Finding the Right D/s Partner for You LB023

Kayla Lords hosts episode 23 and discusses a topic on the mind of most single kinky people: how do I find the right Dominant or submissive for me?

In this episode:

  • Sponsorships are available for the show. Contact Kayla directly for details.
  • As with most episodes, this came from real conversations she’s had with fellow kinksters.
  • There is no step-by-step list on how to pick the perfect partner in a kinky relationship.
  • Some people start on specific websites: Fetlife, CollarMe, Adult Friend Finder – and they keep finding only duds.
  • Instead of looking someone who uses the label you prefer (Daddy, babygirl, kitten, etc.), look for a person you have a genuine connection with.
  • Two schools of thought: find the person without knowing their kinky preferences or look for people who identify as kinky. Kayla prefers to look among people who already know they’re kinky.
  • Only choosing based on the title or label someone uses for themselves eliminates potentially great partners.
  • You might miss out on people who have something new to teach you.
  • Instead of finding the person to fit your ideal relationship dynamic, find the relationship dynamic that fits you and the person you have a connection with.
  • The right person could bring out parts of yourself you didn’t even know existed.
  • Kayla shares the differences between her first D/s relationship and the one she has with John Brownstone.
  • The Daddy/babygirl dynamic wasn’t even a consideration when John and Kayla first met. They grew into it together.
  • Try not to be too rigid in what you think you want or the kind of kinkster you think you’ll always be. People and situations change.
  • When you begin discussing your kinks – once you figure out if there’s a real connection – you might be surprised at what you learn, about them and yourself.
  • A healthy D/s relationship and the ability to find the dynamic that works best for you requires trust.
  • When you connect with someone on a deep level, you can be vulnerable with them. You never know what will come of that.
  • Kayla describes how she found her babygirl side and how their dynamic shifted.
  • Forget the labels we give ourselves and focus on the person. Be with a person who makes you feel all kinds of good things.

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Full Transcript:

You’re listening to Loving BDSM podcast: episode 23. Hey, everybody. Kayla Lords here. Today let’s talk about finding the right D/s partner for you. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this is your first time listening, glad to have you! If you’re back for another week, welcome back! Loving BDSM is produced every Friday for your kinky pleasure and education and show notes are found at Come back often and feel free to add the podcast to your favorite RSS feed or iTunes. If you love what you hear, we’d love a good review on iTunes to help other kinksters find us! You can follow me on Twitter @KaylaLords or stalk John Brownstone at All links are in the show notes.

Does your business cater to the kinky – with toys, videos, products, or services? You should sponsor the Loving BDSM podcast. Contact me, Kayla Lords, to learn more. On with the show.

I love it when things just sort of happen, and I think, “Ya know, this would be good to talk about on the show.”

A few weeks ago, I had a conversation with a fellow babygirl who’s been having trouble finding a Daddy – and she knows that’s what she needs. Then the other day, I got an email from a new Dominant who knows he’s the nurturing, caring kind but only finds submissives who want something a little more hardcore than he’s comfortable with – but he’s really unsure about littles and babygirls.

Before anyone says I should have set these two up, oh hell no, I don’t get involved with that kind of thing. But the things I told them both were so similar, I knew someone else out there in the kinky world might need to hear it too. So here goes…

If anyone is expecting me to give you a list of steps to find the exact perfect partner who loves all the kinks you do and will be the babygirl to your Daddy or the Sir to your pet or the Schmoopsy to your Snookums (okay, maybe I made that last one up), think again. I wish I could give you that kind of information, because we all want to believe there’s a “right” way to go about picking out the perfect kinky partner.

Well, guess what, y’all? There isn’t.

So, I know some of you go on Fetlife or Collar Me or Adult Friend Finder and you use titles and preferences and other factors to find your exactly right person based on what you think you want and/or need.

And you’re still alone and on top of that, you’re getting lied to, used, ghosted, ignored, fucked and done, and you’re starting to believe that all Dominants are entitled assholes or that all submissives just want someone to tell them what to do without having to contribute. Or something like that.

Here’s where I think you’re going wrong, and it’s the number one thing I tell people when we talk about finding your kinky One: look for a person you like, you connect with, who makes you laugh, who intrigues you. Don’t look for the title first. The title is meaningless until you want to be with that person.

Now, for my single kinky friends, I know some people will tell you not to even worry about whether someone is into BDSM or not. I can’t tell you that. When I met John Brownstone it was fully with the knowledge that the only men I wanted to meet – in a sexual, possible relationship kind of way – were Dominant men. For me, I wanted someone with enough experience to know he was Dominant – even if he wasn’t sure what that meant between the two of us. You may be in that camp of find the person, then introduce the kink. I’m in the, find the kinky person and see if there’s a connection.

Why do I think that’s important?

A few reasons.

You don’t know everything you like in the world of BDSM until you start trying it. So while you think today that you want a stern Dominant who never smiles (have fun with that one), you may find that you enjoy a teasing, nurturing type of Dominance. Maybe you want a bedroom submissive, until you discover 24/7 or Master/slave.

