Where and How to Find a Good Dominant LB042

Kayla Lords hosts episode 42 and answers a question a lot of listeners have been asking lately: “Where do I find a good Dominant?”

In this episode:

  • Want something to spice up your e-reader? Check out the bookstore on my website.
  • Several listeners have sent in the same question: where do I find a good Dominant?
  • The answer is much more complex than “where” to find one – it’s “how” to find one that matters.
  • Kinky people are everywhere, even if you don’t realize it.
  • There is no “special” way to meet kinky people other than to go where we are. People are people, and you need to treat interactions with kinksters like you would with anyone else – be kind, courteous, and open.
  • While munches are always an excellent place to meet people, most people will start online.
  • Pick any social media/online space you prefer to be on: Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, etc. and you’ll find kinksters. Fetlife, for all it’s problems, is an obvious choice for finding kinky people – locally or not.
  • You’ll have to decide if you want to use a “fake” profile for your kinky self or the vanilla one you already have. There’s no wrong choice. It’s personal preference.
  • Search for groups, hashtags, and anything involving kink.
  • Start following people, joining groups, and participating in the conversation.
  • There are a few things you shouldn’t do and a few things you can/should to find a good Dominant.
  • Don’t respond to random (and aggressive/predatory) messages from wannabes/posers. Delete, and if necessary, block them.
  • Try not to respond when a nice conversation gets creepy, scary, or aggressive. Delete, delete, delete. If you must respond, do it just once, because otherwise you’ll get sucked into a conversation that takes up time and space you don’t need to waste on an asshole.
  • When you don’t respond to the ridiculous messages you receive, especially when they’re unsolicited, you’re not being rude or a bad submissive.
  • Do not solicit Dominants with messages like “Spank me, Daddy” or “I want to be your submissive” especially when you don’t know them. If you don’t like it when the fake Doms do it to you, why would you do it to anyone else?
  • Do share, reblog, comment, and engage with kinky people who seem nice and interesting.
  • Always be your genuine self. Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not simply to get attention or find a partner.
  • When it feels appropriate, feel free to reach out in email or private message to say hi. Keep it friendly.
  • The purpose of all this is to make friends. Whether this person becomes your Dominant or not, friendship should come first.
  • Making the first contact is not frowned upon, as long as you’re polite. Some Dominants even appreciate it.
  • Even when you do all the “right” things it won’t always work. The other person might not be interested or the vibe is wrong.
  • Worse case scenario: you come across a predator that plays the game too well. Always listen to your intuition. If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t.
  • Feel free to comment below or reach out and let me know if you have other tips for finding good kinky partners or if you have questions of your own.

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Full Transcript

You’re listening to Loving BDSM podcast: episode 42. Hey, everybody. Kayla Lords here! This week let’s talk about where and how to find a good Dominant. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this is your first time listening, glad to have you! If you’re back for another week, welcome back! Loving BDSM is produced every Friday for your kinky pleasure and education and show notes are found at kaylalords.com. Come back often and feel free to add the podcast to your favorite RSS feed or iTunes. If you love what you hear, we’d love a good review on iTunes to help other kinksters find us! You can follow me on Twitter @KaylaLords or stalk John Brownstone at southernsirsplace.com. All links are in the show notes.

Real quick because I know we have some new listeners out there. I’m not just a kinky woman talking about her kinky life. I’m also an erotic author who writes about D/s from a sexy, steamy, kinky, and yet still realistic perspective – no billionaires and their secretaries in my stories. My books are available for sale through my website – from erotic romance to some kinky poetry. Whether you have a Kindle, Nook, or are happy to read from your computer, if you go to kaylalords dot com slash shop you can find my books for sale. If you buy the PDF version as a direct download from me, you’ll even save a little, too. The link to my shop is in the show notes.

Now, let’s get into the show.

In the past few weeks, several people have reached out with the same type of question, and it’s too big of a question for me to sit down and type out a simple email about. Submissives are asking a very specific question – where do I find the good Dominants?

Which tells me you have zero problem finding the crappy ones, right?

