Don’t Put Your Dominant on a Pedestal LB020

Kayla Lords hosts this week’s show, and she’s discussing the very real truth that Dominants are (gasp!) not perfect, prone to normal human flaws, and shouldn’t be put up on a pedestal by submissives – no matter how great a Dominant they may be.

In this episode:

  • Kayla was reminded just how perfectly imperfect John Brownstone is and shares her silly teasing.
  • Dominants are people and will do things that don’t always seem “Dominant” – very vanilla, normal things.
  • John Brownstone is an amazing man and Dominant, but he’s not perfect.
  • When a submissive puts their Dominant up on a pedestal and believes they can do no wrong, the only place for a Dominant to go is down.
  • One problem with pedestals is that submissives are devastated the first time their Dominant makes a big mistake, thinking that somehow their Dominant is “less than perfect” for the first time.
  • The second problem is that some submissives will allow the uneducated or the really bad Dominants to get away with bad behavior because they (falsely) believe their Dominants can do no wrong.
  • Kayla has three tips for preventing the pedestal situation: time and experience, communication (and lots of it), and plenty of humor. Learn to laugh at their very human frailties.
  • John Brownstone is the perfect Dominant for Kayla without the need for a pedestal, even with the mistakes, oops, and uh-ohs in their relationship. A good Dominant can be perfect for you without being a perfect person.

Sponsorships are available for any kinky or erotic businesses looking to reach a new audience. Contact Kayla for more details and rates.

Topic suggestions and questions are always welcome from listeners. Contact Kayla or John, and you’ll receive a personal response. If your question or suggestion is used in an upcoming episode, your anonymity is guaranteed.

Listen on YouTube:

Full Transcript:

You’re listening to Loving BDSM podcast: episode 20. Hey, everybody. Kayla Lords here discussing Dominants and the pedestals we submissives put them on! Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this is your first time listening, glad to have you! If you’re back for another week, welcome back! Loving BDSM is produced every Friday for your kinky pleasure and education and show notes are found at Come back often and feel free to add the podcast to your favorite RSS feed or iTunes. If you love what you hear, we’d love a good review on iTunes to help other kinksters find us! You can follow me on Twitter @KaylaLords or stalk John Brownstone at All links are in the show notes.

A reminder for any kinky, sexy, or erotic business types out there – sponsorships are available. Since we’re still a baby podcast, rates are reasonable. Contact me at kayla lords at gmail dot com for information.

I have a confession to make. I told John Brownstone, my sweet and sadistic Daddy, that sometimes he was more vanilla than a vanilla bean.

I thought it was funny. I think he was a little horrified. Okay, it was really freaking funny.

He’d done what I consider a stereotypically man thing. He’d let his attention wander while we were talking, and when I asked him a question in course of the conversation, all I got back was a “Huh?”

If this happened on a more regular basis, I’d probably be annoyed by it. But it made me laugh because it was so stereotypical and a little unlike him. Only a little.

It was also a good reminder that no matter how kinky we are or we want to be, some things prevail. Like not listening when someone talks to you. Getting distracted and wandering off. Or, my favorite that is definitely a “man” stereotype – not being able to do multiple things at once. Daddy will admit it – he can’t multi-task, and he’s not going to try. Me? I don’t know how to do one thing at a time. I’m wired to multi-task – it helps me get it all done and be as efficient as possible. Plus, as a parent, if I didn’t learn how to shove a bottle at a baby while pouring apple juice in a sippy cup and still take a phone call, those early years would have been hell.

Anyway, what’s that got to do with anything?

It reminded me that submissives, especially when we find a Dominant we care for a great deal – even if they aren’t our forever-Dominant – will put them up on pedestals. They can do no wrong. They’re perfect. Every word they say is divine and right and and

And bullshit.

Yes, John Brownstone is the best person to enter my life. He’s the love of my life. He’s the only man I can imagine being this vulnerable with.

