How to Handle Multiple Roles as a Submissive LB041

In episode 41, Kayla Lords answers a listener’s question – how do you handle the different roles in your life as a submissive, especially when those roles conflict or cause stress?

In this episode:

  • Today’s topic came from a listener who specifically asked about handling the problems and differences that come with being both a submissive and a babygirl.
  • As a submissive, we have a lot of roles that conflict: parent, child, employee, co-worker, etc. We can’t always be our submissive self.
  • When the stress and pressure of not feeling submissive stress us out, fall back on your D/s relationship. Let your Dominant guide you through it and reset you.
  • Single submissives have options for a much needed reset even if they don’t have a Dominant or top to help them out.
  • To the specific question asked, yes, there is a difference between being a submissive and a babygirl (or other kinky personas like pets, littles, etc.).
  • When being babygirl wins over being a submissive – and it results in a failure to complete a task or do something you’ve been expected to do, Dominants need to dole out consequences.
  • You have to give your other persona space to come out and play on a regular basis or, as this babygirl admits, bad things can happen. This is true of anyone, single or in a D/s relationship.

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Full Transcript

You’re listening to Loving BDSM podcast: episode 41. Hey, everybody. Kayla Lords here! This week let’s talk about how submissives can, should, and do handle the different parts of our lives. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this is your first time listening, glad to have you! If you’re back for another week, welcome back! Loving BDSM is produced every Friday for your kinky pleasure and education and show notes are found at Come back often and feel free to add the podcast to your favorite RSS feed or iTunes. If you love what you hear, we’d love a good review on iTunes to help other kinksters find us! You can follow me on Twitter @KaylaLords or stalk John Brownstone at All links are in the show notes.

No, no John Brownstone this week and possibly not next week, either. But don’t worry, I’ll get him back on as soon as I can. Today, I’m taking a question I received from a listener (shout out to tora princess!) and expanding on it a bit because I think all submissives can relate in some form or fashion.

Her original question was about how to handle the two sides of your kinky life if you’re both submissive and a babygirl, as I am and as tora is. It’s a valid question, and I’ll do my best to answer it, but since not everyone is a babygirl or boy, I wanted to talk about it as part of a bigger conversation.

This is me, speaking as a submissive, from my own perspective, but I don’t think I’m alone in this – and no, I won’t try to take on the Dominant’s perspective because when I even mentioned it might be different for submissives, John Brownstone didn’t agree, so I’ll leave that to the expert. But for the Dominants out there, this may be something you want to hear so you understand your submissive a little better and can help them when they need it.

So, as a submissive, for me, it’s an inherent part of who I am. Like having brown eyes or needing glasses. It’s not something I take on and off at will. And I think a lot of submissives can relate. Not all but many.

But the reality is that we can’t always be our submissive selves in a vanilla world.

Yes, I can serve and take care of the people I love or respect – and I do, but sometimes but it’s not in the same spirit and certainly not in the same way as I do with my Daddy.

Think about it.

As a parent, I can’t let my submissive side out – the one that wants to take care of every little detail and certainly not the part of me that acquiesces to demands. First of all, I’d be raising spoiled little brats if I did, and second, as a parent, I have different responsibilities. I also have to use specific tones of voice and expressions that would almost never be okay in my role as a submissive to my Dominant.

As an employee, submissives might want to please their boss – and frankly, I made a lot more sense even as an employee when I realized I was submissive, too – always trying to take on more, do more, make my boss happy. My boss was an authority figure and (thankfully) someone I respected, so I did the best I could – partly for me and my career, partly because it was the right thing to do, and partly because it made my boss happy.

But as a co-worker, we can’t be our submissive selves all the time. Someone would take advantage of that nature. Someone else would consider us weak. And eventually, someone is going to piss us off, and we’re going to (rightly) turn on them and have to tell them what we think.

I can see someone making the argument that when you’re submissive and work with customers, you can be your true self. Ha, then you’ve never worked with customers. I’ve spent a lot of time becoming an authority figure because of badly behaved customers – it’s part of the reason (but certainly not all) of why I quit retail so many years ago. Just like shitty co-workers, customers will walk all over you. Allowing your submissive self out isn’t exactly a good idea.

Some of us may be submissive with our parents, in a people-pleasing, taking care of them kind of way. For me, that’s not going to work. First of all, my mother would ask what the hell was wrong with me and then tell me to leave her alone. How do I know? I spent a week helping her after her surgery earlier this year. Second, while she and I care for each other a great deal, we’re very close, we have a 72 hour rule. After 72 hours together, we need to go to our own corner. Why? Because we’re both Type A people. We like things done a certain way. And we don’t agree on what that way is. No, I’ll take care of my mom, and I’ll serve her when she needs it, but I’m too old to submit to her wishes like I did back in the day.