As much as I wish I could give you a three step checklist of exactly what to do or send you to a remote island where the Dominant of your dreams is waiting for you to pick him or her like you’d pick a wildflower, it’s not really that simple of an answer.

What I will do is tell you what I think you should do – and not do – to help you find the good Dominants, and there’s a chance, it’s not at all what you think the answer is.

I know where the question comes from – a few places actually. You’re propositioned by assholes who only want pictures of your tits or pussy or cock or whatever. You thought you were close to having a good D/s relationship, and then they vanished or freaked out on you or just became someone you didn’t recognize. You see relationships like the one I have with John Brownstone and other D/s couples online and you decide that’s what you want but you don’t know how to get it.

I understand. I promise.

Long before I met John Brownstone, I followed kinky blogs and wanted what I read between the lines of every sexy, smutty post. The reason I talk about our D/s relationship – good, bad, ugly, and everything in between – the way I do is because it takes more than really kinky, erotic sexy moments to make a relationship.

And for those of you who are new to BDSM and D/s, I get why you’d ask a question like this. The kinky world, from the outside looking in, looks like a special club or gang and you don’t know what the words we use mean, and you wonder if there’s a special handshake to let others know you’re one of them. It can be intimidating and weird and scary and a million things that are anything but kinky.

I understand that, too.
But the thing I really need all of you, the submissives looking for good Dominants and coming up short, to know is this one simple principle.

Kinky people are people. There’s no special place to meet us – most of the time. There’s no secret code or handshake you need to know.

Meeting a good Dominant is a lot like meeting a good vanilla partner or the person who becomes your best friend or the guy you carpool to work with.

Don’t get me wrong. There are specific ways to go about meeting kinky people or at least knowing the group of people you’re with is probably kinky like you are. But I need you to remember, first and foremost, that kinksters are people. This isn’t as different as you imagine it to be.

So let’s start with the “where to meet a good Dom” and then I’ll get into the part I really want to talk about which is how to meet one.

I’m a huge advocate for meeting kinksters in your local community, and I’ll always include that in the list, but these days almost everything starts online.

Where do you find the good Doms? Nearly anywhere you spend time online.

Yes, go on Fetlife – I recommend it for the local kinky community and all the groups you can join. But you can also be on Twitter, Tumblr, Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, and I’m sure Snapchat and whatever else is out there that I don’t even know about. Hell, John Brownstone and I met through our mutual blogs.

Wherever people are, someone in the mix is kinky.

I recommend starting with whatever place you’re most comfortable with. If you live on Facebook, start there. If Twitter’s more your thing, go there. We’re in all of those spaces.

Of course, you’ll have to decide – if you haven’t already – whether to create a separate online persona or use whatever profile you already have. The decision is yours to make and there’s no right answer. I have separate accounts for vanilla and kink but plenty of people don’t. Word to the wise, if you decide to start your search on Facebook and you create a separate account, be prepared to have it shut down. Facebook doesn’t allow multiple accounts for the same person and they practically force you to use your real name. What this means is that you’ll get shut down and then have to decide if you want to recreate the account under a new name and re-friend everyone or not.

Once you’ve picked the site, and created your account – or made your settings private enough that your grandma can’t see you liking the kinky stuff – it’s time to search out the kinksters. Most of the time, it’s almost too easy. Search for “kink” or “Dominant” or “BDSM” on any site, and you’ll probably find a page, a group, or a person talking about.

Start following people that seem interesting or that seem to have similar interests. On Facebook, the best thing I can tell you to do is to find the groups. Back in the day when I had a kinky Facebook profile (instead of just my page) I was part of a few – BDSM without the BS and a DD/lg group. Be prepared – the bigger the group, the more drama you’ll find. Why? Because people are people, regardless of the flavor of their sex, and someone is always getting offended, misunderstanding a situation, or stirring up problems.

