Okay, so we know that not everyone has a partner or wants to celebrate Valentine’s Day (whether you’re with someone or not) but if we can pervert the home improvement store, we can certainly pervert a holiday. No, kinking up a holiday isn’t an original idea…but for some people who see Valentine’s Day as just a holiday of empty promises, cheap candy, cards no one will remember, and crowds at restaurants, it’s time to re-think things a bit.

Note: Some links and coupon codes are part of affiliate programs we belong to. If you make a purchase, we make a small commission. In some cases you actually get a discount when you use our code – so it’s a win-win. Kinky fuckery for you and the continuation of a serious coffee addiction for us.

Smack It, Flip It, Rub It Down

And by “it” we mean whatever you love touching most. We make no secret that The Butters is our favorite lube, but you can do more than reduce friction with it. With our Butters products (of which we have several), we’ve fucked in the middle of the night, tortured a certain submissive babygirl with slick touches on soft body parts, and generally had a damn good time.

The available body butters are great for sensual massage – and since everything is body safe, you won’t mind if it gets near all your sensitive places. If you want to take a warm, romantic bath together, try a bath bomb, a body scrub, or even the beeswax candle (for lighting – not wax play, as far as I know). But yeah, for a feel-good, not runny, makes your skinner softer lube? We love The Butters.

Use code “Kayla” and save 5 percent – and shipping over $40 is currently free (as of publication date): Get the Butters!

Buzzy Pleasure Together or Alone

We are huuuuuuge fans of vibrators and sex toys for vulvas and penises. I need clitoral stimulation and John Brownstone can handle all kinds of vibrations on his cock and testicles. He’s even used my vibrator to get himself off…which is kind of fun to watch. Sometimes we play alone, and sometimes we play together. Sex toys aren’t replacements for the other, but a tool that enhances our pleasure and makes us feel good.

For us, orgasms are key. Forced or just a quickie, we don’t always care. If we’re using a vibrator it’s because we want to get off. Looking for something to try? We have a few favorites…

Try the Pulse III Duo or Solo (for penises) or the Queen Bee (designed for vulvas but John Brownstone had plenty of fun with it recently) by Hot Octopuss. They’ve got a new Pocket Pulse out now that we’ll be reviewing soon (fingers-crossed that we love it.)

The Original Magic Wand is cliche but it works damn well for us – for forced orgasms or just quick, squirty ones. Get yours from any retailer including Good Vibes.

The Crescendo by Mystery Vibe is a bendable vibrator that can be operated by mobile app. We’ve both used it to great satisfaction. (We won’t talk about my gleeful giggle when I got to work the app while he played.) Use our link and you’ll save 15 percent. 

Watch Kinky Porn Together

Yes, watching porn together is totally a thing. We’ve done it, from 30 second clips on Twitter to 20 minutes of glorious kink from Crash Pad Series. We know free porn is easy to come by (pardon the pun), but for the stuff that reflects the real world, paying for your porn is a good idea. You get better quality stuff that doesn’t make you wonder if you need to wax your butt or get a boob job.

Try Crash Pad Series for realistic BDSM fun, bodies that look like the rest of us, and a really inclusive and often beautiful experience. The last bit we watched turned us on enough that we forgot the screen and spent the rest of the night fucking.

Show Your Kinky Pride

If you’ve watched even a couple of our videos, you know we have a “uniform” of sorts. John Brownstone is most often in his DD shirt, and I’ve got “Baby girl” plastered across my chest…in purple. Because of course I do. For some of us, wearing our kink on our chest outside of the house isn’t an option. But a cropped shirt and cute underwear could be fun for a sexy scene. So could a longer t-shirt that doesn’t make you feel self conscious.

Who are you? Daddy’s cum slut? Mommy’s little whore? Slave? Master? However you identify, Kinky Cloth can make a shirt perfect for you. If you don’t see it on their site, request a custom order, and they’ll make it happen! Use code KINKYKAYLA and save an extra 25 percent off your order!

Talk About Your Kinks

We know that sometimes one half of a relationship follows us while they figure out their kinky self. Sometimes your other half isn’t ready to talk about kink, or you’re still unsure of how to bring it up. If (and only if) you’re ready, maybe this Valentine’s Day can be the time to finally talk about what you want from your current relationship. You know we believe in open and honest communication — and saying the hard stuff. But sometimes you need help.

Simpatic.Us is an online test designed to help you start the kink conversation. You each take the test separately and wait for the results. The report you get back will only show the kinks you have in common. If you’ve got a kink you’re really nervous about admitting, this lets you start on common ground. Use code LovingBDSM10 and save 25 percent ($10 off) the total price.

Make a Big Impact

If pain and impact play is your kink of choice (or just one of them), beat the one you love for Valentine’s Day – and let us help! Okay, pardon us for saving the best for last and pimping ourselves but y’all know how we feel about impact play. It’s more than our kink. Impact play is the peanut butter to our jelly, the ham to our cheese, the…well, you get our point. It’s our jam, and we loooooove it. When we get kinky, John Brownstone knows if I’m saying, “No, Daddy, no!” I really mean, “Fucking hell, whatever you do, don’t stop!” (Red means “stop” in our scenes.)

Our love of hitty things has spilled over into John Brownstone’s woodworking and as a result, he makes hitty things – canes and wooden paddles. In other words, weapons of ass destruction.

We offer two sizes of canes. The thinner wand is a 1/4″ evil stick and very bendy. The 3/8″ cane is evil and bendy, too, just a little less evil.

Our wooden paddles come in two lengths with sharp edges all around – which create both a solid thud and a bit of sting if the edge lands just right (or wrong). Later this year, we’ll offer rounded edge paddles for those who want to avoid the sting. The longer length can generally cover both cheeks in one blow. And yes, it hurts as much as you might imagine.

And if it matters, all canes and paddles land across my (completely covered) ass as a sort of quality control before we ship it to you.

If you’ve got all the tools you need to kink up this Valentine’s Day, alone or with a partner, have fun! And if you need some new toys to make it special, we hope our suggestions help.

Remember, your kinky fuckery only works if you communicate. If you’re planning something fun and kinky with your partner, make sure you have their consent – informed and enthusiastic. Having a quick conversation about your plans won’t ruin the moment, but surprising your partner with unwanted pain or sensation will.