It shouldn’t come as any surprise that we have different personas we have to take on in any given day that force us to turn down the volume of our submissive self. It doesn’t change who we are or what we need, but the need is (or can be) fulfilled by a Dominant or a top. It’s not something we should get from our kids, our boss, our co-workers, our parents, or anyone else. I’m not saying that we can’t serve those people, even in a submissive frame of mind. I think for most of us who identify as subs, we have an inherent need to take care of the people we care about – and it’s not always going to be in a romantic way.

But at the same time, our responsibility to something greater – like raising our children to be responsible adults – and a sense of self-preservation, like not getting used by people who would take advantage of our giving nature, has to kick in at some point.

Now what that means in your D/s relationship is that a submissive can easily stop feeling their submissive self. Too many hours, days, or months in a role of control or position of authority can and will take a toll. You don’t have to be a high-powered executive for that to happen. After a week of my kids being home all day, I’m a freaking basketcase. The last thing I feel is submissive, and it’s very hard to turn the dial when John Brownstone gets home. Thank God for resets, a Dominant who gets it, and summer camp. That’s all I’m sayin’.

As a submissive, we need to find ways to communicate our needs to our Dominants. We use a code. When I tell him my skin feels too tight (which is how I feel), he knows I need a spanking or really rough sex or something to release the tension. I also need to feel his control over me, be reminded of my place in our relationship, and of who I am.

When you have to go too long without that release and reminder, it can make you behave badly. Temper tantrums, agitation, tears, numbness, forgetting the rules, lack of respect, you name it. I’ve experienced all of that and more.

For my single submissive listeners, especially to the person who asked this very specific question recently, you probably want to know what you’re supposed to do if you don’t have a Dominant who can reset you. And frankly, I wish I had good, clear-cut answers. What you do will come down to your own comfort level, the people you know, and what you’re willing to do.

Back in the day, before I met John Brownstone, I didn’t understand the need for this kind of release, so I didn’t develop habits to overcome the agitation and tightness in my skin, but I did find very temporary fixes…

Masturbation is a stress-reliever in general. I would force my own orgasms until it hurt. The pain, I imagine, was cleansing. And the act of orgasming that much helped me sleep at night. A good night’s sleep brings a lot of things into focus.

Playing online. Now I tell you this with caution. If you find someone to play with on Tumblr or Fetlife or anywhere else online, whether through messaging or Skype, everyone needs to be real clear about the expectations. This person isn’t your Dominant, and it’s a temporary thing. Before Daddy, I had a couple of people I played with online. They said and wrote dirty things. I said and wrote dirty things. I masturbated. I might let them hear me when I did. We’d play at orgasm control. The end result was an orgasm, a temporary feeling of giving up control, and a good night’s sleep. This is NOT a long-term solution, though if you’re truly looking for a Dominant to be part of your life.

My final solution is one that isn’t popular because it’s the scariest one, but I’ve seen it work. Go. To. A. Munch. Meet people in the community. No, at a munch, you’re not going to find a release to your submissive tension, but you might meet someone who could become a play partner in real life. You might get into a conversation with other submissives and get to feel like yourself for a while. Hell, you may even flirt with a Dominant and get the Dom Look for a few moments. That kind of connection with people who are like you can be a balm for the soul, y’all.

When you’re single, finding a way to release the tension that builds when you can’t be your submissive self requires work. The solution, by the way, is NOT to go on a desperate search for a Dominant partner. When it’s a desperate search, you’re not going to find the good ones. Oh, and for anyone wondering how in the hell you do find a Dom, I’ll be doing an episode on that very soon.

Okay, so are we clear? For submissives with Dominants, you need to communicate your tension with your Dom – find a cue or code you can use. Give yourself over to their control and keeping. Let yourself be reset to face another day. For single submissives, give yourself temporary release in fantasy or get out there and meet other people, because you have no idea what you might find when you do.

Now, let me get back to the original question that prompted this whole episode. What do you do when it’s not your submissive life and your vanilla life that are competing but when it’s your submissive self and your babygirl self. I would imagine this applies to anyone who identifies as submissive and anything else like puppies, kittens, littles, and whatever else.

The submissive serves and submits. Does what we’re told. Follows commands. Completes tasks. Shows obedience.

I can’t speak for anyone else or any other type of persona, but babygirl is different. Babygirl does the things a submissive does, for sure. Especially when life is good and easy and everyone’s happy. As a babygirl, I want to please my Daddy as much as I want to please my Dom as a submissive or my sadist as a masochist.

