LovingBDSM

The Loving BDSM Podcast

3 Reasons Why Dom Drop Happens

We should probably get one thing out of the way. Subs aren’t the only kinksters who can drop after a scene, kinky fuckery, or just some intense D/s…stuff. Dom drop is very real. And FYI, it says absolutely nothing about what “kind” of Dominant you are (or what kind your partner may be) or whether you’re a good Dom or not.

Why a Dominant may drop depends on what’s going on in their head and around them. These are just three of the most common we’ve experienced, seen, or heard about. The reasons you drop may be different but they are just as valid.

What Goes Up Must Come Down

Subspace is a thing and so is Top or Dom space. While the sensations and experiences might be different, the impact is the same. Feel good endorphins, adrenaline, and any number of other biochemical responses are going on in the brain and the body. John Brownstone reports that he gets hyper-focused, as if there’s nothing but he and I in the whole world.

And what goes up, must come down. Whether or not you call your experience of top/dom space a “high” doesn’t matter. It’s about how the body and mind react. Yes, a Dom can feel low, anger, sadness, or just…off after coming down from top space.

What Kind of Monster Am I?

Depending on the  kind of kinky play you enjoy with a partner, it’s not uncommon to question yourself afterwards. Did I really just hit my partner? Am I the type of person who enjoys causing pain? Saying cruel things? Treating someone I care about that way?

What we do in BDSM is on the edge, and some of it is on the extreme edge. Don’t beat yourself up if once the fun is over you’re left wondering whether you’re a monster or not. FYI: You’re not. And talking to your sub/bottom about their experience of the moment may help you remember this was a consensual thing that you both enjoyed.

This Isn’t Right

Different from the low that can come from questioning your morality or humanity after kinky fuckery, we’re all subject to cultural or societal norms and expectations. Are you coming out of your role as a “gentleman” to be brutal to a partner even though you’ve been told all your life “real men” don’t do this? Have you been taught that it’s more ladylike to let the man lead and there you are, beating your partner’s ass, defying everything you’ve been told is “right” or “true?”

It might not even be as gender-normative as all of that. Maybe you’re discovering a different part of your sexuality or gender identity and none of it matches what you think you know. Can an intense scene (that felt pretty damn good during and so fucking right) leave you feeling low or uncertain a day or even a week later? Of course it can.

Dom Drop Happens

Dominance is just as mental for you as submission can be for your partner. We all tend to focus on the physical acts and our kinky fuckery and forget there’s a living, breathing person who has to deal with what we do. Dom drop is very real and shouldn’t be ignored. Your emotions, both the good and the bad, need to be reckoned with. Some self-reflection may help, as might some additional connection with your partner. Neither of that might work, and you might have to get creative to figure out the fix — or just ride it out.

We’ve discussed drop (both Dom and sub) in a previous episode (39 to be exact) because it happens to both sides of the slash. In episode 127, we’ll focus on Dom drop specifically. We shouldn’t pretend like it doesn’t exist or that Doms who experience it are weak or less Domly (neither are true). It’s a natural part of the kinky fuckery experience.

These aren’t the only reasons drop happens. Have you experienced Dom drop in the past? Why do you think it happened and how did you help yourself through it? Feel free to share with us in the comments below!

7 Comments

  1. When I feel she has not been completely honest about going past, or pushing a limit, and says I didn’t want to spoil it for you. It’s a realisation that my trust in her has been breached. I know there are physical cues and watch for them, but I am not a mind-reader. Lack of trust really gives me a drop. She must trust that I am ok with her safewording, or ‘oranging’, but I need to trust her to let me know. Just an opinion.

    • Kayla Lords

      April 26, 2018 at 10:11 pm

      I can definitely see where that could lead to drop and problems later on. It’s definitely something that needs to be communicated and discussed. Trust takes time to build, for both of you, so it may be worth it to see where the problem is coming from and address that. But don’t be afraid to be honest about how it’s impacting you, too. Sometimes submissives forget their Doms go through the same kind of worries and suffer as a result.

      • I need some help…. This is the only site I’ve found that will let me post a reply. Will you help me? Please?

        • Kayla Lords

          May 3, 2018 at 8:27 pm

          It’s hard to know if we can help, but you’re free to send us an email and we’ll try. You can use the contact us link or just email us at lovingbdsmpodcast at gmail dot com.

  2. Dom drop is real and while I understand trust failures can add a trigger to a drop. I don’t think someone should only think Drop can happen when there is an issue.
    Drop can happen and does happen after even some of the best scenes. The body respondsin several different ways. It can mimic depression symptoms, lethargic reactions , confusion, hunger, even that I need that I need my morning coffee feeling.. (just to name a few)
    If the scene was bad, if trust was broken, if you went to far. Doesn’t mean oh I am in drop that’s why I feel like this . (Not saying it that you may not be in drop as well but there maybe more to it)
    It may mean it is time to look at that scene and or your partner and have that Renegotiation . It maybe the sign you need to have coffee and conversation (our term for our weekly D/s check)
    Do not just assume every bad issue causes a drop or ignore the need for open dialogue in your partner that how a good Dom differs in their relationships.
    Canspanknjax

    • Kayla Lords

      May 14, 2018 at 7:21 pm

      You raise good points. Drop happens for all kinds of reasons, even if the best situations, and sometimes we tell ourselves we’re in drop when really we’re in a bad situation in a current relationship.

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