The Loving BDSM Podcast

It’s No Big Deal: 10 Ways to Feel Little When You’re Out in Public

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When Professor Sex pitched this idea, I truly squeed with pleasure. And in reading her post, she gave ME a couple of ideas I hadn’t considered before — proving that we can always learn something new!

One of the most frustrating things about any kinky D/s dynamic is that it can be so hard to tap into when your vanilla lives get in the way. It can be even harder when you’re out in public and even harder still when you’re in a Caregiver/little dynamic, which carries even more stigma and misunderstanding than most other D/s relationship structures do.

Not everyone is out about their dynamic, but for many folks in the lifestyle some of the best bonding time they get is when they’re out on a date or in some other public space. Heck, even kinky meet-ups like munches often occur in mundane and vanilla spaces like coffee shops and restaurants.

So, how can you continue to tap into your Caregiver/little dynamic even when you’re out in public? Before I offer you my tips, here are few things to keep in mind. Firstly, remember that not everyone around you has consented to participate in or witness your dynamic. If you’re out with kinky friends or at a kinky gathering, not everyone there has agreed to be outed (this could be very damaging to others even if it wouldn’t necessarily be damaging to you). Please be mindful of where you are, who you’re with, and how you’re behaving.

Calling your partner Daddy or pulling out a pacifier in a crowded restaurant might not only make people around you deeply uncomfortable, it might also put the people in your social circle at risk. If you are out with a group, discuss social boundaries before the meet-up. However, even if you aren’t sure about appropriate protocol for public displays of dynamic affection, the following are some suggestions for feeling little that will fly under even the most vanilla radars.


Thanks to the increasing popularity of adult coloring books and the way that almost every restaurant gives out coloring sheets and crayons, you should be able to color almost anytime and almost anywhere without rousing much suspicion. Coloring can bring out anyone’s inner little. But to make this extra special consider carrying a special coloring book and crayons or pencils that are only for use when you’re being your little self. Take this to the next level by making sure have permission from your Caregiver before using them.

Here are some suggestions:


Star Wars

Disney animals

Harry Potter

Doctor Who


Bring Your Own Straws

If you’re over the age of 5, using a sippy cup in public might garner some side-eye from the people around you. Straws, though; straws are for everyone. If you look around you can find some really adorable straws to make your inner little squeeee with delight. Pass on the plastic straw at the restaurant and use one of your special straws instead to make even the most mundane moment feel extra sparkly. Bonus for carrying reusable straws or paper straws if you can as it helps save the environment!

Here are some suggestions:


Multi colored reusable straws

Animal (or fruit) swirly straws

Unicorn Straws

Glitter Straws

Straw cleaning brush

Paper/disposable straws

Pretty pink and gold




Pink flamingo


Fancy (Under)Pants

Some of the best ways to access your inner kinkster is to have some secret on you that, if discovered, would out you. Special undergarments are not only intimate, they’re an opportunity to have a secret that only you and your Caregiver know about. And adorable undies with cartoon characters, Disney princesses, and super heroes aren’t just for tiny bodies anymore. Think about your favorite little things and then find cute undies that go with it! Save those adorable breeches to wear only when you’re out with your Caregiver (or you want to feel extra little). As an added bonus, you could also have special socks for little you.

Here are some suggestions:

Dr. Who Boxers 

Dr. Who Panties

Harry Potter Boxers

Harry Potter Panties

Superhero Boxers (Superman)

Superhero Panties (Batman)

Star Trek Boxers

Star Trek Panties

Nickelodeon Boxers

Nickelodeon Panties

Asking Permission and For Help

As a little, you need your Caregiver to do all sorts of things for you. Asking permission and asking for help can help you feel super small and precious.

Ways to try this:

  • Ask permission to have what you want off the menu at a restaurant and let your Caregiver order for you.
  • If you want to buy something or have a special treat like a coffee or dessert, ask first.
  • Let your Caregiver help you tie your shoe.
  • Ask permission before leaving the table or wandering off to use the restroom.
  • Allowing your Caregiver to open car doors or the doors to buildings looks like courtesy to others but can be a great way to tap into your dynamic.

