LovingBDSM

The Loving BDSM Podcast

What 24/7 D/s Means to Us

We talk about being 24/7 D/s in nearly every episode we record, because it’s who we are. But we’ve never really talked about what it means to us. It’s pretty simple, but it’s also entirely personal. At best, we hope we can help people see it as something that doesn’t require a lot of micromanagement — unless that’s what you want it to be. Before that conversation began, we also talked about the NSFW Tumblr ban, too — and there was ranting, but not from who you would expect.

In this episode:

  • A massive thanks to everyone who said hi and talked with us at the event in Orlando on December 1
  • Our thoughts on the Tumblr ban
  • What we thought 24/7 D/s  was before we experienced it
  • What 24/7 D/s is actually like for us
  • We’re not in our “role” all the time.
  • It’s more about how we feel about each other and how we see the other.
  • Most importantly, 24/7 D/s isn’t kinky fuckery all the time.
  • Basically it’s a spectrum, like everything else, and can be whatever you want it to be.

Links from the show:

4 Things About 24/7 D/s You Might Not Know (blog post)

Kinky Fuckery Shop

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Support the show

Postcard Project

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Busting Myths: 4 Things About 24/7 D/s You May Not Know

I’m not the kinkster who walks around rolling her eyes, huffing, and sighing with complete disgust when someone refers to BDSM as that “50 Shades thing.” Well, at least not where anyone can see me.

But like anyone trying their best to live and love the BDSM life, I hear enough myths and lies about what this life is and isn’t that it can be maddening. Unfortunately other people hear these things too and believe they can’t live the D/s or kinky life they want. And that really makes me want to scream.

So with that in mind, let’s bust some myths about 24/7 D/s so more people realize they can have this life…if you want it.

It’s Not 24/7 Kinky Fuckery

A lot of kinksters think of the kinky fun when they picture D/s. Telling your partner to kneel. Being “tortured” with pleasure. Spending time naked or being waited on hand and foot. While those things can be an inherent part of your power dynamic, that’s not all D/s is. And these are often the first things to take a hit when vanilla life intervenes.

If you imagine 24/7 D/s as some sort of constant erotic novel, you’re missing the point of what Domination and submission can be about. Much of what we do is mental. Yeah, we’d like the physical side more often, but constant kinky fuckery just isn’t realistic. 24/7 D/s isn’t about the things you do…it’s about how you feel, what you think, and how you see your relationship.

Your Mindset Shifts, and That’s Okay

John Brownstone is always my Daddy. Every moment of every day. Yes, even when I’m frustrated with him or he’s not able to get into his Dominant headspace. I’m his submissive even when I need to take charge of a situation or say things like, “Just listen to me and stop telling me what to do!” (Yes, that has happened.)

How is this possible? Partly because we can shift back into a D/s mindset fairly easily. And partly because 24/7 D/s is about how you feel about each other as much as the actions you take. Even when there’s a moment when the roles seem reversed, we know who we are to each other and within the relationship. He’s the Dominant, and I’m the submissive, and that never changes for us. Even when our minds are elsewhere.

You’re Going to Disagree

In any D/s dynamic it’s hard for newbies (especially submissives) to fathom that they’ll ever disagree with each other. Bwahahahahaha! An hour before writing this blog post, John Brownstone and I were going back and forth in a very strong disagreement. Neither of us wanted to give in, and I assure you, I didn’t acquiesce because he’s the Dominant one.

It takes a lot of time and trust to get to a point where many submissives feel safe openly disagreeing with their partner. But whether you can handle a disagreement or not (yet), it’s still going to happen. Though sometimes it’s not until after a Dominant finally falls from the pedestal they’ve been put on by their adoring submissive.

Sometimes the Protocols and Rules Take a Back Seat

This is slightly different from the shifting mindsets, because that’s about where your head is at. The rituals, protocols, and tasks are the things you do. They may put you in the D/s headspace or simply be “what you do” in your dynamic. But sometimes, they’re going to be put on hold. Vanilla life can’t always wait. Sick children, late nights at work, and our own physical or mental health may mean “the way you do things” can’t happen. That’s normal, and you’re still 24/7 D/s.

