The Loving BDSM Podcast

5 Secrets You Might Have in a D/s Relationship

Of course every D/s relationship is different, as is every communication style, power dynamic, and the things that make it work between you and another person. So if you read the title and thought, “I don’t have secrets!” well, okay. Maybe you do, maybe you don’t.

This isn’t a judgement call, but it is a recognition that for better or worse, secrets happen. It’s up to you and your partner to decide if they’re good or bad for your relationship. Here are a few types of secrets you may encounter in your D/s relationship — and they’re not all bad.


Surprises are a type of secret. Hopefully, they’re positive in your relationship and at worst, benign. Surprises in D/s can be difficult, especially if you’re the submissive trying to surprise your Dominant. Some people (regardless of D or s) don’t like surprises — I’m one of the them. But in a power exchange, you’ve also got to navigate your dynamic.

When I want to surprise John Brownstone, I say, “I have a surprise for you. Would you like to know now or be surprised?” Ultimately the decision is his. Of course, when he has a surprise for me, he teases and torments me with it because he knows I’m desperate to know.

If you genuinely hate surprises (think hard limit levels of hatred), it’s okay to insist that you don’t want to be surprised…ever.

Things You Aren’t Ready to Say (Yet)

When I hear “secrets” in a long-term relationship, it automatically conjures up a negative feeling, as if you’re hiding something. But sometimes you haven’t learned to trust your partner enough to tell them certain things. That’s your prerogative, and if they want to be someone you feel you can tell anything to, they have to earn your trust.

A good way to handle these topics is to say it plainly. “I’m not comfortable talking about that yet” or “I’m not ready to tell you that, yet.” Yes, it might bother your partner, but you get to assert your own boundaries. If they become someone you feel safe or comfortable enough with, you may decide to tell them. That’s up to you.

Things You’ve Forgotten

While open and constant communication is ideal (and necessary) to healthy D/s relationships, we can’t do a brain dump on command, either. People forget things all the time. I know I do. Even being asked a direct question might not be enough to trigger a memory.

I’ve been told (and said), “But I asked you about that! Why didn’t you tell me?!” It’s not always deceptive. Sometimes we need another event to remind of us of something that happened. And if your partner is telling you now that they remember it, can it really be considered deception? They didn’t keep it from you; they simply didn’t remember.

Things You Don’t Want Anyone to Know

I’m a big advocate for baring your soul to a long-term D/s partner. Maybe not a play partner and definitely not in the early days of a relationship, but eventually, soul-baring should be a thing for you. That being said, you are still entitled to your boundaries. If you experienced some kind of trauma (physical, mental, or emotional) that you’re not ready to talk about, you get to make that choice.

What I will say is that your partner can’t make educated and reasoned decisions about your D/s dynamic if they don’t have all the facts. It’s also easier to, unintentionally, trigger a negative reaction from you out of pure ignorance. If something you don’t want to discuss might be impacted by your power exchange or kinky fuckery, you’ll need to share a little. At least let your partner know what they can and can’t do if you know it’ll mess with your head.

Pure Deception

Okay, so now we’re at the evil kind of secrets. These are the lies, deceptions, and dishonest moments that your partner really doesn’t want you to know about. They involve sneaking around and pretending. If you’re the liar-liar-pants-on-fire, it’s definitely not a good look and could destroy your relationship.

I’m not the type who can overlook deception like this. Once my trust is broken (and this is one way it can happen), I’m done. But other people are different and may be willing to resolve the issue and stay together. It’s not an easy choice to make. What I will say is that if you catch your partner in a lie, the D/s may need to be placed on hold until you trust them again.

Are there other kinds of secrets we forgot to mention? Share with us in the comments below or on Twitter. This week’s episode (131) will focus on secrets in your D/s relationship. Thanks to Chloe Dare for the topic suggestion!

Is it the Accent or the Person?

The latest Kink of the Week topic is all about voices, accents, and languages. The prompt asks whether they’re a kink of yours — why or why not.

