LovingBDSM

The Loving BDSM Podcast

Understanding Sexual Submission

Sexual submission is a huge part of our D/s relationship. While we know sex isn’t part of every power exchange, for many people, it’s central to it. It’s unique to all of us, but there are things we’ve learned about this part of our D/s over the years, especially recently as we’ve decided to focus more on our sex life.

In this podcast:

  • We livestreamed this episode on YouTube!
  • Not every submissive is sexually submissive. It’s another “type” of submission, and it’s not universal.
  • Many newbies think it’s an automatic part of submission — and it’s not.
  • Because we’re all unique, we can only speak from our perspective. This is what sexual submission is for us.
  • Kayla has been this way her entire sexual life — which made for a few problems when a partner wasn’t willing or able to lead.
  • Kayla wants to do what John Brownstone wants but she has her own needs.
  • Kayla is sexually available “at all times” with plenty of caveats.
  • Communication is just as vital — if not more so — but for some of us it can be very difficult.
  • Not wanting what’s happening during sex isn’t a rejection of your partner. Sexual submissives can (and should!) have preferences and things they want to explore.
  • Dominants still need to check in and make sure they have consent during sex, regardless of how submissive a partner is or what you’ve negotiated in the past.

Links from the show:

3 Things I’ve Learned as a Sexual Submissive (blog post)

Early Morning Sex as Part of Our D/s Relationship (blog post)

Sex and D/s Relationships (episode 125)

Kinky Fuckery Shop

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3 Things I’ve Learned as a Sexual Submissive

I think I’ve been sexually submissive my entire adult life. Maybe even earlier, but since I didn’t start having sex until I turned 18, I don’t know for sure. By not understanding this part of my sexuality,  good sex was far outweighed by disappointing sex.

Part of that was because I grew up in an age where women’s magazines were inundated with “How to Take Control and Get What You Want in the Bedroom” kind of articles.  They weren’t talking about FemDom kinky fun. This was your homegrown “guys like it when you know what you want” kind of stuff. That’s not bad advice, if it works for you. Me? Not so much.

From the moment I felt sexual desire, I didn’t know what I want. I knew I wanted it to feel good, and that I would like to be touched and fucked and oh yeah, baby. But, for me, coherent thought exits when desire shows up. What I know now is that I want to be lead through the moment. I want a partner who takes control of the situation and gives me what I want — but in their own way and on their own schedule.

There’s a lot for me to unpack about how I feel about and engage with sex as a submissive. Including that I sometimes think my ex-husband may have been sexually submissive, too. Yeah, that pairing made for cringeworthy moments I’d rather not relive.

But even with all the nuance of my personal experience with sexual submission, there are a few things I’ve learned about being sexually submissive.

You Still Have to Communicate Your Needs

I have always found talking about my personal sexual desires very difficult. Yeah, I know…I have a sex blog that’s devoted to my personal sexual desires. I get the irony. But writing to give “voice” to the thoughts in my head is much different than looking someone in the eyes and telling them, “I love being fucked doggy style, having my hair pulled, and being called, ‘Your slut.’ while you pound against me like you hate me.”

Should it be so difficult? Probably not. Does it get better and easier over time? For me it has. That’s due completely to John Brownstone. He’s never judged me for anything I’ve wanted. And, even better, he always tries to give me what I want sexually.

Like the Dominant he is, I won’t necessarily get what I want the way I think I want it. Or when I want it. He always manages to surprise me with the “how” of it, but telling him what I need and want has never ended badly.

Of course, he also makes me talk about it. “Use your words, babygirl.”

Damn it, I don’t want to use my words. I want him to just know. But no one is a mindreader, and a submissive (of any kind) has to learn how to tell our Dominant what we want and need. I’m not saying communication is easy, but I’m positive it’s worth it.

Your Pleasure Matters

Many women know what it’s like to fake an orgasm. I’d never had an orgasm in my LIFE until age 32, which means I’d been faking them for 14 years. Without even knowing what I was actually faking!

After that first orgasm but before I knew I was submissive and met John Brownstone, I decided I would never fake pleasure again. Definitely not to make my partner think they were doing a good job.

For some submissives this sounds antithetical. We want our partners to be happy so why wouldn’t we do things for that sole purpose?

Because our pleasure matters too!

I spent 12 years rewarding poor sexual performance with fake cries of pleasure. Sometimes, yes, just to get it over with. (Gawd, he must have thought he was a fucking stud because he could get me off in less than 30 seconds. *insert eyeroll here*)

I will not do it now with a partner who, with a bit of communication and plenty of practice, can actually help me achieve sexual pleasure and satisfaction. I say this as a woman, but I can imagine there are plenty of men who have faked pleasure for some reason or another. While I can’t imagine the scenario in which that works, maybe there’s a scene or something I haven’t considered.