Since your dominance or submission aren’t necessarily about the things you do, not doing a certain thing doesn’t make you less Dominant or submissive. When I don’t make John Brownstone’s coffee, I’m no less submissive than when I do. If he turns down the bed at night, I might not love it, but it doesn’t make him less Dominant simply because he did my task.

What matters most in any relationship, kinky or vanilla, 24/7 D/s or not, is how you feel about it and the intention behind your actions. If John Brownstone is always my Daddy, and I’m always his babygirl (and we are), then no matter what we’re actually doing or saying, we’re in a D/s dynamic. The moment one of us stops feeling or even wanting that intention, all the tasks, rules, and kinky fuckery in the world won’t make us 24/7 anymore. So it doesn’t matter what he tells me to do or how quickly I jump up to serve him. What makes us 24/7 D/s is how we see ourselves within the relationship and who has (near constant) control — and who doesn’t.

We’ll be talking about our perspective on 24/7 D/s in episode 157 of the podcast. What do you think are myths people believe about this kind of D/s relationship? Are there things you used to believe about it until you experienced it for yourself? Share your thoughts in the comments below or talk to us on Twitter!

Conveying Power and Communication with Riding Crops

This is not a post about how to hit with a riding crop. There are tons of resources out there of how to hit with a crop safely or about different kinds of crops. This isn’t about that either. As with any BDSM toy, please use a crop safely and with consent.

Although I’m new to BDSM, one of the first play toys that I was attracted to was a riding crop. Probably because it’s so familiar, and it carries an importance to me.I’ve spent a lot of time growing up around horses, and I’ve ridden and taken care of them on and off throughout my life.  A riding crop has a commanding presence that resonates with me; it embodies control. And as a BDSM noob, it was less scary to me, because of its familiarity, than most other BDSM toys.

Horse and Rider Parallel

the view of a boot of a person riding a horse From the beginning of exploring D/s, I saw parallels between a horse/rider and D/S relationships. It became an easy analogy that made sense to me. Things like how a horse can be headstrong and wild, but if you gain their trust, they may submit and let you ride them. If the rider builds a strong enough relationship with their horse, they’ll do their best for that rider. And if they really form that bond with respect, trust, understanding, and communication, they can be so in sync that they can overcome hurdles together as one.

My Daddy gave me occasional tasks that challenged me and pushed my boundaries in the beginning of our relationship. There were times where I balked and refused. Sometimes I needed to understand more about what I was facing before I would agree to take on the task, like a horse walking around, inspecting and sniffing a jump before being willing to take it. It was a learning experience for both Daddy and me to know what I was ready for. Maybe the level of the jump had to be lowered, so to speak.

A scared horse can hurt you! There have been a few times where I panicked and he had to calm me down before trying that again. He also had to watch his step because I might lash out. I met a submissive early on who was going through intense training with her Sir. There were strict protocols, she had to do a lot of tasks with tight deadlines, and she worked hard to please him. She could take on a lot! She reminded me of a seasoned jumper who could take on challenging hurdles. I was the untrained, green horse who was easily spooked.

What a Riding Crop Can Do

masculine person in a business suit holding a riding crop behind his back

For me the riding crop embodies control, power, authority, training, and attention. A sensitive horse can react to the mere sight of a crop, get their attention, communicate the start of a training session, and that it’s time to focus and pay attention. It also can invoke excitement and can communicate an instruction, and that’s just from seeing it.

Touching them on certain parts of the body can also communicate a message. “Move this way”… “Don’t even think about it”… “Canter”… “Yes, now”… “We’re doing this.” Sometimes just a touch or a tap is all it takes. Sometimes just showing it does the trick, depending on how sensitive, attentive and trained the horse is. A sensitive horse can get jumpy at the touch of a crop.

Pain doesn’t even have to be a part of it. In D/S it can be, of course. That’s a personal preference, and the potential of that can be a factor, but a crop can do so much more than deliver pain. Such an instrument commands attention and can be very powerful beyond something to hit with.