For me, accents can be sexy. I’m partial to a British, Scottish, or Irish accent, but they’re not a kink of mine.

That doesn’t mean I haven’t been affected by them, either.

Before I met John Brownstone, I was in another D/s relationship. He had a leftover Brooklyn accent from a childhood spent in New York. His voice was deep and sexy, especially when he turned on the Dom Voice™ and (consensually) used it against me.

He could send shivers up my spine and warmth straight to my cunt.

One night I confessed that I enjoyed certain accents. He confessed that he’d wanted to be an actor as a kid and had practiced accents until he got good at them. I giggled and demanded that he prove it. (I was a total babygirl before I knew I was a babygirl.)

He spent the next 20 minutes telling me how and where to touch myself in a thick Irish accent. I almost forgot he was anything but some rogue from an old bodice-ripping romance novel.  As long as he spoke in that voice, I think I would have done or said anything — and not just because he was the Dom to my sub.

Was it a form of role play? I tell myself no, because I really don’t enjoy role play. And he never pretended to be someone else. Although he definitely fit right into my fantasies of what sexy sounded like.

Was I turned on by the accent, him, or a bit of both? I vote for both. No one else could have said those things and commanded my attention and response but him. That he did it in an accent I enjoyed made it that much hotter.

I don’t hear accents and get immediately wet. But when I hear one I like, I look to see if they appeal to me on a superficial level. If there’s such a thing as “points,” adding an accent to an appealing physical presence (what appeals to me might not appeal to you), becomes a bit of a bonus.

Are accents a kink or fetish in general? Of course they are because everything is a kink or fetish for someone.

Would I mind if a sexy accent (consensually) whispered dirty, kinky fuckery in my ear? Nope, not at all. But the person behind the accent will always matter more.

Indulge my curiosity…are there any voices, accents, or languages that turn you on? Share in the comments or talk to us on Twitter!

What You Can and Can’t Say in a D/s Relationship LB130

Consider the topic/title of this week’s episode a bit tongue in cheek. Do we think there are things you never, ever say in a D/s relationship? Not really. But we discuss how we talk to each other and some things to be mindful of so you can keep the lines of communication open in your D/s relationship.

In this episode:

  • This week’s episode sponsored by The Wood Dom (that’s John Brownstone, to you).
  • You can still enter the Masturbation Month 2018 giveaway!
  • Someone used the search term “10 things you should never say to your Dominant” to find our site and it didn’t sit well with me. Are there really things we should never say?
  • We wrote a blog post about things you should either say or hear in your D/s relationship.
  • It’s rarely what you say and almost always how you say it that matters.
  • Some things might be inadvisable to say.
  • You might say things another sub or Dom would never say in their dynamic. That’s okay as long as it works for you and your partner.

Links from the show:

The Wood Dom on Etsy

Masturbation Month giveaway (May 2018 only)

Use code KLMM15 thru May 31, 2018 at Hot Octopuss (affiliate link) and save 15 percent (excludes Pocket Pulse Remote)

5 Things You Should Always Say or Hear in Your D/s Relationship (blog post)

10 Things You’ll Never Hear a Sub Say to Their Master/Mistress (BDSM humor)

Support the show

Postcard Project

Kayla Lords on Fetlife

John Brownstone on Fetlife

Contact us!

Listen to the show:


Google Play

Your favorite podcast app!

5 Things You Should Always Say or Hear in Your D/s Relationship

We keep our eyes on the search terms people use to find us here at Loving BDSM, as well as on our personal blogs. And someone searched “10 things to never say to a Dominant” and I was puzzled. Are there really that many things no submissive should ever say to their Dominant? I’m not so sure about that.

Maybe “Hey asshole, tried harder next time” or “Can’t you hit harder than that?” might make that list, but for all I know someone is a SAM (smart-ass masochist), and it’s part of their play.

