The Loving BDSM Podcast

Sadism and Masochism in a D/s Relationship LB061

Kayla Lords and John Brownstone discuss sadism and masochism in a D/s relationship in episode 61 of the Loving BDSM podcast.

In this episode:

  • John Brownstone is having a sale on his (very vanilla) Etsy shop – The Wood Dom!
  • S & M is separate from D/s – you can be one, but not the other.
  • Not every kinkster is into pain.
  • One of you can be into it and not the other and still make it work
    • A non-masochist sub may consider it part of their submission, another way to make a Dominant happy; a non-sadist may try it out to make a submissive happy or fill a need
  • You can “outsource” S&M if one of you is into it and the other isn’t – find someone you like and trust who can top or bottom for you to fulfill that need, a play partner
  • Common myths:
    • Only one type of S&M play – the extreme stuff
    • Masochists/subs are supposed to be quiet all the time – LOL
    • S & M is very serious business – yes, it is because of safety issues but there’s room for fun and laughter, too
    • Sadists are mean and masochists are extreme
  • S&M isn’t always about sharp pain – it can be about torture and fear in a variety of forms:
    • Edged/forced orgasms
    • Mind fucks
    • Teasing
    • Humiliation play
    • Tickling
    • Sensation play
    • Impact play
  • S&M can cause pain in one of three ways: physical, mental, or emotional (or a combination) – another reason to play very safe and use safewords and give aftercare
  • Dom Space – hyper focused on submissive and the scene
  • Sub Space – high on feel good chemicals

Links from the show:

The Wood Dom – John Brownstone’s Etsy shop – use code WOODDOM for 20{41b2ccad9c9615e377be815ad205595d71b5b6a7a02ca926ea5182d1112aa551} off $25 purchase (November 2016 only!)

Try These Kinky Forced Orgasm Scenarios (Kinkly)

You Don’t Have to Like All Kinds of Pain to Call Yourself a Masochist (Kinkly)

Spankings (podcast episode)

Follow Kayla on Twitter

Stalk John Brownstone

Kayla Lords on Fetlife

John Brownstone on Fetlife

Contact Kayla Lords

Contact John Brownstone


  1. Can you be a sadist submissive or a masochist dominant?

    • Kayla Lords

      October 11, 2017 at 9:50 pm

      Absolutely. It might not be the most common thing, but it does happen. Sometimes a D/s relationship can make that work easily, where the sadistic submissive “serves” by giving their Dominant the pain they crave (and also fulfilling their own sadistic need). Sometimes people are switches so that makes it easier to do. And sometimes, a sadistic sub may top a masochist they know (but aren’t in a relationship with) and a masochist Dom may bottom for a sadist (someone they aren’t in a relationship with). Basically, there are multiple ways to make sure that a sadistic sub or a masochist Dom can get what they need – whether they’re single or in a relationship.

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