may change over the years. You might find parts of your sexuality that you kept hidden. Fetishes and kinks will be discovered. Anything can happen.

But there’s no prize for getting to the “end” first or fastest. Your D/s relationship doesn’t have an end goal of getting to a certain point. Even if you do, there’s always somewhere else to go. Either together or apart, but you’ll still move forward in some way.

And what does it mean to learn some kinky thing faster than anyone else? Not a damn thing. No one’s going to care how quickly you did all the kinky things. They’re only going to care about how good you are, how safe you are, and how well you respond to your partner.

Overwhelmed? Your Impatience May Be Showing

Okay, so let’s be clear. Even when you’re ready to do All The Kinky Things, BDSM and D/s can still be overwhelming. So sometimes that feeling is because you’re exploring deeply hidden feelings that you’ve been taught were wrong. And that kind of mental gunk can come at you anytime. That’s not the overwhelmed I mean.

This is when your earlier excitement and exuberance catch up with the rest of your life, and you start wondering, “Can I do this? Is this the right thing? Why doesn’t it feel magical? Why am I so damned stressed out?!”

John Brownstone and I get these kinds of questions from kinksters a lot. We often find that a new D/s couple or kinkster decided to make up for 20+ years of sexual repression by jumping off a kinky cliff. We get it. This feels amazing. You want to explore and feel and try and yayayayayayay! Right?

Slow the hell down. Start with one or two things. Remember when I said this isn’t a race? This is why. All you succeed in doing is sapping your enthusiasm and upping your stress level. Couples fight because one person pulls away or stops being consistent. Single kinksters feel jaded because “everyone” on Fetlife is after one thing (and it’s not a long, romantic spanking).

Those can be signs of other issues, of course, but sometimes they can also be avoided by being a little more patient — with yourself and your partner. Take your transition from vanilla to D/s couple more slowly. Take the time to have real conversations with people before you jump into online kinky fuckery.

As hard as it may be right now, you’ll find it’s easier to explore once you realize this is something you can do for the rest of your life. There’s no expiration or sell by date on BDSM and kink.

You’ve got a lot more time than than you realize — and so much more to discover about yourself.

We’ll be talking about patience and taking things slowly as you explore kink and D/s in the next podcast episode. In the meantime, show of hands. Who has gone through the impatience thing? What did you learn about yourself or kink? Did slowing down and being patient help? Share your experience in the comments below or talk to us on Twitter!

3 Responses

  1. melody says:

    Great piece.

    My own experiences tell me that my impatience when I was first able to partake of the reality of D/s was down to the common insecurity many subs feel. It could be particularly insidious and lead to attention seeking and anxiety about the relationship and your importance in it. That not moving on to the next level or break that next barrier at the earliest opportunity was my failing.

    Even all these years later with the current domme it’s sometimes hard to deal with. She is patience personified and there’s no point me asking what she has planned because she won’t tell me. There are setups in her actions (which include hypnosis) that are more than a year in the making.

    It took me a long time to work out that the right pace was the one she dictated. Not because I was failing or that she had only minor interest in me, but because she really cared about me.

    You might say it’s taken me over 20 years to mostly overcome the insecurities and the impatience they can breed.

    • Kayla Lords says:

      Yes! I can absolutely see how insecurities would lead you to be impatient (anxiety can lead us to do all kinds of things).

      And I understand that kind of patience. JB can be as unmoveable as stone when I want to hurry up or know something or whatever and he wants me to wait. It’s frustrating and also wonderful.

  1. January 25, 2019

    […] Why Patience is Important in D/s Relationships (blog post) […]

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