On Twitter, Tumblr, Instagram, and the like, hashtags are a good way to seek people out. On Twitter, I have a list called “Fellow kinksters” – I don’t know everyone personally, but they’re people I’ve identified as kinky to some degree. I’ll link to that list in the show notes for anyone on Twitter to help you.

On Tumblr it’s almost too easy to find kinky people. Google plus has plenty of groups. I know there are kinksters on Instagram and Pinterest, but they’re the two most unforgiving sites when it comes to sex and kink, so there may not be as many to choose from.

So that’s the first thing – start online somewhere. Hell, it can even be the blogosphere. We’re a looser community in the sense that you can’t go to one place and find us all, but when you read a blog by a kinkster you like, follow them, pay attention to what sites they link to and who they recommend, and start commenting when you read something you like or that makes you think. When you do that consistently, you become part of the community, even if you don’t have your own blog.

Now, once you’ve figured out where you’ll start your search, what next?

This is where it gets tricky…

There are some things I’m going to recommend that you NOT do and some things I think you should do. It’s not about kink, so much as it is about human nature and making this a little less stressful.

Let’s start with what I don’t want you to do.

Okay, from the first time you use a hashtag, say you’re a submissive in your profile, or make a single comment on something, you’re now open game for the trolls, wannabes, and assholes. I don’t care what site you’re on, they are always waiting in the wings for the newbies. It’s almost like there’s a red flashing light over your head or something.

Some of y’all already know what I mean – it’s why you asked me this question.

There’s very little you can do to deter them from reaching out to you. Even stating in your profile or on your feed that you don’t want unsolicited direct messages or that you aren’t looking doesn’t stop them. And in this case, you ARE looking.

So when you get the message that says, “Call me Master” or “Can I spank you?” or “Send me a picture of your” fill in the blank with a body part, I only want you to do one thing. Just one.

Delete the damn message.

Don’t engage in conversation. It’s not flirting. It’s predatory. And even when you reply back with an “I don’t appreciate this” message, you’re feeding the troll. They know they have your attention, and they could keep coming at you or turn hostile.

There’s no point. This isn’t someone you want. Do. Not. Engage. Ignore, delete, and move on.

If you feel threatened, scared, or harassed, there’s nothing wrong with blocking and reporting them either.

Before someone asks about appearing impolite, as a submissive looking for a Dominant, please understand something. The Dominant you want will NOT approach you like this. They won’t make demands before they even know who you are. They won’t start ordering you around without your consent. This is not a good Dominant, and you’re looking for a good one.

Okay, so what if the first message was okay, maybe even the second one, and then they go creepy on you. Well, my advice is only slightly different.

When it happens to me, I simply ignore them. If I think I’m talking to someone nice and they turn into an asshole, the conversation is over. If they get really bad, I block them and possibly report them. But I understand human nature too. This might be someone you thought was okay and then they turned out to be an asshole. My opinion is to, at most, reply once. Something scathing. Something that tells them what you really think. I get the need to do it, so I wouldn’t tell you not to.

What I will say is that by even replying one time, you’re feeding the troll, and allowing them to think they can get to you. If you respond to their douche-baggery, only do it once, and if they come back at you, delete the messages, ignore their dumb ass, and move on.

And no, you’re not being rude or disrespectful now, either. The kind of Dom you likely want won’t do that to you. They’ll respect your boundaries. They’ll get to know you first. They will likely engage in light flirting. And if they do something that makes you uncomfortable – and you tell them so – they’ll apologize and won’t do it again.

So in the search for a good Dom – in the online world – the thing I don’t want you to do is respond to the assholes, douches, wannabes, posers, and predators. They aren’t worth your time or attention.

Okay, so you’re ignoring them, what else shouldn’t you do?

Y’all, I’m telling you this, because I’ve seen it happen to John Brownstone – at least every few weeks.

Do not, I repeat, do NOT message a Dominant you don’t know and say something like, “Spank me Daddy!” or “Make me come!” or “Can I be your submissive?”