The time we shouldn’t fake it, though, is because our partner is missing the mark, not giving us what we need, and not satisfying a sexual desire we have.  All of that can be corrected with communication and practice.

This is a hill I will die on. Do not reward poor performance!

His Pleasure is My Pleasure

So for anyone who doesn’t feel this way about partnered sex, my next statement is going to sound a bit like a contradiction to what I just said. John Brownstone’s pleasure is my pleasure. There are aspects of sex with him that I enjoy that have nothing to do with an orgasm or even being stroked or touched in a specific spot.

I want to “be of use” in our power exchange. He takes what he wants from my body, touching me where he desires, fucking me the way he wants, and that turns me on. I might not get off, but I certainly am ready for that and more. I consent completely and entirely to that kind of sex.

My consent isn’t taken for granted, though. We’ve talked about it and negotiated it into our relationship. He checks in while he’s pounding away, asking, “Do you like this?” and “Are you going to let me take what I want?” My answer is an emphatic, “Yes, yes, YES!”

If I’m not down for sex, in any way, I let him know as soon as possible. Knowing he won’t abuse his privilege, knowing that I definitely have a say in the matter, I can float along and enjoy his moment. And yes, in many ways, that sex is all about him. But because I’m the one he’s finding pleasure in, it’s still all about me. We make two parts of a whole. His pleasure is my pleasure.

In episode 160 of the podcast, we’re going to dive into the topic of sexual submission. Not everyone identifies this way and not every D/s relationship incorporates sex. But for those who do, feel free to share what you’ve learned as a sexual submissive. Talk to us in the comments below or on Twitter!

 

Early Morning Sex as Part of Our D/s Relationship

For us, sex is very much part of our D/s relationship. All forms of sex. Even those rare occasions when we indulge in slow, sweet lovemaking, there is no doubt who has control. But to me, and I think for both of us, nothing epitomizes the power exchange of our sexual relationship like the sex we have when John Brownstone wakes me up to fuck.

**Note: Full disclaimers in case anyone is new here — no, we don’t think all D/s relationships must be sexual. We don’t think you have to have sex a certain way for it to be kinky. And we don’t think everyone needs to have sex the way we do. This is what we do and how we see it. 

On Being Sexually Available

From the moment sex was incorporated into our D/s relationship, our agreement was that I would be sexually available to him. I found the idea of it hot then, and I do now. But reality will always intrude, and thankfully John Brownstone is trustworthy. So he doesn’t use his privilege when I’m sick (physically or mentally) or if I really don’t want to have sex. But he also takes full advantage of our agreement by waking me up for sex.

Rarely this wake up call happens in the wee morning hours, before the alarm is scheduled to go off. Most often, he pulls me to him as the sun rises on an alarm-free weekend. Before I’ve fully gained consciousness, he’s initiating sex.

Could I pull away and say no? If I wanted to do that, yes. Have I asked him not to fuck me too soon before the alarm goes off? Yes, I have, and he stopped doing it. (The reason? After a fuck like that, I’ll go back to sleep but it’s not enough time and I wake up more exhausted than usual.)

I’m A Willing Participant

Being a willing participant and sexually available does not mean I’m required to be full of gusto and thrash around on the bed. Sometimes all he wants is a quick thrust and a simple orgasm. That kinky thing of “being of use” comes fully into play. In that moment I’m little more than a human-sized sex toy and I love it. I can doze through the moment, get the penetration I love (oh gawd, I love having cock or dildo in my cunt), and go back to sleep.

But sometimes, he wants me awake and in the moment. It’s not about the release he gets from an orgasm, although there is that. The fucking is a moment to claim what’s his. It may take me a moment to wake up and become fully aware, but once I am, I feel every second of it. Even if my eyes refuse to open.

This kind of barely-awake, early morning sex is a calmer version of our more primal, rougher fucks. His nails leave red streaks on my back. Red marks blossom on my hips from his fingertips. I squeak and yelp at pinched nipples, pulled hair, and a smacked ass. He whispers dirty, filthy, kinky things in my ear with no desire for an answer. I’m his to use, and use me he does. But he’ll make sure I get the rough fucking I adore in the process.

Early Morning Sex as a Dominant Act

It’s not for everybody, and if our kids were younger, I might have to say no, but being woken up for sex — sometimes sweetly, sometimes roughly — is absolutely a Dominant act. Accepting it, yielding to his desire is a submissive act. Like anything else, there has to be consent. We have to discuss what works and what doesn’t.

Sometimes we do it outside of the moment, when we’re looking back on it. And sometimes, it’s done in the middle.

“That’s too much, Daddy.”

“Make it hurt, Daddy.”

“Give me more, Daddy.”

As with every other part of our D/s relationship, just because I ask for something doesn’t mean I’ll get it. Or that I’ll get it in the way I expect. But my pleasure is (part of) his pleasure, and he still manages to surprise me by giving me more than I ask for.

