LovingBDSM

The Loving BDSM Podcast

4 Risks We’ve Taken in BDSM — Before and After We Knew Better

For some people, risky sex is hot as hell. It turns them on, makes the sex better, and makes them feel alive. For people like me (who live in a near constant state of anxiety), the idea of a risk is enough to make me hyperventilate. At best, it stresses me out, and I worst, I run and hide from it, even if it’s a relatively “safe” risk. But that doesn’t mean  neither I nor John Brownstone haven’t engaged in risky behavior in the past.

We didn’t do it for the rush or because it turned us on. Depending on when it happened, we either didn’t know any better or (and this is a big one), we knew the risks and let our intuition guide us.

Meeting a New Dominant in Your Home

The first time John Brownstone came to see me, we met in my home. Sure, I knew the safety measure of meeting in a public place and letting someone know where I was going. This was a time when I ignored that rule because my instinct said everything was okay. This doesn’t mean that my instincts couldn’t have been wrong, but after months of speaking, multiple phone calls, pictures, and never being lied to, I felt safe.

It helped that he offered to meet anywhere else. He was fine not knowing where I lived until later. We both hoped everything would work out, but he was willing to back down if it didn’t feel comfortable. Knowing all of that — and seeing how consistent he’d been for the past five months — I felt safe. I know myself, so I know that without all of that reassurance, I wouldn’t have felt the same way. But if I didn’t feel safe, I wouldn’t have wanted him to come visit me, either.

And always the Daddy Dom, he lectured me about it during the planning and later.

Not Having Your Own Place To Go

In long distance D/s relationships, the only time you can be together is when one (or both) of you travels some distance away from home. This means you need a hotel room or to stay at their place (or in a mutual hotel room). When you’re new to each other, the least risky option is to have your own place. That way, if you get a bad vibe or the chemistry isn’t there, you have your own space to retreat to.

Both with my first Dominant and John Brownstone I broke this rule. I’m not advocating for anyone to do this. I can look back on it now, with my first Dom, and see why it was a HORRIBLE idea. We meshed well, but what if it we hadn’t? Where would I have gone? It literally never occurred to me as I got in the car and drove to see him for that first weekend. Assuming I could have gotten out safely, I guess I would have driven the seven hours back home. But I honestly don’t know.

Scening During Your First Meeting

In a BDSM club, people meet, negotiate, and play sometimes upon first meeting. But from what I’ve seen that’s rare unless your club is known as a hook-up scene. My local scene isn’t like that. People don’t usually play with people they just meet. They chat at munches, get to know each other, and (usually) ask around first.

In relationships (especially those that start online), it really should be the same way. Sure, you’ve talked online or over the phone, but you don’t know how a person acts in public until you’re there with them. It’s not uncommon to get a weird or bad vibe from someone who seemed perfectly fine over the phone.

Aaaand yes, I completely ignored that rule, too. In my first D/s relationship, it was pure subfrenzy that did it. I’d never submitted before, and I was more than eager to do whatever. Thankfully, he started slowly. With John Brownstone, we were so eager for each other that we jumped right into it, and it’s still one of the very few times I used my safeword. He truly spanked me too hard, and I didn’t like it.

But what if he’d been the kind of person to ignore a safeword? What if my first Dominant had insisted we start hard and heavy? Knowing what I know how, I don’t play with anyone until I’ve seen them in action, hung around with them, and done a lot of talking.

Not Knowing the Risks of Kinky Sex Toys

Kinky toys are fun and good and can make you feel all kinds of good things, but they’re only fun as long as you use them properly. We talk all the time about practicing your flogging and paddling on a pillow or yourself before hitting another person. Anyone who hit the too-high setting on a vibrator knows how intense that can be, especially if it’s an unpleasant sensation.

Even the most benign sex toy can feel bad if not used properly or just in a way you don’t like. Before you try something new, test it out. Every thing John Brownstone hits me with goes across his arm or thigh and then my arm or thigh, before ever coming in contact with my ass. With bondage, he constantly checks to make sure it fits, isn’t too tight, or that my extremities aren’t cold or tingling. Because your toys become a lot less fun when they don’t feel good.

Back in the day, when John Brownstone was still learning, he tried nipple clamps right out of the package without doing his homework. Clamps are fun, but you can’t leave them on forever (no matter what porn says). Cutting off circulation to any part of the body for too long is extremely risky and can turn pleasant pain into something unbearable. Thankfully, he learned that lesson before he met me.

Only You Can Decide What Feels Too Risky

As long as you’re a consenting and legal adult, you get to decide what risks you’ll take or not. While we caution everyone to play safe, this is your life, and only you can decide what you will and won’t do. The important thing, I think, is to make a fully-informed decision. Understand the risks first, and then break the “rules” because you’ve got all the information.

If John Brownstone (and my first Dom) had triggered my spidey-senses and not earned my trust, I wouldn’t have met them in the first place. But not everyone trusts their instincts that way. Some people are so eager to play and get kinky, they ignore their own intuition.

So the first rule of doing risky things is to be the type of person who listens to your gut. That will often tell you whether you’re taking too big of a risk.

If you know you usually end up in bad situations, the best thing to do is play it safe. Realize what the risks are and avoid them. No, we can’t avoid all risks in life. But we don’t have to put ourselves in front of an oncoming train, either.

Yes, go out and have kinky adventures! But also, be smart and safe about it. Don’t say yes to first person who offers kinky fun unless you understand the risks involved and feel comfortable with the person and the risks. It’s okay to decline and walk away. I promise you, this isn’t the only person who will ever make the offer to get kinky with you.

Okay, it’s your turn. What risks have you taken, now or when you first learned about BDSM? And would you do them again? Share in the comments below or talk to us on Twitter!

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5 Comments

  1. I met a man on fetlife. We talked alot and eventually started texting and phone calls. He moved around a lot. This wasnt a red flag but I did notice he was getting closer to me. I was new to fetlife. He was the first person I started talking to. He said he would mentor and train me. I was excited. He gave me small things to do which usually involved masterbating at work etc. Still he seemed nice and genuine. I asked if he had kids. He said two that he knew of. That is an old joke but he seemed serious. He later said he probably had 10 or so children scattered all over. Light red flag. Then he called one day and said he and a friend were coming to get me for the weekend that my training was about to kick up a notch. Flaming red flag! I blocked him on everything but I still worry about all the information I gave him and how easy it would be for him to find me with very little effort.

    • Kayla Lords

      September 4, 2018 at 11:09 am

      While there’s always the risk of that, I’m happy that you recognized the red flags and did what you needed to do to keep yourself safe.

  2. Sometimes it’s scary to think back on the mistakes of the past, but it’s great to share those experiences with others so (hopefully) they don’t make the same mistakes!

  3. I have definitely done the playing on a first date thing and never regretted it but I would always advise against it. I guess that is a case of do what say not what I do

    Molly

  4. This is a great post – you have told us what is best and how you did different – excellent – but that is life – we often don’t follow the “rules” – I have been very lucky in the past when i haven’t followed the rules – but if I were talking to my kids I would want them to play safe for sure 😉

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