Thankfully, I’m not a jealous woman, but I promise you, I don’t like it. The good Doms aren’t impressed, and they’ll think (rightly so) that you’re either very uneducated in D/s or you’re desperate. You don’t want them to think either of those things. And if you’re not careful, you’ll do it to someone who’s actually a predator and get yourself into real trouble.

When it happens to John Brownstone, he might send them one message to educate them on how this works. But he might not. Either way, that submissive has made an ass out of herself and she still doesn’t have a Dominant.

What do I think you should do?

Here’s where it gets more difficult for you.

You’ve got the profile. You’ve joined some groups or followed some people. What happens next is completely on you.

I want you to reach out.

It starts simple enough. A genuine comment on a blog post. A response to something shared in a group. A retweet or reblog with a comment about how you feel.

You have to be real. You have to be yourself.

You’ll figure out the people who appear to be good people online. They seem genuine themselves. Do me a favor, if you decide that a Dom might be a good guy, check their profile – make sure they’re not exclusive with someone first. And yes, I know, you can’t always tell.

If you come across a Dom that seems nice and decent, and you find you have common interests – kinky or vanilla, y’all, that part doesn’t matter – it’s okay to send a message or an email and say hi and comment about a conversation you’re both part of in a group or something they posted that you really liked.

Keep it light. Keep it friendly.

Here’s the thing, y’all. What you’re trying to do, in your mission to find a good Dominant, is make friends first. For many of us, we started as friends before we ever moved into the kinky side of things. John Brownstone and I met through our blog right after I’d been dumped. I definitely wasn’t looking for anyone, but I liked him as a person. I emailed him (something that wasn’t my style AT ALL – still isn’t) and thanked him for making me laugh.

We both knew we were kinky, but we were clear that we weren’t necessarily looking. We were friends first and then it developed into something more, to what you hear in this podcast and read on my blog.

Y’all, you WANT your Dominant to be your friend first. You WANT them to earn your trust and to earn theirs first. If you’re looking for a long term D/s relationship, you need to be friends. What we do in kink requires trust and communication – neither of which are easy for many people. And we’ve ALL been burned in relationships – kinky or otherwise.

It’s okay to be the one who reaches out first. I think some Doms prefer it that way. You’ve indicated your interest. You’ve shown you’re strong enough to make a first move – even if that move is in no way sexual or kinky. You’ve given each other the opportunity to get to know the other before making a move that might appear Dominant or submissive.

And y’all, it’s not always going to work. You might send a message to someone on Tumblr or in Facebook and never hear back. They might reply with a one word answer, and you can’t get a conversation going. That’s okay. It’s not a rejection of you. And you don’t want the one you can’t talk to or who doesn’t have anything to say to you. You want someone who’s genuinely interested. Someone who makes you think. Someone who makes you laugh. Someone you can imagine admitting your deepest darkest kinkiest fantasies to – and that person won’t always be the first one you set your sights on.

And yes, even trying some of my suggestions will mean you’ll likely come across a predator – some of them are good at this game and can make you think all kinds of things. Nothing is foolproof.

The biggest tip I can give you in your search for a good partner is to listen to your gut instinct. If something doesn’t feel right about the other person – their words don’t match their attitude, they make you feel uneasy, they say all the right things but the way they treat other people isn’t right – listen to that and walk away.

But instead of wondering where all the good Doms are because you only find the fakes and the assholes, it may be time to try different methods. Do I think my method is the only one? Of course not! And if you’re in a good D/s relationship and met each other in a completely different way, please let us know in the comment section on the show notes page or email me.

But the bottomline is this – there’s no special way to meet a kinkster and find your perfect-for-you-Dom. Yes, go to where the kinky people gather semi-openly (by the way munches are an EXCELLENT place to meet other kinksters), don’t let yourself get sucked into pointless conversations with trolls and fakes, and work at becoming friends with a Dominant before you worry about becoming their submissive. Ultimately, in my view, that’s how you find the good ones.

As always, I want to hear from you. If you think I’m dead wrong or if you found your good kinky partner using these methods or doing something else, share with us so we can all learn!

That’s it for me. Keep it kinky y’all and we’ll see you next week.

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