This week’s episode is hosted by Kayla Lords and shares advice with listeners on how to go about making the switch from a strictly vanilla relationship to D/s. A listener asked for a step-by-step process on what to do once she and her husband had agreed to try D/s. Unfortunately, Kayla doesn’t have a guidebook on exactly what to do, but she does have opinions on what both Dominants and submissives need to keep in mind and discuss as they make the transition.
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In this episode:
- Kayla doesn’t have a 1-2-3 step process for relationships transitioning from vanilla to kinky, but she does have 13 things to think about, talk about, and/or do.
- Number 1: Don’t try to do everything that sounds fun all at once.
- Number 2: Don’t worry about what to call your dynamic.
- Number 3: Read as much as you can. Links to recommended resources below.
- Number 4: Keep up the communication and don’t stop.
- Number 5: Get ready to learn whether either of you can handle the word “no.”
- Number 6: Start with one thing.
- Number 7: Make time each day (or nearly so) to talk about how you both feel about what’s going on.
- Number 8: Expect for real life to get in the way sometimes.
- Number 9: Expect to freak out about some of this as you go through it all.
- Number 10: Discuss your personal limits.
- Number 11: For the submissives out there, if you’re unsure where to begin, when in doubt, ask what you can do for your Dominant.
- Number 12: Discuss consequences.
- Number 13: For those considering a contract, if it makes you both feel better to have something formal and official written up, go for it.
References From Show:
A Submissive’s Initiative
You’re listening to Loving BDSM podcast: episode 16. Today’s episode talks about getting started in D/s when you’re already in a relationship and comes straight from a listener’s email. Hey, everybody. Kayla Lords here! Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this is your first time listening, glad to have you! If you’re back for another week, welcome back! Loving BDSM is produced every Friday for your kinky pleasure and education and show notes are found at kaylalords.com. Come back often and feel free to add the podcast to your favorite RSS feed or iTunes. If you love what you hear, we’d love a good review on iTunes to help other kinksters find us! You can follow me on Twitter @KaylaLords or stalk John Brownstone at southernsirsplace.com. All links are in the show notes.
Today’s show is sponsored by, well, me. For anyone who doesn’t know, and since I’ve never really said much about it, why should you, I’m an erotic author who writes about BDSM and D/s in very kinky, erotic, and still realistic ways. No billionaires here, y’all. My Sir and Babygirl series, now in book three, is based on my own relationship with a certain John Brownstone, and Madame Gretchen is a book about a sadistic Dominant who has the fun of educating six newbie kinksters about the BDSM lifestyle. Check me out on Amazon, Smashwords, and nearly everywhere ebooks can be found. No worries, the links are included in the show notes.
Okay, now let’s get to the show.
I received an email a few weeks ago from a listener (If you’re listening, Hi!) who said she and her husband were interested in the lifestyle and wanted to move forward, but didn’t know where to begin. She wanted to know how to get started. Unfortunately, I don’t have a 1-2-3 step process for anyone. Once you get to the point where both you and your partner are ready to try it out, all you can really do is jump in with both feet and realize you’ll make a few mistakes along the way before you find your rhythm. That being said, I have plenty of advice (we all know I’m full of it, ha!) about what to consider and think about as you begin.
Now remember, y’all, I’m writing from the perspective of a submissive working with a Dominant so much of what I describe is for a submissive to think about, but Doms, you need to be aware too. Okay, here we go – in no real, particular order:
Number 1: Don’t try to do everything that sounds fun all at once. You’ll overwhelm yourselves, and when it feels impossible to do All The Things (and it will), you’ll feel like a failure. Ease into this. Baby steps. From what I’ve seen for myself, submissives aren’t known for our patience. Hopefully your potential Dominant is because someone is going to need to be.
Number 2: Don’t worry about what to call your dynamic – D/s, Master/slave, Daddy/little – you may find you relate to multiple dynamics or none of them. If one person has the control and the other person gives up the control, you’re D/s. The rest is unique to you as a couple.
Number 3: Read as much as you can. Not because anything is going to tell you what to do or exactly where to start but because the more experiences you learn about, the more you can pick and choose what sounds good to you. I recommend a few resources:
Kinkly.com – they’ve got a great glossary if you come across terms you don’t understand as you’re learning and a lot of information.
SubmissiveGuide.com – it’s a huge website filled with info for submissives
ASIBDSM.com – A Submissive’s Initiative – another great resource
DomGuide.com – good for Dominants
The more you dive into this, the more you’ll find to read. I know JB recommends a book called The Loving Dominant by John Warren and anything by Michael Mikai is a good choice (he’s got a ton of books).
Full disclosure: I write for Kinkly and Submissive Guide.
