John Brownstone joins Kayla Lords in episode 53 of the Loving BDSM podcast. This week they’ve taken a topic suggestion from a reader who wanted to know how to figure out when to safeword and when to allow their boundaries to be pushed.
In this episode:
- Looking for a vibrator to rip the orgasms from your submissive? Check out Good Vibes. They carry our personal favorite – the Original Magic Wand.
- Congratulations to the one year anniversary giveaway winner – Jen V.!
- This week’s episode comes from a listener who had specific (and good!) questions about figuring out when to safeword and when to allow your boundaries to be pushed.
- Safeword basics – what are they, how they work, and using gestures when words can’t be spoken.
- When should you use one – anytime you think it’s necessary because something doesn’t feel right: bad pain, fear, panic, an emotional reaction you didn’t expect, anything can be cause for a safeword.
- When a safeword is used, all play stops. Aftercare should be given. As soon as you’re able to, talk about why the safeword was used.
- Dominants should not rely only on a safeword, especially when you’re new to your D/s relationship. Watch body language. Check in and ask. The red-yellow-green system works well for this. Red means stop, yellow is slow down, and green means keep going.
- Safewords are to be used by a submissive whenever they feel its necessary but that comes with responsibility. If you intend to use (or have used) your safeword to get out of punishment or to get out of pre-negotiated task or responsibility, you need to talk to your Dominant about why you don’t want to do it. Relying on your safeword to get out of things you simply don’t like isn’t a healthy way to handle issues in D/s.
- Deciding whether a boundary is being pushed or you’re playing in an unsafe manner is a personal decision. Learn to listen to and trust your intuition, and when something doesn’t feel right, use your safeword – even if you can’t immediately explain why.
- BDSM and kink are fringe things and very emotional and mental. All kinds of old memories, issues, and fears can be triggered when you play. If this happens, use your safeword.
- If you continually use your safeword in every single play situation, you may set up a “crying wolf” scenario. Always use it if you need to, but talk to your partner about why you continually use it. Are fears being triggered? Do you really not enjoy that kind of play? You must communicate with one another.
- In our opinion (and others may disagree), the goal of your kinky play shouldn’t be to get to the safeword. The safeword means that you’re in a danger zone and something is wrong. Yes, boundaries should be pushed, and going until you can’t take anymore can be fun – but it can also be dangerous. To the Dominants, remember, don’t break your toys.
- Should Dominants have a safeword too? Not in our opinion because a Dominant is in control of the scene and the relationship. If something is bothering them, they can (and should!) stop when they need to but a safeword isn’t usually necessary for that. Only you can decide if you need one in your relationship.
- BONUS: After the “keep it kinky” sign off, we hung around and chatted about life, stuff going on, and random thoughts for a few minutes. If you’re interested, stick around for that part.
Links from the show:
The Original Magic Wand on Good Vibes (affiliate link)