Kayla Lords hosts episode 15 and answers a listener’s questions about resets, something she’s referred to in passing several times. What is a reset? How do you know you need one? And what does a reset look like? Kayla gives her personal perspective on the topic.
This week’s episode sponsored by The Wood Dom: unique woodcraft gifts including pens, keychains, and cigar punches. Custom orders available. Kinky toys coming soon. (Full disclosure: The Wood Dom is a John Brownstone project, and we both benefit financially if you make a purchase.)
Want to sponsor an episode? Contact Kayla for information!
In this episode:
- A reset is needed when a submissive gets a noisy mind and negative feelings after just enough stress that create a sense of being overwhelmed.
- It manifests, for Kayla, in a variety of ways: tears, lack of focus, crankiness.
- Resets aren’t just for submissives. Dominants benefit from them as well, but submissives tend to admit to needing one and talk about it more easily.
- A hard spanking is the go-to cure. When it’s really bad for Kayla, a spanking that causes tears does the trick. Even a few forced orgasms help, too.
- Vanilla life and D/s needs can often co-exist with no problems, but when they can’t, a reset can help a submissive find focus and peace again.
- Anything can create a noisy mind that needs to be reset: stress from work and home, disagreements, anything.
- Dominants need resets, too. Whether it’s feeling out of control or a lack of desire to make any decisions, doing something that is pleasurable as a Dominant can help.
Links Referenced During the Show:
Be Careful What You Wish For – A Masturbation Monday post about forced orgasms that resulted in a reset.
You’re listening to Loving BDSM podcast: episode 15. Today’s episode discusses resetting this particular submissive and what that means and looks like. Hey, everybody. Kayla Lords here! Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this is your first time listening, glad to have you! If you’re back for another week, welcome back! Loving BDSM is produced every Friday for your kinky pleasure and education and show notes are found at kaylalords.com. Come back often and feel free to add the podcast to your favorite RSS feed or iTunes. If you love what you hear, we’d love a good review on iTunes to help other kinksters find us! You can follow me on Twitter @KaylaLords or stalk John Brownstone at southernsirsplace.com. All links are in the show notes.
Today’s show is sponsored by a new project from John Brownstone himself – an online woodcraft shop, The Wood Dom. If you’re looking for a unique and custom gift like ink pens, keychains, or even cigar punches for the cigar smoker in your life this holiday season, check out his woodcrafts shop on Etsy or like his Facebook page. Just search The Wood Dom – or get the link from the show notes page. More inventory is added all the time and custom orders are available! And eventually his custom paddles and other implements of ass destruction will be available for sale as well. More on that when it happens!
Now, let’s get into the show.
Today’s episode is straight from a topic request from a listener which came at the perfect time. There are so many topics to discuss in BDSM and D/s that sometimes I have a hard time narrowing it down. A few were swimming in my head, and then I received an email that asked some very specific questions.
I refer in both podcast episodes and my writing to needing a reset from time to time. This listener wanted to know what a reset means to me, what creates the need for them, and how I get reset.
I don’t think the need for resets are unique to submissives but I do think we’re most open to discussing them. So although this is (as always) from my own perspective, I think they apply to Dominants as well. But let’s talk about resets for submissives.
The need to be reset is often triggered when the noise in my head gets so loud and overwhelming that I lose my calm, centered submissive self. Almost anything can trigger it – chaos at home, chaos with work, stress, an argument with a certain Daddy Dom, life in general. Once my brain starts spinning, I can’t shut out the noise and focus on anything, not just our D/s relationship.
The noise in my head manifests itself in different ways, too. Sometimes I’m cranky and dissatisfied with everything (no silver linings exist – odd since I’m perpetually idealistic and hopeful). Sometimes I’m teary-eyed and will break down over the smallest thing – we’re out of baking mix and I can’t make pancakes? I might dissolve into tears because I have to cook eggs instead. Other times, I simply lose focus and can’t concentrate – which causes me to have to ask Daddy to repeat himself multiple times, never a good thing. Basically, I’m not myself – and not in a good way.
Regardless of what’s happening in my head, when it’s time for a reset, I feel it in my skin too. The code we use is that my skin starts feeling tight which is the closest description I can get to how I feel. I’m strung tight like a bow, and if something doesn’t happen soon, I think I may snap. Now, snapping can be crying or snapping at people, but it’s not going to be good. A meltdown is coming and it’ll be over something small when it happens.