Handling the Money

(Also, let them drive the car if that’s possible)

There’s nothing more grownup than paying for things. This certainly applies to bills and rent and other nonsense, but this can also mean handling things like paying for parking or dinner or your tickets and popcorn at the movies. Even if you’re splitting the tab, consider handing over your share of the cash to your Caregiver at the beginning of the night instead of the end so they can deal with the grownup money stuff and you can enjoy your time in little space.


Almost every romantic or sexual relationship begets pet names between those involved. Depending on what those are, though, it might not be something you want to yell across the room at your work holiday party. If you call your partner “Daddy” you may not feel comfortable doing that in front of others, but that doesn’t mean you can’t come up with seemingly innocuous pet names that are special to you. Come up with a pet name specifically for your Caregiver/little identities that you can use in front of anyone at any time. Anything can work as long as it means something to the two of you, and only the two of you need to know what it means. The more personalized, the better. Privately, you know what it means, but publicly it just sounds like a nickname.

Special Rules for Little You

A Caregiver’s job is to take care of their little and keep them safe. Before you depart for your outing, determine what the rules are for your time in public. Other people won’t know the difference, but you’ll know, and that will help each of you really feel your dynamic.


  • Hold hands when crossing the street
  • Eat all your vegetables
  • Don’t talk to strangers
  • Don’t run off/wander off without permission

Holding Hands

In this case, I’m talking about the way you hold hands. Usually, lovers hold hand by interlacing fingers and caregivers hold hands with their littles by clasping hands. If you want to tap into your dynamic, consider not just how frequently you hold hands, but also how you do it.

Little Snacks and Treats

We all love to treat ourselves when we go out, but little you should get special treats. Fruit snacks, gold fish bags, lollipops, and juice boxes are all things you can carry in a backpack or purse and snack on in public without turning a head. If you really want to accentuate your dynamic, ask your Caregiver to hold onto them for you and ask for them when you want them.

Try a Handmade Bullet Journal

As adults, we all have to-do lists, shopping lists, chores and meetings. While your natural inclination may be to use an app, spreadsheet, or boring old Dayplanner to keep track of your adult tasks, consider switching to brightly colored school planner or handmade bullet journal. A school planner or bullet journal allows you to use brightly colored pens and pencils, washi tape, and ((drumroll please)) STICKERS! And the best part is, these are super popular ways to track your life, so nobody will think twice about it!

Just a few bullet journaling resources:

Ultimate Bullet Journal Resources List

Top 12 Bullet Journal Hacks

Planner stickers

Dotted Journals (various sizes)

Traveler’s notebook covers

Planner covers

I hope these have been some helpful tips to inspire creativity in your dynamic. If you have any ideas or tips you’d like to share, leave them in the comments! If you have any questions or need anything else, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me at angel@professorsex.com.

About Professor Sex

Professor Sex, aka Angel Kalafatis-Russell (they/them; she/her) is a queer, kinky, polyamorous, sex and relationship educator, HIV and STI prevention specialist, scientist, and activist. They are an MSPS (Master of Science in Psychological Science) candidate (all but thesis) and research sexologist (studying, among other things, BDSM behavior and identity). Additionally, they are Director of Outreach and Education for the Relationship Equality Foundation. They also sit on the editorial board for the Journal of Counseling Sexology, are a researcher with the Community Sexual Health Education and Research Initiative (CSHER.com), and they are currently under supervision by the American Association of Sexual Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT) to be a Certified Sexuality Educator.

Their writing has been featured by FindPoly, SwingTowns, Kink Crate, and more, and they are a member of SistersInSmut.com. Angel has been invited to speak in myriad venues including lecture halls, fetish clubs, academic conferences, private workshops, and sexuality conferences. Angel is deeply passionate about sex-positive, inclusive, medically accurate, scientifically informed, pleasure-based sex education. They can be found in several places online, so it’s best to start at ProfessorSex.com and go from there.

Traveling While Kinky LB153

This week’s episode is a listener request, but Kayla was a bad podcast co-host and forgot to write down the person’s name. She should be punished, but she might like that too much. But thanks to this mystery kinkster, our topic — before the holidays start in earnest — is about traveling while kinky. We looked at two sides of the conversation: traveling with your BDSM gear and toys and maintaining your power exchange and kinky mindset while you travel.

