I Forgot to Focus On Our D/s Relationship

At the end of 2018, as part of a bigger conversation about 2019, John Brownstone asked me, “What would you like to do differently in our D/s next year? What new things would you like to try? How can we grow together?”

This is the part where I’m supposed to tell you that all my babygirl submissive dreams came tumbling out. That I listed every new kink I want to try or what I’d like our relationship to do more (or less) of.

In reality, my mind went blank. Literal crickets chirped somewhere in the background. I had no idea. Hadn’t given it any thought actually.

He had thoughts, because he’s good at stuff like this. But I had nothing, nada, zip, zilch.

“Uhhhh, we’re good, I think. I mean, we could be more connected and have more kinky fuckery and…stuuuuuuff….????” That was the extent of the thought I’d put into the direction of our relationship, what we could do together, and where we’re headed into the future.

It’s Not a Problem…It’s Just Life

This isn’t a blog post to tell you how we’ve solved the problem. Nor am I going to tell you that it caused an argument, created a rift, or represents a larger problem.

Mostly I want to be open and honest that for all our conversations with you about D/s relationships, and the amount of thought we put into the smallest details, it’s still possible to let things slide. Just as with any relationship, if you’re not focused on it, it runs on autopilot. I have no clue how long we can sustain things in automatic mode — neither growing nor shrinking, but simply existing. But I do think it’s normal and that it happens to everyone.

Other parts of life require our focus. It’s not a crisis or indicative of problems on the horizon — not necessarily.

I’d have been more concerned if his question hadn’t made me realize how much I disliked not being able to give him an answer. I might have shrugged him off and said, “Does it really matter?” or “I don’t have time to think about that.” That could have been a sign of a relationship left untouched too long.

Getting Busy and Losing Focus

Instead, my response came out like, “Holy shit, I can’t believe I have nothing to contribute to this conversation. I don’t know what to say. My focus hasn’t been on us.”

Does it mean I don’t love him? Of course not. Just like it doesn’t mean I’m not his submissive. We’re not dead-eyed and miserable (after 12 years in a bad-for-me vanilla relationship, I know that feeling well). We’re just…busy. And everyone gets busy.

But that moment, that non-conversation, was enough to remind me that we can’t stay too busy for each other. Sometimes you need a conversation like this to make you realize that you haven’t given your own relationship enough thought and attention.

I’d feel better if my answer was, “I think we’re good as we are” because I’d been thinking about us and what our next D/s and kinky thing might be. But never giving the state of our relationship a single thought (beyond my usual ‘I love him so much, he’s the best Daddy ever!!!’) didn’t feel good at all.

I’m not saying everyone has to rethink their D/s relationship every year. Or that you have to constantly change things up or have new kinky goals all the time. This really isn’t about that.

The State of Your Relationship

I do think it’s important to be mindful of the state of your relationship (vanilla or kinky). To take time (even in a busy, hectic life) to think about what you have, what you want, and what you need. And most importantly, to make time to talk to each other.

Go too long* without doing those things, and you might find that your D/s relationship hit a rough patch when you weren’t looking.

*Too long is subjective. Only you can decide what that means.

In our first podcast episode of 2019, we’re going back to a topic we did at the beginning of 2018 — using the first of the year as a way to check-in and make changes. But this time with a slightly different perspective and what to do after too much time not focusing on ourselves.

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