But life isn’t always good. And everyone isn’t always happy. And eventually what I’m supposed to do as a submissive will conflict with what I want to do as a Babygirl. God, that sucks when it happens.

Well, in the early days of our relationship, I had a mental war with myself, and my submissive side didn’t always win. I didn’t realize, at the time, I had this divide within me. All I knew is that I made a poor decision not to do what I’d been told to or to do something I wasn’t supposed to.

Here’s where the D/s kicks in. Daddy is my Dominant above all else, and he’s a good Daddy. When I made an error in judgement, and let the Babygirl side win, there were consequences. Painful consequences. Corner time. No orgasms. Whatever. And through his discipline and the remembered experience, I didn’t make that bad choice again. The next time the babygirl side wanted to conflict with the submissive side, I remembered what could happen, and I did what I was supposed to do.

It’s in those kind of moments, your Dominant has to step up and do their job.

Now, sometimes, and it’s happening more and more often, in times of stress, my babygirl side is strong. Here’s the thing. My submissive side wants to submit and serve but my babygirl side wants to have fun and be taken care of. Like I said before, when everything is good, it’s easy to be both. But when it’s bad, holy hell, it’s really bad.

So when I’m sick or stressed or upset or sad, by default, my babygirl side is in the forefront. I need my Daddy to take care of me. And, he will. He won’t let me do my tasks. He gets me something to drink or my blanket or a spanking, or whatever I need.

But eventually, he’s more Dom than Daddy, and he pushes me. I’m only allowed to wallow so much. Once I’m better and stronger (assuming I was sick) I have to get back into the routine. Sometimes my own submissive nature wants that, too, but a babygirl can be really selfish if left to our devices (it’s not my best trait, I promise you). Again, you have to lean on your D/s relationship to help get you out of it.

For the babygirl or boy out there in their own babygirl frame of mind who’s asking, “But what if I just don’t want to!” I can hear the faint whine in the tone from over here, y’all. Well, all I can say is that if you let your babygirl side win at the wrong time, be prepared to deal with the consequences. And Dominants, if you don’t want a submissive with a spoiled, selfish babygirl side (in a bad way, I mean), it’s up to you to enforce rules and dole out discipline.

From my own experience, I can tell you that if I have to keep my babygirl side bottled up too much because of life, parenting, stress, and all the rest, it will explode out of me at the worst times and make it harder to choose between being a good submissive or my babygirl self. So you’re better off creating space in your day or routine to allow the babygirl side of you out. Whether it’s certain rituals, certain shows, a bedtime routine, it doesn’t matter. Find what works for you, and give yourself a babygirl fix when you can.

And for my single submissive friends who have that side as well, you can do that too, you know. Color. Watch Disney movies. Wear certain clothes. Whatever it is that lets you tap into that part of yourself. You don’t need a Dominant to that, y’all.

Can you be both submissive and babygirl? Of course you can, but you have to realize that the two sides won’t always be in sync. When that happens, fall back on your D/s relationship – or for single submissives, find ways to get the release you need, even temporarily.

Okay, that’s it for me this week.

Keep it kinky, y’all, and we’ll see you next week.

4 Responses

  1. Ellie says:

    So you see Baby girl as distinct from Little? Can you explain the difference, please?

    • Kayla Lords says:

      Since this was back in episode 41, I’ve likely evolved my thinking from what I said originally, as I currently see babygirl on the spectrum of littleness but it’s definitely different (for me) than being a “little.” For me, being a babygirl is less about what I physically do or what I physically need (from actual items to the way I’m treated) and it’s about a state of mind. As a babygirl, I don’t identify with an age OR an age range. But yes, I giggle, tear-up, pout, and even whine (all characteristics that are often associated with littles, as well). And yes, I need “taking care of” like many littles do, but not necessarily with rules or the other structure that some littles need. It’s a highly personalized label and definition, and others will, can, and should see it differently. But it’s only just recently that I’ve embraced the idea of a spectrum, so all kinds of labels and behaviors could be called “little” (if that’s what people want to call it) but it’s all about varying degrees.

      • Ellie says:

        Thank you for such a thoughtful response! I am definitely some type of little, although I have no interest in diapers or pacifiers, and haven’t specified an age that I regress to. It is all pretty new to me but I am having a great time exploring. I am doing your 30 Days program, and it is really helpful to have some new questions to think about each day. I like your writing style, too. You are just the right mix of serious and playful!

  1. June 11, 2018

    […] “role” within the relationship is no different than my “role” as a parent. It’s not something I turn off and turn on. It’s a part of who I am, even when […]

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