6 Ways to Feel Submissive When You’re Single

For many of us, being Dominant or submissive isn’t situational. It’s not just about the partner we have or the power exchange we negotiate.  Whether we’re a Dom or a sub, it’s who we are…an inherent part of our nature. You’re not just a Dom when you’re dominating someone else, and you’re not just a submissive when you’re actively submitting.

A lot of submissives ask us (and each other) how to get that sweet, nice, warm, satisfying, etc subby feeling even when they’re single. There is no one right answer, and it depends on your personality, your view of submission, and even why you’re single right now. Painful break-ups can make some of these things more difficult.

But if you want to get in touch with your submissive side while single, here are a few ideas to help you. Shout-out to Princess Rara for this topic idea.

Educate Yourself

None of us should ever stop learning about BDSM, not as long as our interests, kinks, and desires continue to grow. While you’re single, this is a great time to educate yourself about a lot of things: red flags, communication, different kinks and fetishes. You don’t need to be directed by a Dominant partner to go learn about something new. You can (and should!) do it for yourself.

Why does this matter? The more you understand yourself as a submissive, what healthy D/s relationships can look like, and BDSM, the better able you are to see through the wannabes, posers, and fakes. Plus being a knowledgeable kinkster means that you’re able to try new things and explore in new ways once you do have a partner.

Join the Kink Community

It’s scary being new to any group — online or in person. As a submissive, it can feel more daunting because of the expectation you or others might have of how you “should” behave. A single submissive may have to watch out for fakes and “Doms” but you also have a lot more freedom than you realize. You don’t have to follow a protocol set up by your Dominant — you can approach new people, strike up conversations with strangers, and simply be yourself.

(For the record, there’s nothing wrong with being a submissive in a relationship in the community — but some of us do have rules and expectations we set up in our D/s relationships. And sometimes your community will have their own rules or protocols, too.)

If you’re going to a munch for the first time, message the organizers on Fetlife and let them know you’re coming. Most are happy to look out for new people, and especially single submissives. The same is true when you go to a local dungeon or BDSM club. Let someone know you’re coming, and you’ll likely have a welcoming committee or someone to hang out with until you’re comfortable.

Make Kinky Friends

If you’re single because you just went through a D/s break up — which is freaking awful — you know how lonely and isolating it can be. Your vanilla friends and family may not understand why you’re so devastated, even if they know you’re kinky. Having kinky friends (both Dom and sub) that genuinely care for you can help you get through the rough times.

But even if you haven’t gone through a break-up, having your own circle of like-minded friends is a wonderful way to connect to kink and BDSM. You can joke, tease, laugh, and talk about certain things that you might not be able to do anywhere else. Plus, if you do meet someone new, you have a group of people offering support and (maybe) calling you out on your subfrenzy. Which, frankly, we might ignore in the moment, but we usually need.

Negotiate a Scene

In this case, you’re more of a bottom than a submissive, but if negotiating a scene lets you experience something you haven’t done in a while or that you crave, titles are meaningless. Bottom or submissive, you’re getting something that makes you feel good. While you can do  kinky things to yourself, sometimes it feels good to have someone do it to you.

If you’re out in your local community and have met a few people you trust, this may not be as hard as you imagine. Set ground rules. Establish limits. Discuss safety and aftercare. And don’t be afraid to speak up and advocate for yourself before, during, and after your scene.

I’d recommend watching your potential top do a scene with someone else before you negotiate your own thing. Most Doms or tops can and will adapt their play to the person they’re with. But watching helps you  get a sense of whether they understand safety, know how to use the toys, and care about their partner.

Give Your Sexual Fantasies Free Reign

Okay, this one assumes some level of sexual activity or desire from you in the form of masturbation (and not everyone wants that) but if you enjoy it, it might be what you need. Maybe watch porn, read erotica, or just let your fantasies run wild while you use a sex toy, touch yourself, or simply give yourself a mental sexual thrill. Imagine all the things you might do as a sub in a D/s relationship. What would you say? Would you kneel? What are your subby kinks?

Should you fantasize about a former partner/Dominant? Only if you feel good when you do it. If the thought of that person sends you spiraling down into loneliness or any other negative emotion, think about someone else. Back in the day, my fantasy Dom was usually faceless but he (and sometimes she) said all the right things.

Do Whatever Makes You Feel Submissive

Is there a collar (that’s not filled with painful memories of a former partner) you always love wearing? Do you enjoy wearing corsets, latex, or leather? Are there activities that get you in touch with certain aspects of your submission? For me, those are the things that make me feel my babygirl side — animated movies, knee socks, and giggling over silly things.

Whatever those things are that put you in touch with your submissive side, feel free to do them — for yourself. You don’t have to do them for a Dominant in order for them to be valid. They only have to be meaningful to you. But also, be honest with yourself…if they cause you pain because you’re doing them alone, let them go until you’re ready to do them (if you ever are).

Some submissives, when they’re single, don’t want to focus on D/s or their submission. That’s okay, too. You need to do what makes you comfortable and happy. If you think one of these activities will help, and it only makes you feel worse, stop. Don’t force yourself to do it and feel miserable the whole time. But if it makes you feel good and you enjoy it, go for it!

In episode 149, we’re discussing how to feel your Dominant or submissive self even when you’re single.

Okay, for my single submissive friends (or those who have been single in the past) what do you do to feel more submissive when you’re not in a D/s relationship? Share in the comments below or talk to us on Twitter!


5 Responses

  1. toyforsir says:

    My first and only D/relationship ended abruptly. I’ve missed so much of being submissive. I was/is hard to imagine having those experiences again when it took so long to reach the trust level is had in that relationship. I haven’t found the community in my area welcoming or even easy to find. Some days I am sure my submissive days are over. I do read a lot and I do continue my research and self-awareness as a submissive. It isn’t easy and it feels very isolating because of the differences than in a vanilla break up. Thank you for this post! It is very helpful. I struggle with being a sub and wanting and needing what I had and being independent of that particular Dom and relationship and recovering in a healthy way. (Getting over him as a Dom and whatever else we were and also being okay with being alone). I have tried to start new habits and rituals that weren’t established in the past relationship but are healthy and beneficial to the submissive side of me.

    • Kayla Lords says:

      The grieving process is very real, and you have to let yourself go through that, too. I hope this post can help. If you haven’t heard it, we did an episode on D/s breakups (just search the site for “breakups” and it’ll come right up — it may help a little, too.

  2. Tobias says:

    Whenever I go through a breakup I panic and try to find a new Dom asap because I have trouble taking care of myself without one

    I’ve been going back to the same ex for two years on and off because of this and we just broke up again.

    I’ve been trying to resist the urge to talk to him again

  1. October 5, 2018

    […] 6 Ways to Feel Submissive When You’re Single (blog post) […]

  2. May 6, 2019

    […] be directly impacted by whether you’re in a relationship or not. We’ve discussed how to feel submissive when you’re single, but what about when you’re in a […]

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