The Loving BDSM Podcast

Effective Communication in Your D/s Relationship LB040

After a week away, Kayla Lords and John Brownstone are back with a big topic. Episode 40 goes over tips and advice on how to effectively communicate in your D/s relationship.

In this episode:

  • Thanks to a fellow podcaster’s recommendation, a new mic was found, installed, and is working just fine!
  • The decision to not produce a show until the mic could be replaced wasn’t easy – we missed everyone! But recording a bad sounding show wasn’t an option either.
  • This week’s show is about talking to one another – during conflict, when you’re teasing, and when you have important things to share.
  • Not everything that can (or should) be said can be contained within one show, but this is a good place to start.
  • Kinksters tend to be sarcastic. Sarcastic submissives have to balance their natural tendencies with respect for their Dominants.
  • Teasing works in some D/s relationships but always with respect.
  • If you continue communicating like you did in past failed vanilla relationships, it could hurt your D/s relationship.
  • Screaming, slammed doors, and silence aren’t effective.
  • Dominants who shout in anger tend to be viewed as out of control.
  • When a problem comes up and one or both partners are angry, it’s best to take time – an hour, a day – to calm down before discussing the problem.
  • When in doubt, write down your feelings.
  • Learn how to listen – which doesn’t mean letting someone talk and simultaneously thinking about your own response. Lean in, make eye contact, ask questions, nod your head – these are all indications that you’re actively listening to your partner.
  • Learn how to say what you feel. Dominants may be hesitant to talk about feelings or concerns because they believe they’re supposed to be strong. Submissives may not talk for fear of judgement.
  • Watch your body language when your partner tells you something new to you. Making faces or noises of disgust, crossing your arms, and other signs could cause your partner to shut down.
  • You don’t have to be good at communicating with each other – yet. You only have to be willing to try.
  • Apologize when you are disrespectful, shout, or don’t give your partner room to say what they need to say.
  • If you’re in a D/s relationship with someone who refuses to talk, listen, or even try to communicate with you, you need to rethink your relationship. Growth occurs when you both talk to one another – about good and bad and everything in between.
  • Get comfortable being silent in each other’s presence. You don’t always have to talk, but when you know ideas and questions are encouraged and welcomed, that silence can present opportunities to have big conversations.
  • We want to hear your thoughts and ideas about effectively communicating in a D/s relationship. Contact us and share!

Links from the show:

Life on the Swingset podcast

What Negotiations Can Sound Like (Episode 14)

Follow Kayla on Twitter

Stalk John Brownstone

Contact Kayla Lords

Contact John Brownstone


  1. What if you can’t take a break to cool off because if you’re alone with those feelings you go into a spiral and feel worse and worse?

    • Kayla Lords

      October 4, 2017 at 2:42 pm

      ((HUGS)) I am so sorry that’s happening to you. Once the spiral stops or gets better (sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn’t) talk to someone – your partner, if they’re a safe option; a trusted friend; maybe even a therapist if that’s available to you. ((HUGS))

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