After our recent podcast episode, where we talked about losing focus in our relationship, a recent early morning fuck felt like a reconnection. We’d recorded our conversation and somehow it had helped. Later, when the sun was fully up, and we were both awake, I thanked him. Sure, we’d been having early morning sex as part of our usual routine, but this time had been different. I’d felt my sexually submissive self, and I’d felt his Dominance in a way I hadn’t for a while. It was refreshing, and I didn’t realize how much I’d missed it until I had it back.

We’re joining in for Kink of the Week because the topic is about sleepy, drowsy, or nighttime sex. And even though we’ve never talked about it this way, we love sleepy sex so much it just might be a kink of ours. To read more perspectives, click the button below.

Focusing On Our D/s Relationship

We’re back with our first episode of 2019! And it’s an intensely personal one…about the moment one of us (ahem, me) lost focus on our D/s relationship. We walk about why it happened, what it can mean, and we even find a way forward. A conversation we didn’t finish having on New Year’s Eve has a happy conclusion during the episode!

In this episode:

  • Last year, in episode 113, we talked about using the new year to review your D/s relationship or your kinky self.
  • When we tried that for 2019, I came up blank.
  • We’ve talked about getting off track, vanilla life interfering with D/s, taking breaks. This is slightly different, and it’s better to catch early rather than later.

Links from the show:

What Will You Do Different in 2018 (episode 113)

I Forgot to Focus on Our D/s Relationship (blog post)

Kinky Fuckery Shop

Become a patron on Patreon

Support the show

Postcard Project

Subscribe on YouTube

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Listen to the show:

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I Forgot to Focus On Our D/s Relationship

At the end of 2018, as part of a bigger conversation about 2019, John Brownstone asked me, “What would you like to do differently in our D/s next year? What new things would you like to try? How can we grow together?”

This is the part where I’m supposed to tell you that all my babygirl submissive dreams came tumbling out. That I listed every new kink I want to try or what I’d like our relationship to do more (or less) of.

In reality, my mind went blank. Literal crickets chirped somewhere in the background. I had no idea. Hadn’t given it any thought actually.

He had thoughts, because he’s good at stuff like this. But I had nothing, nada, zip, zilch.

“Uhhhh, we’re good, I think. I mean, we could be more connected and have more kinky fuckery and…stuuuuuuff….????” That was the extent of the thought I’d put into the direction of our relationship, what we could do together, and where we’re headed into the future.

It’s Not a Problem…It’s Just Life

This isn’t a blog post to tell you how we’ve solved the problem. Nor am I going to tell you that it caused an argument, created a rift, or represents a larger problem.

Mostly I want to be open and honest that for all our conversations with you about D/s relationships, and the amount of thought we put into the smallest details, it’s still possible to let things slide. Just as with any relationship, if you’re not focused on it, it runs on autopilot. I have no clue how long we can sustain things in automatic mode — neither growing nor shrinking, but simply existing. But I do think it’s normal and that it happens to everyone.

Other parts of life require our focus. It’s not a crisis or indicative of problems on the horizon — not necessarily.

I’d have been more concerned if his question hadn’t made me realize how much I disliked not being able to give him an answer. I might have shrugged him off and said, “Does it really matter?” or “I don’t have time to think about that.” That could have been a sign of a relationship left untouched too long.

Getting Busy and Losing Focus

Instead, my response came out like, “Holy shit, I can’t believe I have nothing to contribute to this conversation. I don’t know what to say. My focus hasn’t been on us.”

Does it mean I don’t love him? Of course not. Just like it doesn’t mean I’m not his submissive. We’re not dead-eyed and miserable (after 12 years in a bad-for-me vanilla relationship, I know that feeling well). We’re just…busy. And everyone gets busy.

But that moment, that non-conversation, was enough to remind me that we can’t stay too busy for each other. Sometimes you need a conversation like this to make you realize that you haven’t given your own relationship enough thought and attention.

I’d feel better if my answer was, “I think we’re good as we are” because I’d been thinking about us and what our next D/s and kinky thing might be. But never giving the state of our relationship a single thought (beyond my usual ‘I love him so much, he’s the best Daddy ever!!!’) didn’t feel good at all.

I’m not saying everyone has to rethink their D/s relationship every year. Or that you have to constantly change things up or have new kinky goals all the time. This really isn’t about that.

The State of Your Relationship

I do think it’s important to be mindful of the state of your relationship (vanilla or kinky). To take time (even in a busy, hectic life) to think about what you have, what you want, and what you need. And most importantly, to make time to talk to each other.

Go too long* without doing those things, and you might find that your D/s relationship hit a rough patch when you weren’t looking.

*Too long is subjective. Only you can decide what that means.

In our first podcast episode of 2019, we’re going back to a topic we did at the beginning of 2018 — using the first of the year as a way to check-in and make changes. But this time with a slightly different perspective and what to do after too much time not focusing on ourselves.

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