The Power of Eye Contact

Eye contact can be an extremely powerful tool in D/s and BDSM, depending on how you and your partner feel about it. For me, looking into someone’s eyes is inherently personal, and the introvert in me would rather not make eye contact with just anyone.

Partly because I’ve found that eye contact usually makes strangers want to start talking, but partly because it tends to signal the desire for attention. And I don’t always want attention. But that’s in vanilla life and in crowds of people I don’t know.

In our D/s relationship, eye contact has a different kind of power.

Eye Contact is Intense

I’m sure this has a lot to do with my feelings for John Brownstone, but maintaining eye contact in a kinky scene adds to the intensity. When he adds a “Don’t look away” or “Open your eyes,” it becomes even more so.

See, I tend to be an eye-closer.

Does it feel amazing? I close my eyes.

Am I excited, nervous, and unsure? Close my eyes.

Would I rather not know what’s coming and just feel it? Close my eyes.

Closing my eyes allows me to lose myself in the moment and just feel.

But sometimes, that’s the last thing he wants. He wants to see the emotion, desire, and power — and it’s all in his gaze during that moment. And no, I don’t have to be tied up to a St. Andrew’s Cross or strapped down to the bed. He can turn on the intensity when we’re sitting on the couch talking about vanilla life.

Eye Contact is Power

I can easily imagine two people battling for power just with their eyes. Scratch that, I know it happens. Ever play the whole who’s-going-to-look-away first thing with someone? Two people can, and do, try to dominate each other by trying to intimidate the other into looking away.

When I feel like I have power in a situation — or I want it — I can play that game. With John Brownstone? I almost always look away first. Especially when it’s kinky.

Typically, my skin gets hot. I know he has control (hell, I want him to have it!), and I can’t handle the intensity (see above). He’s the Dominant one, and I let him know by looking away. Sometimes I’m hoping he’ll tell me I have to look at him, because by complying with the order, that is also power in action.

All bets are off the table if I think I’m right, though, especially if we’re in the middle of a heated discussion argument. The power I have then is in the knowledge or opinion of the conversation. I think I’m right, and I’m not backing down. Cue intense eye contact between us.

Eye Contact is Personal

Ever heard the expression that the eyes are the windows to the soul? I’ve probably read way too many flowery romances in my life, but that’s just one in a long list of things I’ve read about looking into someone’s eyes. But until John Brownstone, I never really understood it.

I never saw a future in someone’s eyes. Or their love. (I’m not so cold-hearted that I couldn’t see sadness or pain. That I can definitely see.) I always wondered what I was missing or if I was somehow defective.

Until John Brownstone.

When he looks at me, especially when we’re both emotional (good or bad, sexual or not), I really do feel like I can see everything. But I also think it’s because I can read the lines in face, the quirk of his lips, and the raise of his eyebrows. Knowing how to read someone’s eyes is inherently personal. You know that person so you (hopefully) know what their eyes are saying.

But eye contact is personal on another level. It’s a way of really seeing someone, even if you can’t read them yet. You’re looking at them in one of the most intimate ways possible. To me, it’s sometimes easier to stare at someone’s naked body than it is to look into their eyes.

Eye Contact in D/s

So how does eye contact work in D/s?

The simple answer is any damn way you want it to.

John Brownstone uses it to assert his Dominance and gain my compliance and submission. He knows it’s a difficult thing for me to do, and he knows that we can speak to each other through a shared look. In a kinky scene, eye contact ratchets up the tension and intensity. In our every day life, eye contact might remind me that I’m being a teeny, tiny bit bratty sassy or just remind me that I’m adorable and loved.

Eye contact is so many things, and they’re all personal to us as individuals and our relationships. How do you feel about eye contact in a relationship and have you used it as part of your D/s? Join in for Kink of the Week (click the lips), share in the comments or talk to us on Twitter!

9 Responses

  1. Cynthia says:

    Once again your experiences echo mine. In D/s (love the contextual D/s by the way) it is difficult for me to do whatever with open eyes–something that is required quite regularly. I’m getting better, but it definitely takes practice.

    Thank you for sharing!

  2. Raoul Duke says:

    All of the yes! I’m posting a KOTW entry this week that’s a worked example of exactly this thing.

  3. Molly says:

    Ahhh yes The Look, when you are poking the bear and they tell you that with one look. Makes me nervous and wet all at the same time


  4. Cara Thereon says:

    Molly mentioned The Look. It’s funny that you know the look and eyes glance away/down when it trips that sunny response in you.

  5. Bee says:

    Oh yes that ‘look’, that’s the one time I can’t hold his gaze but drop my eyes down and wait…

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