When a Scene Goes Bad: The Right and Wrong Way to Handle It by Little Rara
“A top who has never had something go wrong in a scene has either been unbelievably lucky or has barely scened at all.”
A friend said this to me once after we had witnessed a scene go wrong, and I couldn’t agree more. BDSM is very risky and anyone who says otherwise is a fool. If you are smart and experienced, then you have identified ways to minimize risks, but there is still always the chance that things can go wrong. They can be small things but they can also be really big things and everyone, top and bottom, should be prepared to deal with mistakes.
I am a masochist so my style of play is pretty hardcore. Therefore, the potential for getting hurt is always there and I work with tops who make every effort to keep me safe. But the risk certainly exists, and I have been injured twice during impact scenes, both time resulting in scars. One top handled the scene with intelligence and grace; the other did not. I only continue to play with one of these tops. Can you guess which one?
The Right Way
My first injury happened during a flogging scene. My top was a good friend, and I had scened with him multiple times and never had a problem. This night he was using a brand new flogger that he had made himself. Things were going fine, and I was having fun when all of a sudden my top stopped flogging and gasped. The handle of his flogger was held to the base with a long screw and apparently the screw had grazed me and taken a chunk of skin with it. I now had blood dripping down my butt. He immediately checked with me to make sure I was okay. The funny part is that between my subspace and high pain threshold, I had no clue I had been cut. He reached for his first aid kit which was a part of his toy bag and dealt with my cut. He apologized profusely for the injury.
Once my injury had been dealt with and my top was assured that I was okay, he began investigating what happened. He inspected his toy and was able to determine how the injury happened. He promised that he would correct the error and look at all of the floggers he had made and ensure that such a mistake wouldn’t happen again. Through further discussion with me and others who had been watching the scene, he also determined that he needed more space between himself and his bottom to ensure that the flogger handle would not touch the bottom.
My top continued to check in with me for a few days after the incident to make sure the healing process was going well. He also reassured me that he had learned from the mistake and had corrected it. I felt he had handled the situation well, and I have since scened with him again. I accepted that mistakes happen, I was just pleased and satisfied with how he handled the situation and confident that such a mistake would not happen again.
The Wrong Way
The second time I was hurt actually occurred during my birthday spanking scene. My favorite tops were selected to spank me using my favorite implement of theirs. One top selected a single tail whip and proceeded to use it. The first two hits were fine but on the third hit he opened up my skin and left a two inch cut. This time though it was not the top who took care of my cut but instead another friend did. The top’s only response was “oops.” He never apologized to me, and he never spoke of the incident to me again.
This cut happened to me more than six months ago but every time I look at my butt, I see the scar and am reminded of the injury. I had to wear bandages on it for two weeks, because it had become infected. I continued to see the top at other events, and he never mentioned the incident. There was no apology. There was no discussion of what happened or a realization of how to avoid a repeat of the incident. I have little faith that he learned or that the mistake wouldn’t happen again. As a result, while we have maintained a friendship, I no longer scene with him.
I’m not angry or upset that I got hurt. Nor am I angry or upset that I have a scar. I am upset, and hurt, by the lack of remorse. I am frustrated by the lack of learning. I am sad because I loved scening with him and had some amazing scenes involving whipping clothespins off my body and I miss that. But because of the way this top chose to deal with his mistake, I just can’t scene with him and feel safe.
As a bottom, I always have a choice as to who I play with. I want them to have knowledge, honed skills and a reasonable amount of experience. I don’t expect my tops to be perfect though. Everyone makes mistakes but if we don’t learn from them, we are doomed to repeat them. I have great confidence in the first top that he gained wisdom and knowledge from what happened and has made changes to the way he makes floggers and uses them. I have very little confidence that the second top will make different choices the next time he participates in a whipping scene. Mistakes are learning opportunities and if your top isn’t willing to learn, then you shouldn’t be willing to bottom for them.
Rara is a kink party and event planner in the Washington, DC area. She has her own personal dungeon where she holds BDSM play parties. She also hosts munches, facilitates a discussion group on Poly and Power Exchange Relationships and organizes educational classes. Rara is an active member of her local BDSM community enjoying life as a poly masochistic bottom. Her kinks include impact, rope suspension, needles and more.
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