“Tests” in D/s Relationships LB103

We’re a little bit ranty this week, but it’s all for a good cause. A new-to-us red flag appears to be submissives being “tested” on their D/s relationship without knowing it, without consenting to it, and without cause. Are there ways to prove yourself to each other in a D/s relationship? Definitely but not the way it’s been described by confused, upset, and/or angry submissives.

In this episode:

  • Our giveaway winner for the 100th episode is….LewdVulpine! Find her on Fetlife or in the Loving BDSM community!
  • We know there have been problems with the website. We’re working on it with great help, and hope to have it better as soon as possible.
  • Tests aren’t required in D/s.
  • You can have challenges or tests in your dynamic but only if it’s negotiated and agreed to by both of you.
  • “Testing” a partner without their consent and then punishing them if they fail is wrong, lacks consent, and manipulative.
  • The real “tests” aren’t tests at all.

Links from the show:

5 Real Ways to Prove Yourself in D/s Relationships

From Daddy’s Desk: Silence as Punishment (YouTube video)

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12 Responses

  1. KateValentine says:

    God how i wish you guys would do more then 1 podcast episode a week, cause you burn through 70 ~ 90 mins of this so damned fast when your giggling and listening to you 2 talk so passionately each week… It just makes me want MOAH!

    Love,
    Kate

    • KateValentine says:

      Oh yea just a little addition to the topic of the podcast this week:
      I unfortunately have yet to meet a dom who wasn’t a air quote dom or manipulative dom… So listening to you guys has given me the hope that i will one day meet a partner i can be proud to call my dominant! So sincerly thank you guys for being the amazing people that you are <3

      Much love,
      Kate

    • Kayla Lords says:

      If we could figure out a way to make that work, we probably would. I think that’s partly why we’re trying to do video – to have more opportunities for more conversations. ☺️

  2. Miss Lou says:

    Your topic this week hit close to home for me. Although this story isn’t in the context of a BDSM relationship, it’s directly related to power and manipulation. I feel like it’s important enough to share as cautionary tale.

    When I was barely a teenager, someone older and very close to me put me through a “test”. Her boyfriend had started flirting with me every time he left the room. Being so young, I had no idea how to respond and froze instead. The flirting eventually led to sexual abuse over a couple years.

    I found out one day that my twin sister (she may be only a minute younger than I, but she’ll always be under my wing) was going through the same thing with the same guy. The next morning, I outted him.

    When I told his girlfriend what happened, she told me that I had failed her test and that she obviously couldn’t trust me since I allowed him to do that to me.

    The entire situation was traumatic, of course, but her response crushed what was left of my soul.

    With years of reflection, I’ve realized that she was likely being played by him the whole time as well.

    Any test, no matter how big or small (unless consensually negotiated) is a game, with no possibility to win.

    Sorry for the depressing post, but I hope that it might prevent someone else from being put through repeated abuse.

    • Kayla Lords says:

      (((HUGS))) I am so sorry that happened to you. Thank you for sharing your story to help someone else. There is so much wrong in that situation. Abuse and manipulation aren’t the purview of any one group, but a very human problem. Tests like this, in any situation, are wrong and awful. ((HUGS))

  3. MissMay says:

    Are ya’ll trying to heal me Kayla Lords and John Brownstone? I feel like these last few podcasts have been directed right at my soul. I’ve been through so much of what ya’ll are podcasting about and it just hits so close to home that sometimes it hurts, but then by the end of the episode I’m feeling so refreshed and healed. And shoot, I’ve had an amazing Daddy for several years now. (5 plus) Your podcasts are an amazing experience and I am so glad that I stumbled across ya’ll…. and got to meet you in person!
    I agree that you need to consider doing two podcasts a week…or a bonus episode and a real episode a week. #cricketcrew.
    Post wedding of course. 🙂

    • Kayla Lords says:

      If we have a hand in healing your hurts, we are happy and honored to do it.

      If the website and other work we do can become self-sustaining, I might be willing to consider an extra podcast a week. We shall have to see…and yes, post wedding, lol.

  4. Newdaddy says:

    Hey Guys,

    I just wanted to chime in and share my take on your show.
    First of all, I may have a unique perspective of your show, because I’ve listened to pretty much all of your pod casts within the last month or so. The quality of your show has improved so much from the start. Not just the sound quality, but your skills as broadcasters…keep up the good work!
    I realize this episode was primarily geared towards subs, as a warning to avoid bad doms, and that is good. The aspect that I personally appreciated was the guidance on how to avoid being and feeling like an asshole, while filling my role in my relationship.

    You two are awesome!
    T-Rex

    • Kayla Lords says:

      Awww, thank you so much! And yes, you would definitely be able to hear the difference by binge listening, lol. Glad you enjoyed it and got something from it as a Dominant! 🙂

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