In episode 38, Kayla Lords discusses what submissives and Dominants can do when vanilla life gets in the way and reminds everyone just how normal it is. Everyone has experienced some level of outside interference on their kinky fuckery.

In this episode:

  • It’s been a long week and few months with not a lot of kinky fuckery.
  • The panic attack during sex didn’t help.
  • Sometimes vanilla life knocks you down and D/s takes a back seat. It’s normal.
  • Not doing as many kinky things doesn’t make you less D/s.
  • Sometimes the smallest things can have a big impact.
  • Staying mindful of who and what you are will help you remember what D/s feels like even when life gets crazy.
  • Dominants may have specific tones and looks, but so do submissives. Use them.
  • More tasks aren’t always the answer for a submissive. Sometimes we just need someone to tell us what to do.
  • If you care enough to worry whether you’re still D/s when you can’t be kinky, you probably care enough to make sure you don’t get stuck for too long in vanilla life.

Links from the show:

Three in the Morning

It Wasn’t Music To His Ears

How to Reconnect in Your D/s Relationship (Episode 28)

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Full Transcript:

You’re listening to Loving BDSM podcast: episode 38. Hey, everybody. Kayla Lords here. This week I’m talking about how vanilla life can get in the way of your D/s and reminding everyone, including myself, not to freak out when that happens. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this is your first time listening, glad to have you! If you’re back for another week, welcome back! Loving BDSM is produced every Friday for your kinky pleasure and education and show notes are found at kaylalords.com. Come back often and feel free to add the podcast to your favorite RSS feed or iTunes. If you love what you hear, we’d love a good review on iTunes to help other kinksters find us! You can follow me on Twitter @KaylaLords or stalk John Brownstone at southernsirsplace.com. All links are in the show notes.

It’s been a long week in this kinky corner of the world…and none of it’s been kinky! Well, that’s not true. Wednesday night, John Brownstone got a wild hair up his ass and initiated the longest session of rough sex we’ve had in a while. It felt good and we were both sweaty puddles of satisfaction at the end, although I was VERY sore at the end.

But it’s been more than just a long week. It’s been a long month or two. Not because there’s anything wrong, but because regular, plain old vanilla life interferes a LOT. And I figured it was time to talk about that a little more because I know what goes through people’s minds when they’re new to all this and the kinky fuckery slows down.

You wonder if you’re not really D/s enough because it’s been weeks since the last scene.

You wonder if you can make D/s work when kids, jobs, and other responsibilities get in the way.

You wonder why everyone online – or at least all the air-brushed models you see – seems to be having so much kinky fun, and you barely have time to kiss each other on the cheek.

I get it. No really. This has been our reality for a while.

And it’s not just the stuff of vanilla life that affects things.

I had a panic attack during sex last week. A panic attack! Poor Daddy was all set to fuck the hell out of me, and I started shaking and crying. That was the end of that. All he could do was hold me and try to soothe me.

It took a day or two, but we figured it out. At least I think we did. Since we got engaged, our bad tapes have been playing from our previous marriages. Bad tapes, for anyone who’s new, are those old experiences and memories that come back to haunt you when you’re with someone new. You expect a situation, reaction, or person to be like what you remember with someone else. It affects how you react to them, how you handle situations, and what you think is going to happen.

So, my panic attack (and I) was triggered (and no, I don’t use that word lightly) because I’d had very low libido for several days. Like non-existent libido. Please don’t touch me, low libido. When Daddy tried to pull me out of it, I was reminded of when my ex-husband would try to get me interested in sex – and I had almost zero libido for most of my marriage. That remembered feeling, which was awful in it’s intensity – imagine electricity running through your erogenous zones, but not in the sexy, good way – a painful way – made me remember my ex-husband, my marriage, and all the awful things that went along with it. Cue hyperventilation, tears, and shaking. It was awful, y’all.

Poor Daddy didn’t really know what to do with me for a few days after that. He eased up on some of my tasks. He asked for very little of me. We’d already spent several days before that moment barely having sex, and then we spent days after baring touching one another.

Did all of that make us any less a D/s couple living the 24/7 life? Of course not!

And that’s my point.

Vanilla life is going to knock you down sometimes and the kinky, erotic fun of your D/s relationship will absolutely take a back seat – and yes, that sucks sometimes.