In this episode:

  • Enter to win our giveaway with Lodbrock!
  • We’ll be at the Woodshed in Orlando on December 1 — if you’re local to the area, come see us!
  • Bringing your kinky gear — how to pack, what to pack, and whether you need to bring anything at all
  • Being your kinky selves — collars, titles, and tasks

Links from the show:

November 2018 Giveaway — Enter now!

Woodshed Shopping Extravaganza — details for December 1 event

TSA — What You Can Bring on a Plane

Kinky Fuckery Shop

Become a patron on Patreon

Support the show

Postcard Project

Subscribe on YouTube

Follow us on Instagram

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Message or friend us on Fetlife

Contact us!

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Kinky Fuckery Giveaway from Lodbrock


We love giving away kinky fuckery, but I’m not sure either of us has been this excited about it before.

Lodbrock, maker of amazing kinky toys — like the Pillory Set we reviewed recently — has a Bad Santa sale going on right now (early November 2018). You can get 50 percent off while supplies last. Check out the Lodbrock site. (Use our affiliate link and we make a small commission.)

To celebrate their sale, and because we love them, we’ve partnered up for a Kinky Fuckery/Bad Santa Giveaway and there will be TWO winners.

Check out the details, scroll a bit for pictures, and then keep scrolling to enter!

Giveaway Details

The Prize: A foot pillory, paddle, and flogger

Winners: Two winners will be randomly selected. Entries accepted from legal adults located anywhere in North America or Europe. If you live on one of those continents, ENTER!

Dates: Enter to win between November 1, 2018 and 11:59 p.m. on November 30, 2018.

Winners will be selected and notified sometime in the first week of December 2018. We will contact you by email and will need a response within 48 hours. If a winner doesn’t respond, we will select a new winner.

Prize Details

Foot Pillory: Like to restrain your partner or be restrained? A foot pillory is one way to make sure those feet aren’t going anywhere and those legs don’t close all the way. Whether you’re into impact play, bondage, or tickle play, a foot pillory can be a fun way to play.

Paddle and Flogger: Both toys are absolutely beautiful and hand-crafted weapons of ass destruction. Having been on the receiving end of both I can tell you that the paddle is thuddy and the flogger is stingy. So there’s something for everyone.

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Enter to Win!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Watch our Lodbrock Review

Shop the Bad Santa Sale and save!

D/s Mindsets and Shutting Out the Vanilla World LB152

I’ll be honest…I didn’t know how to title this episode because we talk about a very nuanced topic that can mean something different for every D/s relationship. Basically, it’s about feeling your Dominant or submissive self when the vanilla world intrudes, but also tips on how to block out the vanilla world so you can reconnect as kinky people. It’s a wide ranging conversation, and one we’ve had in many forms on the podcast over the years.

In this episode:

  • Vanilla life will always be a part of our D/s life. It’s nearly impossible to completely shut out — unless you’re off the grid and in a bunker. I like Starbucks too much for that.
  • We have to learn to live with both and find ways to be our kinky selves in the middle of a vanilla world.
  • But that doesn’t mean we can’t find ways to create boundaries for ourselves so we can get into our kinky headspace.
  • Reasons why we need these boundaries
  • Ideas for how to achieve those boundaries

Links from the show:

4 Ways to Get Into a Kinky Mindset (blog post)

Kinky Fuckery Shop

Become a patron on Patreon

Support the show

Postcard Project

Subscribe on YouTube

Follow us on Instagram

Follow us Twitter

Message or friend us on Fetlife

Contact us!

Sign up for our newsletter

Listen to the show:


Google Play


Your favorite podcast app!

Watch on YouTube

4 Ways to Get Into a Kinky Mindset

Vanilla life interferes with D/s and kink every chance it gets. Bills need to be paid. You have to go work. And let’s not even mention what parenting can do to your kinky life.

Finding the boundaries between the vanilla world and the D/s dynamic you crave isn’t always easy. Sometimes the rest of your life has to take precedence. Even those of us (like John Brownstone and I) who are 24/7 D/s have to put aside roles and dynamics from time to time to deal with whatever life throws our way. Although, our preference is to navigate every moment of life through our power exchange, but it’s not always an option.

So when you find yourself having to switch back and forth between vanilla and D/s headspaces, how do you make the transition into your Dominant or submissive role? There’s no single correct answer, and you’ll have to find what works best for you. But if you’re not sure where to begin, here are a few ideas.

