Why We Say Caregiver/little Instead of DD/lg

To be clear, John Brownstone and I consider ourselves “DD/lg” or Daddy Dom/little girl…although to be really clear, it’s actually DD/bg or Daddy Dom/babygirl. So most people would probably understand if we used DD/lg to talk about the softer, gentler side of D/s.

And we have used that term and we probably will in the future. But we prefer to say — and are moving towards always saying Caregiver/little. What does it mean and why would we say something that doesn’t quite roll off the tongue? We’ve got our reasons.

More Inclusive

The first and, to us, most obvious reason is that Caregiver/little is more inclusive. Instead of using one term that points to a specific gender binary or assumes a heterosexual pairing, we’re staying as neutral as possible. Call yourself Daddy, Mommy, or something else? Are you little boy or baby boi? It all has a place in Caregiver/little.

One label to fit them all…

A Clearer Definition

A lot of people balk at the idea of being a Daddy or Mommy as a specific type of Dominant. There are a lot of reasons for that, but much of it has to do with understanding what it all means. When the vast majority of us hear those titles, we think about parenting. But “caregiver” is much more neutral. If you’ve been a caregiver to an aging parent, a sick spouse, or a child, you know that the definition is in the name — you provide care. Daddies, Mommies, and other Doms who fall into this category provide care, too. It’s just a different kind.

Get Past the Squick

We’ve gotten dozens of emails and messages from kinksters who have said some variation of the following:

“I thought DD/lg meant you had to identify with a specific age or pretend to be a kid or was just kind of gross. But your style of DD/lg makes sense to me, and I think I might be a Daddy/Mommy/little, etc.”

The alternative is:

“I always hated the term Daddy/Mommy so I didn’t think we would try it, even though I kind of like elements of it. But it’s not what I thought it was, so maybe I’m ready to learn more.”

This is a moment where labels hurt more than they help. We all have ideas of what something means based on stereotypes, erotica, porn, and just bad information. When you already have a definition of “Daddy” or “little girl” in your head and it involves kids, it’s going to squick you out. Using the term Caregiver/little tends to get people to ask, “What does that mean?” instead of assuming they know and getting grossed out.

Lessen the Assumption About Age Play

Okay, so first things first…age play can be a part of a Caregiver/little dynamic. Some littles identify closely with an age, and part of their dynamic is for the Dominant to assume a parental-like role for this legal, consenting adult who portrays the characteristics of a younger age. Diapers, pacifiers, sippy cups, coloring books, and a lot more may or may not be involved. Yes, this is totally a thing.

However, that’s not true for all Caregiver/little dynamics, and it’s not true all the time even for the kinksters who enjoy it. Because people have such a strong association with the words “Mommy” and “Daddy” and children, kinksters sometimes jump to the conclusion that age play is inherently involved. Speaking as one Caregiver/little dynamic in the world — no, it’s not. We don’t engage in age play because it’s not our thing, and we’re definitely still a Daddy Dom and babygirl combo.

We’re not the creators of “Caregiver/little” — as always, we heard it somewhere and liked it. That means we also don’t own the definition. As always, whether you say DD/lg or Caregiver/little, it’s whatever you make of it in your own power exchange. In episode 142, we’ll discuss the dynamic in greater detail.

Got opinions on Caregiver/little vs. DD/lg or any other name? Share in the comments below or talk to us on Twitter!

12 Responses

  1. Maître says:

    I guess whatever works for you it’s okay – and I think once people have gotten beyond being grossed out by their assumptions of age play, there is nothing at all wrong with DD/lg or – in your case as in ours, DD/bg. Your suggestion though gives me the shivers for a different reason: it sounds like the PC brigade taking offence on other people‘s behalf.

    • Kayla Lords says:

      Like all labels and titles, people can and will (and should) say what fits them best. So we’re not saying everyone should use C/l — but it’s what we’ll use, in general. And we’re explaining ourselves because it’s a new use of language which could be confusing for people.

      All that being said, if political correctness means making language more inclusive so people can see themselves in it and feel welcome, I’m all for it. It’s when it’s used as a cudgel to tell people what’s right and wrong that it can become toxic.

      We’re not saying don’t use DD/bg or whatever to describe your personal dynamic. We’re simply saying that this is another way to describe the dynamic writ large — for anyone who wants or would like an alternative.

  2. IMSTR says:

    I love it! I am a sub in discovery mode. In my “real” world, I am the one everyone in my life depends on (spouse to disabled person, sole wage earner, solo parent essentially). In my kink life, I prefer being cared for but it has been hard to give myself over because I didn’t really understand what I have been craving. Yes, I got the DD/lg dynamic and I could see the appeal but it never quite fit. This description of and the term Caregiver/little has really struck a chord, especially in light of a very eye opening (in a very good way) experience I had with a friend last week.

    I love reading your blog! Thank you for sharing with us!

  3. Beth says:

    I like Caregiver/little when talking about the dynamic in general and trying to explain it to others. Online I’ve met little boys who have Mommies, and I want my language to include them and others as well, even though my own dynamic is DD/lg. I’ve also met couples where the female sub identifies as a babygirl like you, but neither she or her partner are comfortable with the title “Daddy” but he’s still a very caring Dom.

    I think inclusiveness is awesome. Thank you for taking the time to explain this additional terminology.

    • Kayla Lords says:

      I agree that it’s good for general purposes. People can (and should!) use whatever fits their own unique dynamic. 🙂

  4. Daddy David says:

    Its about a mind set as labels have become nearly meaningless. Ads sound like word salad.
    Caregiver I find too generic. Or perhaps its because I was a fulltime caregiver to my late submissive for her last 5 years.
    My self identification as a Daddy and my new submissive as a baby girl is because its more us. The master / slave labels that describe our dynamic seem so sterile and void.
    Also, Age play has no part, at all on our life though her girlish characteristics are quite evident to me.
    After all, she’s just a grandma with strong girlish / child like aspects needing nurtured. And a Daddy who loves spoiling his ‘good girl’. As older kinksters its not like we have anything better to do, than sensuously enjoy each others company.

    • Kayla Lords says:

      Labels mean whatever we want them to mean, which of course means they can become meaningless too (let’s take a shot every time I say “mean” or “meaning” lol). In our own relationship, he’s Daddy, and I’m babygirl, and we’re DD/bg (not lg because it doesn’t feel right to me). But when we talk about the dynamic in general, Caregiver/little feels right (to US) because it encompasses more styles. But what people choose to use for their own dynamic and how they think of that part of the lifestyle is always completely up to them — and it should fit what feels right to you.

  1. August 17, 2018

    […] Why We Say Caregiver/little Instead of DD/lg (blog post) […]

  2. October 24, 2018

    […] we tend to have younger than our natural age behaviors, traits, and/or mindset. Their Dominant is a Caregiver, even if they don’t take a Mommy or Daddy title. A little wants or needs to be nurtured, […]

  3. October 2, 2019

    […] Why We Say Caregiver/little Instead of DD/lg (blog post) […]

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