Busting Myths: 4 Things About 24/7 D/s You May Not Know

I’m not the kinkster who walks around rolling her eyes, huffing, and sighing with complete disgust when someone refers to BDSM as that “50 Shades thing.” Well, at least not where anyone can see me.

But like anyone trying their best to live and love the BDSM life, I hear enough myths and lies about what this life is and isn’t that it can be maddening. Unfortunately other people hear these things too and believe they can’t live the D/s or kinky life they want. And that really makes me want to scream.

So with that in mind, let’s bust some myths about 24/7 D/s so more people realize they can have this life…if you want it.

It’s Not 24/7 Kinky Fuckery

A lot of kinksters think of the kinky fun when they picture D/s. Telling your partner to kneel. Being “tortured” with pleasure. Spending time naked or being waited on hand and foot. While those things can be an inherent part of your power dynamic, that’s not all D/s is. And these are often the first things to take a hit when vanilla life intervenes.

If you imagine 24/7 D/s as some sort of constant erotic novel, you’re missing the point of what Domination and submission can be about. Much of what we do is mental. Yeah, we’d like the physical side more often, but constant kinky fuckery just isn’t realistic. 24/7 D/s isn’t about the things you do…it’s about how you feel, what you think, and how you see your relationship.

Your Mindset Shifts, and That’s Okay

John Brownstone is always my Daddy. Every moment of every day. Yes, even when I’m frustrated with him or he’s not able to get into his Dominant headspace. I’m his submissive even when I need to take charge of a situation or say things like, “Just listen to me and stop telling me what to do!” (Yes, that has happened.)

How is this possible? Partly because we can shift back into a D/s mindset fairly easily. And partly because 24/7 D/s is about how you feel about each other as much as the actions you take. Even when there’s a moment when the roles seem reversed, we know who we are to each other and within the relationship. He’s the Dominant, and I’m the submissive, and that never changes for us. Even when our minds are elsewhere.

You’re Going to Disagree

In any D/s dynamic it’s hard for newbies (especially submissives) to fathom that they’ll ever disagree with each other. Bwahahahahaha! An hour before writing this blog post, John Brownstone and I were going back and forth in a very strong disagreement. Neither of us wanted to give in, and I assure you, I didn’t acquiesce because he’s the Dominant one.

It takes a lot of time and trust to get to a point where many submissives feel safe openly disagreeing with their partner. But whether you can handle a disagreement or not (yet), it’s still going to happen. Though sometimes it’s not until after a Dominant finally falls from the pedestal they’ve been put on by their adoring submissive.

Sometimes the Protocols and Rules Take a Back Seat

This is slightly different from the shifting mindsets, because that’s about where your head is at. The rituals, protocols, and tasks are the things you do. They may put you in the D/s headspace or simply be “what you do” in your dynamic. But sometimes, they’re going to be put on hold. Vanilla life can’t always wait. Sick children, late nights at work, and our own physical or mental health may mean “the way you do things” can’t happen. That’s normal, and you’re still 24/7 D/s.

Since your dominance or submission aren’t necessarily about the things you do, not doing a certain thing doesn’t make you less Dominant or submissive. When I don’t make John Brownstone’s coffee, I’m no less submissive than when I do. If he turns down the bed at night, I might not love it, but it doesn’t make him less Dominant simply because he did my task.

What matters most in any relationship, kinky or vanilla, 24/7 D/s or not, is how you feel about it and the intention behind your actions. If John Brownstone is always my Daddy, and I’m always his babygirl (and we are), then no matter what we’re actually doing or saying, we’re in a D/s dynamic. The moment one of us stops feeling or even wanting that intention, all the tasks, rules, and kinky fuckery in the world won’t make us 24/7 anymore. So it doesn’t matter what he tells me to do or how quickly I jump up to serve him. What makes us 24/7 D/s is how we see ourselves within the relationship and who has (near constant) control — and who doesn’t.

We’ll be talking about our perspective on 24/7 D/s in episode 157 of the podcast. What do you think are myths people believe about this kind of D/s relationship? Are there things you used to believe about it until you experienced it for yourself? Share your thoughts in the comments below or talk to us on Twitter!

4 Responses

  1. David says:

    Might i add one thing. Love. I believe any BDSM relationship needs love for it to succeed.

    • Kayla Lords says:

      While not every BDSM relationship is built on romantic love, I agree that every relationship needs some kind of deep feeling and caring to make it long-term.

  2. Toy says:

    I was guilty of assumptions before I was actually in a D/s relationship. While that relationship was far from 24/7 in D/s or Vanilla, it taught me much about what it means to be a sub. No, it isn’t always kinky fuckery, but the bond and the true meaning behind the relationship is always there. You can always want the kinky fuckery and that is a great thing, but recognizing the other parts of the D/s relationship, regardless of what side of the slash you are on is the just as important. Thank you @kaylalords for once again, bringing the best of this type of relationship to light.

    • Kayla Lords says:

      I think so many of us think we know what’s like until we’re living it. It’s those who can’t get past the expectations to see the reality that often end up the most miserable. For me, it’s everything outside of the kinky fuckery that’s the most important and meaningful.

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