7 Things Good Dominants Do
I’m not fond of the term “real” Dominant as if another option is the “imaginary” Dom. In the context of figuring out who’s a fake/wannabe/poser Dom, who’s uneducated and has more to learn, and who the good Doms are, “real” is often the word we use. Let’s go with “good” instead, m’kay?
Prefer to listen rather than read? Check out Loving BDSM podcast minisode 11: Things Good Dominants D0
Good Dominants Apologize
John Brownstone gave a sincere, heartfelt apology to me the other day because he felt I had been wronged by him. It was beautiful and powerful. It made my submissive heart shrivel a little because I don’t want my Daddy Dom to ever have to say “I’m sorry.”
But when they do wrong, inadvertently or not, a good Dominant apologizes and owns the part they played in a situation. They realize it doesn’t make them any less Dominant to admit fault. They’re not less of a Dominant because they said “sorry.”
Good Dominants are Nurturing
When we think of a “nurturing” Dominant, we tend to think of caregivers with their littles, but that’s not what I mean here. In this case, it’s about a Dom who wants to see their submissive grow and realize their full potential.
It may mean they push you to reach your goals, believe in you when no one else does, and even put their own goals or dreams on hold or to the side so you can reach for the stars. It could be as simple as taking care of you when you get sick.
Good Dominants are Respectful
All human interactions should be polite and respectful, but this is real life and to often, respect goes out the window, and people are rude. Even in kink there are times, when appropriate, that a Dominant may say some degrading things to a submissive because they both get off on it.
But outside of those times, while a submissive may be required to be respectful due to protocol or expectations in the D/s relationship, a good Dominant will be too. A condescending tone, bullying, or simple rudeness isn’t necessary and can often make things much more.
Good Dominants Do the Dishes
I’m using “do the dishes” as a catch-all for most housework. So this can include sweeping, doing laundry, and cleaning the bathroom. The point is that they’re willing to do their fair share to help around the house.
Right now, most of those domestic things fall on me because I work from home. We’ve included them in my list of tasks to help me feel submissive. But life is about to change, and I’m going to need help. A good Dominant can and will do those things.
Side note: Bathrooms are a hard limit for John Brownstone so I do those, and he’s willing to do anything else.
Good Dominants Cook
I know submissives that can’t boil water and others who hate cooking. Guess what? A Dominant that doesn’t want to be a bully or go hungry can and will cook a meal. I tend to cook all of our meals, but even that will be changing soon.
While he’s cooked for me before, it still feels strange. And when he doesn’t cook, he sets the table and helps clear it, too. You’re both in this together, and while some things might be your tasks (especially if it’s your Dominant who can’t cook), it doesn’t have to be that way.
Good Dominants are Stay-at-Home Parents
Being a stay-at-home parent tends to fall along gender stereotypes but kink life mirrors vanilla life in a lot of ways. Just as more fathers are staying at home, and more families are two moms or two dads, in the kink world, there’s no rule that only a submissive takes care of the children.
Parenting is the least kinky thing on the planet in general so your kink role shouldn’t matter at all. A parent is a parent. But I think some of us have this image in our mind of a bread-winning, money-earning Dominant. Sometimes, the Dominant is the one covered in spit-up all day who can’t remember the last time they showered.
Good Dominants Don’t Have to Wear Suits
This isn’t to say that only the bad Dominants wear suits, and clearly I’m speaking of male Dominants right now. My point is that you don’t have to wear a suit to be considered “real” or “good.” John Brownstone beats my ass just fine while wearing his pajama shorts. And I think he’s damn sexy in jeans.
The other side of that is your Domme doesn’t have to be covered head-to-toe in latex while wearing spiked heels, either. The clothes don’t make the Dominant.
To be clear, I’m not saying that if your Dominant doesn’t do all of these these they’re a bad Dominant. Maybe you don’t live together. Maybe you don’t have children together. Maybe they really like their suit. Watch out, though, for a Dom who doesn’t have your best interest in mind or refuses to apologize when they’re wrong. The important part is the intention behind how they act and the beliefs we have about what “true” or “real” Dominance.
In episode 81 of the podcast, we discuss the roles we have outside of our D/s relationship — and how those roles might impact our relationship.