Imagine the perfect world D/s scenario (from the perspective of at least one submissive I know): They meet a Dominant partner who knows exactly what they want, how to do all the kinky things, and isn’t afraid to (consensually) take what they want. As the submissive, you share your limits and desires, but your Dominant takes care of the rest.
Now imagine the very real world of D/s: One partner figures out they’re kinky. The other person is too, but they’ve got a lot going on in the vanilla side of life. Maybe their job is crazy stressful. Also, they don’t feel like they have time to research anything, let alone how to be a Dominant or what their kinks might be. Really what they’d like is to have great kinky sex, and D/s sounds good but they have no clue how to make it happen. But you want to be their submissive, and you believe they can be the Dominant of your dreams.
Sound anything like your reality? It’s not the same for everyone but it’s familiar to many people. Frankly, I was fortunate enough to meet one experienced Dominant and then another. But that doesn’t mean even the most experienced Dom doesn’t need support when it’s time to learn new things.
You’re Not Topping, You’re Helping
The first thing submissives worry about when they realize they know more about D/s or that they’re more enthusiastic is that by telling a Dom what to do, they’re topping from the bottom. Sure, you might say something in a bossy, know-it-all tone that comes across badly, but that’s a tonal issue. If you want your partner to feel or behave like a Dominant, part of that means treating them like they are – so watch the tone.
But in reality, when you provide information on how to do something, share what you want, or point your partner in the right direction, you’re helping. In a way, you’re serving your Dominant, even if they don’t recognize it yet. If you’ve got knowledge, resources, or information that might help your partner discover if they’re genuinely Dominant, don’t hold back. You’re helping by providing it, not topping from the bottom.
Share Your Resources
You learned about BDSM and D/s from somewhere, hopefully beyond your erotica or porn stash. Feel free to share the resources you trust: books, online communities, blogs, or podcasts. (We might be a little biased about those last three.) Everyone learns in different ways so your partner might do better with audio or video than with books and blogs, but make what you use available to them so they can find what works.
Once your Dominant finds one resource that they trust, it’s not too difficult for them to find more. Sharing your trusted BDSM resources can help them find other people and places to follow. You’re helping them find a path to follow and taking the stress out of “where to start” which is yet another act of service.
Talk About What You Want
When we discuss communication it’s usually with the idea that you’re either both completely new or you’re beginning an already agreed upon D/s relationship regardless of your experience. Talking about what you want is considered the “natural process” in those situations (or should be!). Those things are very true and real. But even if your partner hasn’t quite figured out how they feel about kink and BDSM, you still need to talk to them about what you want.
The language you use with someone who knows about D/s and someone who doesn’t can be different. Instead of discussing in detail all the kinky fuckery you want, you may have to focus on the basics. Make sure you keep the conversation relaxed and avoid pressuring your partner to give you something they haven’t committed to. Remind them (and yourself) that this can move as slow as necessary.
Be Patient with Your Dominant
Submissives, in general, aren’t always known for our patience. We want what we want when we want it. That’s part of the allure of that strong, confident Dominant. They force us to wait, sometimes making us beg for it, sometimes requiring discipline from us. No matter how it happens, they exercise their control over our desires.
You’re going to have to do a bit of that on your own for now. It’s normal to feel impatient with the amount of time it takes, how your partner responds to BDSM, and when they begin their education into Dominance and submission. You’re enthusiastic and you want them to be as excited as you are. The feeling is natural, but that doesn’t mean you should rush your partner.
If your partner is the careful, conscientious type who moves at a slow, steady pace, that’s actually a good thing. Sometimes it’s for fear of hurting you or doing something wrong. You’re going to have to tell them when they do things well and when they don’t. You should do this in any D/s relationship, but it’s especially important as you support your Dominant in their kinky education.
If you worry that you’re doing too much to get exactly what you want (instead of the kinky denial or set limits you crave), try not to let that concern get in the way of your feedback. Focus more on technique and what works for you and what doesn’t. Maybe they gave into you too quickly when you begged for an orgasm. When you discuss it, let them know it’s okay to make you wait longer. The decision is still up to them, but you’ve made it clear they can take it up a notch.
New Dominants Need Support
We may focus on the new submissives who fall victim to predators and abusers, subfrenzy, and an inability to communicate. And those things are vitally important. But new Dominants need support, too. When you’re already in a relationship, it can be easier to provide. You already trust each other (hopefully), and you both have someone to lean on while you make this transition in your relationship. Even though you wish your Dominant would figure out their kinks and get busy dominating you, you have more opportunities to serve right now than you realize.
Single Dominants need support, too, though. We can’t forget them in all of this, even if they don’t think they need any help. If you see them out in the wild and can establish a rapport (as a submissive or a fellow Dom), try to steer them in the right direction whenever possible. By sharing what we know (in and out of relationships), we can help new, uncertain Dominants become good ones. That helps the entire community.
To anyone who’s been the submissive teaching your partner about dominance, or the new Dominant being lead/helped by a submissive, what was your experience? What worked for you? What didn’t? Please share in the comments below!