So that’s how we both know a reset is needed. The next issue is what to do about it.
Most of the time a good, hard spanking will do the trick. When I’m really wound tight and on edge, I need to be spanked until I cry in order to release all the emotional and mental gunk that’s collected in my brain. If we catch it early enough, a normal spanking or several hard orgasms will do the trick. I need a release, though in order to quiet the noise in my head and find my own center and stop feeling overwhelmed by life.
Just last weekend, after a teary-eyed complaint about a lack of orgasms – it had been a couple of weeks, at least since I’d last come, and we weren’t playing an orgasm denial game – he gave me much more than I hoped for and forced several orgasms. They were intense, painful, and so good. I slept like the dead that night and woke up the next morning full of energy and with a sense of peace. It was a reset that I didn’t even know I needed. (Oh, and in case you don’t follow the blog, I wrote about it for Masturbation Monday, and I’ll include the link in the show notes. It was a good one!)
For me, and I don’t know how common this is, the combination of intense pain and pleasure – the kind that overwhelms, that leaves you breathless, and makes you wonder if you can handle it – resets my brain and lets me refocus. Once I recover from whatever it is – spanking, flogging, primal sex, forced orgasms, whatever – all is quiet and peaceful. I can see the good, deal with the bad, and stop pushing against my own submission.
I think that’s the key for many of us. In the absence of a bad relationship or an inattentive Dominant, when we have it good and we know it, we may still fight against our submissive side. Not in everything, but in my own experience, I begin to resent the rules or the tasks. I doubt my ability to get it all done, keep him happy, and still do the things I need to do. I imagine that if I was left like that – if we didn’t discuss everything (good and bad), if he didn’t listen attentively and take action – it could kill our relationship.
Submission isn’t easy, and we still have responsibilities in the vanilla world. In a perfect world, our submissive self and our vanilla side can co-exist harmoniously. But this is reality and sometimes long hours at work, cranky kids, cars that break down, bills that come due, and every other typical stress we face is going to get in the way of the centered, peaceful submission we crave. When life gets overwhelming, we’re often told to focus on our submission. Sometimes that’s doable…and sometimes it’s not. And when it’s not, we often end up needing a reset because all of the competing priorities take up space in our minds and drown everything else out. But that could just be me.
Now, earlier in the show I mentioned that I think Dominants need resets from time to time, too. Not being a Dominant, I’m certainly not qualified to say what causes it or what a Dominant is thinking, but I can definitely tell you what I’ve seen.
Being a Dominant comes with a lot of responsibility. Seeing to our needs, making sure we’re staying on task, helping us reach our goals. I’d say you really have to enjoy it, want it, and feel fulfilled by it in order to do all that for your submissive. And the real world will get in the way of that. I’ve seen it with Daddy – between stress at work and his sister’s illness last year, there were times he didn’t want to have to make a single decision. Other times, he felt like the entire world was out of his control – and he confessed he doubted his own dominance as a result.
My thinking – and what I’ve urged him to do – is that when the rest of your life feels out of control, as a Dominant, it’s time to come home and take control of the one person who not only consents to that control, craves it. When he’s had a bad week or stressful time of it, a hard spanking, fucking, or something sadistic that makes me squeal, has improved his mood, relaxed him, and, in my opinion, reset him so he feels in control again and like he can face the chaotic vanilla life that’s pissing him off.
Let’s face it. Dominant or submissive, vanilla life makes us nuts sometimes. It’s overwhelming, it’s maddening, it’s chaotic. Sure, in a perfect world, we come home to our Dominant or submissive, get a little kink on, maybe do the thing (whatever it may be) that makes us feel the most submissive or Dominant, and we can face the world another day. But sometimes, even that’s not enough. When that happens, it’s time for a reset.
What that reset looks like will be different for everyone, but in my experience, it needs to be a jolt to the senses. For many of us that’s a spanking or something equally painful. For others, it could just be something intense. But you need to find the thing that calms and quiets our mind – and when you do, you’ll know you’ve been reset to go out and face another day.
Okay that’s it for me. Don’t forget to check out our sponsor – The Wood Dom on Etsy or Facebook. As soon as the kinky toys are ready for purchase, I’ll be sure to let you know! Keep it kinky, y’all, and we’ll see you next week.