But he’s not perfect. (And I can imagine the pretend look of shock he’ll get when he hears me say this.)

You’re not perfect, and neither is your Dominant.

Accepting that now is going to save you a lot of heartache down the road.

Dominants are people, first and foremost. They screw up. They make mistakes. They fart. (Ha!)

When a submissive puts a Dominant on that pedestal, no matter how deserving they may seem, the only place to go is down.

The first major mistake – like not hearing your safeword or telling a lie (because it happens, even when we think we won’t) – hurts doubly. First, for the mistake that happened – whether human error or not. Second because we have to face the reality that our Dominant isn’t perfect.

The other danger, which can be truly dangerous, is that you’ll forgive them when you shouldn’t. Some Dominants are good people with a lot to learn. And others are assholes who shouldn’t be allowed to be in charge of a teddy bear let alone a human being. If you decide that your Dominant can do no wrong and you accept whatever they tell you or do to you, even when it doesn’t feel right, causes bodily harm, messes with your sense of self, or damages you emotionally – now we’re in a danger zone. Danger, Will Robinson, danger!

In that moment, you’ve falsely put them on a pedestal they never deserved in the first place. And it’s your health – emotional and physical – that are threatened.

How do you prevent the pedestal thing?

Part of its time and experience. I know I put my first Dominant on one. He wasn’t perfect, and I’m sure there were issues I didn’t even know about while we were together, but when he did the human thing of running from a relationship he didn’t want, I was devastated on a few levels. Sure, there was the loss of the relationship, but there was this sense of having been tricked. He wasn’t the man I thought he was. Part of that was because I refused to accept (during our relationship) that he wasn’t perfect – in general and for me.

The other part comes with communication. When something doesn’t seem right, you have a responsibility as a submissive to say something. Whether that’s using your safeword because you’re in pain – the bad kind – or you’re scared and unsure. Or maybe it’s bringing up issues that are bothering you or things you don’t understand.

It’s okay to question your Dominant’s motives. And by that, I mean asking why they assign the tasks they do or ask you to do certain things or deny certain pleasures. They should be willing to help you understand so that you gain a certain comfort level with what’s happening to you. Giving you the answer, “Because I said so” or “Because I’m the Dom” isn’t acceptable.

Finally, the other way to combat the pedestal issue to find the humor in their more human moments that aren’t very Domly at all. The blank look (follow by the chagrin) I get from Daddy when he clearly wasn’t listening to me is hilarious. I know he feels bad, and I also know he doesn’t want to have to admit that he’d tuned me out.

Instead of getting hurt by it, I laugh at him. For the record, if he made a habit of it, we’d have to have a serious conversation. But since it doesn’t, I say things like, “OMG, I forgot you can be such a typical man” (which I don’t think he appreciated) or “God, you’re more vanilla than a vanilla bean!”

And no, I don’t know where I came up with that one, either.

Look, when you find yourself in a place where you think your Dominant can do no wrong or that they’re perfect, stop. Remember that they’re human, flaws and all.

And if you find yourself going along with things that make you feel bad, go against your limits, or cause real physical or emotional pain that you don’t enjoy, stop. Dominants aren’t right about all things all the time. If something doesn’t feel right, you have to say something. A good Dominant will explain things to you, modify what they’re doing, or stop. The shitty ones will lie, do it anyway, and make you feel worse than ever. Neither needs to be put on that pedestal.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s okay to think you have the best Dom EVER. I know I do. But I never forget that he’s not completely perfect and won’t make mistakes.

What matters is that he’s perfect for me, flaws, farts, and all.

Okay, that’s it for me this week. As always if you have questions or topic suggestions you can send them to either myself or John Brownstone. We will answer you personally, and you may hear your question or topic in a future episode – and yes we will protect your anonymity.

Don’t forget, sexy business people, sponsorships for the show are available. Contact me if you’re interested.

Okay, y’all. Keep it kinky, and we’ll see you next week!


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