Welcome to episode 25 of the Loving BDSM podcast. This week’s show is hosted by Kayla Lords, and she’s discussing disagreements and arguments in D/s relationships.
In this episode:
- Arguments and disagreements are completely normal.
- It doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed.
- It doesn’t mean you’re not a good submissive or a good Dominant.
- Kayla believes there are three “truths” to most arguments in a D/s relationship.
- 24/7 D/s relationships will likely handle their arguments and disagreements much differently than bedroom only D/s and even Master/slave relationships.
- Both submissives and Dominants will react differently to arguments and disagreements. The key is communication.
- If something doesn’t work for you in your D/s relationship, you need to talk about it with each other.
Links from the show:
You’re listening to Loving BDSM podcast: episode 25. Hey, everybody. Kayla Lords here. Today let’s discuss arguments in a D/s relationship. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this is your first time listening, glad to have you! If you’re back for another week, welcome back! Loving BDSM is produced every Friday for your kinky pleasure and education and show notes are found at kaylalords.com. Come back often and feel free to add the podcast to your favorite RSS feed or iTunes. If you love what you hear, we’d love a good review on iTunes to help other kinksters find us! You can follow me on Twitter @KaylaLords or stalk John Brownstone at southernsirsplace.com. All links are in the show notes.
Quick announcement: I’ve set up a page on Patreon to allow anyone who can and wants to to help support this podcast and my kinky writings. You can pay as little as one dollar a month to help keep this thing John Brownstone and I are doing here going. Ultimately I want to keep all of my content available for free and even become ad-free. Your support will help me do that. The link is in this show notes or go to www dot patreon dot com slash Kayla Lords. I even added a video of me begging for your help. If nothing else, go check me out on video and get proof that I’m a real live person.
Now, on to the show.
The other day John Brownstone and I got into a heated discussion that bordered on an argument. He shut me down with a word or two, and while my babygirl feelings were a little hurt – don’t worry, we talked it out later – I also realized it’s nothing that happens very often or that is talked about much.
Arguments in a D/s relationship are perfectly normal. I know in some relationships they’re rare – like my own – but they definitely happen.
So let’s get that out of the way – yes, you can get into an argument with one another even if you’re D/s. No, it doesn’t automatically mean your relationship is doomed or that you’re failing at D/s.
Submissives aren’t robots. We have thoughts, emotions, and opinions. And sometimes they aren’t going to line up perfectly with our Dominant’s thoughts, emotions, and opinions.
For the submissive’s out there, no you’re not a freak if you get into a fight with your Dom. For the Dominants, yes it’s normal and it doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve lost control or your submissive isn’t a quote real submissive.
It takes much more than the occasional argument to spell trouble for any relationship and that’s a different conversation for another day (ohhh, topic idea!). Today, I’m referring to everyday normal old arguments.
What I do think is unique – or can be unique – to a D/s relationship is how arguments are handled. I have to imagine that if you do D/s as bedroom only that this won’t necessarily ring true, but God knows I could be wrong. From my perspective, 24/7 lends itself to certain truths about arguments:
One – arguments can and will occur, even if they don’t sound like what you’re used to.
Two – when a Dominant says, “Stop” or “This is over” how a submissive reacts comes down to trust and possibly obedience.
Three – when everyone is calm, a submissive’s viewpoint should be allowed to be heard, even if the outcome of the discussion doesn’t change.
Okay, so what do those quote truths looks like?
John Brownstone and I had our first fight over money. Ugh, the money fight – it’s definitely not unique to anyone flavor of relationship. We were both saying the same thing – let’s save our money, plan for the things we want, and move slowly. But we were saying it differently. I was willing to do all of that but I wanted assurances that, if possible, we wouldn’t have to be so strict about it. He was concerned that my need for an easing of the restrictions meant I was going to go nuts with the money and send us both to the poorhouse.
Basically, we weren’t communicating very well with one another – which in all honesty is at the root of most of the arguments any of us have in any relationship. By the end, I was crying and on the verge of yelling, and he was losing patience.
He went into full Dom mode (light on the Daddy part) and in a firm (my babygirl self would say mean) voice told me to stop talking and that the discussion was over.
We had worked ourselves up and stressed ourselves out with no real solution – in that case, there wasn’t one because we essentially agreed on the outcome just not on the process of dealing with our money. But it could have been about anything – where to eat, what to buy, who’s family to visit at Christmas.
Because of the nature of our relationship, because I’m willing to submit to him in all facets of our personal life, when he said to stop talking and to give him a moment to himself, if I’d done anything different, I wouldn’t have been honoring my agreement and obedience as his submissive.
I won’t lie to you. It wasn’t easy. It still isn’t when it happens. I’m wired to want to keep hammering away at my point until I wear the other person down. In more vanilla encounters, they’ll either walk away or agree with me to get me to shut up.
It doesn’t work that way in D/s. The Dominant is The Decider. If the conversation is over, it’s over. My trust in him is what allows me to stay obedient. I have consented to his control and sometimes that control comes in the form of “No” and “stop” and “I don’t like what you’re doing.”
That kind of control isn’t for everyone, and that’s okay, too. When we think of D/s – especially 24/7 – most people think of all the kinky sex and the titles and maybe even collars. It’s supposed to be about kneeling and desire and physical release. And it is all of that.
But there are also differing opinions, disagreements, and raised voices. It’s just the nature of people interacting with one another. We aren’t always going to agree. I have enough faith in him to know that the decisions he makes are done with the best intentions and that he’s not going to do anything to purposefully harm me, so not getting my way in an argument isn’t going to be the end of the world and, in the long run, will probably work out for the best.
He’s humble and honest enough to admit when his way didn’t work and to try something different, even if he didn’t completely agree with me in our original discussion. Knowing he can and will do this makes it easier to submit when he abruptly ends an argument or makes a decision I don’t agree with.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m going to want to talk about it later – when we’re both calm and have a bit of perspective on the situation. If my feelings were hurt, I need to let him know. Not that I expect apologies, but I need to know I shared my feelings and didn’t let them fester. Sometimes, he does apologize – for making me feel bad, not for his decision. Sometimes, like the most recent argument, he points out where I was wrong, and I apologize.
We’re all different. So some submissives aren’t going to acquiesce easily. And others will. Some will be afraid to speak up when they disagree and others won’t. Some don’t share their opinions easily and others will let you know what they think about any and every situation.
I’m not even going to try and tell you how to handle your arguments. The big stuff may be too big to allow your dynamic to lead, and in other cases, it may be your dynamic that gets you through the worst fights. We all have to find our own path and our method.
What I will say is that arguments are normal, and if you have the kind of relationship where the Dominant gets the final say, be prepared to have that tested. It’s not going to be easy, and sometimes a Dominant has to come back and admit they were wrong. To me, that builds trust. Admitting when you were wrong means you don’t think you’re perfect. It also lets me know you might listen to me the next time a similar argument comes up.
No matter how well you prepare – through negotiation and communication – for how you’ll handle disagreements, the first one is going to throw you off. Tears (from me) and slammed doors (from him) are what I remember most about our first argument.
But I also remember talking it out, me learning to accept his decision because I’d consented to that level of power exchange, and then, of course, making up is the best part.
If you start out with the dynamic of the Dominant having full control over everything and find that it’s too difficult or one or both of you are uncomfortable in those roles, you should talk it out and renegotiate something that works best for both of you. But don’t let one disagreement or fight scare you off, either. Every part of D/s – good and bad – require time to find the right fit and what works for everyone involved.
Keep it kinky y’all and we’ll see you next week.