D/s isn’t about sex, y’all. It’s about a power exchange. So yes, some of us exchange that power most frequently and obviously in the bedroom during kinky sex, and if that’s the only way you express your D/s relationship, well, then yeah, it’s going to suffer big time when vanilla life interferes.

But for those of us who experience D/s outside of sex, you can still be D/s when work makes you take an extra shift or throws a big project at you or when some kid is puking while the other one has a fever.

I’ve talked about that before, on the show and in writing. It’s the little things you do that keep you D/s even when you can’t show it in bigger, more obvious ways.

And let’s be real, here, as a submissive, even when I’m doing my tasks (because I’m trying to be a good girl, because it helps me feel quote normal, and/or because I don’t want to get in trouble), I don’t always feel my most submissive.

That’s okay, y’all. It really is.

There’s a difference between struggling against submission – or Dominance – because it’s not a natural fit and you’re trying to be something you’re not and when your D/s takes a nose dive because the vanilla world is making so many demands on you that you can barely keep up with your vanilla responsibilities, let alone your D/s responsibilities.

If you’re experiencing the first one, you need to have an honest talk with yourself and your partner. But if it’s the second one, and in a lot of cases it probably is, I’m gonna need you to calm down. It’s okay. This is normal. It won’t always be like this.

And with a certain amount of determination, focus, and mindfulness, you can find little moments of time to feel more D/s again. Sometimes it’s the three in the morning fuck (true story, yes, I’ll share the link). Sometimes it’s the wild as hell sex that makes a certain babygirl’s pussy sore as hell. Sometimes it’s in the tone of voice you use with one another or the looks you give.

We talk about a Dominant’s tone of voice or look – and to my Dominant friends out there, it really is powerful. I’ve felt my body react when another Dom (not John Brownstone) has used the voice or look with their own submissive. It wasn’t even directed at me but I was ready to do whatever they wanted. But submissive’s have tones and looks too, y’all.

I can’t speak for every submissive but for me, my tone softens. I’m less sharp and harsh. I look down a lot – it’s hard to maintain eye contact with John Brownstone or even a Dominant I respect when I’m feeling submissive.

When life has been nuts, like right now while Daddy and I are building a backyard patio that’s taking every single freaking weekend or when I’m knee deep in work, barely remembering to cook dinner, and only sleeping a few hours a night, we may find a second to just look at one another and remind the other of what we are. Submissives, you don’t always have to wait for your Dominant to do it. If you know you have a certain tone or look that shows your submissive nature, use it – even if all you have is the 30 seconds it takes to whisper, “Yes, Sir” or “Yes, Ma’am” or whatever. It’s a connection. A reminder in the middle of the craziness.

I think we all know vanilla life interferes. But I don’t think we all realize that it happens to everyone. When it goes on for too long – something only you can define for yourself – you may need to take matters into your own hands to get yourself back to a D/s center. But just because you have to let the non-kinky part of your life take center stage doesn’t make you any less Dominant or submissive.

There are tricks and methods to feel more Dominant or submissive in the middle of the craziness.

Submissives, do the tasks you’ve been assigned as much as you can. At least ask before you skip them. The asking alone may help you feel more yourself.

Dominants, don’t pile more tasks on your submissive when they’re in the middle of a vanilla shit storm but speaking as a submissive, sometimes, in the quiet moments, what I need is a firm hand – even if it’s being told to go to bed and get some sleep, or to stop working for the day. It’s not a “task” so much as doing what my Dominant wants – that is also good for me, too.

But if you find that you can’t give any more orders or do any more tasks while you’re dealing with whatever – and yes, sometimes it’s as simple as the back-breaking labor of building a damn patio – cut yourself some slack, forgive yourself, and don’t freak out. If you care enough to worry about whether you’re D/s enough or not, you care enough to pull yourself out of it if it goes on too long. Just be mindful of who you are to one another, use small things to keep that feeling going, and wait out the vanilla craziness. It will pass, and then you’ll get some breathing room before the next wave of craziness rolls through.

That’s it for me this week. Hopefully our crazy vanilla life will calm down a little and we’ll get more kinky fuckery in our life sooner rather than later. I want to thank everyone who supports me and this podcast on Patreon and in other ways, including the encouraging messages in email, on Facebook, Fetlife, and other places. I couldn’t do all of this without you.

Keep it kinky, y’all, and we’ll see you next week.