Number 4: Keep up the communication and don’t stop. Start talking to each other about what you think you’d like to try with each other and hash out the details. Don’t feel like you have to jump into anything just because you had a conversation, though. Remember that episode about financial control in our relationship? Getting to the point where he gives me a weekly allowance took 18 months to work towards, but it’s been a topic we discussed many times. Or what about the weight loss/negotiations episode? That much control took the entirety of our relationship so far to get to. This isn’t a race, and just because you talk about it one day, doesn’t mean you have to do it the next day.
Number 5: Get ready to learn whether either of you can handle the word “no” – and I mean can your Dominant tell you no, and can you live with the fact that you were denied something. That’s the hardest part sometimes. I’ve given Daddy control over certain aspects of my life, but I don’t always get what I want.
Number 6: Start with one thing. Pick something – something your Dominant is willing to be responsible for (because that’s a huge part of this) – and do that. It could be what you wear each day. It could be when or how or if you exercise. It could be orgasm control. It can be anything, but pick one. Once you feel like you’ve got that down, then add another thing.
Number 7: Make time each day (or nearly so) to talk about how you both feel about what’s going on. For Daddy and myself, it’s a constant, on-going conversation because we’re used to it now. This lifestyle has become natural for us – but it took time. Until you get to that point, set aside time to discuss how things make you feel. And then be honest about it. I always remind people to be respectful, too. You can say you hate something or that it freaked you out without name-calling, foot-stomping, or temper tantrums.
Number 8: Expect for real life to get in the way sometimes. Especially with work and kids. Example: I’m supposed to kneel every night when I give him his coffee. Except sometimes I’m working late and he makes his own or he wants coffee when the kids are in the room with us. No kneeling. And it’s okay.
Number 9: Expect to freak out about some of this as you go through it all. Some days you’ll wonder if you’re nuts. Some days you’ll wonder if your Dominant is making the right decisions. Some days you’ll even wonder if you’re really submissive because you just damn well don’t feel like doing the things you need to do. And on the flipside, some days Dominants wonder the same thing – are they making the right choices, giving you what you need, and doing it right?
Number 10: Discuss your personal limits – the things you absolutely won’t do, the things that make you nervous to try, and the things that you’re so excited to try you can’t stand it. Once you’ve done that, realize that as you learn more about the D/s thing, you’ll find more to add to those lists, and your limits will even change. Some things that I hated (or thought I did) at the beginning of our relationship are things that are now a constant part of it.
Number 11: For the submissives out there, if you’re unsure where to begin, when in doubt, ask what you can do for your Dominant. Maybe you’re not sure which thing or activity to start with. Ask what you can do on a regular basis that will please or help them. Frankly, if your partner embraces the idea of control and being your Dominant, you probably won’t even need to do all that. But sometimes, even they get a little overwhelmed by it all and can use some gentle guidance.
Number 12: Discuss consequences. What happens when you don’t do what you’re supposed to do (and yes, it will happen). Sometimes, the worst punishment is the guilt you’ll feel, but sometimes, you need something more (even if you don’t think so at the time). Some consequences include writing lines, kneeling or standing in the corner, or losing privileges – orgasms, treats, whatever. A consequence should make you uncomfortable so don’t reject it because you don’t like the idea of it. Reject a possible consequence if it could make you sick, cause real harm or injury, or it’s a hard limit of something you refuse to do.
Number 13: For those considering a contract, if it makes you both feel better to have something formal and official written up, go for it. But since you’re already in a solid relationship, it might not be necessary. It’s completely up to you on that one. If you do have a contract, it can be as simple as a sheet of paper with what you agree to do and what your Dominant agrees to do, and then, of course, any consequences if you don’t do what you’re supposed to do.
Many of my closest kinky friends started out quite vanilla, got married, had kids, and then found D/s. What most of them say is that it’s been amazing for their relationship and brought them closer together. What I’ve noticed is that they’ve simply adapted the D/s things they enjoy into their current life without turning their life upside down. You’ll quickly learn how to do things without your kids noticing at all. Hell, most of my tasks are very vanilla-looking things – serving him coffee, fixing his plate for dinner, doing small tasks during the day like research, making a phone call, or running an errand. And what they see between us is a lot of respect – the respect we have for each other as partners and as a D/s couple, and they don’t know there’s anything kinky about it.
There are probably even more things you can do to get started in D/s with your partner. These are the things that I can say will definitely help. Don’t worry too much about labels and whether you’re doing it “right.” You’re doing it right if you both consent and if you’re enjoying the hell out of it.
Okay, that’s it for me this week. Don’t forget to visit our sponsor, uhhhh, me! Search Kayla Lords on Amazon or Smashwords or wherever you purchase your ebooks and you’ll probably find me there!
Keep it kinky, y’all, and we’ll see you next week!