Instead of finding the person to fit your ideal relationship dynamic, I think you need to find the relationship dynamic that fits you and the person you have a connection with.

That doesn’t mean you’re not always a Daddy or always a kitten or whatever. It just means that with each person you meet, you may find a different side of yourself responding to them.

In my first D/s relationship, I was pet. He was Sir. It was a fairly strict relationship – which I enjoyed – and he was a swift disciplinarian, even over the phone. I gave him control over my diet and once got corner time because I took a quick lick of peanut butter while making my kids a sandwich. Sounds harsh? It was, but it helped me, and, truth be told, I was turned on – even though I really hate corner time.

When I met John, neither of us could imagine him being a “Daddy” – but here we are, three years later, very firmly Daddy and babygirl.

I don’t think there’s a place for rigid thinking in kink. People change. Preferences change. Circumstances change. That means the title you have or the dynamic you prefer can (and probably will) change.

So when it comes to finding a D/s partner, go ahead and make sure they’re into kink – it certainly makes explaining your sexual preferences less awkward – but don’t worry about their title – Sir, Master, Daddy or whatever. Instead, think about the butterflies in your stomach when you see them across the room. Think about the way you can’t stop smiling when you hear their name, see their number on the caller ID, or talk about them.

Once you find the person you like enough to want to spend time with and even consider being kinky with, then start thinking about how this dynamic between you will work.

You may find that most of your kinks line up with few adjustments.

You may find that they like something you never considered before. If it’s not within your hard limits, I encourage you to try it at least once before deciding whether you like it or not.

You might find that they want things you’re not ready to give. The D/s dynamic comes down to trust. Yes, yes, it’s about communication too, but from communication, honesty, and integrity, trust is formed. Once they’ve earned your trust, you may be more willing to try new things or show sides of yourself you’ve kept hidden away most of your life.

Let me give you an example. While I am clearly, firmly, definitely all babygirl, the whole world doesn’t see it. Being babygirl isn’t a kink – this isn’t about screaming out, “Fuck me harder, Big Daddy” – although I have said that before – or being his “naughty little girl” – which I have been.

Being babygirl means I laugh, giggle, tease, make jokes, wiggle my ass, and am just freaking playful as hell. Until I get upset, and then it’s the teary-eyed, someone please take care of me, I’m going to stomp and pout when I’m mad side. The tearful side isn’t something I ever show in public – I couldn’t in the corporate world, and hell, as a parent, children are like wolves – they can smell weakness a mile away. On the flip side, I’m fairly reserved in public, especially when I don’t know people. A polite small and an attempt to get out of small talk might be all you ever see. Certainly not the giggly, wiggly girl who can’t stop cracking jokes or who’s eyes sparkle when she’s feeling mischievous (or so I’ve been told).

Now that’s just me, and one way of being vulnerable – and protecting that vulnerability from the outside world. For John Brownstone to ever bring out my babygirl side, I had to trust him completely and feel safe with him. I had to know he accepted all of me before I could even admit that side of myself to ME, let alone him.

We all have vulnerabilities. What I’m saying is that you have no idea what kind of Dominant or submissive you might be in a long-term relationship until you meet the person who makes you feel safe and earns your trust. The person you can let your guard down with and be completely yourself.

Which, by the way, is as scary as it sounds, and a lot of people never let themselves get to that place. Which is why, in my opinion, even kinksters who know all the right things to do and say in a D/s relationship, can end up unsatisfied. We bare our souls in this dynamic in a way we can’t/won’t/ or aren’t willing to in a more vanilla relationship. But if you can’t find the person that gives you the freedom to do that – or makes you feel like you have the freedom to do that – ultimately, you’ll either have a so-so relationship or things will end, and you’ll be back to trying to find your “perfect” Dominant or “perfect” submissive, never realizing you need to find the right person for you so you can create your perfect D/s dynamic – whatever that may look like.

What you think you want in a D/s relationship or what worked for you in past relationships is a great starting point for figuring out a new relationship but it always comes down to the person in front of you, experiencing this relationship with you.

It’s okay if your kinks don’t match up perfectly. It’s okay if you prefer different types of dynamics. If the connection exists between you, you might be able to find some middle ground, or hell, create your own completely unique to you dynamic. Master and kitten? Mistress and babyboy? Hell, I don’t know.

The labels we give ourselves should be the starting point of discovering ourselves and each other in the world of BDSM, not the end point. To me, it’s not about what you call yourself – it’s about what you’re called by the person who you care about the most. Maybe you think you’re a Daddy, but when you hear “Master,” you get rock hard. Maybe you think you’re Babygirl, until you hear “Kitten.”

Forget the labels and titles. Start with the person and go from there.

As you can see, I’m back to my old ranting, fighting form. The cold I had for two weeks was actually a sinus infection. Thank God for antibiotics! Anyway, that’s it for me this week.

Keep it kinky, y’all, and we’ll see you next week.


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