End Your Work Day With a Ritual

We know plenty of submissives who walk in the door after work and do something to feel submissive.

  • They put on a specific outfit or their collar.
  • They kneel or practice certain positions.
  • Maybe they start a shower or draw a bath for their Dominant.

It doesn’t matter what the action is — it only needs to appeal to you. But once their work day (and kids count as work, y’all) is done, these submissive do very specific things that get them ready to be fully engaged with their power exchange. The act itself might be submissive or simply the act of doing the thing may help them shed the vanilla persona.

And Dominants, it works in reverse for you. When your submissive does their task or ritual, if possible, make it in direct service of you. This way, when that action takes place, you know that’s the time to get into a more Dominant headspace. Maybe your sub pours you a drink or presents you with some kinky fuckery toy. Again, it doesn’t matter what you do, only that it has meaning to you.

Complete Tasks

Slightly different from ending your day with a ritual, these are tasks you complete throughout the day. They’re meant to serve as reminders all day long about who you are as a submissive or Dominant. And yes, Dominants can have tasks. When we were long distance, John Brownstone started every day by choosing the panties I would wear and sending me a text message. That was a “task” he did as a Dominant that (I hope) helped him feel in control.

Whatever things you choose to do in your D/s relationship should be talked about and consented to first. They can serve a very specific purpose — service submission, Caregiver nurturing, etc. Or they can simply be something that appeals to you or that you want to do. My tasks are things that I’ve worked into my routine so well that I sometimes forget why I’m doing them.

This is what I do:

  • Make coffee for John Brownstone upon request — whenever he wants it
  • Turn down the bed at night.
  • Get the coffee pot ready for the next morning.
  • Make his lunch.

Not everyone is a service submissive or someone who craves routine like me. Other people find it’s better for them if they do or assign tasks as needed. Fun ones from our past include masturbating in the ladies room at work and sending him a picture when I was done. The moment I received the request, I was in a subby mindset.

In reverse, for a Dominant, submissives can send a message to their Dominant requesting permission for something. I used to do that when I really wanted something sweet to eat in the afternoon. It reminded us both of who was in charge…especially when he said no!

Plan Your Kinky Fuckery

We’ve got this on the brain right now because at the end of October, we’re going to our local BDSM club for kinky fuckery. And we’ve had it planned for nearly a month. Having this to look forward to has kept me in a more submissive mindset for weeks. Every time I think about what might happen, I go all ooey, gooey inside…until I imagine the impact play, and then my masochist side gets very excited.

You don’t always have to plan major events for this to work. Even small plans like getting together over the weekend or what you’ll do after the kids go to bed counts. The point is to place a priority on what it is that you enjoy doing together as Dominant and submissive — and then planning for it. Schedule it and treat it like the important appointment that it is.

Having the anticipation of the moment gives you something to think about. And I have found it’s great for staying in your kinky mindset.

Create Meaningful Protocols and Rituals

A ritual or protocol sounds like a very formal BDSM thing and the idea of it can intimidate some people. Basically these are things that you do that become habits. They’re done at set times or in specific ways and are rarely deviated from.

Maybe the end of your day isn’t the right type for a task or ritual. What about when you wake up? Is there some habit you can start that helps you feel your kinky self?

  • Wait to be told to get out of bed
  • Help your Dominant get dressed
  • Bring your Dominant their preferred morning beverage

And that’s just one possible morning ritual for a submissive. Like every other option we’ve mentioned, this can be literally anything. The best ritual is one that fulfills a need for both of you. Dominants, you receive something that makes you feel in control or reminds you that your submissive serves you. Submissives, you’re able to do something for (or to) your Dominant that feeds your preferred way to submit. And none of it has to be overtly kinky.

The whole point is that they’re done (basically) the same way most of the time, and they mean something to you. So that when you do them, you feel your kinky role and can, possibly, stay in that headspace for as long as possible.

In episode 152, we’re talking about creating those boundaries between your vanilla world and the D/s life you want — and most of it is a mental thing. While you can’t keep the vanilla world out forever, you can create moments of mindfulness that will help you feel your Dom or sub self more often.

Okay, now it’s your turn. What do you do to get into your kinky mindset? Are there tasks, rituals, protocols, or rules you’ve created? Share with us in the comments below or talk to us on Twitter!

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