I prefer to focus on the positive. Are there things that we should always say to each other, whether we’re Dominant or submissive? John Brownstone and I think so. Here are a few…

Thank You

It doesn’t matter what side of the slash you’re on, you can and should show gratitude in your D/s relationship. While it tends to be said by submissives most often, Doms can (and should!) say it, too. Real gratitude, the kind you can feel in your bones, can’t really be forced, but it can certainly be earned. When you show your appreciation and gratitude for what the other contributes, they’re more likely to keep doing it.


Again, this is an either side of the slash thing. For some D/s couples, it’s sexy for a submissive to only hear commands. Maybe you have a high protocol power exchange that consists primarily of orders. But manners are always sexy, and anyone and everyone can say “Please” from time to time. Of course, submissives say it a lot. “Please can I come?” is probably our favorite. But “Will you please get me a cup of coffee, babygirl” makes me a happy woman.

Good ______

Obviously, this is something a Dom or top will say to a submissive or bottom. Okay, so not everyone wants a “Good girl” and it may be “Good boy” or “Good kitten” or whatever. The point isn’t the specific phrase. It’s the appreciation.  While it might not be something that gets said often (there are arguments that saying it too often can make it lose it’s meaning and power), you shouldn’t be stingy with your praise either. If your sub pleases you, tell them.

May I…?

From a submissive perspective, when you say this or “Can I” or “Will you” or some other version, you’re asking permission. Maybe you have a dynamic where you ask permission for everything and maybe it’s only for certain things. For me, it’s “Can I wear panties today, Daddy?” or “May I have a special treat?” I ask. He decides.

From a Dominant perspective, this tends to be about consent. “May I use this new toy?” or “Can I keep going?” or “Will you let me continue?” Some (wrong-headed people) believe asking is a sign of weakness. Fuck that. Asking means you care about what your submissive thinks, feels, and wants. Sure, in a kinky scene, commands may fly, but asking shows you understand consent.

What Do You Want?

As a submissive, I tend to ask this to remind John Brownstone he’s The Decider™ in this relationship. It helps him make a decision, and let’s him know that I’m willing to follow whatever he chooses. It’s not something I use a lot but it is effective. From him, it means, “Tell me your desires” or “Share your thoughts with me.” Of course, it can mean anything you want it to mean, but it’s always a conversation starter. And it shows that you’re thinking about your partner’s needs, wants, and desires — and not just your own.

So, of course, as with all things, the exact wording you use might be different. Even if you don’t say these exact phrases, as long as the meaning and intent are there, that’s what really matters. In episode 130, we’ll discuss the things that can and should always be said — including in kinky fuckery — and a few things you might want to avoid saying to keep the lines of communication open.

Are there other things that you think should always be said in any relationship? Share with us in the comments or on Twitter!

Why Difficult Conversations are Good for Your D/s Relationship LB129

A conversation with someone else made us think about an old topic in a new way. Difficult conversations aren’t new — in relationships or on the podcast. But this week, we’ll explore it from a slightly different angle. Plus, the important stuff sometimes needs to be repeated a few times. This is one of those kinds of topics.

In this episode:

  • Enter the Masturbation Month 2018 giveaway throughout the month of May!
  • Knowing you need to communicate and making yourself do it are two different things.
  • These difficult conversations will worry you for different reasons, but they still need to be had.
  • Sometimes you’re worried about your partner’s reaction because of your fears and bad tapes.
  • Your partner isn’t a mind reader.
  • Nothing gets better if you never say anything.
  • It’s all part of the journey and you’ll learn something from it, no matter what the outcome of the conversation might be.

Links from the show:

Masturbation Month giveaway (May 2018 only)

Why You Need to Say the Thing You’re Dreading (blog post)

Difficult Conversations in D/s Relationships (episode 71)

Support the show

Postcard Project

Kayla Lords on Fetlife

John Brownstone on Fetlife

Contact us!

Listen to the show:


Google Play

Your favorite podcast app!

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