Sending a Message

feminine person dressed in red and black leather and latex holding a riding cropJust as with a horse, the sight of a crop can deliver a message to a submissive. It could communicate that a session is about to begin, it can get them mentally ready for whatever may come next, and it can definitely get their attention. If not by sight, a smack on the Dom’s own hand with it would probably do it. Pointing at a spot in the room with it can communicate where a Dom wants the submissive to be. Just a touch on the skin can get the senses on the ready with anticipation. A gentle downward push on their shoulder could tell them to kneel. A push or tap on the upper back could tell them to bend their head down. A lift under the chin can tell a submissive to lift their head up and make eye contact.

The potential for hitting is always implied by its nature. A riding crop can be a heck of an instrument for teasing. It can caress, stop, touch, remove, and if the sub is blindfolded, they won’t know what comes next. Will the next sensation be a smack on that spot? The anticipation of the possibilities can build excitement and put their nerves and senses on alert. Running the crop inside the legs could communicate them to spread. A light tap or push can communicate that more clearly.

The possibilities are pretty vast. Dominants can customize your own non-verbal instructions. They may have to use words at first with certain movements or gestures until the submissive learns what the gesture means. The more the crop is used in a session with a submissive, the more an association can be made that invokes a subconscious response to it. Over time, the more a sub will see it as an instrument that represents their Dom’s power and control.

About Dutch Girl

Dutch Girl is a freelance graphic designer, born Dutch, grew up in Latin America, and now a naturalized US citizen. She’s new to the BDSM lifestyle and is a proudly collared Baby Girl at the age of 51.

How Mental Health Impacts Our D/s Relationship

This week’s episode isn’t a new topic — mental health and BDSM is something we talk about all the time. But this time, we’re going to take a deep dive into our specific D/s relationship and how mental health impacts us both. We are not mental health or medical professionals, and we don’t/can’t/won’t give advice on what anyone else should do for their mental health.

In this episode:

  • Enter the Lodbrock Giveaway
  • We’ll be at the Woodshed’s Shopping Extravaganza in Orlando on December 1
  • This week was a rough week.
  • Kayla’s mental health — generalized anxiety, social anxiety, and bipolar disorder — comes in cycles or waves.
  • Getting help — professionally and from your partner
  • Being realistic within your D/s dynamic
  • Finding what works for you and your partner

Links from the show:

November 2018 Giveaway — Enter now!

Woodshed Shopping Extravaganza — details for December 1 event

Is BDSM Good for Your Mental Health (podcast episode 77)

Kinky Fuckery Shop

Become a patron on Patreon

Support the show

Postcard Project

Subscribe on YouTube

Follow us on Instagram

Follow us Twitter

Message or friend us on Fetlife

Contact us!

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Listen to the show:

iTunes

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L’Amour Secret Unboxing and Review

If you’ve been here for a few minutes, you know I looooooove getting kinky fuckery in the mail. Even more when it’s a surprise, and every discovery is fun and exciting. So when L’Amour Secret asked us to review their subscription service (received in exchange for an honest review), of course I said yes!

Check our our video review and learn more about L’Amour Secret.

Watch the Video

About L’Amour Secret

  • L’Amour Secret is both a sex toy shop and a subscription service. You can buy toys individually or sign up for a monthly shipment.
  • To get the monthly box, take a survey to share your preferences first.
  • They curate the box for you based on your answers.
  • What we liked:
    • They thought of the small details — batteries, condoms, and lube.
    • The variety matched what we enjoy or would be willing to try.
    • Even though everything wasn’t a perfect fit, there was enough that we would use that it’s a fun box to receive.
  • What we didn’t love:
    • The survey is gender normative (although I think I said “heteronormative, and I don’t know why). It doesn’t leave room for people who are gender-fluid, non-binary, or transgender.
    • There was enough we wouldn’t use that the cost ($54.99 per month) wasn’t necessarily worth it.

If you’re new to sex toys, undecided about what you want to try, or feel adventurous, boxes like L’Amour Secret can be a fun way to explore. But if you have clear and definite preferences in sex toys, it might not work for you.

Want to know more? Shop L’Amour Secret.

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